Guest Post: Survivor: One World – Episode X: Who Runs One World? (Girls!)
JStar has written another recap – over to you:
As the Olympics come closer, Channel 9 does all procrastinating guest posters a big disservice in scheduling multiple episodes of Survivor. In the world wide web, everyone knows who is tardy. Sorry guys! Typing like a bandit now.
Previously on the Discovery Channel, after finishing mating, the female black widow spider leans over and stares at her male mate sleeping soundly on her web. She opens her mouth and sinks her ice pick-like fangs into the male and devours the poor creature. And thus, the end of the circle of life will inevitably play out for all males on Survivor: Basic Instinct.
Night 25, the Tikiano Tribe return after sending really, really good-looking Jay home. Troyzan is confused how the women knew he had an immunity idol hidden down his crotch. Scary Spice tells him that it was basic arithmetic. Abs Mike and Abs Jay wore size 14 shoes. Old Abs Troyzan wears size 6. As a high school teacher, she just did the maths and realised that it had to be more than just happiness that greeted her in the evening as she hugged Troyzan prior to Tribal Council.
Ego bruised, Troyzan goes on a rant around Gassy Kat’s campfire. He just launches into a Tarzan-like tantrum and gives everyone a spray. He castigates Christina for being stupid in not voting with him to get rid of The Bearded Lady. He (correctly) points out that she doesn’t even have a Spice Girls moniker so why would she not change her position in the game? Uncomfortable silence as Christina thinks through the logic of Troyzan’s statement. And then, seriously, a WTF moment! Bully Spice tells Troyzan to stop haranguing Christina (because only she can bully Christina on this island). Troyzan then hurls abuse at Alicia – [FINALLY! Congrats!] – and tells her to STFU. Alicia (typically) responds by telling him to NYSTFU! A lot of hot air and finger-pointing continue as Scary Spice fails to diffuse the situation. Off-camera producer was called in to remove Troyzan where he continues huffing and puffing in his confessional, saying that he’ll win every upcoming immunity challenge until he can blow his whole tribe’s house down.
Morning of Day 26 and the viewers are jolted by staccato editing of footage of ants attacking a lone scorpion with angry voices of savages overlaying the soundtrack. [Oh oh. I think we’re going to have yet another
Tarzan Troyzan BABY moment.] Sure enough, Troyzan is still pissed. He angrily confronts Milkshake Spice to plead his case that he deserves to be here more than other people. Chelsea tells him that he should just get over it as it is a game. She said Jonas deserved to be in the game more than him and took his vote well and acted like a man. Troyzan should just man up. For once Troyzan agrees with Chelsea. He’ll act like a man….a bitter and divorced man railing against the injustice of the world that has just left him childless and penniless. Old Abs Troyzan, your next president of the Boo Hoo Club.
Treemail time and the tribe gather in anticipation to hear the next brilliant riddle/poem/haiku that Dimples spent the previous night trying to perfect.
Jingle bells, Batman smells
Robin flew away.
Wonder Woman loss her bra
Flying on T-A-A…AY!
Reward time and it is the traditional Survivor Auction. Contestants are provided with a wallet full of $500 American pesos where they can bid on items that were passed in on e-Bay as the sellers had poor feedback ratings. Dimples explains the rules: no sharing, no pooling of money, and bidding goes up increments of $20. Immediate lowlights of this challenge included Dumb Spice not understanding that she had to bid in increments of twenty – (“I bid $23”) – as well as not knowing that a BLT sandwich included bacon. Immediate highlights included The Bearded Lady bidding $40 for a shower. Sexy shots of her undressing (albeit behind the opaque shower screen) and lathering her hair will be used for the promos next week. Lowlight was that Dimples refused to throw in some emergency electrolysis for Kim for an extra $200. However, this is redeemed by the sight of Kim’s towel somehow managing to defy the conventions of gravity. Running out of the shower to collect her next prize, she somehow maintains her modesty despite simultaneously collecting a bowl of chocolate dipped in peanut butter fudge in one hand and paying Dimples $240 with her other hand. Even a towel knows how to keep moral crusaders in check!
Now comes the emotional manipulation moment. Letters from loved ones. Immediately Bully Spice bursts into tears and bids all her money – $500. She tearily tells everyone that her father has never written her a letter before so to mark this occasion, she reads out loud his heartfelt and personal message where he tells her “That with great power comes even greater bullying responsibility. Use your fists wisely, young Jedi.” Tears all round with the profundity of those words. Tarzan is in tears as Dimples announces he has more letters from loved ones but the price has been set at $500. Tarzan is currently broke after making a deal with Chelsea to fix her milkshakes “quid pro quo” on the understanding that he is to be the last penis standing in the tribe. He needed the $500 to fix his car. But the stirring violins in the background convince him to pay for a letter from his beloved wife. Tarzan at least had the decency to refuse to read the letter out loud. [To all future contestants on Survivor, NEVER bid for love letters on this show as if you survive a couple more days, you’ll probably end up seeing them in an even more emotionally manipulative family reunion challenge].
Troyzan is now emotional as he realises he is alone and that the Spice Girls (featuring backup vocals from Christina and Old Spice) want him gone. But those crocodile tears vanish the moment Dimples announces the next item would include an advantage in the upcoming immunity challenge. Immediately, Troyzan bids. The other women cajole Christina (who had yet to bid on anything thus far) to try and outbid Troyzan. Christina could have bid $500 to end the auction but even with an advantage, it would have been wasted on her after her consistently sucky performances in all challenges in this game. Troyzan wins the bid and slams his fist on the auction table. He then launches into another FU tirade against the women, pointing out how they pressured Christina to bid for an item she didn’t want. Sabrina gets a bit snarky and sarcastically congratulates Troyzan on his win (“but she’ll vote his ass off next chance anyway”). Bidding ends with Kat winning a cake for everyone to share.
Back at camp, we are greeted to soaring and triumphant music that sounds suspiciously like someone stole the riff from “Eye of the Tiger.” [Oooh….will the underdog triumph? Surely an American reality television show would not be so blatant in bashing the viewers head with this point now, would it?] Milkshake Spice is bemoaning that Christina didn’t outbid Troyzan for the immunity challenge advantage. Elsewhere on the beach, Troyzan reads his advantage out to the cameraman, telling him that the advantage will allow him to go straight to the second round of the challenge where he has a one in four shot of winning. Troyzan decides he will completely Mind-F the women by openly looking for another hidden immunity idol. This pisses the producers off endlessly as the women had gathered around the campfire in their bikinis to partake in a sexy shot montage whereby they give each sensual massages. Seeing what Troyzan was up to, they have to interrupt the montage to stalk Troyzan as he looks under every cranny and nook to find the trail of discarded cigarette butts that leads to the idol. No luck, but he stuffs another rock down his crotch in an attempt to fool the women. Kim, in her confessional (looking much better with her Pantene hair) is freaking out that Old Abs may win immunity and has a hidden immunity idol as insurance.
Day 27 and it is Immunity Challenge time. Knowing that he has not been getting enough screen time, Leif turns up to the challenge decked in Braveheart make-up. [Yes Leif, I can see you. Too bad you’re still not allowed to say anything worthwhile to the camera.] The challenge today is split into three parts, recycling aspects of previous challenges. First round involved untying a bundle of rope to get the hidden ring. Not the most physically demanding challenge but seriously, there is something wrong with the degree of difficulty in a challenge when both Old Spice and Christina end up progressing to the next round. Tarzan celebrates by doing his Tarzan bellow on the mat – which is immediately followed by shots of confused monkeys in the jungle wondering what animal made that tortuous mating call. The Bearded Lady joins the others in the second round.
The next round rehashes the bouncing coconuts game that was used in the reward challenge in Episode 6. Contestants had to smash targets using coconuts they bounced off a spring net. Tarzan, being a plastic surgeon and intimately acquainted with coconuts, has the distinct advantage. Christina sucked so badly the last time she did this challenge, the viewers know it is essentially a three-horse race. Challenge starts and despite needing the assistance of an escalator to “climb” over the stacks of boxes, Tarzan immediately shows he knows how to bounce his coconuts. In no time, he has smashed two targets. Troyzan was getting no love from the other contestants as they remain silent whenever he smashed a target. Old Abs smashed his last target and became the first person through. He then endears himself to his tribe by yelling and pointing his finger at the women and telling them they cannot beat him on “his island.” The women are pissed by these taunts. Chelsea had to literally drag Scary Spice from going all garam masala on Troyzan’s ass. Despite Kim’s advantage of having two working knees, it is Tarzan who smashes his last target and moves onto the final round with Troyzan.
Final round and it is a rehash of the noughts and crosses reward challenge won by the women earlier in the season. Contestants have to fire coconuts from a slingshot to knock out three targets that are aligned either diagonally, horizontally, or vertically. It is actually a close challenge with all the women cheering for Tarzan and only the sounds of crickets cheering for Troyzan. And wouldn’t you know it, the Rocky theme worked and Old Abs wins immunity. He celebrates by beating his chest and rubbing his win in the noses of the women. Classy. Sabrina gives him a sarcastic clap and Troyzan turns around and tells her not to F with him. This time, it is Milkshake Spice that had to be held back from going all cayenne pepper on Troyzan’s ass. He continues taunting the women and seriously, he was one step removed from grabbing his crotch and telling the women to……well, you can imagine. No wonder Scary Spice muttered that Troyzan only bought himself one round. The black widow brigade will have to bide its time before devouring Troyzan next.
Back at camp and Old Spice decides to pull out the wise-old sage (in the crinkly and pooey blue briefs) card and tells Troyzan that he is happy for his win but he needs to tone down the celebrations and act all noble and respectful to his competitors. [This coming from a guy who has had several meltdowns at Tribal Council and told Chelsea that she had to fix her faulty milkshakes as they don’t bring all the boys to the yard]. The scrambling starts and The Bearded Lady and Milkshake Spice discuss their options. They remain committed to the Girl Power Alliance so they think it is best not to rock the boat and take out Christina. Instead, Tarzan or Leif will have to go because they have icky penises.
The ladies are smart as Troyzan is indeed trying to work things to his advantage. He tells the diminishing members of the penis collective that they are obviously at risk. He will try and sway both Christina and Bully Spice into voting Kim out tonight. Troyzan takes both Christina and Alicia aside separately and tells them that this is the time to make the move. They can take out a power player and guarantee themselves no worse than fifth place. It sounds logical but Christina and Alicia aren’t really buying it given how rude Troyzan was to both of them after the last Tribal Council. Further, Troyzan doesn’t know that Kim has a hidden immunity idol stuffed down her crotch as well. Your esteemed guest poster thinks a penis will still end up going home tonight. The Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants will again come up on top.
Tribal Council time and the jury seemed surprised/happy(?) that Troyzan had the immunity necklace on. Dimples starts off with an innocent enough question, asking Troyzan to explain why he was so
emotional aggressive at the reward and immunity challenges. That’s it. The women are not going to play nice and let Troyzan play to the jury. Chelsea immediately interrupts Troyzan’s initial answer and tells him that she is not impressed that he was yelling “You cannot beat me. This is my F-ing island.” To which, Troyzan corrects her by saying he said, “Don’t F with me – a big difference.” [WTF?! Did I just switch onto Kitchen Nightmares by mistake?] Scary Spice castigates Troyzan for his behaviour and how he morphed into Gordon Ramsey these last few days and he was just making himself look bad. Troyzan, denies he is Gordon Ramsey, rather, he is just a spoilt and petulant child who is intent on twisting everything the women say about him and turning it back on them. He tells the women that they don’t know what honesty is as they were the ones who lied to Jay and voted him out. They, not him, are making themselves look bad in front of the jury. They aren’t his mother, so he is going to scream and act more like a baby than Tarzan ever did in his past Tribal Council meltdowns. Case in point:
Sabrina: “Why are you getting upset with me?”
Troyzan: “I’m not upset with you.”
Sabrina: “So why are you raising your voice?”
Troyzan: “I’m not raising my voice. You are.”
Sabrina: “I’m not raising my voice. This is my normal tone.”
Troyzan: “Well this is also my normal tone.”
Sabrina: “Well good for you.”
Sabrina: “Anything you can do, I can do better.”
Troyzan: “I can do anything better than you.”
Sabrina: “No you can’t.”
Troyzan: “Yes I can.”
Sabrina: “No you can’t.”
Troyzan: “Yes I can, yes I can, yes I can!”
Dimples: “Sorry Troyzan, you can’t use Barack Obama’s 2008 election slogan to further your ambitions on a reality tv show. We can be sued for copyright infringement.”
After a pause whereby the off-camera producers apologise profusely to the POTUS, Dimples finally gets a word in and steers the shouting match towards Barbie. Chelsea explains that after Troyzan won immunity, paranoia set in and they wondered where the loyalties of the old Village People tribe fell. They all noticed that Troyzan was trying to swing votes with them today. Troyzan then lays it out, plain and simple, that Tarzan, Leif, Christina, and Alicia have his vote tonight and they can switch their fate by voting out Kim tonight. If not, none of them will make the finals. Chelsea tells him that this would only vote if he continued winning immunity but he ain’t no Colby, y’all. He is beatable. Troyzan counters by saying that if they stick as a block, the Village People can vote out the remnants of the Greek Goddesses, starting with the vote TONIGHT – (emphasis obviously directed at Christina and Alicia).
Kim tries to bring some rational debate into this heated meeting. She tells Troyzan that he is making assumptions as to who is “at the bottom” of the women’s alliance but he doesn’t know the deals that have been made. Therefore, his pitch to keep the Village Idiots strong may have already been countered by secret side-deals. Dimples wants to know from the two women who really are the swing votes tonight. Christina says she is happy to keep her options open but Troyzan has only recently wanted to strategise with her. Alicia concurs. She isn’t so sure if making a move now with someone, who until recently wanted her out, is the right thing to do now. [Alicia pretty much telegraphs that Leif or Tarzan are going to be castrated tonight with her wishy-washy response.]
With that, it is time to vote. We only see Troyzan’s vote (Kim) and Chelsea’s vote (Leif). Kim does not pull out the hidden immunity idol – meaning she believes all her side deals will keep her safe tonight. Dimples reads out the votes. Leif, Leif, Leif (worried look on his face). Kim (rolled-eyes as she knows it was Troyzan’s vote). Kim (surprised look – vote from Leif). Tarzan (look of surprise), Tarzan, Tarzan (grumpy Tarzan-baby face). Last vote to be read out and Troyzan is not happy that he couldn’t sway the votes the way he wanted. And the last vote is….Leif. With that, Leif gets up to walk towards Dimples whilst all his tribemates pat his head, tousle his hair, and pinch his cheeks. His torch gets snuffed. In his Final Words, viewers are shocked to hear that Leif doesn’t speak with a munchkin-like, helium voice.
Dimples tells Troyzan and Tarzan that they have only two options to remain in this competition. Both of them involving a machete and another performance of Victor/Victoria. So who will be voted out next? Well y’all already know as I’ve taken my sweet time with this recap but still, let’s pretend I haven’t been procrastinating! LOL! Will Tarzan win the Miss Survivor Pageant? Will Troyzan look good in high heels? Will Christina learn the meaning of strategy? Will Sabrina and Alicia ever win a reward challenge where the prize is a hair straightener? Find out more on the next exciting instalment of Survivor: Everybody hates Troyzan.