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Guest Post: Episode XII: The Hot Tamale Train Has Docked

Guest Poster JStar continues to razzle out the Survivor recaps and here is his latest one:

Previously on Survivor: The Real Housewives of Samoa, the housewives throw a “freedom party” to celebrate the fact that the divorce has come through and that mean old Troyzan has been kicked to the curb.  Finally!  No more men.  Time for a Girls Gone Wild party.  The women make plans to celebrate by skinny dipping under the moonlit-night but are stopped in their tracks upon the realisation that Victor/Victoria may be hiding a certain “Crying Game” under that skin-tight red dress.

Bully Spice is thrilled that Christina was pathetic in her attempts at answering Dimples’s questions at Tribal Council the last episode.  Knowing that the jury may actually reward Bully Spice with the biggest lunch money payout of all time if she goes to the Final 3 with Christina, Alicia sets her sights on Scary Spice.  Alicia is disgusted at the thought that a woman can win this game by being strategic, intelligent, and well-spoken without resorting to bullying, name calling, and hair pulling.  This does not sit well with Bully Spice and she is determined to destroy any good role models on television starting with taking Sabrina’s scalp at the next opportunity.

Day 31 and Sabrina and Alicia make their way to the SCARY Survivor letterbox.  Upon opening it, they practically lay eggs upon seeing the Sprint mobile phone.  Whilst Shambo’s chickens tend to the newly laid eggs in Samoa, your esteemed guest poster will remind you that on your next trip to America, please ensure to pick up a Sprint pre-paid sim card to use in your iPhone Sprint Mobile.  Using the latest 3G and 4G wireless technology, Sprint gives you market leading low rates for your local, interstate, and international calls plus a generous super-size data allowance.  Sprint, quality that only marketing can pay for.

Back at the camp, Alicia and Sabrina scream and wave the Sprint phone around.  Alicia insists on reading Dimples’s latest poetic instructions about the upcoming reward challenge.

We are family

I got all my sisters with me

We are family

Get up everybody and sing

These emotionally manipulative family-reunion episodes are mawkish and are designed to pull even the deepest cynic’s heartstrings.  And dammit, they work!  We get to see videos from all the loved ones and EVERYONE cries.  We see footage of Sabrina’s older brother, Alicia’s always bullied sister, Christina’s father, Milkshake’s father, Gassy Kat’s cousin, Kim’s older sister, and Tarzan’s wife.  Christina is in tears in her confessional as she explains that her father only has between five to ten years to live as he recently had a kidney transplant.  Sabrina is also in tears in her confessional and says that she hopes that whoever wins the upcoming challenge will choose Tarzan as he needs to see his wife so he can have more flattering clothes to wear for the remaining eight days.  Also something about him and his wife being in a thirty-year marriage and they only have each other as they do not have children.  But a more flattering dress for his figure and “television appropriate” underwear wouldn’t go astray.

Reward Challenge time and more opportunity to milk more tears from contestants and the audience.  I haven’t seen this amount of crying on a reality television show since Amma and Ben had to cook against each other in the “To Sir, With Love” episode of Masta Shef.  Dimples doesn’t waste any time.  He brings out the loved ones one-by-one.  Kim’s sister is first and the tears start up again.  There are hugs and a quizzical look on the sister’s face when she realised that caterpillar above Kim’s lip can’t be brushed off.  Christina’s dad is brought out and she tearily explains to everyone that she feels guilty that she doesn’t spend enough time with him, due to his health issues, so she makes up for that by agreeing to disappear to the other side of the world for forty days with no accessible phone or internet connection.  Chelsea’s dad is brought out and the hard-faced bitch persona melts away into a stream of tears.  Alicia’s sister is brought out.  As she is just about to reach Bully Spice, Alicia flings a clenched right fist and socks one into her sister’s jaw.  [Apparently that’s how Alicia shows affection.  Christina should be so lucky.  Guess you just have to roll with the punches in Puerto Rico-America like the Jets and the Sharks in West Side Story.]  Now a truly disturbing moment approaches.  Kat’s cousin is brought out.  Kat is so excited she starts to CRAWL towards him.  She then jumps on him all Masta Shef-Audra style and they proceed to “communicate” in this high-pitched F-bomb-laden squealing language that only Gordon Ramsey’s dogs would understand.  When she calms down, Kat explains that he is the most important person in her life as they “work together, live together, and breathe together.”  If you ever need an example as to why cousins should never marry, I refer to Exhibit A.

And finally, before Dimples has a chance to introduce her, Tarzan gets down on bended arthritic knees to await his beloved.  Maybe it was the violin strings in the background but your hardened and cynical guest poster begins to cry.  Their love is so real and the bond between them is so genuine.  All the contestants are in tears except for Kat who is too busy chatting away with her cousin to notice this truly lovely scene unfold.  After taking back the empty boxes of Kleenex, Dimples explains the rules of the upcoming challenge.  Contestants are tied to their loved ones onto a rope which they have to untangle whilst running an obstacle course.  The winner will be whisked away to a “special spot” where they will be rewarded with lunch and margaritas.  [The only special spot that I know that exist on Samoa is 7Up Oasis.  Those Survivors have hit the jackpot if they get to visit that place twice!  The Lonely Planet ranks it as one of the places to be seen whilst travelling in Samoa.]

Anyway, it is clear during the challenge that Tarzan and Christina would never win.  Okay, they both suck at every physical challenge but when they are competing with loved ones with health issues, they were never going to be in the running.  It is a close three-way battle between Team Moe, Team Milkshake, and the Wonder Twins; the latter pull away at the last second to win.  So who will Kat choose?  Given that Kat was so upset at the Moe Man’s Sophie Choice faux-pas at the last reward when she got snubbed, Kat knows that it pays to choose wisely lest to piss off her non-selected tribemates’ feelings.  With that in mind, Kat chooses both Kim and Alicia to join her on the reward.  Yes, Kim and Alicia who both went on the last reward just a few days ago.  Even they look guilty.  Both Chelsea and Sabrina growl under their breaths that Kat should have chosen Christina and Tarzan.  Kat justifies her decision by saying she has been waiting a long time to have fun with these two girls (translation, her Final 3 option) and she can’t wait to get drunk with them today.  Deep and justifiable.

At the Reward, Kat confesses to the camera that she knows she chose the wrong people but now that her decision is done, she is going to “eat her cake, get drunk, and deal with things back at camp later.”  As everyone wolfs down lunch, Kat tells her cousin that this is her Final 3 and that the women have voted out all the men and now it is time to take out one of their own starting with Sabrina.  Later on, the Moe Man takes her sister aside and they have a chat about her Final 3 options.  Kim admits that the Final 3 with Alicia and Kat would be the best case scenario as Alicia is delusional as to how well she thinks she has played the games.  Kim says she would be shocked that Alicia would get any votes given that a lot of people don’t like her.  And Kat would be the person who would have her own reality television show within a year about how she blew a million dollars and is in debt.  Her lack of maturity would be held against her by the jury.  Kim believes that her best bet is to take out Sabrina next as she may not be able to win against her.

But back with the losers at camp, things aren’t so rosy.  Sabrina is mighty pissed that Kat did not choose Tarzan and Christina for the reward.  She is pissed at how selfish and immature Kat is to not have the foresight to give Tarzan an opportunity to spend time with his wife and to let Christina enjoy the precious few moments she will have left with her dad.  Sabrina says that this decision is enough to convince her to vote for Kat.  Sensing her opportunity, Chelsea suggests that this in fact should be the next vote and that all four of them (plus the Moe Man) should write down Kat’s name next.  Chelsea explains that not only is Kat immature, she appears to also have a good relationship with some of the guys on the jury, particularly Troyzan.  In Chelsea’s mind, it is to take Kat out now.  Commercial break time.

We viewers return to find out that somehow a day and a half has whizzed past and it is suddenly the morning of Day 33.  Surely the editors could have scraped together or even recycled some sexy shots of Chelsea doing laundry in her bikini or Tarzan gathering more firewood from the random bamboo leaning against the area of the shelter where the supporting bamboo pillars used to be?  Maybe shots of Kim, Kat, and Alicia throwing up after getting plastered at the Reward luncheon?  Apparently nothing interesting happened in the last 36 hours because Chelsea is only now telling Kim how pissed off everyone was back at camp after Kat’s decision.  She says Sabrina wants to vote out Kat next.  The Moe Man tells her that Sabrina is too smart to stay.  Both Bully Spice and Gassy Spice don’t realise that the Moe and Barbie are making all the decisions so it is best to keep these clueless twins a while longer.  Sabrina has to go next.  Kat approaches them and they all agree that they need to prevent Sabrina from winning immunity later that afternoon.

Immunity Challenge time and Dimples is in an evil mood.  He explains that he loves nothing better than to torture young wenches.  Welcome to your “Hostel 3: Survivor” nightmare he laughs.  And speaking of wenches, today the contestants will be standing on a log with their arms holding a handle behind their back which is tied to a wench.  Dimples will at irregular intervals gradually lower the contestants closer to the water below, thereby increasing the pain threshold.  After ten minutes, Sabrina gives up as she knows her sisters have her back [yeah right….she’s so screwed tonight].  Alicia and Kim grin as Sabrina jumps into the water.  Tarzan follows suit straight afterwards.  After twenty minutes, Alicia and Chelsea jump in.  They are followed shortly by Christina – yes that is NOT a typo.  Christina doesn’t suck in all physical challenges apparently.  It boils down to Kath and Kim (look at moi, Kimmy, look at moi).  They battle on for another forty minutes.  Kat is asking Kim to let her win as she so desperately wants to win this one.  Dimples once again lowers the women further towards the water and with that, Kat loses her grip and falls in.  For the second straight challenge, the Moe wins.  Kat is crying and is upset at herself for losing that she refuses to congratulate Kim and does a Troyzan and turns her back towards Kim as she is presented her gold medal immunity necklace by Dimples.  Talk about a bad sport!  Back at camp she is still sulking at the fact that she lost to someone six years older than her.  But her grin returns when she asks Alicia if the plan to blindside Sabrina is still in place.  When Alicia confirms this, Kat is so happy she could fart.  Realising that her methane may go to waste, she runs over to the fire to tend to the smouldering embers.

Alicia scurries over to the Moe Man.  Alicia explains that after seeing Sabrina suck so badly in that challenge as well as Kat surprising everyone by going toe-to-toe with Kim, Bully Spice thinks that it may be better to vote out Kat tonight as she has now revealed what a physical threat she is.  Alicia asks Kim if she will vote for Gassy Spice tonight rather than Scary Spice.  The Bearded One just bristles at the suggestion.  Sabrina enters into the conversation and Bully Spice asks her if she is okay with sending Kat home tonight.  Sabrina is naturally in agreeance.  She cannot put up with Kat’s immaturity anymore.  Kim is a bit concerned as she knows that Sabrina is the bigger threat and that Sabrina has the smarts to blindside the Moe Man down the track.  Kim still wants Sabrina to go home tonight.

The Moe Man and Milkshake Spice have a brief moment to chat before Tribal Council tonight.  Milkshake Spice is pleased to hear that Bully Spice now wants Baked Beans gone.  Chelsea finally steps up and argues to Kim that it is smarter to get rid of Kat not only because she is selfish and doesn’t deserve to be there, but she has friends on the jury.  They need to lock Alicia into this decision whilst she has her mind set on Kat.  But Kim is definitely uneasy with whoever she chooses to blindside tonight because she has promised Final 3 scenarios with both Sabrina and Kat separately.  Plus, Kim is a big student of history.  She knows the horrible fate that befell the world when the Other Spice Girls shrank from a quintet to a quartet.  Kim has to think about things.  She looks over to Victor/Victoria and Clueless Christina.  Perhaps one of them could be her new Geri in a reformed Spice Girls quintet?

Tribal Council time and from out of nowhere Mary Murphy’s scream is looped over the soundtrack of the ominous music playing in the background.  Her Hot Tamale Train has docked on the Survivor Express.  Here comes the jury: Jason Jonas, Abs Mike, Abs Jay, Little Leif, and Old Abs Troyzan.  Geez, this could almost be a preview for Magic Mike.  Anyway, Troyzan is still pissed and he glowers at Kim from the jury bleachers.  Dimples start off by asking Kat to justify her choices at the Reward Challenge.  Kat doesn’t even pretend to be a good liar when she grins through her clichéd response about how difficult it was for her to choose two people to join and how the decision hurt her feelings.  Dimples questions Kat on why she chose the two people who went on the last reward.  Kat explains she wasn’t thinking strategically – she just wanted to be surrounded with people whom she can have fun (and get drunk) with.  Sabrina shakes her head in disgust and tells Dimples that she agrees that Kat did not make that decision strategically but rather made it because of her lack of maturity (and Kat grins and nods proudly at that statement).  Sabrina tells Dimples and the jury that everyone else would have chosen Tarzan and Christina solely due to their circumstances and she hopes Kat will learn to regret it in time – [way to telegraph that you are about to vote someone off Sabrina!]  Kat gives yet another grinning half-hearted apology for making the wrong decision due to her being a naive and young 22 year-old.  Chelsea slams Kat for this saying she always tries to deflect her decisions by hiding behind her “I’m a naive 22 year-old” shtick even though someone at 22 years of age isn’t that young.  Kat is annoyed that the entire Tribal Council is all about her now – [which if she bothered reading the Survivor Survival Guide it clearly states that Rule # 12 is to be alarmed if you are at the centre of events at Tribal Council for you are more than likely to be the recipient of votes shortly afterwards.  I smell a brutal blindside coming on].

Dimples ask Bully Spice for her take on the Immunity Challenge.  Alicia says she was surprised Sabrina was the first one to jump in the water as she had bet Christina her lunch money that it would be Tarzan first.  However, she was perplexed at Kat’s Troyzan-like reaction after losing to Kim.  Kat tries to explain that she was pissed at her body giving up on her but is angry that she is being slagged off by everyone tonight.  She doesn’t understand why Christina is being given a free pass at this Tribal Council.  The question of honesty is brought up and Kim admits that if someone is seen by the jury as honest and a straight-shooter, that can be a major threat as that person has won over the jury inspite of maybe not playing the best game.  Sensing that Kim is talking about her, Sabrina just casually throws out that she feels she is an honest person but if she is blindsided, people might not like how she will influence the jury from behind the scenes, particularly if she is pissed with those that orchestrated her ouster.  She just may not vote for the person who played the best game if she is pissed with that individual.  [Personally, I believe this is genius and wonder why after 24 seasons, no one has used this tactic to ward off any blindside attempts.  Vote for me and you’ll regret it big time!]  Kat laughs and says that she loves blindsides as they are “fun and exciting.  If it goes down, touché, cool beans, whatever.”  [Wow!  Kat, Kat, Kat.  You just broke Rule # 5!  Never EVER say you love blindsides.]  Judging by how hard Chelsea and Alicia are biting their lower lips, I’m thinking Kat is indeed going to be the victim of tonight’s major blindside.  Finally after snoring through the last few episodes, something interesting is just about to happen.

It is time to vote.  We only see Kat’s vote (Sabrina) and Sabrina’s (Kat).  Five O’Clock Shadow doesn’t play her hidden immunity idol so Dimples goes about the task of reading out the votes.  Sabrina, Kat, Kat, Kat (shocked look on her face.  She steals a glance over to her left and Kim, Chelsea, and Alicia quickly look away).  And the next vote is….Kat.  She is stunned.  Jay, Leif, and Troyzan almost fall out of their seats.  They cannot believe it either.  Kat looks again to her left and all her Spice Sisters are staring at their feet contemplating the urgent pedicures needed when they return home.  After Dimples snuffs her torch, Kat sobs as she takes her walk of shame.  Just in case the Spice Girls (minus Geri) don’t feel bad enough, Dimples rubs in the fact that this was a major blindside (probably the best all season).  Kat sobs through her Final Words, crying hysterically when she realises that she was voted out before Christina AND Tarzan.  She hates the fact that people will now see her as a weak and naive player and begs Dimples to let her play again in the future so she can redeem herself.  [Sorry Kat, that ship has sailed.  We’ve already had to sit through two seasons of Redemption Island.  Surely the producers can’t have run out of ideas than to have a future season of all returning players so as to give them yet another shot of winning.  Just wait a minute, how many times have Boston Rob played?  Oh yes, FOUR seasons of Survivor plus TWO seasons of The Amazing Race.  Not to mention his wedding to Amber was also made into a reality television special.  Puke-a-rama!]

Anyway out of curiosity, I thought I would view the Ponderosa video clip for Kat.  Well, it is a cryfest that would make Amma from Masta Shef proud.  Kat cries as she makes that long walk to the nearby medical team where she is being examined by the unqualified medic, Ramona.  Standing on the scales, she becomes hysterical.  In fact the show’s psychologist has to accompany Kat in the car ride to Ponderosa.  Kat is even more unintelligible than when she met her cousin.  I could barely understand a word above all the sobbing.  Something about how Kim and Alicia lied to her and that they ALL lied to her.  How dare they keep Christina and Tarzan, who both don’t want to be there, over her.  It’s not fair.  They are just tricky bitches.  But when reminded about her log-tending duties, Kat stops crying and celebrates that she is glad she let the log burn out tonight.  As her ass was the official methane supplier for the tribe, they will have no fire tonight and won’t be able to start a new one without her.  Then the car ride ends and she has to get out to face the Hot Tamale Train that she had gleefully voted out the last fortnight.  The sobbing starts yet again and she collapses into Troyzan’s arms.  She cries over the fact that she took Kim with her to the reward and then got voted out before Christina.  Jonas just rolls his eyes and tells the camera later that if Kat came into this game not expecting that she may be blindsided, then she really didn’t do her homework and is truly that naive.  Touché.  Anyway, Kat apparently recovered shortly afterwards as she starts bragging that her blindside was so much more hardcore than Jay’s and Michael’s.

So who will be voted out next?  Who will the remaining Spice Girls choose from either Troyzan or Christina to be part of their reformed quintet?  Will Milkshake Spice moonwalk the foxtrot and polka the salsa soon because we all know she can shake it, shake it, shake it?  Due to that caterpillar growth, the audience can no longer understand what Bearded Spice wants, what she really, really wants anymore.  Can somebody please give her 10 cc of emergency electrolysis quick?!  As for Bully Spice, her vote is for Christina – thank you very much, she needs somebody for that bashing touch.  And apparently Scary Spice isn’t a maths teacher as she wants both Tarzan and Christina to be part of the reformed quintet.  Sorry Scary, I don’t care what you say but two does not become one.  Find out more on the next instalment of Survivor: Viva Forever!

 

30 comments

1 Trent { 07.23.12 at 12:13 pm }

Thanks for the hilarious recap again!

I couldnt stand Kat everything about her annoys me. alot like Bully Spice. My partner and i all use your nicknames for the contestants at home, but still cant get past “the bearded lady” and Clueless Christina is so true too!!!

Reallllly want to check out the Ponderosa clips but i dont want to stumble across any spoilers so i will wait till the series finishes!

2 JStar { 07.23.12 at 12:53 pm }

Hey Trent, yes don’t check the Ponderosa clips until after tomorrow. Definitely too many spoilers there. I’m recapping last Tuesday’s episode so hope to get that out by Wednesday morning. Finale probably done by the weekend. I’m tossing up on a culturally sensitive Spice Girls moniker for Christina (in case she is elected to be part of the new quintet). How does Pokemon Spice sound to you? 😛

3 Darryl { 07.23.12 at 1:00 pm }

The Ponderosa clips for this season were fantastic. Leif and Kat’s are the highlights. Roll on Sptember in USA for new season

4 A.P { 07.23.12 at 1:11 pm }

I’m dumb, what are the Ponderosa clips? So glad Kat went after not choosing Tarzan and Christina to go on reward. If those girls had any decency they would have said no we went last time so why don’t you go in our place Tarzan and Christina, at least give them a nice memory before booting them off! But no, this is Survivor where bullying, meanness and backstabbing prevailes! Kat is so stupid she didn’t even realize the blindside would be her and using her age is no excuse, 22 is old enough to know right from wrong and the cousin thing is just yuck!

5 JStar { 07.23.12 at 1:32 pm }

@A.P – Ponderosa is where the jury members are sequestered after being voted off. Also known as “Loser Lodge.” Since Season 17, the network started posting on the Internet web clips of what happened after someone is voted off. Also gives a great insight on if the jury is going be bitter or not and who they really don’t like. You could cut the air with a knife after Shambo got voted off when all the girls refused to greet her. You can You Tube them (but after you’ve seen the finale ofcourse). Spoilers, definitely on there.

You did make a great point about Kim and Alicia refusing to go. Really, they shouldn’t have accepted it. Sabrina definitely said she wouldn’t have gone if chosen. Really, those two should have known better. But it was definitely a selfish decision from Kat and just for that, it was so satisfying to see her booted off. Milkshake Spice was right. 22 isn’t that young!

6 Sioux Denim { 07.23.12 at 2:59 pm }

As you said earlier JStar – a good blindside indeed …. that whole cousin thing was just way too creepy…..

Gonna spend this arvo now on the Ponderosa clips….. still cannot believe we have had finale here and other States havent =WTF C9!!

7 A.P { 07.23.12 at 3:07 pm }

Sioux Denim and Jstar, I went to Ponderosa and it says that I am not in the right geographical location to see the video clips Huh! What does that mean? Will keep trying as I already know the winner anyway and its not the one I wanted so it doesn’t matter if I get spoilers.
I think they could make a whole show based on what happens after they do that walk of shame, it would be so interesting to see if the jury talk amongst themselves and decide who the winner should be. In this case I wouldn’t have wanted to vote for any of the remaining ones ( except maybe Christina for what she had to put up with )

8 JStar { 07.24.12 at 12:46 am }

SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER SPOILER

Okay, resist the temptation. Only for A.P’s eyes (and those who have already seen the finale or is just too weak-willed. As long as you enjoy the recaps, I’m okay with that. LOL!)

This is a link to Kat’s Ponderosa cryfest. There are other links and other spoilers so enjoy searching.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qBOn60m8UgA&feature=related

I’ll probably put a link of this when I recap the finale but here is that awful scene of Alicia and Colton making fun of Christina and Jonas. Remember, Alicia is a teacher for children with special needs. I believe this was that infamous night after Cougar Mommy was blindsided and upon returning, Alicia and Colton really gave Christina a hard time.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tkmXxKSurLE

9 Sioux Denim { 07.24.12 at 9:31 am }

Thanks JStar – I couldnt stand Kat’s crying so didnt watch it all!!!

You guys are all set for finale tonight yeah?

10 A.P { 07.24.12 at 11:30 am }

Thanks so much Jstar, it was so interesting to see what happens to the contestants after that walk. I didn’t realised they even filmed it. Once they get to the Ponderosa they seem to like it once they get to eat properly again and have a shower. Kat lost a lot of weight!
Can’t wait for the finale tonight, hope I can stay awake!

11 JStar { 07.24.12 at 5:47 pm }

Hey A.P. – I’ve seen the finale and reunion so just need to recap it. All I will say is thank goodness the snoozefest is done and dusted. You have three hours to stay up for (including reunion) and then two hours of Masta Shef tomorrow. Good luck with staying up!

12 A.P { 07.24.12 at 6:20 pm }

Yeah, I’ve got a great couple of nights, can’t wait or though what are we going to talk about next?

13 JStar { 07.24.12 at 8:43 pm }

Masta Shef All Stars of course! And besides, you know by the time I finish those Survivor recaps the Olympics would have been long over. HEHE.

14 Sioux Denim { 07.25.12 at 12:23 pm }

Hi gng – Am going to talk about the re-union, so if you havent watched the show yet, look away now………..

I thought Alicia’s apology was genuine – sure she cried but IMO she has looked at the show and seen how she acted – the total opposite of what Colton’s pathetic attempt at an apology was. He is a smug, contrite little twerp! He even had to get his ‘mom’ involved so as to not look like a condescending prick that he is. He in no way apologised sincerely to Bill (and heh, what was with Bill’s hair!!). The love from the audience was sad as it gave him some validation for his behaviour.

My bloody tuner stopped when they started talking to Christine so I did not get her reaction to the racist comments -JStar or AP – can you enlighten me. I did see her though throughout the show react to Alicia and Colton in friendly terms, they must of all made up.

How pathetic is Troyzan – the gall that he thinks he is Richard Hatch material!!! Dimples at least put him in his place….Just shows that Americans love to love themselves heh!

Kat looked amazing and was pleased she in a good state health-wise.

Did anyone else notice there was not a lot of love between Kim and Sabrina – any thoughts on that?

Lastly – did Chelsea even get a vote??

15 A.P { 07.25.12 at 1:59 pm }

Sioux Denim, yes I managed to stay awake and watch the reunion and pretty much agree with everything you said (what does IMO stand for?)
Christina was very gracious, she said she has worked is sales and is used to people treating her like crap and it just goes over her head and if she had it to do again she would have played it a different way, poor girl, I would have loved her to win!
I don’t know how Bill could even sit next to Colton, he didn’t really apologise to him at all and look how he put on the poor me act saying how some people haven’t accepted him being gay so he knows how it feels WTF? Should be all the more reason for him to be nice to people! Felt sorry for his mother, she looked very embarrassed but seemed okay herself.
Next season will be good!

16 planb { 07.25.12 at 2:12 pm }

JStar – ‘All I will say is thank goodness the snoozefest is done and dusted.’

Amen to that. Thanks for your recaps, I will go back and catch up reading them now. After you mentioned it, I could not stop looking at Kim’s moustache. She looked like Ronald Coleman, or some thirties movie star last night, even at the reunion show, with that pencil mo – so maybe it is a shadow effect from her lipline. Could not take my eyes off it.

What a lousy season! More dumb moves or non-moves per ep than any other one I can recall.

17 Sioux Denim { 07.25.12 at 5:10 pm }

AP – IMO – in my opinion….

Thanks for the Christina update – spewin I missed the end too to see whaat next season will be like – I hope we get it fast tracked from C9 – but seriously doubt it!

Agree Planb – terrible season – but I’m kinda once I get into it – I cant turn off!

And yes JStar – you certainly have been a Star this season for us – hope you can keep it up too for the next series…..

MChef tonight mmmmmm – I think I might go for Julia – we 2hrs behind here so probably wont get on after 6pm – think I gonna wait for the surprise – its actually one of the closest seasons, so far as the finale go – IMO!!! hee hee (AP)

18 A.P { 07.25.12 at 5:30 pm }

Of course! I’m a bit dumb at picking up all these initials, now I know. Its a bit of a relief coming to this Survivor thread to get away from all the nastiness on the other one.
There will be three teams next season, some of the medically evacuated people will be on it, should be good, JStar will be all over it.
Yes, stay off the websites until you’ve seen the final of masterchef, you don’t want to spoil it.
GO JULIA!

19 Sioux Denim { 07.25.12 at 5:35 pm }

Yeah – I did see that pic from the cloche – man, how do people think of looking there!

Yeah, havent commented over there for a while ……….

20 A.P { 07.25.12 at 5:47 pm }

I don’t know but it does kind of spoil it, just like the Woman’s Day thing. Andy gave a spoiler too apparently on a radio interview. Lucky I didn’t hear it!
I have noticed you haven’t commented for a while, neither has Sue N.
Hopefully will get back to normal soon. Enjoy Tonight!

21 Sioux Denim { 07.25.12 at 5:50 pm }

Thanks AP – you too!

22 Sioux Denim { 09.20.12 at 10:10 pm }

ooooh – just had to post on the last Survivor thread- Survivor Phillipines just advertised on C9 – wonder how far we behind the US? Wonder when it starts?

Am excited!!!!!!!!!!!!!

23 A.P { 09.20.12 at 10:21 pm }

I’m excited too, I read on TVtonight that its starts this week in US and possible starts for us early October.!
Hope we get it plz channel 9 not too far behind USA! Put it on GO if you have to, just put it on for the fans!
JSTAR, get onto it hah hah!

24 Izobel2 { 09.20.12 at 10:42 pm }

Hey I will b keeping an eye out too as I saw the ad and gasped so loud my husband rushed in and thought I’d smashed something!

Looking forward to Cochrane’s recaps too, I’m thinking I will watch the ep, read the recap, then re-watch the ep so I can see the bits that I clearly missed!

Please let this season b better than the last! I didn’t want anyone to win!

25 JStar { 12.11.12 at 7:49 pm }

Episode XIII: Tarzan brushed aside by the Whiskers
Night 33, and after the hilarious decision in blindsiding Ginger Gassy Spice, the remaining Spice Girls must make a difficult decision. Will they soldier on as a quartet and release more mediocre records or perhaps welcome in a new fifth member and hope that injection of fresh air will help make their forthcoming film, Spice World Smackdown: Cinnamon vs Star Anise, watchable to the general public? There isn’t much of a choice – either Clueless Christina or Victor/Victoria. In true Spice Girls fashion, the decision will be made via a beauty pageant challenge as nothing quite spells “positive affirmation” than holding a contest where one is judged by one’s looks and image. This must be what girl power is all about.

First Round – Talent Round
Tarzan: “As a surgeon trained in the mystical arts of cosmetics, I was responsible for giving Victoria Beckham gravity-defying breasts, inspite of having four children, as well as those bee-stung lips. Pick me and I’ll throw in my own trademarked botox that is guarantee to freeze your face into a permanent sourpuss scowl like Victoria’s. Now who in the audience wants to volunteer to meet Mr Magic Fingers on the stage?”

Christina: “As an Asian woman trained in the mystical arts of kung fu panda, I will now proceed to demonstrate how I was about to put Colton out of his misery by snapping his neck, whilst he lay on the ground in pain. Alicia, you look like you want to volunteer.”

[The votes are tallied and Christina wins this round on a re-vote: 3-1].

Second Round – The Evening Gown Round
In pure Miss America fashion, the runway extravaganza commences to the strains of Dionne Warwick’s hit song, “That’s What Friends Are For.” Tarzan sashays down the runway wearing an original Cougar Mommy 2012 collection. His skintight red dress showing all the natural curves and contours of his body. He collects a bouquet from a random Samoan child and blows kisses to the Spice Girls whilst wiping away tears. Keep smiling, keep shining indeed.

It’s Christina’s turn now. Christina is…………look, it doesn’t really matter what she is wearing because Tarzan has already won this round. It was not even a contest.

Final Round – Q & A Round
The dreaded Q & A Round has tripped up many front runners in the past. Who could forget Miss South Carolina’s entrant for 2007 Miss Teen USA when she failed to coherently explain why many American kids could not locate America on a map of the world? But hey, the clip went viral and she scored a modelling contract and was one of the final three teams in a subsequent Amazing Race season. Never let stupidity get in the way of good looks. With that in mind, Chelsea is determined to show the world that not all busty blondes from South Carolina are intellectual ingrates.

Milkshake Spice: “Hi Tarzan. I’m from South Carolina. Back home, y’all, we think science is devil talk. Carbon dating is a complete crock. We all know that the only reasons why there are no dinosaurs now is that Noah could not build an ark big enough to house them in within such a short timeframe. With that in mind, how do you explain the rising sea levels affecting Samoa and other islands in the Pacific?”

Tarzan: “It would be egregious to ignore the evidence published in peer-reviewed science journals regarding man’s contribution towards the changing composition of gases in the atmosphere. Man-made activity has contributed towards rising greenhouse gases. The additional heat trapped in the atmosphere is absorbed by the waters thereby raising sea levels.

Bully Spice: Christina. I dragged your ass here to this point despite you sucking big time. What do you have to say for yourself?

Christina: STFU Alicia!………..and…er…world peace?

The votes are not revealed immediately. The Pencil Moustache Spice informs the two that should the winner not perform her duties and functions of the role as required by the Trump organisation, then the title of Fifth Wheel Spice will go to the First Runner-Up. And now the winner of being the new fifth member of the Spice Girls, and thereby guaranteeing herself a place in the Final Five goes to……Christina! Christina cries and hugs Tarzan as she is presented with her tiara and sash. All the girls envelop Christina with congratulatory hugs and they excitedly reveal her new Spice Girls moniker…….Yoko Ono Spice.

Rejected and humiliated, Victor/Victoria is not going to take this snub lying down. He retreats back to the smouldering embers and proceeds to show Kat that you can start a fire by using the other F-word….flint. Knowing that he may be the next to go, he approaches Bully Spice. Alicia, who has had Tarzan’s back since the tribal swap, is concerned on how she can make it to the final three. Tarzan tells her not to worry. He approaches Unibrow Spice to propose taking Chelsea out and therefore giving both her and Bully Spice a better shot of winning the million dollars, particularly if they drag Yoko Ono Spice along with them. He says that he would be happy finishing in fourth place and he will then use his time at Ponderosa talking Alicia up to the jury. Kim tells them that she is fine with taking Chelsea out next as she wants to be in the final four with them. [Liar!]

Clearly the stress of putting on a last minute beauty pageant took its toll on the tribemates as they must have spent the next day cleaning up the confetti and tears as no footage of Day 34 is shown. We head straight into Day 35 and even the editors are sleeping in this morning as they are recycling the same shot of ants attacking a scorpion. This must be a metaphor about something but obviously the viewers are too dumb to pick it up themselves as helpful assistance is provided by Chelsea’s confessional when she says that she suspects it is now The Moe Man, Scary, and her against Bully, Yoko Ono, and Victor/Victoria. After including Christina as the new member of the Spice Girls, Chelsea is worried that she is going to do a Yoko Ono on the group and break the Beatles Spice Girls up.

We later see Milkshake and Yoko Ono take a totally unrehearsed walk to the SCARY letterbox to collect the next poetry masterpiece from Dimples about the upcoming Reward Challenge. Chelsea casually mentions that if she wins the Reward, she will take Christina. She also tries to convince Clueless Christina that Tarzan cannot be allowed to make it to the Final Three as he has a penis and we all know that may be enough to swing the majority of the jury members his way. The moment Chelsea leaves to do laundry in her sexy bikini, Christina immediately tells Alicia, Kim, and Tarzan that it appears that Chelsea wants Christina to swap her vote and take out Tarzan. The Moe Man is freaking out a bit as she fears she may be outed for playing both sides of the fence. On the one hand, she has agreed to a foursome with the remnants of the Village People Tribe yet on the otherhand, she is in a threesome with Milkshake and Scary. She’s now paranoid that people are about to see her as a two-timing hussy. Later, Kim approaches Milkshake Spice and tells her that Christina just went all Yoko Ono on the group and blabbed everything to Alicia and Tarzan. Milkshake is pissed off big time. [Guess Christina isn’t going to go on reward today. Somewhere in a hidden crevice on the island, the ants are finishing devouring the scorpion.]

Reward Challenge time. Dimples explain that it is a puzzle challenge and immediately scoffs at Bully’s and Milkshake’s chances. The contestants are to release three separate discs by spinning around in circles to release each one. The discs have numbers printed on them and they have to align the discs correctly to get the three-numbered combination which will in turn release their flag if entered correctly. The winner gets to go on a yacht cruise and be served a three-course meal. They also get to shower and be presented with clean clothes to wear, sleep overnight on the yacht, and will only return to camp the next morning. By this stage, everyone is so smelly and nasty that this reward is really more for the unsung heroes at camp….the cameramen and off-camera producers who have put up with the tribemates’ stink for the last 35 days.

Anyway, the thought of new clothing for Tarzan and a shower for Christina and Sabrina meant that this challenge is actually quite close as no one is prepared to give a half-arsed effort. In the end, surprisingly, Milkshake Spice exorcises her puzzle demons and secures the win. She chooses Scary with her first pick. She then says she wants to “play fair” like she has done throughout this game and she then chooses The Pencil Moustache to also share in the reward. [Gee, how fair is it to let Kim go on her third consecutive reward?] Also, it is disappointing as a viewer that Chelsea has now inflicted upon us further images of Tarzan parading around camp in his dirty blue underwear. Commercial break time.

Someone at Channel 9 must have tipped off the advertisers as just before the show re-commences, there is an advertisement about a “cure” for erectile dysfunction. Oh there better be sexy shots of Chelsea taking a shower or else many men will be dialling that 1800 number to order one of those nasal sprays! We return to see some random Australian guy giving the ladies a tour of the yacht (or “sailboat” as Chelsea insists on calling it). He shows them their one-bedroom cabin where there is a king-sized bed with sexy bath robes for the ladies to wear tonight. Plus, Chelsea volunteers to have a shower first! No need to call that 1800 number now guys….oh wait….oh come on! Only a headshot of Chelsea having a shower? Only shots of the women drinking champagne and suddenly we are back at camp to see how Tarzan is going? Come on! Where is the footage of the women in their sexy bath robes jumping up and down on the king-sized bed having pillow fights?! What was that 1800 number again?

26 JStar { 12.11.12 at 7:50 pm }

After that unconscionable tease the editors played on the male viewership, we are indeed returned back to the shenanigans at the Tikiano camp with the losers. Bully Spice and Yoko Ono Spice are pissed off that Kim is going on yet another reward because Chelsea said that it was “fair.” This was after she told Christina that she would take her on the reward today if she won. It is sealed. They are going to vote off Milkshake Spice next. In the event that the vote is a draw, they are banking on The Moe Man to blink first and side with them in voting out Chelsea as they are confident she won’t want to draw rocks to decide who goes home. Sensing a crack in the Spice Girls alliance, Tarzan suggests that Christina and Alicia will have a better chance at winning if he sat in the final three with them. He says that Milkshake and Unibrow have been deceiving them and it would make sense to possibly even knock out Kim first if she does not win immunity. In any event, both of them have to leave the game next. Alicia and Christina both agree that they would stand a better chance of winning if Tarzan was in the final three with them as opposed to Kim. They all agree that if Kim comes back from the night out on the yacht and starts backtracking on voting out Chelsea, then the target will be turned towards her. Back on the yacht, the alliance between Scary, Milkshake, and Unibrow is cemented over champagne and a three-course meal. Sabrina explains to us viewers that that the reason why Kim is such a convincing liar is that her hairy lip is so hypnotic. People are too focussed on those magical whiskers that they succumb to its hypnotic aura. Troyzan and Jay stood no chance. The Moe Man proposes to the other two that when they return to camp, they need to somehow split Yoko’s and Bully’s vote tomorrow so as to not force a draw.

Day 36 and Tarzan has gotten up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. He is in a crabby mood. He is preparing a “coconut stew” which he intends to filter the liquid with the same buff that he has had wrapped around his crusty ass the past 36 days. Both Alicia and Christina object to this as they don’t want to eat the stew after seeing how it has been prepared but Tarzan doesn’t care for their thoughts. He tells them that the “bugs and germs” that they are all worried about are the same that has been crawling on their skin these past 36 days. Anyway, his little temper tantrum is interrupted by the returning contestants who saunter in with their freshly washed Pantene hair.

Kim knows she has to do some emergency damage control so she takes Bully Spice aside. It is time to let those whiskers work its magic. Alicia tells Kim that Tarzan suggested that if Kim came back from the yacht and backs off from voting out Chelsea, then Kim is the traitor who needs to be taken out next. [Even though her personality is as interesting as watching two layers of paint dry, Kim delivers a masterclass in ego stroking. It is the same sort of trick she used on Troyzan]. She tells Alicia that Tarzan is playing her so that he can take out the strong competition and slide into the Final Three where he will win all the votes from the guys. She tells her to not believe Tarzan’s promise in selling Alicia as the worthy winner to the jury if he is voted out in fourth place. Kim stresses that Tarzan is playing Alicia and that she will look stupid when he turns around later and votes her out and takes Christina and Sabrina with him to the Final Three. That seals it. Alicia says she is not stupid. She is the smartest and “most powerful player” on the island plus she is also “queen of the social game.” She is not going to be “Tarzaned” tonight. Alicia decides that Milkshake will go home unless she wins immunity. If she does, Tarzan will go home.

27 JStar { 12.11.12 at 7:52 pm }

Immunity Challenge time and it is a seafood challenge of sorts. The contestants have one hand tied behind their backs and have to connect fish hooks to collect three bags of puzzle pieces. Each bag contains puzzle pieces shaped as fish bones that need to be used to complete a fish skeleton. [This is the same recycled challenge used on Redemption Island. Geez these producers are getting lazy!] Anyway, the lead changes a few times but surprisingly it all comes down to Tarzan, Alicia, and Kim. And by mere seconds, Bully Spice pulls out a win after threatening Tarzan and Kim that she would bash them if they finished ahead of her.

Back at camp, Tarzan calls Alicia a bitch. [Finally! Took the words out of my mouth]. Alas, he is only joking. He says he should have won that challenge as it was not athletic – [Ouch! Backhander!] Alicia is sitting pretty as she now has to make the decision either to vote out Chelsea or make the stupider decision in giving up some of her control and voting out Tarzan because she has been told that he is playing her. And in case Alicia wants to feel even more stupid when she is watching this episode at home later, we see a quick scene where Unibrow and Scary Spice are giggling at how gullible Alicia is in believing Kim’s lies about Tarzan backstabbing Alicia. Kim is fairly convinced that Alicia will turn on Tarzan tonight but she needs to continue working her whiskers on her. The Moe Man approaches Chelsea and tells her that if she cannot convince Alicia to turn on Tarzan tonight, she will be forced to vote Chelsea out tonight to avoid a draw. Chelsea isn’t too happy upon hearing the news. She suggests that Kim play her hidden immunity idol to save the Milkshake tonight. The Pencil Moustache tells her that she doesn’t want to use it as she is saving it for the next vote. Chelsea is a bit upset and later tells Sabrina that she would be pissed if she left the game before Clueless Yoko Ono. Sabrina tells her not to worry too much as the power of the whiskers will be too irresistible for Alicia.

We see Tarzan and Alicia walking to collect water and Tarzan has sensed that he may be the one going home tonight. He questions Bully Spice but she is a terrible liar. Tarzan does not buy that she intends on keeping her word in taking him to the final four. He tries to reason with Alicia that not taking Chelsea out tonight is a dumb move, and keeping Kim around as one of her Final Three would be suicidal. Alicia tells him that unless he is one of the Spice Girls, he may be in trouble tonight. Tarzan is desperate now. His only chance is to convince the others that they made the wrong decision in deciding who would be the fifth wheel Spice Girls. Tarzan enacts the “morality clause” in the beauty pageant rulebook and demands a re-staging of the Q & A round. He declares that he knows he wore the wrong outfit last time as the red colour distracted the audience from his answers so he decides to break out the outfit he originally intended on wearing (but was talked out of doing so by an off-camera producer). Tarzan is now dressed in an original white tank top creation from Gassy Kat and he also managed to fashion a little tiara made out of her underpants. [Gross!]. Tarzan proudly struts around camp with his new look, telling those not bending over and puking that he too believes in world peace and charity work. The Spice Girls are torn. Tarzan is making a “pretty” good case on why he should have been crowned Miss Survivor. Alas, he may have left his run too late as it is time to walk to Tribal Council.

28 JStar { 12.11.12 at 7:53 pm }

Tribal Council time and everyone is nervous to see Kat – even Tarzan as he has taken her panties off his head by now. Their fears are proven as she shoot daggers from the jury bleachers at all of them. Dimples starts off by asking if Tarzan is surprised he is still in the game when all the other men have been voted out. He says he isn’t surprised as he made a deal with the women to be the last penis standing if he helped vote all the guys out. [If looks could kill, Tarzan would be dead by now given the looks on Troyzan and Michael’s faces]. Troyzan suspects that his time may just about come to an end but he argues he would be perfect to take to the Final Three as a jury would not vote for a millionaire who had a hand in voting all of them out. Sabrina counters by saying the obvious: “All the world peace and charity work in the world cannot hide the fact that Tarzan has a penis. That alone may be the sole criterion in him getting votes from a pissed off jury of he reaches the end.” [Alicia cannot look at Tarzan tonight and she spends a lot of time looking at her feet. Tarzan is going home]. Dimples apologises for the poor camera work tonight as their original cameramen are all in hospital after gouging their own eyes out this afternoon. He asks Tarzan why he insists on torturing innocent people with his drag act back at camp. Tarzan confesses that because he is the only guy left amongst women, he has been suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. So yes, he is wearing Kat’s tank top tonight and he had fashioned a beautiful tiara out of her panties. Kat is shocked upon hearing that her panties could be so disrespected like that. She actually tears up a bit (although that could be just editing). Sabrina is not going to let Tarzan get away tonight with using his antics to distract Alicia from voting him out. She cleverly steers the conversation back towards Tarzan and how he may be using his antics as a ruse to sneak his way into the Final Three.

Talk about Chelsea’s choice at the Reward Challenge comes up and Alicia points out that Chelsea erred in not picking either Tarzan or Christina to join her. They all saw how Kat chose poorly last time and that anger back at camp got her voted out. Kat whispers “bitches” from the bleachers. Christina confirmed she was pissed that Chelsea broke her word in not taking her but Chelsea counters by saying that when Christina blabbed everything to Kim, Alicia, and Tarzan, she did not feel obligated to keep her promise after that. However, she hopes that Christina and Alicia aren’t so mad as to not see that Tarzan is using that anger to play them. She hopes the Spice Girls stick together till the end – viva forever. Tarzan gives one last ditch effort to convince Alicia that he is not playing anyone but judging by Alicia’s body language, he’s toast tonight. With that it is time to vote.

29 JStar { 12.11.12 at 7:56 pm }

Somehow Tarzan’s arthritic knees have miraculously healed as he practically hops up and gladly writes down Chelsea’s name. Chelsea returns the favour and hopes to hell that he gets off the island tonight as only she is allowed to win the beauty pageant challenges held on the island. No other votes are revealed. The Bearded Lady surprisingly does not play her idol so she must be confident that her whiskers were made for walking, walking all over you. Time for Dimples to read out the votes. First vote, Milkshake (and from the bleachers, Kat whispers “Goodbye Chelsea”). Next vote, Victor/Victoria. Next vote – Priscilla. Next vote – Crying Game (Tarzan by now knows he is a goner). And the next vote is….Lady in Red. After getting his torch snuffed, Tarzan turns around and thank the women for letting him stick around long enough to see his wife and he thanked the men for playing the game with him. Abs Mike returns the compliment by flipping Tarzan the bird – his most strategic moment in the game since Day 1 when he stole equipment the women gathered from the truck. In his Final Words, Tarzan recites a beautiful soliloquy that makes Dimples green with envy. He finishes it off by doing his best rendition of a Tarzan bellow.

30 Anonymous { 12.11.12 at 8:09 pm }

Milkshake Spice has already given every guy on the jury two compelling reasons to vote for her. But in the end, if the jury is not bitter, The Moe Man should win just because she has played the best game thanks to her magically, hypnotic whiskers. It all depends on whether the jury is bitter or not and we all know that bitter juries make the best television (and most controversial choices…cough, cough….Natalie the sheep beating Evil Russell). Stay tuned for a finale that drags out even longer than a dramatic pause on Masta Shef!

[Oh the horrors of One World will forever live in my nightmares, even after all this time that has past.]