Guest Post: Survivor One – Episode 6 – Return of Blondie
Yet again JStar has done an epic recap on Survivor: One World – Thanks.
Now over to you:
Like the predatory shark in Jaws circling the scantily clad sexed-crazed teen in her bikini, this is the episode that all of us have been hoping for. That 24 hour pray-a-thon I had to do with Coach as part of his “Reality is Honesty” mantra was worth it in the end after getting my prayers answered in this episode. But I’m getting ahead of myself now. This is a recap and there will be plenty of time to gloat triumphantly when seeing someone so despicable gets his just desserts. Anyway, sweater vest is on so it is time to see what our favourite castaways are up to.
After the Harlem Globetrotters mysteriously left the island, Gilligan sought the company of Ginger and the Professor…oh sorry….I’m supposed to be recapping those OTHER favourite castaways.
Night 14 on Survivor 24 (Greek Gods vs Village People) and after voting Monica out, Queen Colton crows about the blindside he orchestrated. He and his new bestie fag hag lie in the shelter as the others tend to the fire. “Christina you suck!” crows Colton. “Everyone hates you” yells out Puerto Rican- Geri Halliwell. Geri confesses that she was not prepared to go over a cliff for Monica or Christina so she decided to make like Diana Ross and shunt her sisters into the background. So Crass Alicia laughs as Colton gleefully tells Christina that not only does she have no friends in this game; all the people remaining want her gone. He tells her that she is a cockroach that has somehow managed to survive to this point against all odds. However, IF she does somehow makes the merge, he and Alicia will make sure that she is the first one to go home before anyone else – including Tarzan.
You would think this would be enough insults for one night but it keeps on coming – making this a very uncomfortable viewing experience. Being a Queen and a Queen-in-waiting, it is the rightful place of Colton and Alicia to hog the entire sleeping area of the shelter. This meant that Christina was forced to the very edge and perched precariously over the fire. She asks Alicia to move and is told that since she is the next to go, she can go get stuffed. Christina proceeds to move Alicia and is threatened with yet another punch to the face. Christina dares Alicia to follow through with her threat and there is an uncomfortable pause before Alicia relents and reluctantly moves. Christina called her bluff. (Survivor rules dictate that any physical fights between contestants results in automatic disqualification unless it involves mud and/or jelly in a make-shift wrestling ring whilst competing for immunity).
The producers must have thought that this was enough bullying as they don’t include a secret scene (which has been widely circulated on the internet) showing Colton and Alicia mocking Christina and Jonas as they sleep. Colton makes slanty eyes faces to the camera and encourages Alicia to do the same, which she does. And I thought how he attacked Bill in Episode IV’s Tribal Council was bad.
Morning of Day 15 and the Greek Gods and Goddesses are woken up by Dumb Kat’s announcement that she had a dream that Alicia killed her at the mall. (To the ever keen spoiler sleuths, chalk this up to a future backstab of Kat from Alicia). In the pantheon of random comments on reality TV, this ranks as somewhere in the middle of things. Top honours goes to Reggie‘s(Big Brother Australia 3) proclamation at the breakfast table that she did a poo that morning. Newsworthy.
Kim reads out a cryptic message from Tree Mail regarding the upcoming Reward Challenge. Message referred to the challenge being inspired by games they played as kids. “Hope it’s Spin the Bottle” Old Abs Troyzan yells out. Maybe “Kiss Chasey?” suggests Abs Michael. “Doctors and Nurses” suggest Really, Really, Really, Good-Looking Jay with abs that could grate carrots. Hmm…I wonder who woke up with morning wood today? Whoops! No time to ponder that thought as we are whisked magically to the Reward challenge where the oh so body-perfect Salani tribe are shocked to see that the only co-ordinated member of the sucky Manono tribe was voted out at last night’s Tribal Council. Smarty-pants Sabrina is not happy as she thinks the penis collection are banding together to rid the island of all women.
Dimples greets the tribes and reveals that today’s challenge is called “Bouncing Coconuts” and will involve tribe members climbing blocks of Lego to reach the top so they can bounce coconuts to knock out five targets. (Religious devotees of American reality television would know that coconuts are indeed bountiful). Chelsea breaks out into a wide grin as she has a *cough* “home ground” advantage. The reward for the winning tribe will be as much ice-cream as they can eat. Colton immediately begs his team to win this challenge for
them him. (Newsflash Colton! You voted Monica out. You have zero chance of winning without her expertise).
Challenge starts and sure enough, Manono suck. Having only learnt how to throw a ball (overhand) one-week prior to landing in Samoa, Colton does little to dispel stereotypes when it comes to camp men and athletic abilities. Alicia is so bad in this challenge that Dimples heckle her from the sidelines. Despite the pathetic performances from the Queen and his lady-in-waiting, Colton screams and admonishes Christina during this challenge, even calling her a stupid f-ing idiot. Tarzan demands one of those electronic chairs to sit on that take elderly people up and down stairs. When Dimples refuses, he lumbers up those Lego blocks which draw howls of laughter from Sabrina (who is sitting out this challenge). Tarzan shuts her up by hitting two targets and thus proving that his experience as a plastic surgeon in handling coconuts was quite useful in this challenge after all. But it comes to absolutely no-one’s surprise that the Greek Gods and Goddesses won the challenge comfortably. As the Village People walk away dejected, we catch a glimpse of a confessional from Colton who says he hates
Bill’s Christina’s voice, face, and everything about her. As far as Colton is concerned, she can either quit, wait to be voted off in two days, or jump in the fire and be medically evacuated from the game. (Oh this karma payoff is going to be so satisfying. We head off to an ad break to the strains of Deborah Harry singing a classic Blondie song, “One way, or another, I’m gonna find you, I’m gonna get you get you get you get you).
We come back from the ad break only to be disappointed by the sideshow that is the triumphant Salani tribe eating tonnes of ice-cream. Come on guys. The real action is over with the losers. I’m not interested in seeing some reject from Temptation Island making sundaes. Get to the drama that is the Queen and her minions. FINALLY, the ominous music is played and there are camera shots of bats and crabs. The foreboding atmospherics makes me simultaneously scared and itchy. As everyone else but Colton and Alicia tend to the fire and shelter, Colton tells Alicia about his oh so bitchy confessional that we heard leading to the last ad break. Thinking it so hilarious, the mean girls repeat it to Christina, with particular emphasis on jumping into the fire. Tarzan is confused as he is yet to figure out how another Asian person ended up on his tribe. Exasperated, Colton and Alicia take him aside to commence their intensive 3-hour lesson on name and word association. Hey Colton and Alicia! Maybe you can continue pulling your slanty-eye faces to help Tarzan remember his tribemates’ names?
This is the point where Christina finally shows some sort of strategic mind – something that has been missing for 15 days. She approaches Jonas and Leif and tells them that Alicia is part of the Spice Girls alliance and it would be better if they voted Alicia out and thus increasing the odds for the boys to take over the game post-merge. Jonas is actually on board with this idea and he confesses that he isn’t too comfortable with the bullying and personal attacks Alicia and Colton are dispensing on Christina. Jonas explains that when he stepped off the plane in Samoa, the airline informed him that his luggage was stolen. Unfortunately for Jonas, he stored his testicles in his suitcase for safe storage. That is why he was physically unable to speak up and admonish the Queen and his Lady-in-Waiting when they bullied Christina.
Just when we think Christina is safe, the camera pulls back to reveal that the bushy tree at the corner of the screen was in fact Alicia’s frightening frizzy hair. And she just overheard the tail end of Christina’s conversation. That’s when Alicia’s hands take a life of its own – crazily gesticulating like an Italian chef in the middle of dinner service. She tells Christina to “be a woman and to say it to her face instead of whispering behind her back.” And to Christina’s credit, she doesn’t back down and repeats that Geri is a Spice Girl and it would be better to vote her out so that the men can retain control of the game. This logic upsets Alicia as she isn’t used to the concept of truthfulness in her normal life as a teacher for children with special needs. So she does her usual bombastic “Shut the F-Up Christina!” and just “Talk to my hand you loser” routine, ensuring that her theatrics drown out any chance for Christina to respond. Meanwhile in the midst of this chaos, Leif helps Jonas to try and locate his missing testicles.
Nightfalls and suddenly we see Colton lying in Christina’s lap because he is crying and has a massive boo-boo headache. Christina patiently waits for an opportunity to snap Colton’s neck but unfortunately the cameras have infra-red capabilities. So she tends to Colton like a doting mother. Being the ever grateful person he is, Colton thanks Christina by questioning her motives. We approach Day 16 and Tarzan is having a rare moment of lucidity. He assesses Colton and tells him to force himself to drink water as he is dehydrated. Tarzan gives his medical opinion to the viewers that he believes the Queen is displaying signs of appendicitis, gall bladder, and bowel obstruction. I’m unsure whether Tarzan is a qualified doctor because he if firstly not wearing a white coat and a stethoscope, and secondly he is sitting in a rainforest in his blue briefs with the same feather in his hair that Special Agent Phillip’s Native American grandfather dropped from the heavens. Dr Jonas is a lot more qualified for Colton’s needs as he writes a prescription for “coconut water enema” – (a traditional Samoan treatment I presume?)
A dizzy Colton complies with his tribe’s insistence that he drink some water. So rather than help fetch this water (or enema) for Colton, they send the Queen to do something for himself for once in this game. The Queen walks off but collapses in the clearing, writing in pain. Instead of sending for help, the cameraman prolongs Colton’s agony by just filming him crying in a foetal position. (Someone please give this cameraman a medal!). Realising that Colton has been gone for a while, Christina looks for Colton and finds him slumped on the ground in agony. She realises that Colton needs medical assistance so she runs off to find the most qualified person on the island to help him.
In comes Dr Dimples to save the day in his brighter-than-bright blue shirt (that is conveniently unbuttoned enough to have a perve at his manly chest) that is rolled up to expose his gym-bulked forearms whilst accessorising his outfit with a suspiciously never-before-worn cap with the Survivor 24: One World logo emblazoned on the front (that is available for purchase on the internet). Oh, and two other women are next to him but they can’t be medically trained as they aren’t wearing white coats and they speak with Australian and New Zealand accents.
Ramona (the unqualified medic) asks Colton wear he is in pain. Dr Dimples (the qualified medic) knows that Colton doesn’t respond to the female touch so he insists on repeating every question to Colton during this diagnosis examination. Ramona proceeds to examine Colton and this gets him all upset – crying and breathing heavily – and his heart rate exponentially jumps. (Fundamentalist Christians in America all rejoice that this “conversion” technique has worked). Colton is pissed and demands a second opinion, this time with a man touching him. Dr Dimples complies and we get the same physiological responses from Colton so it must be a medical issue. (Crestfallen, the Fundamentalist Christians vow to come up with more reliable “conversion” techniques in the future). Ramona tells Dimples that in her unqualified opinion, she can’t rule out appendicitis. Colton bursts into tears. Given that this show is essentially filmed for an American audience, Dr Dimples knows he has to repeat things slowly so as to ensure even the dumbest inbred hick in the South knows what is going on.
Dr Dimples: “So Ramona, are you saying that in your unqualified opinion, this may be appendicitis?”
Dr(?) Ramona: “Yes and no Dr, with your oh-so-perfect dimples and wrinkle-free forehead. I cannot rule in or out appendicitis without evacuating the patient and running some further tests in a hospital.”
Dr Dimples: “So you’re saying that this is bad, yeah?”
Dr(?) Ramona: “Yes, that is what I am saying. It is too risky to leave him in the game as his appendix may burst.”
Dr Dimples: “So Colton, it is my diagnosis that you may have appendix-bad-thingy and you’ve got to be medically evacuated. How does Karma feel now – biatch?”
Queen: “No Jeff. (Crying). I can’t leave. I just wanted to show the world that I can do it. I guess I’ve done my best (bullying). I just wish I could do more (bullying).”
Dr Dimples: (In a sympathetic tone). “Do you still have the idol? What are you going to do about it?”
Dr(?) Ramona: “Um Dr. Maybe this isn’t the time or place to discuss this.”
Dr Dimples: “Shush up woman. Colton, what are you going to do?”
Queen: “I’m in pain. Do I have to think about it now? Can I give it to someone?”
Dr Dimples: “That is your choice. Producers, remove the barbed wire fencing so that the rest of the tribe can now enter on screen. Thank you.”
A very concerned Manono tribe surround Colton who is sobbing uncontrollably. He tells them that the qualified doctor told him that he may have appendix-bad-thingy. Shocked looks of concern cross everyone’s face except for Alicia who says in her confessional that all she could think about was strategy at that point. But don’t judge her as a bad person! Dr Dimples informs them that Colton will be medically evacuated. And Jonas cries! What the-? Jonas explains that he feels bad for his Queen and he knows it is hard for him to abdicate his crown on medical grounds. Dr Dimples calls in the stretcher and asks Colton if he has any last words before flipping the switch on the electric
chair stretcher? Yes, the Drama Queen sobs. “Tell Sabrina, thanks for the souvenir.” With that, Colton and his idol is taken out of the game. We hear Alicia bitch that Colton is a spoiled brat and he screwed her over when Alicia CHOSE to vote out Cougar Mommy, thus ensuring the girls were weakened in this sucky new Manono tribe. Jonas tells the camera that as the patient Bitch-in-Waiting, he now is the new leader. He stifles a chuckle as he explains that karma came and bit Colton big time. (The rest of the viewers at home stand up and applaud). He says that Colton’s original plan was to vote Christina off next but now Jonas thinks it is better to vote out one of the Spice Girls at the next Tribal Council. (The viewers at home give another round of applause as they whoop and holler at the thought of karma getting back at two of the nastiest people on TV in the same episode). Unfortunately we aren’t shown the “welcome” that was awaiting Colton when he returns to Loser Lodge to find Ken-Doll Matt, Stoner Bill, and Cougar Mommy waiting for him with baseball bats. Ad break time.
Day 17 and tree mail arrives and informs the Salani tribe that there is no immunity challenge and they are heading to Tribal Council tonight. This freaks everyone else out. Dumb Kat confesses that she has no fingernails left and that all the dirt is now in her mouth which is nutritious. Seriously? Kat, you do know that you aren’t provided toilet paper when you sign up for Survivor. Kim is worried that there will be a surprise immunity challenge at Tribal Council so she says she will ensure her hidden immunity idol is kept hidden in her back pocket. Oh wait…what was the off-camera producer saying? The idol has to be placed down her crotch by Chelsea or else every future confessional of hers will highlight that hairy dirt line appearing above her upper lip. Kim doesn’t know what to do. This is her Sophie’s Choice moment. Does she choose to remain a boring character on television, or sex things up for the viewers at home so she can get more air time?
In a parallel universe known as sucky Manono, the remaining tribe members are also informed about the sudden Tribal Council to be conducted that night. Alicia hopes that tonight will be just about Colton (Sure Alicia. Like the last 3 episodes has featured anyone but Colton), and not to vote anyone else out as she knows she is in trouble. Jonas, Leif, and Christina make a pack to vote out Alicia if there is a vote tonight. However, the wildcard is surprisingly, Tarzan. At first he tries to psyche-out his tribe by going all Mr Miyagi zen-like complete with his crazy eyes as they are getting ready to go to Tribal Council. Alicia asks him if he will be her friend. He tells her he’ll go one better and be her sugar daddy. Christina asks if Tarzan will be her friend. He says no. He will be friends with Jason and Leif but he won’t be friends with Katrina. “Christina,” she corrects him. “Jackie Chan” responds Tarzan.
Tarzan hustles Leif away from the group and strongarms Leif into voting for Katrina tonight by warning him about Katrina’s sycophantic ways. Leif is intimidated by multi-syllabled words that are bigger than him and he isn’t convinced that voting with Tarzan is the right move. Oh please let them vote tonight as it is clear Alicia’s days are numbered. The Manono tribe head off to Tribal Council and we enter our final ad break. Oh look, there’s Delta and Seal for yet another promo for The Voice!
The Salani tribe enter Tribal Council to the strains of the ominous music superimposed with a shot of a spider crawling across its web. Scary. Jeff asks for the Manono tribe to enter and they all walk in with cheesy grins on their faces – (perhaps one of them farted?). Dr Dimples reveals that Colton was medically evacuated yesterday with a suspected case of appendix-bad-thingy and will need surgery.
Salani is shocked. Manono keeps on grinning. Dumb Kat is particularly confused and she asks, “What is that?” Alicia explains to Kat that surgery is what you get in a hospital to have bad things removed. “And sometimes good things are inserted too” chimes in Tarzan. Kat is still worried. Leif volunteers that he has had appendicitis before and it hurt a lot. Kat is freaking out. Spice Girls Kim of possible ABBA fame reveals her soft side by gleefully revealing she is glad that another person is gone that is not her. Plus she also had her appendix out as a teenager as well. Kat is flips out. She demands to know from Dr Dimples if one of the side effects from that Cooties injection she got the other day will give her appendix bad-thingy.
The Manono tribe, clearly in the mood to absolutely mind-f*ck the Salani tribe, reveal to Sabrina that Colton wanted to thank her for the souvenir as he took his idol with him. Sabrina wants to believe them but Barbie Chelsea thinks that the idol is still with them. Dimples does his best to needle Manono to find out if they are deliberately mind-f*cking with Salani by revealing half-truths or not. Jonas handles the inquisition with aplomb by channelling his inner-Tarzan and responding that he shan’t be revealing much. Abs Jay and Old Abs Troyzan are convinced that the Manono tribe are hiding something because they cannot contain their gleeful laughter. Oh Troyzan, let them bask in the limelight for once. You know they aren’t ever going to win a challenge. Let them enjoy their fruits of victory just this one time.
Then Dimples drop the “bombshell” that no one is going home tonight (shocker!) AND they were merging (Dammit! How dare you save Alicia?!). They will be heading back to the beach where they first started this game and the hidden immunity idol that Colton took will return into play. Lots of eyes dart back and forth, particularly between the girls. Dimples questions Troyzan who admits he is already doing numbers and notes that both the men and women are equal in numbers. (Finally, someone with abs who can count). Kim admits she doesn’t know if the Spice Girls Alliance is still on or she should go with ABBA or if Men at Work will reform. Dimples end the inquisition by asking for Tarzan’s take on things which draws his now famous catchcry of, “The game is afoot.” We get a preview shot of the men arguing and it appears (at least through editing) that Tarzan prefers the company of ladies. We shall see. Colton’s final words are typically all about him. We hear how great he was doing running this game, how he had a plan, and how he knew he could win this thing.
So there you have it. Mean Girl suffers fate of the Heathers. Karma came back in a big way. Although the bullying was hard to watch, this episode proved to be so crowd-pleasing when the Queen was stretchered off but left me feeling a bit letdown when it turned out that Alicia would be safe for a little while longer. Kind of like sitting through the first two classic Star Wars film only to be let down by the Teddy Bear picnic of the final film after the promise built up with Princess Leia’s gold chain harem outfit. Was Colton the most despicable person to ever grace Survivor?
As a postscript, it unfortunately appears that Karma is also a media whore. Turns out that Colton didn’t have appendicitis at all – just some sort of bacterial infection that did not require surgery but dosages of antibiotics. Whereas Punky Brewster Kourtney, who broke her wrist in the first episode, has recently been diagnosed with cancer. Go figure! So after six Colton-centric episodes, we have had two medical evacuations, one brutal blindside, and witnessed the dumbest move in Survivor history. Ever. So how will the rest of the season pan out? Not sure as next week, we have to sit through a program featuring the other Queen (Elizabeth II). Come on Channel 9. You’ve already delayed this program so long in the first place. As loud mouth Alicia would say, “You suck!”