Guest Post: Episode XII: The Hot Tamale Train Has Docked
Guest Poster JStar continues to razzle out the Survivor recaps and here is his latest one:
Previously on Survivor: The Real Housewives of Samoa, the housewives throw a “freedom party” to celebrate the fact that the divorce has come through and that mean old Troyzan has been kicked to the curb. Finally! No more men. Time for a Girls Gone Wild party. The women make plans to celebrate by skinny dipping under the moonlit-night but are stopped in their tracks upon the realisation that Victor/Victoria may be hiding a certain “Crying Game” under that skin-tight red dress.
Bully Spice is thrilled that Christina was pathetic in her attempts at answering Dimples’s questions at Tribal Council the last episode. Knowing that the jury may actually reward Bully Spice with the biggest lunch money payout of all time if she goes to the Final 3 with Christina, Alicia sets her sights on Scary Spice. Alicia is disgusted at the thought that a woman can win this game by being strategic, intelligent, and well-spoken without resorting to bullying, name calling, and hair pulling. This does not sit well with Bully Spice and she is determined to destroy any good role models on television starting with taking Sabrina’s scalp at the next opportunity.
Day 31 and Sabrina and Alicia make their way to the SCARY Survivor letterbox. Upon opening it, they practically lay eggs upon seeing the Sprint mobile phone. Whilst Shambo’s chickens tend to the newly laid eggs in Samoa, your esteemed guest poster will remind you that on your next trip to America, please ensure to pick up a Sprint pre-paid sim card to use in your
iPhone Sprint Mobile. Using the latest 3G and 4G wireless technology, Sprint gives you market leading low rates for your local, interstate, and international calls plus a generous super-size data allowance. Sprint, quality that only marketing can pay for.
Back at the camp, Alicia and Sabrina scream and wave the Sprint phone around. Alicia insists on reading Dimples’s latest poetic instructions about the upcoming reward challenge.
We are family
I got all my sisters with me
We are family
Get up everybody and sing
These emotionally manipulative family-reunion episodes are mawkish and are designed to pull even the deepest cynic’s heartstrings. And dammit, they work! We get to see videos from all the loved ones and EVERYONE cries. We see footage of Sabrina’s older brother, Alicia’s always bullied sister, Christina’s father, Milkshake’s father, Gassy Kat’s cousin, Kim’s older sister, and Tarzan’s wife. Christina is in tears in her confessional as she explains that her father only has between five to ten years to live as he recently had a kidney transplant. Sabrina is also in tears in her confessional and says that she hopes that whoever wins the upcoming challenge will choose Tarzan as he needs to see his wife so he can have more flattering clothes to wear for the remaining eight days. Also something about him and his wife being in a thirty-year marriage and they only have each other as they do not have children. But a more flattering dress for his figure and “television appropriate” underwear wouldn’t go astray.
Reward Challenge time and more opportunity to milk more tears from contestants and the audience. I haven’t seen this amount of crying on a reality television show since Amma and Ben had to cook against each other in the “To Sir, With Love” episode of Masta Shef. Dimples doesn’t waste any time. He brings out the loved ones one-by-one. Kim’s sister is first and the tears start up again. There are hugs and a quizzical look on the sister’s face when she realised that caterpillar above Kim’s lip can’t be brushed off. Christina’s dad is brought out and she tearily explains to everyone that she feels guilty that she doesn’t spend enough time with him, due to his health issues, so she makes up for that by agreeing to disappear to the other side of the world for forty days with no accessible phone or internet connection. Chelsea’s dad is brought out and the hard-faced bitch persona melts away into a stream of tears. Alicia’s sister is brought out. As she is just about to reach Bully Spice, Alicia flings a clenched right fist and socks one into her sister’s jaw. [Apparently that’s how Alicia shows affection. Christina should be so lucky. Guess you just have to roll with the punches in Puerto Rico-America like the Jets and the Sharks in West Side Story.] Now a truly disturbing moment approaches. Kat’s cousin is brought out. Kat is so excited she starts to CRAWL towards him. She then jumps on him all Masta Shef-Audra style and they proceed to “communicate” in this high-pitched F-bomb-laden squealing language that only Gordon Ramsey’s dogs would understand. When she calms down, Kat explains that he is the most important person in her life as they “work together, live together, and breathe together.” If you ever need an example as to why cousins should never marry, I refer to Exhibit A.
And finally, before Dimples has a chance to introduce her, Tarzan gets down on bended arthritic knees to await his beloved. Maybe it was the violin strings in the background but your hardened and cynical guest poster begins to cry. Their love is so real and the bond between them is so genuine. All the contestants are in tears except for Kat who is too busy chatting away with her cousin to notice this truly lovely scene unfold. After taking back the empty boxes of Kleenex, Dimples explains the rules of the upcoming challenge. Contestants are tied to their loved ones onto a rope which they have to untangle whilst running an obstacle course. The winner will be whisked away to a “special spot” where they will be rewarded with lunch and margaritas. [The only special spot that I know that exist on Samoa is 7Up Oasis. Those Survivors have hit the jackpot if they get to visit that place twice! The Lonely Planet ranks it as one of the places to be seen whilst travelling in Samoa.]
Anyway, it is clear during the challenge that Tarzan and Christina would never win. Okay, they both suck at every physical challenge but when they are competing with loved ones with health issues, they were never going to be in the running. It is a close three-way battle between Team Moe, Team Milkshake, and the Wonder Twins; the latter pull away at the last second to win. So who will Kat choose? Given that Kat was so upset at the Moe Man’s Sophie Choice faux-pas at the last reward when she got snubbed, Kat knows that it pays to choose wisely lest to piss off her non-selected tribemates’ feelings. With that in mind, Kat chooses both Kim and Alicia to join her on the reward. Yes, Kim and Alicia who both went on the last reward just a few days ago. Even they look guilty. Both Chelsea and Sabrina growl under their breaths that Kat should have chosen Christina and Tarzan. Kat justifies her decision by saying she has been waiting a long time to have fun with these two girls (translation, her Final 3 option) and she can’t wait to get drunk with them today. Deep and justifiable.
At the Reward, Kat confesses to the camera that she knows she chose the wrong people but now that her decision is done, she is going to “eat her cake, get drunk, and deal with things back at camp later.” As everyone wolfs down lunch, Kat tells her cousin that this is her Final 3 and that the women have voted out all the men and now it is time to take out one of their own starting with Sabrina. Later on, the Moe Man takes her sister aside and they have a chat about her Final 3 options. Kim admits that the Final 3 with Alicia and Kat would be the best case scenario as Alicia is delusional as to how well she thinks she has played the games. Kim says she would be shocked that Alicia would get any votes given that a lot of people don’t like her. And Kat would be the person who would have her own reality television show within a year about how she blew a million dollars and is in debt. Her lack of maturity would be held against her by the jury. Kim believes that her best bet is to take out Sabrina next as she may not be able to win against her.
But back with the losers at camp, things aren’t so rosy. Sabrina is mighty pissed that Kat did not choose Tarzan and Christina for the reward. She is pissed at how selfish and immature Kat is to not have the foresight to give Tarzan an opportunity to spend time with his wife and to let Christina enjoy the precious few moments she will have left with her dad. Sabrina says that this decision is enough to convince her to vote for Kat. Sensing her opportunity, Chelsea suggests that this in fact should be the next vote and that all four of them (plus the Moe Man) should write down Kat’s name next. Chelsea explains that not only is Kat immature, she appears to also have a good relationship with some of the guys on the jury, particularly Troyzan. In Chelsea’s mind, it is to take Kat out now. Commercial break time.
We viewers return to find out that somehow a day and a half has whizzed past and it is suddenly the morning of Day 33. Surely the editors could have scraped together or even recycled some sexy shots of Chelsea doing laundry in her bikini or Tarzan gathering more firewood from the random bamboo leaning against the area of the shelter where the supporting bamboo pillars used to be? Maybe shots of Kim, Kat, and Alicia throwing up after getting plastered at the Reward luncheon? Apparently nothing interesting happened in the last 36 hours because Chelsea is only now telling Kim how pissed off everyone was back at camp after Kat’s decision. She says Sabrina wants to vote out Kat next. The Moe Man tells her that Sabrina is too smart to stay. Both Bully Spice and Gassy Spice don’t realise that the Moe and Barbie are making all the decisions so it is best to keep these clueless twins a while longer. Sabrina has to go next. Kat approaches them and they all agree that they need to prevent Sabrina from winning immunity later that afternoon.
Immunity Challenge time and Dimples is in an evil mood. He explains that he loves nothing better than to torture young wenches. Welcome to your “Hostel 3: Survivor” nightmare he laughs. And speaking of wenches, today the contestants will be standing on a log with their arms holding a handle behind their back which is tied to a wench. Dimples will at irregular intervals gradually lower the contestants closer to the water below, thereby increasing the pain threshold. After ten minutes, Sabrina gives up as she knows her sisters have her back [yeah right….she’s so screwed tonight]. Alicia and Kim grin as Sabrina jumps into the water. Tarzan follows suit straight afterwards. After twenty minutes, Alicia and Chelsea jump in. They are followed shortly by Christina – yes that is NOT a typo. Christina doesn’t suck in all physical challenges apparently. It boils down to Kath and Kim (look at moi, Kimmy, look at moi). They battle on for another forty minutes. Kat is asking Kim to let her win as she so desperately wants to win this one. Dimples once again lowers the women further towards the water and with that, Kat loses her grip and falls in. For the second straight challenge, the Moe wins. Kat is crying and is upset at herself for losing that she refuses to congratulate Kim and does a Troyzan and turns her back towards Kim as she is presented her
gold medal immunity necklace by Dimples. Talk about a bad sport! Back at camp she is still sulking at the fact that she lost to someone six years older than her. But her grin returns when she asks Alicia if the plan to blindside Sabrina is still in place. When Alicia confirms this, Kat is so happy she could fart. Realising that her methane may go to waste, she runs over to the fire to tend to the smouldering embers.
Alicia scurries over to the Moe Man. Alicia explains that after seeing Sabrina suck so badly in that challenge as well as Kat surprising everyone by going toe-to-toe with Kim, Bully Spice thinks that it may be better to vote out Kat tonight as she has now revealed what a physical threat she is. Alicia asks Kim if she will vote for Gassy Spice tonight rather than Scary Spice. The Bearded One just bristles at the suggestion. Sabrina enters into the conversation and Bully Spice asks her if she is okay with sending Kat home tonight. Sabrina is naturally in agreeance. She cannot put up with Kat’s immaturity anymore. Kim is a bit concerned as she knows that Sabrina is the bigger threat and that Sabrina has the smarts to blindside the Moe Man down the track. Kim still wants Sabrina to go home tonight.
The Moe Man and Milkshake Spice have a brief moment to chat before Tribal Council tonight. Milkshake Spice is pleased to hear that Bully Spice now wants Baked Beans gone. Chelsea finally steps up and argues to Kim that it is smarter to get rid of Kat not only because she is selfish and doesn’t deserve to be there, but she has friends on the jury. They need to lock Alicia into this decision whilst she has her mind set on Kat. But Kim is definitely uneasy with whoever she chooses to blindside tonight because she has promised Final 3 scenarios with both Sabrina and Kat separately. Plus, Kim is a big student of history. She knows the horrible fate that befell the world when the Other Spice Girls shrank from a quintet to a quartet. Kim has to think about things. She looks over to Victor/Victoria and Clueless Christina. Perhaps one of them could be her new Geri in a reformed Spice Girls quintet?
Tribal Council time and from out of nowhere Mary Murphy’s scream is looped over the soundtrack of the ominous music playing in the background. Her Hot Tamale Train has docked on the Survivor Express. Here comes the jury:
Jason Jonas, Abs Mike, Abs Jay, Little Leif, and Old Abs Troyzan. Geez, this could almost be a preview for Magic Mike. Anyway, Troyzan is still pissed and he glowers at Kim from the jury bleachers. Dimples start off by asking Kat to justify her choices at the Reward Challenge. Kat doesn’t even pretend to be a good liar when she grins through her clichéd response about how difficult it was for her to choose two people to join and how the decision hurt her feelings. Dimples questions Kat on why she chose the two people who went on the last reward. Kat explains she wasn’t thinking strategically – she just wanted to be surrounded with people whom she can have fun (and get drunk) with. Sabrina shakes her head in disgust and tells Dimples that she agrees that Kat did not make that decision strategically but rather made it because of her lack of maturity (and Kat grins and nods proudly at that statement). Sabrina tells Dimples and the jury that everyone else would have chosen Tarzan and Christina solely due to their circumstances and she hopes Kat will learn to regret it in time – [way to telegraph that you are about to vote someone off Sabrina!] Kat gives yet another grinning half-hearted apology for making the wrong decision due to her being a naive and young 22 year-old. Chelsea slams Kat for this saying she always tries to deflect her decisions by hiding behind her “I’m a naive 22 year-old” shtick even though someone at 22 years of age isn’t that young. Kat is annoyed that the entire Tribal Council is all about her now – [which if she bothered reading the Survivor Survival Guide it clearly states that Rule # 12 is to be alarmed if you are at the centre of events at Tribal Council for you are more than likely to be the recipient of votes shortly afterwards. I smell a brutal blindside coming on].
Dimples ask Bully Spice for her take on the Immunity Challenge. Alicia says she was surprised Sabrina was the first one to jump in the water as she had bet Christina her lunch money that it would be Tarzan first. However, she was perplexed at Kat’s Troyzan-like reaction after losing to Kim. Kat tries to explain that she was pissed at her body giving up on her but is angry that she is being slagged off by everyone tonight. She doesn’t understand why Christina is being given a free pass at this Tribal Council. The question of honesty is brought up and Kim admits that if someone is seen by the jury as honest and a straight-shooter, that can be a major threat as that person has won over the jury inspite of maybe not playing the best game. Sensing that Kim is talking about her, Sabrina just casually throws out that she feels she is an honest person but if she is blindsided, people might not like how she will influence the jury from behind the scenes, particularly if she is pissed with those that orchestrated her ouster. She just may not vote for the person who played the best game if she is pissed with that individual. [Personally, I believe this is genius and wonder why after 24 seasons, no one has used this tactic to ward off any blindside attempts. Vote for me and you’ll regret it big time!] Kat laughs and says that she loves blindsides as they are “fun and exciting. If it goes down, touché, cool beans, whatever.” [Wow! Kat, Kat, Kat. You just broke Rule # 5! Never EVER say you love blindsides.] Judging by how hard Chelsea and Alicia are biting their lower lips, I’m thinking Kat is indeed going to be the victim of tonight’s major blindside. Finally after snoring through the last few episodes, something interesting is just about to happen.
It is time to vote. We only see Kat’s vote (Sabrina) and Sabrina’s (Kat). Five O’Clock Shadow doesn’t play her hidden immunity idol so Dimples goes about the task of reading out the votes. Sabrina, Kat, Kat, Kat (shocked look on her face. She steals a glance over to her left and Kim, Chelsea, and Alicia quickly look away). And the next vote is….Kat. She is stunned. Jay, Leif, and Troyzan almost fall out of their seats. They cannot believe it either. Kat looks again to her left and all her Spice Sisters are staring at their feet contemplating the urgent pedicures needed when they return home. After Dimples snuffs her torch, Kat sobs as she takes her walk of shame. Just in case the Spice Girls (minus Geri) don’t feel bad enough, Dimples rubs in the fact that this was a major blindside (probably the best all season). Kat sobs through her Final Words, crying hysterically when she realises that she was voted out before Christina AND Tarzan. She hates the fact that people will now see her as a weak and naive player and begs Dimples to let her play again in the future so she can redeem herself. [Sorry Kat, that ship has sailed. We’ve already had to sit through two seasons of Redemption Island. Surely the producers can’t have run out of ideas than to have a future season of all returning players so as to give them yet another shot of winning. Just wait a minute, how many times have Boston Rob played? Oh yes, FOUR seasons of Survivor plus TWO seasons of The Amazing Race. Not to mention his wedding to Amber was also made into a reality television special. Puke-a-rama!]
Anyway out of curiosity, I thought I would view the Ponderosa video clip for Kat. Well, it is a cryfest that would make Amma from Masta Shef proud. Kat cries as she makes that long walk to the nearby medical team where she is being examined by the unqualified medic, Ramona. Standing on the scales, she becomes hysterical. In fact the show’s psychologist has to accompany Kat in the car ride to Ponderosa. Kat is even more unintelligible than when she met her cousin. I could barely understand a word above all the sobbing. Something about how Kim and Alicia lied to her and that they ALL lied to her. How dare they keep Christina and Tarzan, who both don’t want to be there, over her. It’s not fair. They are just tricky bitches. But when reminded about her log-tending duties, Kat stops crying and celebrates that she is glad she let the log burn out tonight. As her ass was the official methane supplier for the tribe, they will have no fire tonight and won’t be able to start a new one without her. Then the car ride ends and she has to get out to face the Hot Tamale Train that she had gleefully voted out the last fortnight. The sobbing starts yet again and she collapses into Troyzan’s arms. She cries over the fact that she took Kim with her to the reward and then got voted out before Christina. Jonas just rolls his eyes and tells the camera later that if Kat came into this game not expecting that she may be blindsided, then she really didn’t do her homework and is truly that naive. Touché. Anyway, Kat apparently recovered shortly afterwards as she starts bragging that her blindside was so much more hardcore than Jay’s and Michael’s.
So who will be voted out next? Who will the remaining Spice Girls choose from either Troyzan or Christina to be part of their reformed quintet? Will Milkshake Spice moonwalk the foxtrot and polka the salsa soon because we all know she can shake it, shake it, shake it? Due to that caterpillar growth, the audience can no longer understand what Bearded Spice wants, what she really, really wants anymore. Can somebody please give her 10 cc of emergency electrolysis quick?! As for Bully Spice, her vote is for Christina – thank you very much, she needs somebody for that bashing touch. And apparently Scary Spice isn’t a maths teacher as she wants both Tarzan and Christina to be part of the reformed quintet. Sorry Scary, I don’t care what you say but two does not become one. Find out more on the next instalment of Survivor: Viva Forever!