Guest Post: Dinner Date – “It’s Okay-Hedge Hay Is A Rooved Almond”
By popular demand Brain Dead Dave is back with the latest recap of Dinner Date and the show and the recap is hilarious:
Two weeks since Dinner Dolt has gone around and I’m salivating,wondering if it’s as bad as I remember. It doesn’t help that the show starts five minutes late but wait here’s Manu garbling that the quest of Dinner Dolt is to :
“See if it’s pussy bowl to kook your way into someone’s art ” (See if it’s possible to cook your way into someone’s heart.)
The rules are so simple a gorilla could understand- which is presumably how tonight’s male contestant “Hedge Hay”,Manu informs us(AJ) found his way onto the show. Hedge Hay is about thirty, “in transport” (trucky) loves beer and footy..Has a heart of gold,apparently.Wants a filly to go under his arm to complement the racehorse interest he has. Hedge Hay reckons a “chicky babe” would top it all nicely and of course,he wants kids.His creative outlet is being a DJ /shock jock on community radio.
He chooses three out of five available menus and prepares to meet the women that have stumped them up. He’s probably gutted that pie and chips isn’t there but as we”ll find out Hedge Hay isn’t exactly forthcoming with his true feelings.
Nicki is the first of Hedge Hay’s dates. She’s blagged one of Maria Venuti’s animal print tops to showcase her ample cleavage.Big hair,.lipstick and mega white teeth. She likes Hedge Hay’s eyes but laments that he’s a shortass, adding that burping on a first date would be a big turnoff.
Nicki’s a professional entertainer ,a dancer. This is where Hedge Hay blows it and enquires if that extends to “pole dancing”. Oh,no…alll that effort on the candles and pillows gone to hell. She used to be a cheerleader for the Roosters,too.It can only get better.
Hedge Hay than drops real clanger about women (I think) that ends with the word”ar$ehole”. It’s not received terribly well.
She brings out some heart shaped food on a bed of cous cous. Hedge Hay was suspicious but concludes that he likes it. He lies about the strawbwerries that have been soaking in vinegar for ages and compliments her.
For the kicker, Nicki’s going to give Hedge Hay a sample belly dance when really, he should have been wearing a drink or two by now. But no,Hedge Hay perves his brains out and let’s out with an oafish “Do you have to?’ when Nikki’ informs him that she’s off to get her clothes back on.
Even though Nicki admits to being an are$ehole magnet in the past, she’s had enough and wind things up as quickly as possible. She scores hedge Hay 5 out of 10.
Manu comes back after an ad break. He’s looking more comfortable this week and has a wry smile on his face. He tells us ” Hedge Hay is a rooved almond” (Trans- AJ is a rough diamond) in a masterful piece of sugar coating.
Second date _Michelle
Not to be denied, Hedge Hay heads off in his car to the tune of Rose Tattoo’s Bad Boy For Love. We see him getting out,twirling a bottle of booze gunslinger style to meet Michelle,the country girl who’s gone to a lot of trouble getting produce from the family farm to make a lamb roast for Hedge Hay.
Michelle’s a fetching brunette. She’s been single for three years and this is her first blind date. Doh. The dinner looks great-lamb roast and an apple and raspberry pie. She’s into beer and footy and Hedge Hay goes for that. He tells us that he’s been caught perving at Michelle a couple of times and that she’s got a great arse but he’s still pretty hopeful.
Hedge Hay offers to help in the kitchen,knowing that he’ll be knocked back. He makes an appalling aside about stoking the mantelpiece. Woops,maybe Michelle didn’t get that one. We hear Bill Idol’s Hot In The City .
There’s some small talk at dinner but Hedge Hay is so busy eating he’s unaware of his sickening display of finger licking,knife licking and wiping plates with fingers.God bless the producers for recapping the footage for our benefit. It seems like Michelle is a great gal on a losing streak.Unbelievably ,she scores Hedge hay 7 out of 10 and even even contemplated seeing him again. Hedge Hay drags his arse out into the night,probably over the limit.
There’s an ad break and we see Manu some more …but not too much. He makes sure he mentions the elephant in the room – Hedge Hay’s appalling eating etiquette.
Third Date- Erin
Erin is a thirty something florist. She like footy and sitting on the lounge. Hedge Hay thinks that because she’s stumping up prawns,.proscuitto wrapped roo and a lamington cake, it’s going to be a big Aussie night and he’s moronically chanting Oi Oi Oi on the way.
However, things in Erin’s kitchen aren’t exactly going swimmingly. The food’s not ready. She’s forgotten to turn the oven on. When she has both the roo and lamington cake are in the oven at the same time. Even I know that’s a bad marriage of alaments.
Erin goes for Hedge Hay’s spiky Advanced Hair style. Erin reveals that she normally goes for bad guys and she hope this time is diifferent. Sorry,chicky babe. While Erin ‘s in the kitchen ,Hedge Hay starts rooting through her fridge,looking for beer.
What an ingrate for not bringing his own beer. I’m speechless. Hedge Hay continues to drop hints about beer until he gets one. He complains about starving as well. He makes some uncultured remarks about oyster and then lies about the kangaroo saying it was “different’,when he hated it. The lamington cake was a flop as poor Erin forgot the coconut icing. .
Hedge Hay’s other faux pas is to call Erin -Michelle and is in major damage contol when he lies to Erin about the food-“it’s absolutely beautiful -just like you.”
Amazingly,Erin scores Hedge Hay 7/10 “with potential’ and now it’s decision time for Hedge Hay. He goes for the slimmest blonde Erin who cooked the worst food.
We see Erin and Hedge Hay sitting forlonly at a deserted resort somewhere in the Daintree
Doesn’t look like they got it on but who knows?.
At the death ,Manu returns to dourly inform us that Hedge Hay and Erin have not seen each other since. Hedge Hay’s still searching for the Tigers/Rooster supporter of his dreams.
Thanks for the feedback last week ,fellow bloggers. Feel free to cover things I’ve missed.