Guest Post: Survivor: One World – Episode VIII: 7Ups and Milkshakes for y’all!
JStar has sent in another cracker recap:
Firstly, apologies on the lateness on this one. Jubilee celebrations hangover. Busy trying to get the next one done so y’all can have something to read if y’all bored over the weekend. Anyway, sweater vest is now on. Let’s do this! Previously on Survivor: Hoo Hoos vs Ha Has,
Jason Jonas was sent home on Night 20 and became the first member of the Tikiano jury after a heated tribal council whereby Tarzan regressed into a baboon, beat his chest as he bellowed and tossed faeces at everyone. Nasty.
It’s a chilly morning on Day 21 and, as per the ogling quotient mandated by the producers for each episode, Abs Jay and Old Abs Troyzan take a casual stroll to fetch the treemail sans shirt. Whilst revealing their impressive torsos to the native fauna in Samoa, they remind the viewers how the Greek Gods and Goddesses agreed to stick together and vote out the Village People, thereby giving the icky, smelly girls a numbers advantage. Dominatrixes around the world are heartbroken when really, really good-looking Jay reveals that he is not a fan of girls overpowering him.
The Abs duo approach the letterbox which is adorned with scary looking faux cattle skulls, the lower jaw of a random persona non-grata producer, and wooden stakes bound together by scary looking twine. Yes, twine. Scary. All that was missing were fake spider webs and a carved-out pumpkin. Anyway, inside the letterbox, the Abs duo whoop and holler when they find an empty bottle of Sprite with a love letter from Dimples. What’s that? Sorry, 7Up. Did I mention it was empty?
They return to camp where everyone awaits breathlessly for
Moses Tarzan Abs Jay to hear the message written on the stone tablet by god Dimples. Everyone knows that during an economic downturn, English Literature Majors are always the first to lose their jobs. Dimples has been forced to double as the designated wordsmith and show off his “clever” haikus in the treemail messages.
There’s a party on a hill would you like to come? (Yes).
Then bring this bottle of
Sprite 7Up. (Can’t afford it).
Then get stuff.
The following reward is proudly brought to you by 7Up: Refreshing goodness in a bottle. The tribemates are greeted by the Wet n Wild waterslide and a crate full of 7Up – it’s cool to be clear. Dimples informs them that they will be divided into two groups with the winners enjoying a barbeque of steak, hamburgers, lemon meringue pie, and a carbonated soda made from lemon and lime that is absolutely, 100% NOT called Sprite. Did I mention that the reward was going to be held at the 7Up Oasis, a popular tourist spot in Samoa according to the Lonely Planet Guide? Just in the off-chance the viewers missed the clever subtle product placement, we are treated to a totally non-rehearsed advertisement of all the tribemates faking orgasms as they sample the sweet, sweet, taste of refreshing 7Up. Now with 0% less sugar!
After dabbing themselves down and putting away their cigarettes, the tribemates do a schoolyard pick of their teams, which coincidentally matches the colours of the fruit flavours in this mysterious carbonated soda. The lime team consist of Abs Jay, Old Abs Troyzan, Gassy Kat, Barbie Chelsea, and “STFU Christina” Alicia. The lemon team consist of Abs Mike, The Bearded Lady, Smart Sabrina, “NYSTFU Alicia” Christina, and Little Leif. Tarzan was not picked (“Tarzan sulk on bench. No want play”). The goal was to slide down the waterslide and run out to the ocean to reel in a wooden crate. Upon the crate being returned to the respective wooden platform, the next member of the tribe will go down the slide to assist the first tribe member in reeling in the next crate, and so on until all five crates were on the platform. They then had to assemble the crates to form the correct pattern from the pictures painted on each side of the crates. It was clear, immediately, that the lime team had the physical advantage but as they also had Alicia and Chelsea on their team, they were bound to suck with the end game puzzle (see Episode 4 immunity challenge to relive that horror of those two dumping on decades of affirmative action with their sucky performance).
Highlights of this challenge included Alicia and Christina accidentally mooning as they came off the slide. (Although, the producers are so sexist as they insist on pixelating their rear ends yet make the rest of us suffer by letting us see Tarzan in his full-HD glory when he bends over). Leif pretty much does a reverse double-somersault dive face-first into the sand as he comes off the slide. The teams are neck-and-neck until the end when the lime team pulls ahead when retrieving the fifth crate. The lime team have a noticeable lead, helped by Christina’s own-goal performance by somehow not helping her lemon team-mates in carrying the last crate. [Clearly she doesn’t believe in Yellow Power]. Anyway, by the time the lemon team return with the fifth crate, the lime team was well on its way to solving the puzzle. But as predicted, both Alicia and Chelsea suck big time and are upset that they aren’t allowed to cheat with this puzzle. The lemon team, somehow, pull off a come-from-behind victory! They erupt with joy, with Leif leading the chant of “Barbeque, Barbeque!” Chelsea, ever the gracious loser, mutters that he should “Shut the f*ck up.” (Alicia immediately turns around and punches Barbie in the face for stealing her catchphrase).
Onto the 7Up Oasis, proudly brought to you by 7Up: The drink of winners. Kids, do you want to be a winner too? We see the five members of the winning lemon team gorge themselves stupid over hamburger, steak, and potato salad whilst holding bottles of 7Up in their hands. Amazingly, every time the camera zooms in on the contestants’ hands, the label on each bottle is perfectly turned to face the camera. OMG! What a coincidence. 7Up. Drink it. Scull it. Pimp it.
As Michael, Christina, and Leif gorge themselves as if they have not had a proper meal in three weeks, the lonely sound of a single acoustic guitar strums away in the background in the key of F-minor. Could this be a signal regarding a turn of events? OMG? What could it be? The guitar casually strums away as we see bikini-clad Kim give Sabrina her best come hither look and invites her to lie down next to her by the pool. [No way! This show has suddenly gotten quite interesting! Move aside coke, we have a new ice-breaker in town! 7Up: Connecting you in more ways than one!] Kim and Sabrina agree that they want a ménage-a-trois with Chelsea but they need to first get rid of the penises in the tribe, starting with the biggest of them all – Abs Mike. [Damn you producers! It’s a complete editing fake-out. Build up the tease with shots of scantily clad sirens talking about threesomes! And your esteem guest poster fell for it hook, line, and sinker. For shame! Although in my defence, there has been such a dearth of strategy this season that you can’t really blame me for misinterpreting the signs].
Anyway, it appears that Kim has made up her mind and is intent on reforming the Spice Girls in time for the London Olympics. She has ditched ABBA and put on her girl power socks. She knows the girls have a slight numbers advantage but need to keep Christina close by inviting her into their clique. If they stick together like Thelma and Louise, they might just end up being the new Black Widow Spice Brigade. First thing though, Moustache Spice and Scary Spice will have to dupe Old Abs
Penis Troyzan by spinning some sort of lie about how the Big Man of Campus, Abs Mike, is trying to shore up support in getting rid of Troyzan. If this works, Moustache Spice thinks it will be girl power all the way.
We cut back to the losing lime team, moping around the fire that Gassy Kat has tended to with her unique skills. Because the television is not working on account of Samoa having a different electrical socket than America, this group is forced to talk to each other. Chelsea suggest they talk about strategy and who the next vote should go to. We find out quickly why there has been zero strategy talk all season. They all suck. No whispering off into the sidelines. No discussing all options. We hear that Troyzan and Jay want to vote out an icky girl next – Christina. But Kat, Alicia, and Chelsea says the vote has to go to a penis next, specifically the biggest one on the island, Abs Mike. [Apparently one learns a lot more than one bargains for during forced spooning sessions in cramped sleeping quarters]. Abs Jay is privately worried if this vote goes this way as he is just as big as Abs Mike and is concerned that the Spice Girls may in fact be reuniting. But, hey, any concern can be washed away by the refreshing taste of 7Up right? Abs Mike thinks so. The winning lemon team arrive back and Kris Kringle Mike distributes this refreshing taste to all the losers, blissfully unaware that they were just plotting his castration.
Day 22 and we witness Samoa in all her rage. It had rained violently overnight and the wind had blown away some of the bamboo that was supporting the outside of the tribe’s shelter. The day looks miserable, the ocean waves look miserable, and all the tribemates look miserable. Abs Mike believes that it will soon begin to rain again and they have to patch up their shelter before the weather deteriorates further. [Further, he, Abs Jay, and Barbie Chelsea flatly refuses a directive from the off-camera producer to film the requisite “sexy-shots” quotient of them frolicking in the ocean to pad out the rest of this episode]. Turns out “They patching up their shelter” is interpreted as everyone will huddle around the fire in the shelter whilst Tarzan and Leif do all the work.
Every year, the producers of Survivor pour through thousands of psychological evaluations of potential contestants and choose certain people in the hope that starvation, dehydration, and lack of social-skills will make entertaining TV. They have lucked out in recent years with the likes of Shambo (seriously, who still has perms?) and Special Agent Phillip and those damn fuchsia y-fronts. This year, we have Tarzan. And he is the gift that won’t stop giving.
So it’s starting to rain outside and the bamboo supporting the outside walls of the shelter have been blown over. Because Gassy Spice Masala Kat did not get to refuel herself with a barbeque reward, her fire is on its last embers. So Tarzan takes it upon himself to find firewood. As Barbie Spice says, “they are surrounded by firewood.” Instead of maybe walking ten metres to find some branches blown over by the wind overnight, Tarzan picks up the bamboo lying next to the shelter and immediately begins to chop it into firewood. Leif explains to Tarzan that the bamboo was part of the wall of the shelter but Tarzan ignores him because everyone ignores little people in this world. Chelsea is livid with Tarzan and he knows it (because he is temporarily lucid at that very moment). She asks him why a random piece of bamboo would be lying against what used to be their outside wall of the shelter. “Because somebody cut it and laid it there,” was Tarzan’s response. [Yes, Tarzan. Can you explain why this “random” bamboo also had twine on it?] Tarzan mad now! Tarzan protest now! Tarzan no like Barbie Spice as she thinks he is stupid and is giving him attitude. Tarzan no stupid! Bamboo no part of wall! Tarzan tells Barbie Spice that, “He doesn’t mind it when people accuse him of something when he’s wrong, but he does mind it when he is being accused of something when he’s right.” [Um, Tarzan. Did you forget that last Tribal Council when you flipped out at
Jason Jonas for telling the truth that it was your idea to vote out Kat? Didn’t you say he was a liar when he wasn’t?] Tarzan, being a plastic surgeon and all, can sense that Chelsea doesn’t like him much. [Really Tarzan? You still didn’t get the freaking hint at the last Tribal Council when she called you dead wood?]
Normally, most people would leave it at that. But Tarzan is the gift that refuses to stop giving. He explains that he is the sort of person that must have the final word if he believes he has been unfairly maligned. [Oh, that explains the meltdown at the last Tribal Council]. So despite it being miserable outside, he drags Chelsea out for a private deep and meaningful with only a cameraman, a person holding the boom mike, and the off-camera producer watching. Tarzan, forgetting that he holds a medical degree and not a psychological degree, tells Barbie Spice that he senses she has some underlying deep-seated issue that is manifesting itself in her projecting her animosity on him. Tarzan knows the answer. He says that he got along very well with Coconuts Mommy Monica after the tribal swap. They were courteous and respected one another. He concludes that he suspects that Chelsea is not happy with her boob job and is therefore taking out her frustrations on him instead of writing a letter of complaint to the medical practitioners’ board. [Excuse me Tarzan? You did not just say that to Barbie now did you? Come again?] Tarzan continues and tells Chelsea that he knows that her milkshakes don’t bring all the boys to the yard and they’re like, not better than Mon’s. Damn right, not better than Mon’s. But he can fix them. But he has to charge. (From somewhere in the shelter, Bully Spice yells out to Barbie Spice to punch Tarzan in the face). Chelsea is stunned by Tarzan’s pronouncements on her milkshakes. How dare he….charge her for the corrective surgery after she has put up with him flashing his tan lines to everyone. Tarzan tells her that it is “Quid pro quo, Clarice.” “Chelsea,” she corrects him. “Right….Chell—See? Lifetime supply of Viagra and I’ll fix your milkshakes pro-bono.” Chelsea runs back to the camp to contemplate this offer. Almost every contestant who plays Survivor leaves the game by saying that it was a life-changing experience. Barbie Chelsea may be the first contestant to leave this game with a much more impressive rack than the already impressive one that she had when she first entered. On that score, Chelsea decides that she needs more time to think about Tarzan’s milkshake offer. Because of that, she says she needs to get rid of the biggest penis on the island because Tarzan’s is non-functional and useless.
Treemail time and Moustache Spice and Old Abs Troyzan go to fetch the mail at the SCARY letterbox. She takes this opportunity to tell Troyzan that Abs Mike was telling everyone at the reward that Troyzan is likely to win and will need to be taken out. Moustache Spice can barely suppress her giggle as she spins this story to Troyzan. But because Old Abs Troyzan is still miffed he wasn’t “big” enough to be part of the original Abs Four Alliance at the start of the game, his “ego” can’t see past Kim’s moustache and her failed attempt to stifle her laughter. He’s going to take Abs Mike down. Back at camp, the tribemates gather to read the next instalment of Dimple’s attempt at writing poetry.
It dip dog shit.
You are not it.
[Yup, it took him two days to come up with that gem.]
Immunity challenge time. It’s a two-parter. First part involves all the contestants moving a bag of puzzle from one end across something that resembled a miniature Harbour Bridge. The first four would then move on to the second phase, which was a puzzle round. Immediately, Dumb Spice, Bully Spice, and Barbie Spice know that they won’t be winning immunity today. So the challenge begins and the Abs duo of Jay and Mike shoot out to this huge lead. But somehow, Mike stuffs it up and Jay, Moustache Spice, Old Abs Troyzan, and Bully Spice win through. The second-phase involves a complicated puzzle which appeared to take the contestants two hours to complete. Dumb Kat even said it was too hard for her. [Preaching to the choir, sister]. In the end, Jay proves he is not just a pretty face with a smoking body as he comes from behind to win immunity.
Back at camp, Operation: Eliminate Penises begin. Moustache Spice weaves magic to put all the chess pieces into place. She is smart enough to use the spite of Old Abs to get him to be the key vote to take out the Big Man on Campus. Her biggest concern is Abs Jay as he is not just the pretty face that she (and the rest of us) thought he was. Moustache Spice wants a penis gone tonight but is still prepared to vote out Christina to keep the illusion of the Greek Gods tribe together. Scary music starts again as a rat appears on screen. What does that mean? Barbie Spice, Bully Spice, and Christina are sitting in the shelter with Abs Jay, and Chelsea whispers to him that Abs Mike has to go home tonight. Abs Jay tells her he is not down with that vote as he is scared of the icky, smelly, yucky girls from taking over the rest of the game. What is stopping them from voting him off next? Barbie Spice “reassures” Jay by saying, “That it was not necessarily true” that the next vote will be him. Jay asks her what she means and there is dead silence. No eye contact. Bully Spice and Christina are busy staring at the floor too. A very awkward silence. Now where was Kat when you need her so she can expel a fart to break this tension?
Cue a shot of a crab running back into the crevice of its rock shelter. What is this symbolism we are supposed to decipher on our own? Is someone about to do a backflip? Barbie Spice, Scary Spice, Gassy Spice, and Moustache Spice are gathered together to discuss how Jay suspects that the women are all about to go all Thelma and Louise on the guys. Moustache Spice freaks out when she spies Abs Jay and Abs Mike running off together into the bushes. [They’re just going to pee together. Guys do that. So paranoid!]. So she sprints over to where they are as Jay is about to blurt out to Mike about that awkward conversation he had with Barbie Chelsea. Moustache Spice interrupts and tells them to vote out Christina. Kim actually steers the conversation towards her terms and says Christina is next to go, followed by Leif and Tarzan. She convinces the guys that it is the Greek Gods till the end and that the Village People will be plucked off, one by one – much like her moustache if Dimples could ever be so kind in giving her some tweezers at the next reward challenge.
Abs Mike is down with voting off Christina but then breaks the cardinal rule of Survivor confessionals. Much like action films and horror movies, you should never, ever, in any circumstance, declare that you are about to meet your much loved significant other the next day. Because if you do that, you WILL die. Rule # 4 of Survivor, “Never say you’re safe.” Rule # 5 of Survivor. “Never say you love blindsides.” Abs Mike broke those two rules. Guess who is going to get a big surprise tonight? I am not even buying the editing fake-out showing Moustache Spice, Barbie Spice, and Dumb Gassy Spice saying that they might just vote out Christina tonight just to placate the Penises. Abs Mike is screwed.
Tribal Council time. Jonas struts in grinning like a mad man. Everyone but Tarzan is pleased to see him. Dimples is now in his home environment and does not have to struggle like his attempts at writing “poetry.” First question, “Who feels unsafe tonight?” No one raises his/her hand. Old Abs Troyzan even admits he didn’t bring his knapsack – that’s how confident he is that the vote is not him tonight. Both Abs Mike and Christina feel safe tonight. (Tut, tut. Broke Rule # 4). For the second straight Tribal Council, the usually careful Moustache Kim says more than she should. Kim said that it appears there are people who think they are part of an alliance when they aren’t. They all had their initial alliances but had a chance to form relationships with others after the tribal swap. Although it is wise to keep options open, it is better to know when to stick with the plan, too.” [Smart players like Evil Russell and the Yau Man would have immediately picked up on this and played the immunity idol].
Barbie Spice agrees with the bearded one and practically announces that it is smart to align with two or three different groups to see which one best plays out for you. [Hmm…Chelsea. You have your Spice Girls Alliance. ABBA Alliance. And Greek Gods and Goddesses Alliance]. Jay is starting to look a bit concerned. To make him feel even more paranoid, Dimples asks Alicia to explain. She agrees that it is tough to keep track of everyone so she just beats them into submission by bullying them. Also, she and Kat do a bad job of keeping a straight face when Alicia says it will take “a couple of tribal councils” to sort out who is being loyal to who. [Sure, Mike is screwed and Jay is looking more concerned]. This is the first Tribal Council that Dimples can ask a question to Christina without Bully Spice interrupting her to tell her to STFU. Dimples points out to Christina that the women have the slight majority so is the vote going to go down gender lines? Unfortunately, Tarzan has been taking Tribal Council etiquette lessons from Bully Spice so he interrupts Christina to have another TARZAN MOMENT at Tribal Council.
Fresh off throwing faeces at everyone at the last Tribal Council, everyone is worried about what Tarzan is about to say. Will he use words that Kat can understand? Will he out his secrets on creating the perfect milkshake? Tarzan tells Dimples that all the Survivors are playing him tonight. He then proceeds to put everything out in the open and Kim and Troyzan do not look happy. He says that if there really was a strong initial alliance coming in tonight, no one would be giving “wishy-washy” answers. The fact that they all are is because they all know that this vote is important and will determine how this game is played out. Someone will be blindsided tonight and they don’t want to tip him off and hence the non-answers Dimples is getting is due to the fact that “the game is afoot.” He tells Dimples that he is being played. Nervous laughter all round. Dimples proceeds to ask the dumbest person on the tribe about how he is being played. Kat tells her that when Tarzan goes on his “rantics” she does not know what has hit her. She does not know if she should laugh or cry because she can’t understand any words that are longer than three syllables. She curls up in foetal positions at night after Tarzan strings three adjectives in a sentence when talking to her. Dimples ends the inquisition by giving Abs Mike a very long piece of rope to hang himself with. Abs Mike again breaks Rule # 4 by saying he feels safe and comfortable tonight in his alliance. He is an honest person – [but somehow he forgets that doesn’t mean everyone else is honest to him. Dude! Look around you! Sabrina and Jay did not give you any eye contact as you were talking].
It is time to vote and Tarzan is the first to vote. He pretty much hobbles towards the voting booth but not because he is old and has bad knees, it’s because he no longer has clean underwear on and it is chafing him in places that the audience has seen over, and over again. No votes are revealed by the editors. No surprises that Moustache Spice and Old Abs Troyzan don’t play their hidden immunity idols. Dimples reads out the votes: Christina, Christina (rolled eyes from her), Tarzan, Tarzan (no reaction from him), Mike (music suddenly changes and gets louder – Dude. You broke Rule # 4!!), Mike (he’s starting to look worried), Mike (looks over to Troyzan who looks away), Mike (looks over to his peeing buddy who continues to stare straight ahead), and Mike. Jonas is stunned by the turn of events. Mike gets up quietly to get his torch snuffed and then heads off for his walk of shame. In his Final Words, he says he thought he could trust the women but clearly they felt threatened by
his penis him. Dimples points out that three people got votes tonight, but us viewers can tell that Christina and Tarzan were clearly in all this blindside and did not react to those votes. We are shown a preview of the next episode of the men trying to fight back against the women majority. Too little, too late?
So was the right
penis person sent home? Will Kat be taken on a reward to refuel her lighter? Will Tarzan regale us with his best recipe in making the perfect milkshake? Will Leif be allowed any confessionals that are worth showing on television? Who will be the next idiot to break Rules 4 and 5? Find out all this on the next instalment of Survivor: Sayonara Penis Balance.