Cookies are a sometimes treat, and so is Rock of Love
The way I see it, reality television is meant to be fun. Some shows have an element of the practical (learn how to do something whilst being entertained!), some are probably aiming to be inspirational (if these people can lose weight, maybe I can too!), and some are meta entertainment (people on TV competing to be famous). A lot of them are probably at the top of the televisual nutrition pyramid – they’re not going to do you any harm but should be enjoyed in moderation. Rock of Love wouldn’t even make it onto the diagram: it’s highly processed junk food that could quite probably be damaging to your health, but it’s something you crave every now and again.
The premise: Bret Michaels (the bandannaed Poison singer) is looking for lerve. Is he looking in all the wrong places? Well, yes. This is his second crack at trying to find it via a reality show. Given that the prize is becoming his girlfriend, you’d think it would be a one-season wonder by definition. Wikipedia informs me, however, that the winner of the first season “did not become Bret Michaels’ girlfriend… as she had become involved with someone else”. Bad news for Bret, but good news for twenty “babes” who will vie for the dubious honour of becoming his girlfriend. I caught a couple of episodes this week. MTV seems to be programming it generously, possibly to get it over and done with so that they can (spoiler alert!) move on to Rock of Love Bus.
In the first episode, the girls were divided into teams for the Stroller Derby challenge. A baby doll was done up to look like Brett – incredibly creepy, but the girls seemed to think it was cute – and the teams had to try to get the baby around the rink in one piece. A pro roller derby team was all that stood in their way. Oh, and a general inability to skate. It was a fairly violent challenge and the team that won did so because the “doctor” assessed their doll as being the least injured. Their doll had merely LOST AN ARM. That team was rewarded with a group date to a burlesque show, after which the girls were encouraged to dance for Bret. Despite coaching from the professional dancer in the art of the tease, Angelique ripped all her gear off and sent the pixellation crew into conniptions. This did not save her from elimination. Her team-mate Kristy Joe did make the cut, despite admitting to Bret that she was still married (perhaps he was reassured by the fact that she has a restraining order against her husband).
In the next episode, Daisy went to Bret’s room so they could get to know each other better, Aubry was bitter – presumably she thought that wearing a bandana should get her immunity (the girl is mirroring hard) – and Kristy Joe was surprised to find that she felt jealous. All that was pushed into the background when they arrived for their challenge: putting a motorbike together. The prize was a group date for the winning team, and a solo date for the lead mechanic. Megan was pleased to be able to bunch her boobs up into her tight pink shirt. Looking hot didn’t help her, or the pink team – and the Peyton, the lead mechanic, was joined by Destiney, and were tasked with cleaning Bret’s bike, with a toothbrush, in bikinis. There were tears. And tears in my loungeroom during the scenes where Bret’s hot babes were shot with no makeup. Yikes! In the end, after much anguish, agonising and amateur therapy, Aubry fell on her sword to save Kristy Joe. Bret didn’t let her leave with dignity, though – he revealed that her tour was about to end anyway; that she was never going to hear the heartfelt plea “Will you stay in the house and continue to rock my world?”.
Rock of Love has no fibre. No vitamins or minerals. But it does bring some fairly crazy people together and it’s a good illustration of the old saw “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”.
- “I’m a very, very, very observant person. I’m a karaoke host!”
- “I know nothing about bikes, but I know how to look hot.”
- “You can’t make someone love ya when they don’t.”
- “I’m effing confused.”
- “I’ve no idea what’s going on. As usual.”
- “I don’t wanna look like I’m in the fifties! I’m in my twennies! I’m… I’m… twenny two!”
- “I wanna look like Bridget Bardot, Marilyn, all mixed together and they had a baby and it was Daisy.”
- “That breast-rib combination… lovely! Just beautiful” (and no, Bret wasn’t talking about chicken and BBQ)
- “She looks great, tits to toes.”