Guest Post: The Corkers Olympics
Most people are consumed by the Olympics so a couple of regulars offered to give a few up dates during the next two weeks to give their unique view of this fabulous sporting event.
Even though it is not reality TV it is all consuming – so it is also a place where you can talk about what you are liking or disliking about the event. Have to say after watching the Men’s 100 metre freestyle relay this morning I was wondering if James Magunsson is going to live up to his own hype.
Anyway over to The Corkers:
Corker Olympics – An Introduction
Meet Darren and Karen Corker and their children Shyanne and Jaycen. The Corkers are an average Aussie family who have agreed to share their home and their viewing experiences with us on this blog during the Olympic Games. Darren and Karen will be watching as much of the games as possible over the next two weeks and will be recapping their observations on the Opening Ceremony and a lot of the sporting action, so keep an eye out for their guest posts.
The Corkers have a wealth of experience in sport in general and a keen eye for detail when it comes to the action and the media commentators. Darren played Rugby League for 20 years from age 5, only giving it up due to continuing weight problems and injury. Karen was an A Grade netballer until she was suspended for punching a player from the opposing team, due to a misunderstanding over what constitutes ‘contact’ in a non-contact sport. For various reasons, Darren and Karen can no longer play, so they just like to watch.
Jaycen, the youngest, has never played sport and spends most of his time these days in his room, playing World of Warcraft. Shyanne is almost 16 and played netball for one season when she was 10. When she’s not out and about with her friends, she likes to keep in touch with them on Facebook and her mobile phone. Shyanne is also an avid fan of our very own X Factor winner Altiyan Childs and has all his albums and an autographed photo of him driving his forklift. Although Karen won’t admit it, she really likes Altiyan too and listens to his music when Shyanne isn’t home.
Darren, or Daz to Karen, likes to have a drink when he’s watching his favourite sports on his pride and joy – a 152 inch 3D Plasma TV. He has his own fridge on the back verandah, full of his favourite brew, Redneck ™.
Karen, or Kaz to Darren, is a doyen of fashion and prides herself on her appearance. Karen also makes a lot of her own clothes to help with the family budget and she will be giving us an in depth analysis of the team uniforms of the various nations in the Opening Ceremony recap.
The Corkers have a next door neighbour Barry or Baz as he likes to be called. Baz, who doesn’t mind a beer either, calls in occasionally to watch sport with Darren. Barry also doesn’t mind drinking Darren’s Rednecks whenever he gets the chance. Darren calls Baz ‘Barry the Bludger’ behind his back and has recently put a hasp and staple and padlock on the beer fridge because he’s pretty sure Baz has been helping himself while he and Karen are out. Darren says Baz always seems to know when he buys another slab, even if he leaves it in the boot till it gets dark.
In terms of the Olympic Games, the Corkers have a few favourite events they like to watch and controversies they like to watch out for. One of their favourite pastimes during the games is sussing out which female contestants should be competing in the men’s events – the steroid sisters Karen calls them.
Darren enhances his viewing experience on the big screen by using an imaginary electronic visual aid called Crotch Cam©, which allows him to zoom in on the athletes’ private parts among other things, much like the real cameramen do. This up close and personal view enables him to describe the twitch of every sinew; the sparkle of every bead of sweat; the glare of floodlights off waxed and oiled thighs; the dank hair; the mental anguish; in fact he even imagines he can zoom in on the odour of the athlete’s joggers.
What the Corkers will be watching:
- The Opening Ceremony – Karen especially loves all the pomp and hoopla and the Brits are very good at this, so she’s looking forward to it. She’s also excited about seeing what the teams are wearing for the London Games.
- Weightlifting – they love the bulging muscles and other organs, the farting, the pain and the tears.
- Synchronised swimming – Darren is a real fan and because it’s a women only sport, his pet name for it is ‘synchronised box stretching’. Crotch Cam comes in very handy for this event.
- Gymnastics – Crotch Cam is useful here too, to pick out the real action on the circuit.
- Hammer throw – they love seeing it go off course and nearly brain someone.
- Cycling – their neighbour Baz is the real fan of this sport. He always says he’d like to be peddling behind some of those sheilas. Secretly he’d like to be a volunteer and wipe their bikes down when they finish a race. He’s got a thing about bicycle seats too.
- Diving – it’s all about the drama for the Corkers. Watching those scores go up and down as each diver triumphs then bombs out.
- Fencing – they’d rather see the contestants go at it with real swords though and without all those guards. The first time they ever saw this on the program they were surprised fencing had been made into an Olympic sport, because Darren had done a lot of it on the farm when he was growing up.
- Wrestling – just for the sheer embarrassment of it.
- Judo – grabbing blokes by the lapels and swinging them around reminds Darren of big nights out with the boys when he played rugby.
- Rowing and kayaking – the Corkers are worried another Aussie athlete will chuck the towel in and stop rowing in London. They love it when a kayaker goes arse up, too.
- Archery – for some reason they have formed the impression that this competition will take place in Sherwood Forest, near Nottingham.
- Shooting – there have been a few drive- bys in their neighbourhood recently, so seeing people being responsible with guns is a novel experience for the Corkers.