Guest Post: Survivor: One World – Beware Of The Power Of The Fembots
Firstly sorry Jason you sent it in Sunday and I thought I would put it up first thing Monday morning and promptly forgot.
Anyway it will get fans excited for tonight’s episode. Over to you:
Too much MasterChef, not enough Survivor love. Hoping to correct my viewing habits starting with this first belated recap.
Previously on Survivor, Operation: Eliminate Penises began its midnight run and took down the biggest
penis threat of them all in a raid that would make any Navy Seal on a mission to hunt Bin Laden proud. Abs Mike was blindsided on Night 22, leaving the Spice Girls in total control and threatening to reunite for a musical based on songs they “wrote” and “sang.” [Shudder!]. The one known as Kim, assumed the mantle of leader of these Spice Girls. She did it so stealthily through a combination of her bland personality and hypnotic Bette Davis Brows that none of the men saw it coming. Too bad for them as it is now bye-bye to Penis Balance and hello to these Sirens: Who runs One World (Girls).
Day 23 and Abs Jay wakes up and tells the girls that he had a dream last night that he was shot. Scary Spice laughs off Jay’s pathetic attempts of instilling fear in her because after all, Sabrina IS a high-school teacher in a PUBLIC school in America. All the other Spice Girls give each other knowing looks. They know they don’t need guns out in Samoa when a machete is good enough to castrate Abs Jay when they decide to end his time on this island.
Elsewhere, Tarzan is outside having a D&M with Old Abs Troyzan. Tarzan had woken up on the right side of the bed this morning and he is very lucid and reflective. He points out to Troyzan that they let the women now gain the controlling vote as the men weren’t united. Old Abs Troyzan laughs off the logic of this feeble geriatric. [And to be fair, Tarzan does spend at least 60% of his time as an eccentric and socially-inept weirdo in blue briefs, albeit one with a penchant for a big vocabulary and an even bigger love of milkshakes.] Troyzan tells Tarzan that he never considered Abs Mike as one of the guys he was seriously interested in having an alliance and anyway, they just need to find a hidden immunity idol and take out the Bearded Lady, Milkshake Barbie, or Scary Spice if they sense something fishy. This statement alone demonstrates that Troyzan is a complete idiot. For all of Tarzan’s made-for-tv moments during every Tribal Council meltdown, he (unlike Troyzan) definitely heard what Kim and Chelsea meant the previous night; that the vote in blindsiding Michael would change the course of the game in favour of the women. Troyzan’s ego is so far up his rear end that he is too stupid to see that Kim played him like a fiddle to vote out Michael – thus proving Tarzan’s point that the men were blinded by ego and not united. Troyzan confesses to us viewers that he has kept the knowledge of the hidden immunity idol from his other tribemates. Currently, they are safely stowed away next to his crotch (as per Rule 104, paragraph 5(g) of the Survivor Manual that states, “All Survivors on One World who finds a hidden immunity idol must hide the idol next to either his ha ha or her hoo hoo.”
Treemail time and all the tribemates wearily trudge over to the SCARY letterbox to collect another love letter from Dimples.
“Hey Biatches! I felt my forehead move last night at Tribal so I’m off to the capital to get an emergency botox injection. Take everything you find back to your campsite and don’t wreck anything as we plan to flog off the memorabilia on e-Bay later tonight. Later Biatches! XOXO, Gossip Girl.”
The do-it-yourself reward challenge involved throwing slings towards a pole that resembled a wooden hills hoist. Points are scored if the sling wraps around the arms of this hills hoist with points available from 1 through to 5 for each successful throw. The props all looked cobbled together and were not up to the usual professional standards of normal challenges. I guess you get what you pay for when you insist on using local child sweat-shop labour to make your props.
The teams are randomly divided into two teams through the drawing of rocks. The red team consisted of four guys (Abs Jay, Old Abs Troyzan, Poopy No-Abs Tarzan, Wharfie-mouth Alicia) and Gassy Spice. The black team consisted of four girls (The Bearded Lady, Scary Spice, Milkshake Barbie, and no-nickname Christina) and Little Leif. The winners would be taken on a boat ride to a secluded island with only a score of cameramen following them. There, they would feast on yet another barbeque. The highlights of this challenge included…..nothing! Given that Dimples could not be bothered fronting up today, the contestants return the contempt by giving their best listless performance in this boring challenge. Troyzan, naturally, nominated himself to be the new Dimples – (ego anyone?). 7 out of the 10 contestants don’t even score a point. Despite it being the most non-physical challenge thus far, Tarzan insists on stripping down to those damn blue briefs just to compete. [I tell you, recapping these episodes have taken a major toll with my health!] The red team win by a score of 6 to 1 (with Tarzan being the top scorer with four).
The winners are taken on a boat ride, steered by a local native who was seduced by a shiny American penny to take part in this farce of a paid advertisement for American Alcohol – (the other AA). We are treated to shots of the guys sampling a concoction of rum, vodka, and coconuts. Arriving at their secluded island, most of the red team pour into the makeshift bar to continue drinking as the unpaid help prepare the barbeque. Abs Jay and Gassy Kat are the only two soaking in the sun on the beach, waiting for the feast to be cooked, and Jay takes this opportunity to voice his disappointment that the girls made him vote out his peeing buddy the night before. He asks Kat if the plan is to still send the Village People Tribe home. [Clearly Jay was not paying any attention at the last Tribal Council.] Gassy Spice reassures him, all the while not giving him any direct eye contact. Abs Jay confesses that he isn’t too convinced by Kat and he believes that there may be some blindsides coming up. He hopes it isn’t him. [Dude! Did you not read my last post? Just like the skankiest girl and the dumbest jock in an American horror flick is guaranteed to meet an untimely end before the 30-minute mark, Survivor contestants must NEVER EVER tell the camera that he/she hopes not to be blindsided because it will happen! Dude! Rule # 3! You just broke it! Abs Jay, you’re going home next!]
Day 24, and the Spice Girls have gathered together to fill the pre-requisite quota of sexy shots for this episode as Kim, Chelsea, Alicia, and Kat lie around sexily in their bikinis around an upturned canoe (that once housed seafaring adventurers until they were lured to their deaths by the call of these Sirens). The Bearded Lady is quietly pleased that she helped orchestrate the castration of Mike. She is now planning her next hit with Chelsea: either Troyzan or Jay. Chelsea is feeling guilty as she gave Jay and Troy her word that she would take them to the end. She is struggling and says she can’t be a complete bitch 24/7 like Bully Spice. Being a teacher in real life, Alicia offers Chelsea a crash-course on Bitch 101. Elsewhere, Gassy and Scary Spice privately voice their concern that Milkshake Spice may single-handedly prevent these girls from running One World. So despite Tarzan’s warning that they have given the women the voting advantage, were the men within earshot of all this overt scheming? Nope! These Sirens have these dumb ass men wrapped around their fingers that they can openly scheme about the next castration without fear of the men wising up.
So where were the men? Well Abs Jay is sitting down with Old Abs Troyzan, somewhere on the other side of the island, and telling him that they need to get back to the original plan on voting the Village People out – with Alicia being the next target. Jay confesses that he is stringing Troyzan along because he noticed that his sexy smile and smoking hot body doesn’t quite have the same effect over Troyzan as it does (apparently) on Kim and Chelsea. And apparently also on Kat as Jay later tells her that he wants Alicia gone next. Sensing that Jay may be using his good looks to sway gullible Kat to the Abs Side, Scary Spice, The Bearded Lady, and Milkshake Barbie zone in and surround Jay, thrusting their evil bosoms in his face. [Dude! It’s like a solar eclipse; look away now or else it will fry your brains! Dammit! Too late!] The evil plans of these Fembots worked as Jay is reduced to a simpering puppy dog. When he somehow manages to tell them of his plan to vote out Alicia, they just smile and bat their eyelids and giggle like naughty Japanese schoolgirls. That seals the deal. Jay is convinced – (Dude! Your brain is upstairs, not downstairs!) Chelsea is still torn. She doesn’t want to send home the last remaining eye-candy just when there is two weeks left of this game to go. She needs her daily fix of sugary treats to get her through the day. Who can she now ogle at if Jay is given the chop?
Day 25, and the scary drum beats start again? [WTF?! We’re only halfway through the episode and we have scary drum beats? Something is up. I can just
feel hear it! Oh look! A shot of birds struggling to fly against the wind. Is that some sort of metaphor about swimming against the tide?] The Bearded One and the Bully are washing coconuts in the water, which gives the green light to the cameramen to enact “Coconut Cam” – which basically means the following 45-second scene is viewed solely from the cleavage of Alicia. The Bearded One tells Alicia how she totally played Jay yesterday in agreeing to vote out Alicia but that is not going to happen. So the Bully will have to, for once at Tribal Council, just keep her mouth shut and not spill the beans. Whoever doesn’t win immunity between Jay and Troyzan will be castrated.
Meanwhile, back at the ego that is known as Troyzan, he has had a profound vision overnight from Yoda Tarzan. He is now suspecting that maybe Yoda was correct and his trust of the Greek Goddesses may not be as strong as he originally believed it was. His paranoia is fuelled after watching the scene between Kim and Alicia unfold via Coconut Cam. After fetching Dimples’s latest love letter from the SCARY letterbox, he tells Jay that he suspects the women may be making a move to take out the penises on the island. Because of that, he needs to win immunity and won’t be tempted by any offers of food from Dimples at the next challenge. Jay tells Troyzan to stop being paranoid because the girls promised they would vote out Bully Spice next. Back at camp, Jay proceeds to read out the latest poem from Dimples but is distracted by the sight of Tarzan sashaying around in Cougar Mommy’s skin-tight red top in an ode to the musical Victor/Victoria. This sight was even more disturbing than anything filmed in The Silence of the Lambs. All the other contestants rush off to the ocean to scrub their eyes out with the shells of hermit crabs.
Immunity Challenge time and Dimples is back. The challenge is a classic one. Each contestant has to stand on a perch with one arm raised and tied to the giant bucket of water above him/her. If the arm drops, water will tip down and the cameramen will hope to get some wet bikini sexy-shots from Milkshake Barbie to use as promos for the show. And since Dimples technically should not be out in the sun until the botox had time to smooth out every crevice in his forehead, he wants to speed up the challenge by tempting the contestants with food.
Challenge begins and immediately Tarzan is out, quickly followed by Christina. No surprises there. Being a nation of fatties, Jeff immediately begins to tempt the contestants with food that brings nightmares to diabetics around the world. Immediately, Scary Spice, Gassy Spice, and the Bearded Lady step off to enjoy cookies and cupcakes. Bully Spice tells everyone that she can win but because Chelsea really, really wants to win, she’ll gladly let her be the sole woman to stop the guys from winning immunity. [So much for keeping the vote at Tribal Council secret Alicia!] With that, Alicia steps off for a bowl of chocolate. 45 minutes past and Chelsea wavers on her perch, which brings out anguished looks from the women. But she recovers, unlike Troyzan who stumbles and falls out of the challenge. (Cheers from Chelsea and a huge grin from Kim). Jay (whose brain has been fried after the solar eclipse bosoms episode earlier) steps down for chicken wings and beer. Jeff brings out the hamburgers. Finally, Chelsea puts in practice one of Bully Spice’s lessons from Bitch 101. She tells Leif that if he steps down for the burgers, he won’t be viewed as a threat and will put him in good stead. (This raises eyebrows from Troyzan). Leif isn’t too convinced so Chelsea tells him to look at her bosoms as she repeats that he won’t be seen as a threat (by the women). Chalk up another win for bosom power. Leif steps off and Chelsea wins immunity. Leif shares his hamburgers with Barbie as nothing is paired better in American cuisine than hamburgers and milkshakes.
Back at camp, the Spice Girls go to work in deciding who should go home next. Chelsea points out that Jay stepped down for food but Troyzan didn’t. Therefore Troyzan wants to win so badly, he is the bigger threat. After the all-day intensive “How to be a heartless bitch whilst winning a million dollars” lessons from Alicia yesterday, Chelsea is now ready to castrate the men with her heart of stone. The Bearded Lady is pleased that she has convinced the guys that she is not a physical threat given that she stepped off her perch for food. She reconvenes the Sirens for an emergency meeting regarding Phase Two of Operation: Eliminate Penises. Troyzan will go home tonight but in case he pulls an idol, the votes will be split with between him and Jay. Troyzan walks past and notices the Sirens whispering and that fuels his paranoia. He asks Kim if she is planning to blindside him tonight because the women have the numbers if they banded together – [Dude! Has that thought only JUST crossed your mind?] Kim panics as Milkshake Barbie isn’t anywhere nearby to unleash her hypnotic bosoms on Troyzan. So instead she tries to act all Japanese schoolgirl by giggling and repeatedly telling Troyzan that he is safe. However because Troyzan can’t see past her hairy lip and bushy brows to see the coquettish schoolgirl within, he suspects that he is being played. He runs out to a clearing to collect his hidden immunity idol and he tells Jay that he thinks The Bearded One and Milkshake Barbie have reneged on the ABBA Alliance and are planning to take him (Troyzan) out. Hypnotised Jay thinks Troyzan is being paranoid because all the girls’ bosoms told him that they would vote out Alicia. Being the only man currently immune from the power of these Fembots, Troyzan correctly points out to Jay that the women would never tell him that they were planning to blindside him. He is going to get Tarzan and Christina to vote out Kim and he wants Jay to do the same.
Troyzan rushes back to camp and approaches Victor/Victoria and tells him to get Christina. Troyzan then drops his pants and reveals to both of them where he has kept his idol all along. (Thankfully, this was censored as this is still a family show). He tells the two of them to vote Kim out tonight as he is playing the idol.
The play from Troyzan was smart except he did not count on the fact that Jay had already been seduced by the call of the Sirens. Jay runs over to Kim to ask her if she was planning to blindside Troyzan tonight. Without the bosom power of Milkshake Barbie to overwhelm Jay again, Kim gives a feeble attempt at lying to Jay. This raises alarm bells with Jay until he stares intently into Bette Davis’s Brows and is once again reduced to a simpering puppy dog. He blabs everything. He tells her that Troyzan is planning to use his idol and is frantically recruiting others to blindside her tonight. They need to stick with the plan to vote out Bully Spice, so as to flush out the idol, and then vote Troyzan’s ass out the next time. Kim is panicking as they have to leave for Tribal Council soon and she only has a small window to approach the rest of the Spice Girls to come up with a new plan.
Tribal Council time. Both Jonas and a now clean-shaven Mike walk in grinning, with everyone (except for Troyzan and Victor/Victoria) happy to see them. Because Dimples is now wearing his favourite navy-blue shirt, he is in the zone and is not going to make things easy for the contestants tonight. He points out the obvious that two men were voted out at the last two Tribal Councils. Troyzan confesses he initially thought it was a “coincidence” but now suspects that it is still Hoo Hoos vs Ha Has. Tarzan tells Dimples that the men lost their way through ego; they weren’t united, unlike the women who stuck together because they are smarter. (Touché!) Jay agrees and says he doesn’t feel so safe tonight after all the last-minute scrambling. [This proves that Chelsea’s milkshakes are indeed defective, as Tarzan previously pointed out, as the hypnotic hold of those bosoms should have overpowered Jay for at least 48 hours]. Dimples cuts to the chase and asks who does not feel safe tonight. Only Kim, Jay, and Troyzan raise his/her hand – [Troyzan notices that Alicia doesn’t raise hers, and he is not happy]. Kim confesses that she only felt unsafe after the immunity challenge due to the paranoia raised in camp. Troyzan confessed that he only became paranoid at the Immunity Challenge when the girls all stepped off for food and then cheered when he faltered. Chelsea quickly tries to explain that it is just paranoia and for her to combat the paranoia from the men, she just waves her bosoms in their faces to convince them to trust her. [Unfortunately for Barbie, she is sitting in front of both Jay and Troyzan at Tribal Council so her evil and hypnotic bosom powers won’t work any last minute magic tonight]. Talk then moves on to the hidden immunity idol and Alicia points out that she watches everyone like a hawk back at camp – (Duh! She’s a bully! She needs to know when people are alone and at the most vulnerable so she can beat them up for their lunch money!). Alicia points out that she has been watching to see who brings bags to Tribal Council and who doesn’t; who seems more happy to see her than usual when parading in his underwear in the morning; and who wears what to Tribal Council. With that, she points out that Troyzan is wearing different shorts than normal – his cargo shorts with many pockets sewn in. Finally, as it is customary to have Tarzan have the last word at Tribal Council, he points out that after tonight’s vote, a power-house alliance will be taken to the end. He shan’t say who as “the game is afoot.” – [The fact that Tarzan was not worried that he may be targeted tonight makes me think he isn’t going to go along with Troyzan’s plan. He seems unusually smug tonight AND lucid as he knows everyone’s name!]
With that, it is time to vote. Once again Tarzan lumbers up to the voting booth (but not on account to his creaky knees – his laundry hasn’t dried and Monica’s clothing doesn’t fit him in all the right places). We only see Jay’s vote (Bully Spice), Troyzan’s vote (Five O’clock Shadow), and Kat’s (Troy). Before reading out the vote, Dimples asks if anyone wants to play the hidden immunity idol. EVERYONE looks at Troyzan – (guess it wasn’t such a secret anymore was it?). He steps up and Milkshake Barbie can barely stifle her laughter.
Jason Jonas cheers from the sidelines. Troyzan whips the idol out of his crotch and tells people he ain’t joining the likes of Hall-of-Shamer James (2 idols in his pocket in Survivor: China). He hands over the idol to Dimples who immediately screams and flicks it into the fire. He has just seen where the idol has been! Yuck! He tells everyone that it is a genuine idol as the medics rush over to disinfect his hand with an alcohol wash.
Time to read out the votes. First vote, Troy (does not count – as Jonas gives him the thumbs up from the jury bleachers). Second vote (Troy – does not count). Third vote (Five O’clock Shadow). Fourth vote (Jay – looks a bit worried). Fifth vote (Alicia – rolls eyes). Sixth vote (Jay – looks worried now. Troyzan just glares at The Bearded Lady). Seventh vote (Alicia – she practically stifles a yawn). Eighth vote (Jay – he’s not happy now and neither are the female demographics watching at home!). Ninth vote (Jay) and with that, Abs Jay is
blindsided castrated and becomes the third member of the jury. He looks pissed and does not say a word to anyone as he walks off. There is dead silence at Tribal Council as all the girls look guilty, whilst women and gay men across the world log onto the internet to find Jay’s underwear modelling portfolio to console their broken hearts. In his Final Words, Jay is quite philosophical of the way the vote went and congratulating the Spice Girls in orchestrating his downfall. Only Leif joined Jay in voting out Alicia. Tarzan voted for Jay, confirming my suspicions with his cryptic message at Tribal Council that he is the newest member of the Spice Girls – Old Spice.
We get a glimpse of the next episode where Troyzan says he won’t go down with a fight. Yeah, fighting words from a dead man walking. So who will be voted out next? Will Leif finally get some screen time? Will Christina get her own Spice Girls nickname? Will Kim return the eyebrows she borrowed from Wade on MasterChef? Will Milkshake Barbie discover a new Fembot superpower? Will Victor/Victoria win the evening gown section of the Survivor Beauty Pageant? Find out more on the next riveting instalment of Survivor: Girls Gone Wild.