Gidgit VonLarue back again on behalf of Reality Raver. Looks like I’ve been employed (without pay – god damn it) to do this every week and it’s my pleasure!
So after last weeks episode where two ‘brains’ tribe members were booted, there is now just four on the ‘brains’ tribe. I’m going to keep putting ‘brains’ in coma thingies because they are all huge morons. (I don’t claim to be brainy so I can say dumb ass stuff like that!)
Now last report I did not list the Beauty tribe so here goes:
Morgan (Tits McGee): Natural boobs, great body. Yep, that’s about it so far.
LJ: Jon Hamm look-a-like. Smart too. Hot body and works with horses. I’m in love. Move over Colonel.
Brice: Token gay/black guy. He’s no Denzel Washington that’s for sure but he’s SUPER!
Alexis: Quirky, cute student. She hasn’t really done anything yet but has nice hair.
Jefra: Hot little blonde. Ex beauty queen so is going to whinge a lot and she does.
Jerimiah: …was a bullfrog. Kidding. Male model, bit daft. What a surprise!
So 16 are left, and seeing I think the ‘brain’ tribe is self-destructing it should be around 12 left pretty soon I would think!
Poor Spencer, the kid of the ‘brains’ tribe is now on the bottom of the three useless women alliance and knows he has to beg, steal and sell his virgin body to save himself from being booted…or does he?
Over on the brawn’s tribe, Tony ‘I’m not a cop’ finally fesses up to Sarah (who is a cop and knew Tony was a cop from the first second she saw him) that he is INDEED a cop (and so is his wife it turns out). Sarah, unsurprised, instantly does that blue blood cop thing with Tony (“us cops must stick together”) but he STILL insists on telling her a lie by saying others have been talking about voting her out (which is bullshit). Why he felt the need to do this when she can easily find out is beyond me and I guess anyone else watching. She was already ‘with him’ but his major game play paranoid mind must have felt the urge to make her hate others in the team for no reason what so ever! Do that shit when you’ve lost and going up for elimination you tool!
Turns out Sarah has a ‘copdar’ – much like a gaydar, but with spotting – well yes – cops! Hope she has a ‘crimdar’ as well to spot criminals. Might help with that talent, being a cop!
(I just took a break to plant chilli seeds in my garden and came back and accidentally touched my lips before washing my hands – so if things get a bit weird from here on in – I blame the chilli’s!)
So surprise surprise – that ‘lovely remote tropical island’ starts pissing down like a typhoon on steroids (as they do – seriously folks – go to Hawaii! At least if it rains you can go shopping!) Everyone is miserable in their crappy built shelters, which always amazes me as they have 3 days before challenges of sitting around doing fuck all so why not keep working on the shelter – or I don’t know – GO FISHING!? I’d get so bored on that island I would have built a sky scraper with bamboo, seaweed and snot – and started a fish monger business! (Well I like to think I would!)
On the brawn side the only two working through the hideous storm are the two cops. Woo makes the ‘offer’ of help but the rest of them just sulk in their shit shelter like babies. It’s only rain – not acid rain! Get out there and work! Plus I’ve heard when it’s raining it’s a great time to fish for crabs/lobsters etc. Please correct me if I’m mistaken.
Dreadlock hairdresser whinges she’s broken a toe nail. Quick phone the medics! Wha wha wha! This lot need to watch an AWESOME show called Naked & Afraid. Especially the episode where the Aussie stunt woman is put in the American crap swamps with some mirror muscle whinging sook bag American man. Seriously watch this show. All the men are pussies.
Anyhoo, everyone on Survivor are soaking wet. Over on the Beauty team Miss Beauty Queen is breaking down like a tissue in a swimming pool. It’s only bloody water. Go for a swim. The ocean water will be warmer than the rain you drongos. Oh, beauty queen is crying like a baby again. GONER! Well in my mind anyway. Get rid of the weakest, keep the strongest until the merge then boot their arses like they are a fly in a five star restaurant! Turns out the girls on the Beauty team are living up to their reputation and doing NOTHING while the boys work to repair the shelter. Again – you’ve all had LOTS of lying around time to make a pretty sound solid shelter but eh, who thinks of that crazy stuff when you are a tropical island in the rainy season! Bah humbug!
Turns out LJ on the Beauty Tribe is smart as well as DAMN HOT. GOD DAMN HE’S HOT. (or is that just the chilli seed on my lips???) LJ remembers Tits Mcgee coming back from around the rocks (she was looking for the immunity idol but made up some lie that everyone accepted – aside from – turns out – LJ) so he takes the chance while they are all moaning like a four year old not allowed to buy a Fredo Frog at the petrol station – and goes looking for it! Guess what! He finds it! Smart clever hot hot hot hot LJ. Oh and if you doubt my judgement on men – here he is:
Nomnomnomnom (hopefully reality raver can put these pictures up or I just look insane…well…MORE insane)
He’s seriously got the perfect amount of body hair – chest, some on the arms and legs – not some weird shaved freak and not a wookie! Ok I’ll stop drooling over him now (ok that again might be the chilli seeds)
So the sun finally comes up, little crabs play in the sand and the ‘brains’ team fetch their tree mail. Watching them try to work out what the purely obvious clue gives them is most amusing. J’Tia suddenly comes out with ‘I want some rice’ when just last episode she threw most of it on the fire. Just remember, this dim bitch is meant to be a Nuclear Engineer. It’s just frightening – maybe more frightening than Putin! So they all decide to practice throwing water into half coconuts. This is where we see Latasha being more delusional than J’Tia. “I’m doing it perfect (spilling most of the water) you be doing it all wrong!” Hope you are happy living in La La land Latasha.
So it’s finally immunity challenge and Jeff cannot hide his absolute distaste for the ‘brains’ tribe – can’t blame him really. Sadly there is not swimming in this challenge and we do not get the joy of watching J’Tia drown – but we DO get to watch her completely be useless at yet ANOTHER skill set – although throwing water is done by chimps in zoo’s at each other so not sure what ‘skill set’ is required. Still, she fucks it up but low and behold – they are not sent to kick off! Due to J’Tia and Latasha not taking part in the last section of the challenge the brain tribe actually beat the Beauty tribe! Holy shit! Reward is ‘comfort’ items like tarp, pillows, mosquito net, cocaine (kidding about the cocaine bit) and turns out Brawn are really good at throwing water and working out a ball puzzle thingie (official name). They return with comfort items and again Tony (I’m not a cop – no actually I am) finds another clue to the immunity idol, even though he has it. One would think he should give the clue to Sarah the other cop to keep her on side. Let’s see if he does.
And even due to J’Tia being the most useless person on earth aside from pretending to be a nuclear something – Kass and Spencer kill it in the ball puzzle challenge and save them from yet another vote off. And I will bet my front teeth they would have voted off Spencer if they had lost because as you have heard – they are MORONS.
So now it’s time to watch the Beauty team scramble. LJ, my new boyfriend, is safe as he has an immunity idol. Phew. Hope he remembers to being it to tribal unlike Garrett! The majority of them want Brice off – probably because he’s all black and gay and stuff – but they devise a plan to split the votes in case he or Tit’s McGee have the immunity idol. I first thought this was the dumbest plan ever – but as it plays out it’s actually genius and the best kick off I’ve seen in a long long time.
At tribal Jeff is the master. Let’s face it – he’s watched all that’s been filmed, he knows who to ask and what to ask. He grills Brice, who can’t help but just spill everything. Tip – when going on Survivor and at Tribal Council and Jeff asks you ANYTHING: Keep it short, don’t say much and don’t throw yourself under the bus like a big mouth dumb dumb. Well turns out Brice is a big mouth dumb dumb and after splitting the votes three ways, the people NOT voted for get to go back and vote. Guess what, the ones going to vote again on who goes home are all in an alliance so Brice is an easy kick!
By the way if you have not watched the show – here is Tit’s McGee for you boys (and lesbians – and swing hitters)
Yep they are natural.
So Brice is gone from Beauty tribe, thinking he’s ‘all that’ still. Dude you are not. You look like Jimmy Walker from Good Times (god I’m showing my age now) Look him up kids! Dy-no-mite!
Next week the big questions are: Who will next go to Tribal Council? Who is the brawn side going to throw the next challenge to get rid of? How many people get injured in the stupid challenge? And how does Jeff not age?
Finally props to Brice for saying about Jeramiah he was ‘amazed he could spell my name’. We are too Brice, we are too!
See you next week – and if you have a strong stomach feel free to follow me on twitter: @GidgitVonLarue
“Don’t do it – my log tells me she’s a real bitch!”
March 7, 2014 24 Comments
It was a double elimination episode last week on Survivor Cagayan with two members of the Brain’s tribe gone.
It was also a double interview so had to hastily scribble out the question to David asking if he thought poker player Garrett was a complete p***k. For the record they have cleared the air and are good mates, maybe being the only two of Ponderosa for a few days assisted in rehabilitating their relationship.
We discussed JTia and whether she should have been allowed to be on the show, why the brains tribe appears to be a bit of a basket case and strategy.
Reality Ravings: David, what made you go on a show like Survivor. You are head of an organisation [Miami Marlins] were you worried about your reputation?
David Samson: No not at all. I did it because it is something I have always wanted to do and I have always wanted to do. In life why not do something great even if you are going to get criticised for it. I don’t care about that.
RR: When did you know that you were going to be split up into three tribes and did you think you were in the right tribe?
DS: We did not know until the game started. We had no idea. The game started I looked around and I saw Morgan, Jefra and Alexis, and I saw Tony, Sarah and Cliff on the same tribe so I got a little suspicious. Garrett looked like he could be on any tribe I knew something was going on.
RR: What about you Garrett why did you end going on the show? Did you send in an application or were you cast?
Garrett Adelstein: I was recruited, they saw me at a bar. I realised what a great opportunity it was. Both in terms of having a life changing experience and doing something I have not done before. I think in life we always to do things that other people really want. I think this really put the icing on the cake for me after going online and reading about the 1000′s upon 1000′s of people who have been trying to get on for a decade plus. I just fell on the winning lottery ticket.
RR: Obviously there is editing involved on these shows. We saw be selected as the weakest link in the tribe, was that the reason you decided to target David be kicked off the tribe or was there some other strategy involved.
GA: It was a combination of a couple things. On Survivor you get so few opportunities with your actions. To illustrate where your allegiances are. Unfortunately for David the first action put something in my head that he was someone who wanted to work with me. In the short or long term. I think we saw a couple of different confessionals from him confirming that. Strategically there was a good math behind that. Basically how our tribe was eventually set up there were three pairs of twos – David and Kass, J Tia and Tash and me and Spencer. On day one I really went to work on Kass in hope she would end up going with us and once David left which would me Spencer and I would have a majority of three. I think all the viewers ended up seeing how that played out. It did not work out for me.
RR: David being appointed leader was obviously a poison chalice. What was your strategy going into the game or were you just playing it by ear? Did you have a strategy before you got on the island?
DS: Of course I had a strategy. It was to stay under the radar, just go with the flow and get past the early part of the game before really getting going. Really focus on shelter, fire and water in the beginning. Survivor is the greatest show in the history of television because it comes up with something new every season. What was new was someone had to be a leader. That was really the end of my strategy when they chose me as leader and I had no choice but to act like a leader and that hurt me. I think it is going to hurt LJ and Sarah the other leaders too as it is very hard to be in that position at the beginning of the game.
RR: Is the brains a bit dysfunctional, you lost the first two challenges. Is that because you are not working well together or that is just bad luck in play?
David: The first three days were completely dysfunctional. No chemistry and no ability to work well together. It was a disaster. It was unfortunate. The next three days, I watched the same episode you did and it continued. Voting out me and Garrett the first two, as much as Garrett wanted to get me out and it did not work out for either of us and the brains tribe is worse off because of it.
RR: Did you know Garrett was targeting you?
DS: It did not occur to me that Garrett or the other people would not want to vote off JTia. Who would not want to vote her out? She was a lunatic, she was lazy, she was crazy. If Garrett wants to get rid of me then do it day six or day nine.
RR: Maybe they have seen those seasons with Special Agent Phillip who is a bit nutty as well. Was that the same for you Garrett that you did not have to take your immunity idol now as you’re sure JTia’s is going to be gone?
GA: Sure. Just to reiterate what David said there is a delicious irony choosing to get rid of someone who is now a good friend of mine instead of the clearly mentally unstable girl and that eventually leading to my own demise as well. I had a lot of confidence going into that second tribal council. To be honest it is hard to even construct a scenario where someone could feel more confident in the situation. This is someone who was very dislikable. Not one person, in particular Kass really had a vendetta against JTia. Someone who threw two challenges and is easily one of the poorest challenge competitors we have ever seen and someone who takes our only food source when we are starving to death and last and arguably the most important I think strategically for Kass it was decision. She was third of fourth in that alliance at the moment and I have serious doubt the Brain’s ability but to finish last in the next few challenges. It is a situation as I was shocked as David was. It is a mistake to not always bring it to every tribal council.
RR: You both mention that JTia is mentally unstable should she even be on the show? Is she dangerous out there?
DS: She was not dangerous. She was just crazy and lazy. People react differently to their surroundings and to hunger. She thought she was going home so she thought she would take everybody’s food which I just think is silly and I don’t think it is good game play or helpful. However she is still there and we’re not so maybe she is the smart one.
GA: You compare this to the Brandon Hantz situation, I would argue pretty strongly in both cases that the casting department at CBS did nothing wrong. They are fully in their rights to cast whoever they want in the show. I think it is impossible for someone to predict how they would act in these extreme circumstances and even if they did I think are making a television show.
Survivor on GO Thursday nights at 8.30pm.
March 6, 2014 5 Comments
Apologies for the late recap. Last night the remaining contestants on My Kitchen Rules were sent to Bankstown Public School. The kitchen was set up in the bitumen playground and it looked very very hot indeed.
Here are a few thoughts on the episode:
- The parents of the kids must have been thrilled to see them without hats in that blazing sun, but I suppose if your child is on TV you do want to see their faces;
- The contestant’s must have been told the demographics of the school, which has a large percentage of kids of Middle Eastern Descent and that is why there was no pork dishes. Props to the producers for going to Bankstown instead of some fancy pants North Shore or Eastern Suburbs school;
- The heat was affecting Carly and Tresne’s pizza dough as there was butter in it. When has there ever been butter in pizza dough?
- Harry and Christo made Lamb Pita Pockets. They decided they did not have time to make their own pita bread and had store bought. Which is not a huge issue but there was not a lot of prep to the dish except chopping up lettuce, making Tsasiki and cooking and chopping the lamb. Christo ended up over cooking the lamb as he kept on flambeing it. Manu said to Pete that the boys will need to step up if they want to stay in the competition. I would say they need to learn to cook if they want to stay in the competition.
- Chloe and Kelly were told by the judges that they had the dish of the day with their Turkey Nachos with homemade Spelt Chips. May have to check out this recipe but won’t be making the spelt chips.
- Bree and Jessica were told their Bolognese was too bland, which is probably not a negative thing for kids but was for the judges. They made the same criticism of Josh and Danielle’s Mexican Beef Wrap.
- Jason is starting to come over as a bit of a douche and needs to stop bossing his wife Annie around so much;
- Uel and Shannelle were thrilled that their fish fingers were voted the best dish by the kids so this means they are safe from elimination this week which must be a relief.
- Carly and Tresne were sent to the elimination challenge for their very doughy pizza scroll. Pete Evans looked like he spat it out. However yet again Harry and Christo are the team with nine lives as at this stage of the competition there is always someone who just cooks worse then them. Just.
March 6, 2014 79 Comments
Tahan and Tim are the annointed ones by NINE after last year’s Big Brother as they are back on our screens this Saturday on GETAWAY.
The Big Brother winner, Tim Dormer and second runner up Tahan will be seen on a Gold Coast Special. They will be at Dreamworld and also Wet and Wild. So fans of Tahan will be happy they get to see her in a bikini.
GETWAY on NINE Saturday at 5.30pm
March 6, 2014 6 Comments
If you think you can cook or make bitchy remarks to camera then My Kitchen Rules could be the reality show for you.
Applications are now open for the 2015 season. Go to the website here to apply.
March 5, 2014 22 Comments