Guest Post: Survivor: One World – Strategy Strikes Back
Thank you JStar for writing this fabulous recap on Survivor: One World – Now over to you:
“Previously, on Survivor (Island of Cooties),” intones Dimples, “Pied-Piper Colton gaily led his band of lemurs towards the nadir of stupidity by
threatening convincing the boys to give up immunity so that the Queen can get his wish and vote out one of his subjects through bullying and humiliating means.” Next time you play Pictionary with friends and you have to draw something that represents STUPID, please visualise the Manono tribe.
Day 12 rolls up. What? No losing tribe skulking back to camp at night to discuss what happened? That’s strange. What are the editors up to? The women grill Troyzan to find out who was the dumb ass that insisted on giving up immunity. Troyzan is too shy to admit he was in favour of being stupid so instead, he intones the Queen’s name. “What a bunch of morons,” Sabrina says to the camera. “We have to stick together.” “Yes,” agrees Christina, “we have to stick together.” (And in case you haven’t got it already at home), lippy Alicia intones the importance of the seven-strong women “sticking together” all the way. Regular readers of the previous posts I made would remember that I said Mr Mark Burnett LOVES to drop very unsubtle hints early on in the show about the likely winner and game-changing moments. The fact that we were shown this “Thelma and Louise” sticking-till-the-end moment makes me illegally download “Run the World (Girls)” by Beyoncé onto my computer and have it on repeat as I type this post.
The Survivor medical crew descend upon the contestants and Dimples inform them that before the Reward challenge can commence, it is time to switch things up. It is Cooties vaccination time. Sleeves are rolled up and injections given and now the contestants are medically allowed to mix with one another without fear of the dreaded “boy germs” or “girl germs.” To randomly sort the teams, he’ll be handing out eggs with coloured dyes inside them. After advising Kat that these eggs weren’t for eating, the contestants smash their eggs to reveal which tribe they will be on.
Tribal swap reveals the new Salani tribe now consisting of Athletic Kim, Athletic Barbie Chelsea, Dumb Kat, Smart Sabrina, Abs Michael, Abs Jay, and Old Abs Troyzan. The new Manono tribe consists of Man Boobs Colton, Flabby Tarzan, Jiggly Jonas, Little Leif, “Shut the F-Up Alicia” Christina, “No! You Shut the F-Up Christina or I’ll punch you in the face” Alicia, and Cougar Mommy. When Jeff asked Colton what he thought of the other tribe, he said they looked like Greek Gods. His summation of his new tribe was that they were like the “Village People.” That immediately brings out a smile in Colton and he advocates for costume changes for his tribe. He wants to be Leather Man (naturally), whilst Jonas can be the Native American, and Tarzan can be the Construction Worker.
Back to the game and it is clear that new Manono suck physically. In fact, I’m going to do an Edna and volunteer to eat Coach’s “leavings” if new Manono actually win any challenge from now on till the merge. The prize for winning the reward challenge was a college student’s diet of coffee, sugar, and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Plus, the losing tribe is banished to another part of the island to build a new camp. The challenge involves using a bucket with holes to fill water and dumping it into another bucket at the end of an obstacle course. Very “It’s a Knockout.” Challenge begins and it is actually close until the very end when the babies at new Manono decide not to listen to their Cougar Mommy’s sensible suggestion in waiting till their bucket was full before moving on. New Salani eke out a win.
The sucky losers head over to the location of their new camp site. Doing anything possible in avoiding helping his tribemates build a new camp, Colton whores it up in front of the camera. (Guess it is going to be a Colton-centric episode tonight). He was annoyed with who ended up on his new tribe because they all suck. (Gee Colton, regretting voting out strong members like Ken-Doll Matt and Stoner Bill whilst still a TEAM-BASED game already?) Alicia chimes in and says that everyone knew that new Manono would suck. Thank you Alicia. Half-full kind of gal aren’t you?
Back on new Salani, the tribe bonds by outraging vegans around the world by spearing crabs through their heads and catching yet another one of Shambo’s chickens. (Kimmy from Season 2 – “Don’t you wave your finger at me!” yells with outrage from her home after seeing the fate of that chicken). But this episode is about strategy. So whilst Abs Michael and Barbie Chelsea complete the gratuitous sexy shots quota for the episode by bathing in the ocean together, Really, Really Good-Looking Jay, Savvy Kim, and New Top Cock Troyzan agree on a secret alliance. Because Kim seems to have brains, she points out that unlike Ken-Doll Matt, she knows her maths and three is not a controlling alliance in a team of seven. She volunteers Barbie as the fourth member of this new alliance. Kim is happy as she confesses that she now will have two alliances she can choose from depending on how events unfold. She can choose to remain a Spice Girl through and through or shack up with her new ABs and Barbie Alliance (ABBA for short). Kim is so excited, she promises the viewers that she will sex things up after the ad break so as to dispel all notions that she is a boring person to watch on TV.
Cut to Manono and Colton is also showing that he has girl power in him and he can strategise with the worst of them. Utilising his secret gangland-style handshakes, he pinky-finger promises with Cougar Mommy, Christina, and Alicia that he is indeed 100% with the girls forever. But we know how devious this Queen is. After being confronted by Jonas about his laziness, Colton swears he won’t bat for the other team and that he is still one of the boys. To prove it, he limp-fist bumps his commitment to bringing down the girls with Jonas. Colton approaches Alicia and asks her if she is prepared to do a Ginger Spice and leave the girl power alliance. Alicia isn’t too convinced only because she was reminded by the off-camera producer about her whole “Thelma-and-Louise speech” this morning. However the sight of Christina helping build their new camp was enough to ignite the Judas in her. Ad break time.
We return to find out that nothing of note happened on Day 13 to show the viewers. Here I was thinking that maybe we would get a repeat of that infamous Jenna, Heidi, and Shauna topless bathing in the Amazon River scene (Season 6 – now out on DVD). But what we get instead is even better IMHO. Day 14 and Kim decide to keep her promise and try to cultivate a more exciting persona for us viewers. She comes to the realisation that after two weeks, she should probably look for the immunity idol instead of just being a background character. So she follows the carefully laid out directions that the off-camera producer so kindly gave her and hey presto! She has the immunity idol. Chuffed by this find, Kim promptly stuffs the idol down her crotch and saunters over to a sun-bathing Chelsea to have a surprisingly MA+ conversation with her.
Kim: “Guess who’s got morning wood today?”
Kim: “No. Try again.”
Kim: “Another go.”
Kim: “He’s already gone.”
Chelsea: “Not Tarzan?”
Kim: “No silly. Me! Check out my lady parts now.”
Unfortunately, the lens on the camera fog up at this point and we the viewers don’t get to see the big reveal. Such teases! After all that build-up, the following few minutes are naturally a disappointment. Something about Kim and Chelsea promising never to tell anyone about the idol and we yet again see how sucky the Manono tribe is because Queen Colton says so. Christina and Cougar thought they caught one of Shambo’s chickens but did not realise that the coup they used only had three sides to it!
So with that, we head to the Immunity Challenge that involves a hybrid game of water-gridiron/netball in groups of three. Manono are so overmatched. In the first round, Jay, Mike, and Troyzan easily throw Jonas and Colton in the water and shoot the winning goal before Tarzan could even waddle his way to the middle of the water field. Second round was even less fair as it was shot during high-tide and poor Leif almost gets swept out by the currents. However, in the third round, the only athletic member of their tribe, Cougar Mommy, uses her coconuts to tackle Dumb Kat into the water and score an important goal for Manono. Will this be the comeback that all underdogs will gain strength from when they study their Survivor History – much like that infamous mutiny during Survivor 13: Race Wars? Fourth round and Colton shows surprising dexterity in bolting towards the ball. He gets it first and looks around. No back up! Jonas is being tackled by Troyzan whilst Tarzan is still trying to figure out how to move his “crusty old ass” in the water. Like a (bad?) dream for Colton, Abs Michael and Abs Jay tackle him into the water. This elicits high-pitched screams of “Help me!” from the Queen but Tarzan is still ten metres away. Colton is determined to hold on to the ball. Fed-up, Michael proceeds to drown Colton to the sounds of universal applause from all the viewers’ watching at home. In the end, Salani score the final point and new Manono slink back to camp dejected.
Geri Halliwell Alicia gives the viewers at home another lesson in stupidity when she announces that Colton and she had agreed that Monica is going home tonight. Yes, Cougar Mommy who is the strongest member in this tribe and actually scored a point in that immunity challenge, is apparently a target because she is a strong and nice individual and will be difficult to vote off after a merge. What the…? Alicia confidently declares that her and Colton’s Oscar winning performance will produce the best blindside this series thus far (um…there hasn’t been one yet Alicia). As the wolves circle, Colton hatches his plan. Telling Jonas that he is secretly a Rice Queen, Jonas agrees to prove his loyalty to Colton by becoming his bitch and vote out Cougar Mommy. Monica and Christina are on the outs and think the target will be Tarzan because he offended humanity by bending over in his wet blue briefs under the gaze of a high definition camera lens.
The only hitch to this plan of blindsiding Monica is, ironically, Tarzan himself (and Leif). Colton says it is so mentally tiring to be a leader of a bunch of idiots who look to him for every decision. Fearing that Leif will have another honesty meltdown, Colton take Leif and Tarzan aside and explain the plan to them. He tells them Monica has to go as she is too nice and her bosoms may accidently smother Leif at night. He also said that Monica told Colton that her boob job was done by a plastic surgeon rival of Tarzan’s. This gets Tarzan angry and he starts beating his chest. “Tarzan mad! Tarzan kill…..who?” As Colton so sensitively puts it in his confessional, Tarzan suffers from Alzheimer’s as he has to be told things 87 times. Cue scenes of Colton reminding Tarzan to vote for Monica. (Who?) Monica. (Okay, who?) Monica. As in Monica Lewinsky. The girl with the blue dress that was the same shade of your briefs you insist on parading around with. (Okay, which one is Monica?) Pink bikini – kind of like Pamela Anderson in Baywatch? (Oh, okay. Who is Pamela?) Colton is worried that Tarzan’s forgetfulness may make him write down “Melons” during Tribal Council tonight.
And with that, we are magically transported to Tribal Council. Monica is screwed. Dimples first question is to Jonas as to what he thought of the tribes after the swap. He notes that the odds weren’t in their favour in terms of physicality – (and yet you’re about to vote out Monica?!). Monica tries to give her best pep-talk and emphasise that there are positive aspects of the swap and it isn’t all bad. (Wait a few minutes Monica, and then answer that question again). Colton pulls off his Oscar-winning performance by declaring the team needs Monica. But can Geri Halliwell claim the Best Supporting Actress Oscar as well? Sadly no. Alicia practically telegraphs that she is about to stab Monica in the back – causing quite a few panicked looks from Jonas and Colton. Luckily for her, Tarzan distracts everyone by etching his name in the Best Supporting Eccentric in a Reality TV Show Genre. Mindful of how he gave the game away to Matt in Episode III’s Tribal Council, Tarzan “shan’t” be revealing too much information as “the game is afoot.” When giving his views on his fellow tribemates, he spouts off adjectives with multiple syllables that forces me to visit the dictionary.com website. He also reveals that he suffers a mild form of aphasia which affects his ability to remember names. Dimples, ever the sensitive individual when it comes to disabilities, insist on testing the veracity of Tarzan’s assertion, lest the proliferation of further untruths continue to permeate the sanctity of Tribal Council 😛 Sure enough, Tarzan struggled with naming his tribemates: Tarzan, Colton, Alicia, Munchkin, Asian Woman, Melons, and Jason. After this tortuous handling of one’s mild deficiency is aired on national television, it is time to vote. We only get to see Monica’s vote for Tarzan because we know she is screwed.
Time to reveal the votes. Tarzan, Tarzan, Monica, Monica (puzzled looks from Christina and Monica are exchanged), Monica (Julie Bishop death stares given to Colton by both Monica and Christina), and Monica (smirks all round from Alicia, Jonas, and Colton). With that, Monica expels a “wow” and goes up to Jeff to get her torch snuffed. Consoling a shell-shocked Monica, Jeff informs her to not worry as “All Cougars go to Heaven.” Monica is sent on her way and in her Final Words explains that as a wife of a professional footballer, she had attended many games of her husband and was hoping to last long enough for the family-visit episode. Dimples conclude the episode by again questioning why the tribe was so willing to get rid of their only co-ordinated member whilst still a TEAM-BASED game heavily reliant on numbers.
Was the right person sent home? Will Tarzan ever remember Christina’s name? If Kim has to play the idol in the future, will she do it as memorably as Sandra (Heroes vs Villains) when she whipped it out of her bra?
I promise to get something written up later tonight regarding Episode VI: Return of Karma. Damn late-night double screenings. I know everyone wants to talk about what happened in that second episode and I’m not planning to disappoint “y’all.” A major shout-out of respect to RR because after writing this post, I have no idea how she has the strength to balance her life with all these reality TV shows and STILL manage to consistently post on her site!