Guest Post: Survivor – One World – Together We Are One
Thanks again to Jstar for another cracking recap:
The Queen is dead, long live the Queen. After a week’s break where we gleefully bid farewell to one of the most vicious contestant ever to appear on Survivor, Channel 9 decided to resume airing this long delayed season of Survivor (now with 50% extra promos for
Delta The Voice) after the festivities celebrating Lizzie and her diamond reign.
Night 17 and the traditional Merge Pub Crawl is in full swing when the tribes reunite back on the old Salani camp to a picnic spread of wine, cheese, bourbon, fruit, beer, cold meats, and alcohol. Alicia can’t believe that sucky Christina is still in the game even though we viewers know that after Colton was medically evacuated, Jonas, Leif, and Christina were planning to take this bully down next. Alicia says she plans to resurrect the Spice Girls to takedown the icky and smelly boys as we jarringly head off into our first glimpse of the full intro. [Geez, random comment then head straight into the intro. Uber-producer, Mark Burnett, you’re not even trying to disguise your spoilers anymore!] Anyway, the intro consists of the mandatory sexy slow-motion shots of Barbie Chelsea running in water and a shirtless Abs Jay flexing – all captured by HD cameras.
Day 18 arrives and Old Abs Troyzan decides to call the new merged tribe “Tikiano” and explains that he was forced by the off-camera producers to replace the second “t” with the letter “k” so as to not offend the viewers in a PG timeslot. All contestants are hungover and bleary-eyed and are not in the mood to argue for a more interesting tribe name. They just want coffee. As they all gather around the fire that Gassy Kat so proudly made (as she is still the one and only designated fire starter), Abs Jay tells Tarzan, “no coffee for you!” Apparently, the coffee is only for the Greek Gods and Goddesses of the old new Salani tribe. Not even Jonas’s cooking can rescue pouty Tarzan from his funk.
This gets Tarzan mad. We know he is mad as he can’t string three adjectives together in one sentence. “Tarzan mad! Tarzan sulk to cameraman!” Tarzan says that, “He Tarzan, you men must together unite. Abs Jay no smart. Tarzan go and talk to Abs Mike.” Tarzan tells Abs Mike that he wants to remain loyal to the men and they need to swing the manliest woman over to their side. Abs Mike laughs as he has no intention of siding with Tarzan as the plan is to vote out all members of the former Village People tribe. But he plays along and suggests Kim as the person Tarzan should approach because that hairy line appearing above her upper lip makes her the manliest of them all. Tarzan disagrees and says that Alicia is the manliest woman he knows on the island as her mouth would make any wharfie blush.
We cut to Reward time where the new Tikiano tribe are split in two teams of six for the challenge. The orange team consisting of Abs Jay, Barbie Chelsea, “Shut the F-up Christina” Alicia, Smart Sabrina, Old Abs Troyzan, and “Shut the F-up Alicia” Christina are on one side. The blue team contains Little Leif, Moustache Kim, Gassy Kat, Abs Mike, Tarzan, and
Jason Jonas. The first four members have to run an obstacle course and dig for four parcels of puzzle pieces. The remaining two members of each team will then assemble the pieces to win a typical college student’s diet of beer and pizza for lunch. Oh, and some secret love letter which everyone knows is just another clue to the second hidden immunity idol. The real strategy in this challenge was who would be sent out first to dig a hole under the first gated obstacle that would fit all four members of the team.
Most smart people would think it would make sense to send out Abs Jay and Abs Mike first but apparently these smarty-pants did not make the cut for this season of Survivor. So whilst Jay easily dug a hole big enough to fit him and his other tribemates, thus ensuring a massive lead, Leif is sent out first and digs a hole big enough to fit only half of him. If that wasn’t embarrassing enough, he then proceeds to go underneath the gate face-first. Leif swallows a lot of sand but he is not going to give up because Delta told him he was born to try. It should have been a blowout but the orange team forgot how badly Sabrina suck at every physical challenge thus far. Abs Mike makes up a lot of ground and by the time the remaining two members of each team have to assemble the puzzle pieces, it was anyone’s game. The miraculous come from behind win from the blue team should have occurred but is sabotaged by Tarzan paying more attention to the oh-so perfect face of Dimples and those innocent eyes – (thanks Delta) – of his than on doing the puzzle. The orange team sneak out the victory and Gassy Kat is reduced to tears as she needed the pizza and beer to refuel her lighter.
The winning team gather together to eat, burp, fart their way through beer and pizza. Alicia reads the love letter, secretly hoping it was from Colton. Alas no, but it is (shock horror!) a clue to the second hidden immunity idol. Chelsea quickly exhorts that the clue should remain with these six members so as to limit the chances of any of the Village People finding it. Back with the losers, Jonas and Abs Mike are doing some strategising because the background music of drums signal something is afoot. (And here I was thinking it was some random conversation. Thank goodness I’m not tone deaf.) Abs Mike asks Jonas if he knows that Tarzan has asked for Alicia to man up and be one of the guys. Jonas has no idea that Tarzan has even begun to strategise after 18 days on the island. He’s pissed as he had pegged Tarzan as a male-version of Shambo rather than a Caucasian-version of Fuchsia Undies Phillip. So Jonas goes to confront Tarzan who is emerging out of the blue (ocean) in his tiny blue briefs to “talk.” Jonas, being a sushi chef, channels Gordon Ramsey and launches into Tarzan about running his mouth without checking with the Village People “brains” trust first. Tarzan channels Alicia and gets into Jonas’s face reminding him that he told Jonas of his plan to bring the bully into an alliance with the men two days ago. The censors are working overtime as seriously, every third word is bleeped out. In the end, Tarzan storms off after telling Jonas that he is done working with him and that he doesn’t like him. (“And you should tell him you’ll punch him in the face,” yells Alicia from somewhere on the otherside of the island). As such, Tarzan is withdrawing from the alliance with the Village People and confesses that he can’t even look at Jonas’s face anymore. We are then treated to the horrors of yet another gratuitous shot of Tarzan bending over in his blue undies, flashing the viewers his tan line. Gross.
Day 19 and Troyzan is up bright and early and goes for a little Easter Egg Hunt for the second hidden immunity idol before everyone else wakes up. It takes him all of 20 seconds to find it as Troyzan just had to follow the trail of discarded cigarette butts from the cameramen. Upon discovering the idol, he promptly shoves it down his crotch as per the new rules that dictate that all idols must come into contact with the finder’s crotch within twenty-seconds of discovery.
We cut to a commercial break where I’m told that Delta and The Voice will have its grand finale on Sunday – just in case you have been living under a rock all year. Day 20 and we are back to Survivor: Officially Cooties-free for 7 days, and it is the first Individual Immunity Challenge. This challenge is a rehash of one done in previous seasons, most recently on Survivor: Let’s Rig it so Either Boston Rob or Evil Russell Will Win. It involves contestants standing on a ledge whilst balancing balls on their respective discs. Sounds suggestive? You bet. Here’s a pearler from Dimples, “Michael with both his balls hanging on the edge of his disc.” Anyway, no shocks that Tarzan was the first person out of the challenge, followed quickly by Christina. In the end, it comes down to Troyzan and Kat and Troyzan wins because Dimples says, “His balls have not moved in a long time.” Barbie Chelsea, being a pharmaceutical sales rep, makes a mental note to drop a sample of Viagra over to Troyzan’s home when the game is over.
Back at camp, the scrambling begins. Troyzan is happy with his position of being in a secret ABBA alliance within his former Greek Gods Tribe. Really, really good looking Chelsea and really, really good looking Jay take a romantic walk together in the forest and agree to stick with the Greeks and vote out Jonas as he is the only member of the former Village People tribe who knows how to throw and catch a ball. Chelsea doesn’t want to vote out Jonas as he feeds them and has a positive energy around camp and is likeable but, as Colton did to Monica earlier, Chelsea has her bitchy game face on. She wants to be the new bitch in town so Jonas is going home. Fearing that she is next, Alicia asks the Moustache what is happening as no one was speaking to her – (duh, nobody likes a bully, Alicia). Kim tells her to vote for Jonas and says in her confessional that not only does this maintain the domination over the former Village People, it also secures a majority for the women should she decide to reform the Spice Girls later down the track. This bearded lady has brains! Why can’t the men see this?
Sensing that his name and not Abs Mike’s has been tossed around at camp, Jonas starts to scramble. Firstly he apologises to Tarzan for his Gordon Ramsey: Kitchen Nightmares behaviour. This actually moves Tarzan to tears and he swears that their marriage has now been repaired. WTF?! (This comment prompts Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott to call the head of Channel 9 and lambast him on his blatant immoral propaganda). You’re in Samoa Tarzan, not San Francisco. Not realising that Troyzan no longer believes in his Misfit Alliance, Tarzan tells Troyzan, Leif, and Jonas that they should vote out Gassy Kat as she is smelly, icky, and a girl.
Well all that strategy talk really took the wind out of the contestants’ sails so they gather to do some laundry. As Christina boils the water in the communal pot (under the watchful eye of Kat and her firestarter), Tarzan explains to both Sabrina and Christina that after 20 days, it is time to wash his tiny blue briefs. Poop-gate erupts on Survivor. Despite his protests that the brown skidmarks concentrated on one side of his undies were just dirt, no-one else was buying it. Chelsea, who by now was clad in her bikini so that the perverted cameramen can take sly shots of her impressive cleavage, had been washing and scrubbing her denim hot pants. As she lowers them in the pot, Tarzan, in all his knowing social graces, dumps his underwear on top of her shorts. Chelsea freaks out and grabs the stick to fish out his pooey undies. She is not having a bar of Tarzan’s confusing words like microbes and boiling water (as she is a good Christian Southern girl, I can only assume she does not believe in science). She fishes her shorts out in disgust and tells Tarzan she is going off to puke. A pissed Chelsea tries to rally her Greek Gods and Goddesses to consider voting out “dead weight” Tarzan, instead of hard-working, good cook, and positive Jonas but it doesn’t look like she is getting through to the others. (Hello Chelsea? Wasn’t it your idea in the first place to vote out Jonas?) Commercial break. Looks like it is going to be a very predictable Tribal Council, right Delta? What’s that? Finale over two days? Thanks. Didn’t realise. New album coming out soon? Thanks again, Delta.
Tribal Council time and the contestants file past images of stuffed crocodiles as the drums beat ominously in the background. Jonas already looks pissed. He knows he’s toast. He immediately launches into a spirited defence of himself, asking outloud why the provider of the tribe is considered so threatening that he must go home first. He wonders why people would want to vote him out instead of Abs Mike, who is a greater threat for individual immunity. He then tells everyone else he is planning to vote out Abs Mike and they should be smart and follow him. This gets Tarzan all mad again. This time, he’s not angry, TV Tarzan-parody mad. He’s angry….and lucid. Tarzan just goes on a rant that would make Crazy Brandon Hantz proud. He starts spouting his adjectives with multiple syllables that poor Kat has to walk off camera to grab the nearest dictionary just to follow Tarzan’s meaning. Meanwhile, the rest of the tribe and the viewers at home are left scratching our heads in trying to follow Tarzan’s logic. He tells Dimples that he is disgusted at Jonas for trying to save his hide by blatantly throwing Mike under the bus, and for that reason, he is going to vote for Jonas. Puzzled? We all are. Isn’t this the same Tarzan that refused to say anything at the last three Tribal Councils because “the game is afoot?” Isn’t this the same Tarzan that demanded the tribe agree to Colton’s demand and give up immunity to vote out Bill? Isn’t this the same Tarzan that kissed and made-up with Jonas earlier in the day? Clearly having clean underwear that doesn’t chafe him has awakened the beast within.
Jonas tells Tarzan that they don’t have the numbers to vote out Kat so why is he getting so worked up at Jonas’s last-ditch effort to save his hide? He’s just playing the game. Like Delta said, “Not me, not I” – [whatever that means]. Kat is upset and asks what she has done to offend Tarzan. Tarzan tells her to shush up or he’ll make sure he’ll give her appendix-bad-thingy tonight. He denies that there was a plan to vote out Kat. Alicia, who is sitting between Jonas and Tarzan, tries to pipe up but for once she is shouted down at Tribal Council by someone other than Christina. Tarzan is just on a rampage, knowing that he has been caught out in a lie, backpedals by ranting and telling everyone that Jonas must go home tonight. Dimples is a bit stunned by the theatrics because this is the first Tribal Council where he has understood everything Tarzan has said (on account of finally being equipped with an earpiece so that the off-camera linguistics professor can translate all the big words Tarzan is using in simple American terms for him). Dimples wants to know why there is such animosity between him and Jonas. Apparently, like Whitney Houston (bless her crack-is-whack head) and Bobby Brown (bless his coke-head), they just disagreed a lot from day one and are now heading for a divorce. And Tarzan is going to write down Jonas’s name (in case everyone else in the tribe was partially deaf or not paying attention earlier).
There is an uncomfortable pause before Barbie Chelsea pipes up and defends Jonas saying everyone likes him as he is fun to be with and is a good provider but people have had issues with Tarzan. Sabrina, nodding furiously, concurs. Tarzan says that he knows he is not as likeable as Jonas. Dimples manages to catch the usually guarded and careful Moustache Kim in a weak moment when she confesses that “the beauty of a merge is that people like Jonas becomes a threat whilst people like Tarzan are an asset.” Translation, “I’d rather be sitting at the end with someone y’all hate so much that y’all will have no choice but to give me the million dollar cheque.” She may be in dire need of emergency electrolysis and a personality transplant, but damn is she not clued in to the actual realities of winning this game. Barbie Chelsea adds that there are people one would rather keep around the camp due to the likeability factor and assistance around camp life, and then there are dead weights. Way to be passive-aggressive girl. Meow. Unfortunately for her, Tarzan is lucid tonight. He says, “Do you mean me….Jenny?” – (okay maybe not 100% lucid tonight) – “Maybe?” a sheepish Jenny(?) responds, turning bright-red. Tarzan notes that after his blow-up, it might be him going home but he is going to vote for
Jason Jonas tonight (in case the rest of the tribe weren’t paying attention for the last hour).
With that, it is time to vote. We only see Jonas’s vote (Abs Mike), and Tarzan’s vote (
Asian, Jason, Jonas). Moustache and Old Abs don’t play their respective idols. Dimples read out the votes. Jonas, Mike, Michael (raised eyebrows from Jonas), Jonas, Jonas (grin from Tarzan), Jonas (laughs from Jonas as he shakes his head), Jonas, Jonas, and Jonas. With that Jonas gets up and walks over to Tarzan and extends his hand and tells him there are no hard feelings. Tarzan just spits back that there are hard feelings from his end. (Tarzan mad! Tarzan baby now!) Jonas tells him whatever and walks to Dimples who snuffs his torch. He turns around and laughs and wishes everyone the best of luck with the food situation. Jonas laughs all the way through his walk of shame and can barely utter his Final Words due to all his giggling – (clearly Stoner Bill left some of those potent coconut husks behind). Dimples points out to everyone that they just did a Colton and voted out Cougar Mommy Jonas, someone who was almost universally liked, was a provider, and was loyal.
So was the right person sent home strategically? Will poop-gate rear its smelly head again back at camp? Will Kat find out if she has been diagnosed with appendix-bad-thingy? Has Tarzan put in his divorce papers yet? Will Kim ever curse the day she postponed her appointment at the laser hair removal clinic? Will Leif ever have something interesting to say that is worth airing in any episode? Find out shortly as I busily type up the next recap of Survivor: Promos for Delta. OMG! Can’t believe The Voice is about to end.