Guest Post: Survivor One World: Episode XI: Troyzan walks the Green Mile
JStar continues to power through the Survivor One World recaps and here is his next installment:
Dear Survivor Uber-Producer, Mark Burnett. This Season is becoming really boring. We all know the men are doomed. Please, please, try and keep my attention by sexing it up or something similar. You don’t want to alienate the other half of the population now okay? I’m so bored, I’ve fallen behind with my recaps thanks to how predictable this season is turning out. Please fix it. You know, maybe throw in some random sexy shots of Chelsea or something please? Thank you. Your long suffering fan, JStar.
Night 27 and the tribe returns solemnly to the Tikiano camp. For Troyzan, this is definitely not his 50 Shades of Grey fantasy with all the women ready to crush his manhood in their hands at any moment. He cuts a lonely figure as he retreats into his corner, knowing that he is on borrowed time. Dead Man Walking indeed. Somehow, he hopes that he can convince Judge Tarzan to assist him in getting another stay in his execution, after all, Troyzan managed to win his last ditch appeal earlier in the day. However, the reality is he has been unable to fight successfully against the power of Chief Warden Moe as her influence permeates every corner of the green mile. Unbeknownst to Troyzan, Judge Tarzan is in fact contemplating taking another bribe from Chief Warden Moe so as to save himself from the delayed fate that awaits all men on Survivor: The Spice Islands.
Day 28 and Bully Spice is in a good mood as she had earlier stolen Christina’s lunch money. She insists on reading Dimples latest attempt at writing poetry for the 50 Shades of Grey crowd.
“You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals.”
“So let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.”
The Survivors immediately speculate that the upcoming reward challenge may involve threesomes, which really perks up your esteemed guest poster’s attention. [Good start, Mark Burnett. Keep it up and I may stop yawning through the rest of this season]. After all, nothing says “Sex on a Stick” like seeing Tarzan parade around in that skin-tight red dress. Since the Bearded Lady is feeling particularly powerful nowadays as she is sitting pretty at the top of her many alliances, she declares to Kat that she is willing to be adventurous today and if she wins, Kat and Alicia will join her on the reward threesome.
Unfortunately, I once again fall for the ultimate red herring tease when the Survivors get to the Reward Challenge. It is a return to one of my ultimate favourite challenges, “The Passive-Aggressive Dimples Challenge”. This is the challenge where the Survivors get a chance to reveal what they really think of one another through cue cards. The Survivors are asked to answer a series of questions about their fellow tribemates – with the consensus answer being the correct answer. For each correct answer, the tribemates can chop any rope that is tied to a voodoo doll of one of the Survivor’s likeness. After three chops, the doll becomes a burning effigy and the owner of the doll is out of the challenge. The last person standing gets to go on a picnic via a helicopter ride and choose two other people for a strictly plutonic outing. [DAMMIT!] Since this is the passive-aggressive challenge, Bully Spice believes that her skills are transferrable enough to win this challenge today.
Firstly, it is no surprise that both Troyzan and Tarzan are immediately knocked out of the challenge by these “evil women.” These sisters are doing it for themselves. Alicia throws in a good dig by mocking Troyzan and telling him to “get off her island.” In terms of the answers, what is revealing is how clueless Christina is to what other people think of her. She is voted as the most undeserving Survivor left in the game which is a shock to nobody but her. Kim is the correct choice for several answers including the most trustworthy, person most people want to spend time with on a deserted island, and best drag act (Tarzan comes a close second). Dumb Spice is confused (naturally) then proud that she is voted as the person who needs the biggest wake-up call in life. [Touché.] Whilst the vitriol for Troyzan continues when he is voted the biggest poser as well as the person most people don’t ever want to see when the game has finished. Troyzan is shocked by this revelation. [Seriously Troyzan? You’re shocked that none of the women want to see you again after you swore and taunted them the last few days?] In the end, it comes down to Bully Spice and Moe Man and the Moe wins by a whisker. She selects Alicia to join her on the reward. With the music rising in the background, Kim now has to make her next Sophie’s Choice for her strictly plutonic threesome adventure. As Kat looks on earnestly, Kim chooses Milkshake to join her, telling Kat that she is “sorry but Chelsea needs to eat as she is becoming all ribs and silicone out on this island.” Ouch! Barbie does her best “shocked” Miss Universe reaction upon hearing this announcement – (all those years entering beauty pageants have been leading to this moment for Chelsea). Kat is visibly angry and that is when Troyzan jumps in to capitalise. He tells Dimples that the Moe’s choice was very revealing as she just announced who her Final 3 were and that Sabrina, Christina, and Kat were just making up the numbers like good little followers they are.
Moe, Barbie, and Bully head off into the helicopter and we get the obligatory Samoan postcard views. However even during the picnic, Kim confessed that she knew she made a big mistake in not choosing Dumb Spice and she fears Troyzan will really exploit it. And boy does he ever. Back at camp, he really makes a play to get into Kat’s head – (which isn’t too hard as there is not much going on upstairs). He challenges her to give a satisfactory response as to why she wasn’t chosen. Kat gets upset and tells everyone she can’t tend to the fire anymore as she hasn’t eaten enough beans to keep it warm. She goes off to cry and tells the nearest cameraman holding a box of tissues that her greatest fear is for people seeing her as a weak player like Christina. She says she is not a sheep and is hurt that Troyzan is saying she is one and that she doesn’t make her own decisions. Sabrina tries to comfort her by reminding her to not let Troyzan get in her head but it is too late. Kat turns on the waterworks.
When Moe, Bully, and Barbie return from the Reward, Kat does the mature thing and gives Kim the cold shoulder, refusing to engage in any discussions. Eventually, Kim has to almost literally drag her from the campfire to have a debrief. Kat is furious and is not impressed at Moe’s attempt to paint herself as the real victim because she had to make her Sophie’s Choice decision. It is obvious that Kim may have made her first serious mistake in this game and it may come to bite her back in a big way. Commercial break time. Oh look, promos for the Olympics!
We come back from a commercial break to get a warning from Channel 9 that the following scene contains imagery that some viewers may find distressing. Finally! We are now pre-warned when Tarzan bends over and flashes his tan lines or dresses in drag. Thank goodness all those letters of complaints were finally heeded by the censorship department of Channel Nine. Day 29 and it is pouring with rain. The Survivors are huddled together when some random pig stumbles by. That’s right, a RANDOM pig just shows up, out of nowhere much like how a RANDOM piglet showed up out of nowhere during the second season (Australia). Smells like some producers are trying to sell some porkies to us viewers. The women immediately turn all Lord of the Flies and are screaming to grab the axe and machete so they can have bacon, ribs, and ham tonight. They are beside themselves. Troyzan grabs some rope and we have a really superfluous scene of adults unsuccessfully catching a female pig. That’s right, “Mother Nature” knows only to plant sows and not wild boars on this island as their tusks and bad temperament may actually endanger these savages. We viewers unfortunately don’t get to see the fate that befell on Babe. Perhaps it found its way back to the local farmers market? The only person truly glad that this pig just happened to wander in to distract everyone is Kim because her Sophie’s Choice boo boo from yesterday is quickly forgotten.
Day 30 and we cut to the Immunity Challenge and it is a Wet ‘N Wild challenge, similar to what was previously used on Heroes v Villains (the last time this show was filmed in Samoa). Firstly we had budget cuts forcing Dimples to be the poetry master and now challenges are being recycled quicker than your local council’s fortnightly service! The contestants have to run and slide across a mat to reach their ring. Once they have the ring, they have to make it to the end of the mat to toss the ring onto one of the hooks extending from a pole.
The producers have clearly taken all the letters of complaints seriously and have decided to sex up this challenge with a capital S. In order to slide across the mat, the contestants have to (in the words of Dimples) “lube up.” Lots of sexy shots of the women rubbing themselves everywhere with oil and jelly before getting into the
wrestling ring edge of the mat. The cameramen are loving this challenge as there are plenty of gratuitous cleavage shots of Barbie sliding down the mat. The contestants have to compete against each other in twos. Chelsea beats Alicia and they congratulated themselves by rubbing up against each other. At this stage, the camera lens cracks as that scene was way too hot for a PG timeslot. After loading the back-up camera, we see Kat beating Sabrina. Then the moment of truth for Troyzan. He is against Tarzan and all the women are screaming encouragement and tips at Tarzan. And despite looking like he needs a double-joint knee replacement surgery, Tarzan manages to hook his ring first and wild celebrations erupt amongst the women. The Sirens proceed to engage in further naughty behaviour by rubbing against each other as the crow about their victory. Again the camera lens break and the final back-up camera was brought in and the challenge re-started. Kim makes sure she lathers her moustache with enough oil so as to prevent any friction. This strategy pays off and she soundly beats Christina and moves on to the second round. Troyzan is so pissed off that he can’t win immunity that he spends the rest of the entire challenge with his back turned to his tribemates. [That’s maturity for you from Old Abs. Way to send a signal that you don’t have a hidden immunity idol down your crotch Troyzan!]
Second round and this time there are two rings to hook. Chelsea defeats Kat. Then Kim easily wins over Tarzan before he even gets a chance to toss his rings. We get onto the final round – (three rings this time) – which is also known as a teenage boy’s fantasy round because both remaining competitors are now really oiled up. The contest is close but Kim manages to eke out a 3 2 win. Troyzan is very pissed at this result. He knows he is going home.
The tribemates trudge back to camp and we see that Wilbur the pig did not fall victim to Deb from MasterChef’s impaling. Must have been some pig. Clearly the vote is for Troyzan tonight however the girls are uncertain if he has a hidden immunity idol down his crotch. So Moe advises Scary Spice and Dumb Spice that the vote will be split with two votes going Christina’s way because she has seen her name written down at nearly every Tribal Council and someone else (read Bully Spice) would freak out if her name was on the parchment. So it is Sabrina’s job to break the news gently to Christina that she will get two votes. Now, most people would generally go ballistic because if Troyzan did have an idol, Christina would be voted out. Most people would not want to be the sacrificial lamb. But Christina seems to accept her fate meekly. This is a very defeatist attitude at best but no matter what you think about how poorly Christina has played so far, she didn’t deserve the next “gem” of a comment from Alicia. Bully Spice tells the audience that she would have gone all garam masala on the girls if she found out that she would be the sacrificial lamb. However, because Christina “has an IQ of zero,” Alicia is going to treat her like one of her special-needs students she teaches in her normal life. Just when you thought that Alicia hit her nadir, she comes up with that comparison. This is the same Alicia who has threatened on numerous occasions to punch Christina in the face, then joined up with Colton to engage in some of the worst bullying ever seen on television, and to top it off got caught on camera mocking Christina by pulling slanty-eyed faces to the camera. And now she compares this person to one of her special-ed kids. Wow! And I thought that to be a teacher to children with disabilities required compassion, warmth, and empathy. What’s the bet that Alicia becomes unemployed after this show after the principal hears that comment? Yes Christina is just making up the numbers in this game, but she definitely didn’t deserve that sort of spiteful comment.
Anyway, to prove Alicia’s point that Christina just sucks big time, we catch Christina just talking casually to Troyzan about tonight’s vote. She does engage in some strategy as she tries to suss out if Troyzan is prepared to vote out Chelsea tonight. Then she lets it slip that the girls are planning to split the vote and she has been informed that two votes would head her way. This is gold to Troyzan. He starts working on Tarzan to join him in voting out Christina. He also approaches Kat to get her to take some control of her fate in this game and vote out Christina. Dumb Spice is already pissed that she is seen by others as a follower of Kim’s decisions, rather than the true leader that she really thinks she is. The irony is lost on Kat that by voting for Christina tonight, she will in fact be following Troyzan’s lead. In fact, Kat has to ask Tarzan what the word irony means. Noticing that Troyzan is shaking down some people like a union representative on a building site, Kim tries to rally the girls once more to stick with the voting plan and not pull a dumb move like Tyson on Heroes vs Villains – (another person in my Survivor Hall of Shame for his stupidity).
Tribal Council time and the jury of men grin and roll their eyes as they walk in and notice that Troyzan does not have the immunity necklace on. Dimples asks the obvious if it is still Troyzan vs Spice World. He says it is him against the women and Tarzan. [Laughs from the jury…guess Tarzan isn’t popular with them]. Sabrina shoots herself in the foot when she admits to Dimples that talk about Top 3 have not occurred as a group amongst all six women together. Chelsea chimes in that talk of Top 3 occurred from Day 1. Perfect opportunity for the lightbulb in Christina’s head to turn on. It doesn’t. She gives a very safe response in saying that everyone has a different view on who is Top 5, 4, 3, etc. because people who you have alliances with can get voted out. [And to be fair to Christina, every female she aligned with at the start left before the merge]. Dimples doesn’t let up on the Christina-bashing train today, asking her why the heck she was still in the game. Alicia snorts at her response that it was due to luck. Bully Spice points out that at the Reward Challenge the consensus amongst everyone was that Christina did not deserve to be in the game because she had no strategy or explanation as to how she hadn’t been voted out already. Troyzan takes this as his cue to point out that everyone knows Christina is at the bottom. What he objects to is how the women pretend to love each other as sisters, yet it was obvious after the Reward Challenge that there were some ugly step-sisters amongst the Cinderellas. Kat chimes in that she was very upset after not being chosen by Kim to join her on reward and that the perception that she may be a weak player who just follows orders just doesn’t sit well with her.
Dimples cuts short the grilling as he has to head back for a manicure in his hotel room so he announces that it is time to vote. We see Troyzan’s vote (Christina), Christina’s vote (Chelsea), and Kim’s vote (Troyzan – “Please go home” she says). Dimples asks if anyone wants to play the hidden immunity idol. All the women turn to look at Troyzan. When he fails to get up, you could not wipe the smirk off Milkshake’s and Moe’s faces. They draw out their machetes and start sharpening it. Let the castration begin. First vote, Chelsea. Troyzan, Troyzan, Troyzan, Christina, Christina, and Christina (surprised looks on Christina’s face with that third vote. Troyzan looks mighty pleased with himself before the last vote is read out). The fifth member of the jury is….Troyzan. He gets up and fetches his torch. He then walks over to Kat and whispers in her ear to “Do it.” Milkshake Spice is a bit confused by this. So am I. Do what? Grow up perhaps? After getting his torch snuffed, Troyzan turns around and gives the stink eye to all the girls. Then he walks off and raises his arms in defiance. Everyone just laughs at Troyzan’s little dramatics. The girls are glad he is gone. In his Final Words, Troyzan explains he has been trying to get on the show for 11 years and he knows the fans will love his game. Well, your guest poster is not a fan. Troyzan let his ego do the talking – being one of the main instigators in making the men implode – and then he became a petulant child when he realised far too late that that Kim used his ego to play him like a fiddle. Troyzan, you suck more than Christina because you should have known better.
With six females left and Victor/Victoria on the side, who will be voted out next? Will Wilbur avoid the roast belly with crackling skin fate that awaits him during the traditional Final 3 luncheon? Will Kat learn that the plural of sheep is NOT sheeps? Will Dimples release the secrets to his ever youthful and smooth skin? Will someone set-up a fan appreciation Twitter account for Kim’s Moe? Will the producers make Chelsea “lube up” for every future challenge? Stay tuned for yet another “sexciting” instalment of Survivor: Women On Top!