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Guest Post: The Corkers Olympics

Most people are consumed by the Olympics so a couple of regulars offered to give a few up dates during the next two weeks to give their unique view of this fabulous sporting event.

Even though it is not reality TV it is all consuming – so it is also a place where you can talk about what you are liking or disliking about the event. Have to say after watching the Men’s 100 metre freestyle relay this morning I was wondering if James Magunsson is going to live up to his own hype.

Anyway over to The Corkers:

Corker Olympics – An Introduction

Meet Darren and Karen Corker and their children Shyanne and Jaycen. The Corkers are an average Aussie family who have agreed to share their home and their viewing experiences with us on this blog during the Olympic Games. Darren and Karen will be watching as much of the games as possible over the next two weeks and will be recapping their observations on the Opening Ceremony and a lot of the sporting action, so keep an eye out for their guest posts.

The Corkers have a wealth of experience in sport in general and a keen eye for detail when it comes to the action and the media commentators. Darren played Rugby League for 20 years from age 5, only giving it up due to continuing weight problems and injury. Karen was an A Grade netballer until she was suspended for punching a player from the opposing team, due to a misunderstanding over what constitutes ‘contact’ in a non-contact sport. For various reasons, Darren and Karen can no longer play, so they just like to watch.

Jaycen, the youngest, has never played sport and spends most of his time these days in his room, playing World of Warcraft. Shyanne is almost 16 and played netball for one season when she was 10. When she’s not out and about with her friends, she likes to keep in touch with them on Facebook and her mobile phone. Shyanne is also an avid fan of our very own X Factor winner Altiyan Childs and has all his albums and an autographed photo of him driving his forklift. Although Karen won’t admit it, she really likes Altiyan too and listens to his music when Shyanne isn’t home.

Darren, or Daz to Karen, likes to have a drink when he’s watching his favourite sports on his pride and joy – a 152 inch 3D Plasma TV. He has his own fridge on the back verandah, full of his favourite brew, Redneck ™.

Karen, or Kaz to Darren, is a doyen of fashion and prides herself on her appearance. Karen also makes a lot of her own clothes to help with the family budget and she will be giving us an in depth analysis of the team uniforms of the various nations in the Opening Ceremony recap.

The Corkers have a next door neighbour Barry or Baz as he likes to be called. Baz, who doesn’t mind a beer either, calls in occasionally to watch sport with Darren. Barry also doesn’t mind drinking Darren’s Rednecks whenever he gets the chance. Darren calls Baz ‘Barry the Bludger’ behind his back and has recently put a hasp and staple and padlock on the beer fridge because he’s pretty sure Baz has been helping himself while he and Karen are out. Darren says Baz always seems to know when he buys another slab, even if he leaves it in the boot till it gets dark.

In terms of the Olympic Games, the Corkers have a few favourite events they like to watch and controversies they like to watch out for. One of their favourite pastimes during the games is sussing out which female contestants should be competing in the men’s events – the steroid sisters Karen calls them.

Darren enhances his viewing experience on the big screen by using an imaginary electronic visual aid called Crotch Cam©, which allows him to zoom in on the athletes’ private parts among other things, much like the real cameramen do. This up close and personal view enables him to describe the twitch of every sinew; the sparkle of every bead of sweat; the glare of floodlights off waxed and oiled thighs; the dank hair; the mental anguish; in fact he even imagines he can zoom in on the odour of the athlete’s joggers.

What the Corkers will be watching:

  • The Opening Ceremony – Karen especially loves all the pomp and hoopla and the Brits are very good at this, so she’s looking forward to it. She’s also excited about seeing what the teams are wearing for the London Games.
  • Weightlifting – they love the bulging muscles and other organs, the farting, the pain and the tears.
  • Synchronised swimming – Darren is a real fan and because it’s a women only sport, his pet name for it is ‘synchronised box stretching’. Crotch Cam comes in very handy for this event.
  • Gymnastics – Crotch Cam is useful here too, to pick out the real action on the circuit.
  • Hammer throw – they love seeing it go off course and nearly brain someone.
  • Cycling – their neighbour Baz is the real fan of this sport. He always says he’d like to be peddling behind some of those sheilas. Secretly he’d like to be a volunteer and wipe their bikes down when they finish a race. He’s got a thing about bicycle seats too.
  • Diving – it’s all about the drama for the Corkers. Watching those scores go up and down as each diver triumphs then bombs out.
  • Fencing – they’d rather see the contestants go at it with real swords though and without all those guards. The first time they ever saw this on the program they were surprised fencing had been made into an Olympic sport, because Darren had done a lot of it on the farm when he was growing up.
  • Wrestling – just for the sheer embarrassment of it.
  • Judo –  grabbing blokes by the lapels and swinging them around reminds Darren of big nights out with the boys when he played rugby.
  • Rowing and kayaking – the Corkers are worried another Aussie athlete will chuck the towel in and stop rowing in London. They love it when a kayaker goes arse up, too.
  • Archery –  for some reason they have formed the impression that this competition will take place in Sherwood Forest, near Nottingham.
  • Shooting –  there have  been a few drive- bys in their neighbourhood  recently, so seeing people being responsible with guns is a novel experience for the Corkers.

 

18 comments

1 Sioux Denim { 07.30.12 at 12:14 pm }

I just know I m going to like the Corkers……………..

2 Paul { 07.30.12 at 12:18 pm }

Sorry – it reads like one of those snobby Fairfax MC recaps.

3 Socs { 07.30.12 at 12:31 pm }

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Gold.

4 donae { 07.30.12 at 12:53 pm }

agree with Paul

5 Culinary Boner { 07.30.12 at 1:31 pm }

Can we have a special thread called “Ray Hadley Sucks”?

This boofhead, who single-handedly made the 9.30 NRL game on Channel 9 un-effing-watchable, has been given the task by Fox Sports of embarrassing our great nation on the international stage by calling this sport as if its a cross between the dogs at Wentworth park and a Gunnedah cattle auction.

He couldn’t even be bothered finding out the names of the swimmers. And then has the audacity to talk all over the top of his much more knowledgeable female co-commentators, including Susie O’Neill.

Wot a tool! The worst Olympics commentator since Daryl Eastlake. And that’s saying heaps.

6 Reality Raver { 07.30.12 at 1:34 pm }

What happened to Daryl Eastlake?

7 Karen { 07.30.12 at 1:39 pm }

Sorry Culinary Boner we don’t have pay TV. Daz and I are watching the games on the 9 Network.

8 Culinary Boner { 07.30.12 at 1:44 pm }

Good question Raver.
If I recall correctly there was an Olympics or Commonwealth games at which his noisy commentary had other nation’s commentators lodging official complaints.
I just looked him up on wikipedia and he’s retired and sad-to-say is suffering from Oldtimers Disease.

9 Culinary Boner { 07.30.12 at 1:46 pm }

Well then Kaz, you at least have Rabbits Warren, who despite his many flaws as a commentator, can’t be faulted for trying to get essential names and details right.

10 Karen { 07.30.12 at 2:03 pm }

Culinary Boner, as long as Rabbit’s sticks to the swimming and I don’t have to listen to his biased calling of the NRL I’m happy. I’m just glad Michael Slater didn’t get a mike.

11 Darren { 07.30.12 at 2:06 pm }

Yeah, but we’ve got Grant Hackett, who’s moved from smashing records to smashing furniture.

12 Gillian { 07.30.12 at 2:57 pm }

That was hilarious! They should have their own reality TV show. Thanks to The Corkers who are donating their time to write these recaps. I know I’m going to enjoy them. Is one of them BDD in disguise?

13 PollyB { 07.30.12 at 3:21 pm }

Big thanks to Kaz & Daz. I’m sure they’ll be providing great entertainment seeing as there is NOTHING ELSE TO WATCH cos all the other channels aren’t showing anything to compete with this crap. :)

14 Ruby { 07.30.12 at 3:34 pm }

Where can I get one of those pinups of Altijan on a forklift? Looks like a few of our swimmers might be asking him how to get a licence…..

15 Georgie { 07.30.12 at 8:34 pm }

Lmao – they sound like real winners.

16 Lebay { 07.31.12 at 6:16 am }

Daryl Eastlake is in a nursing home with dementia.

17 Joseph Skyrim { 07.31.12 at 8:29 am }

Fencing has been an olympic sport for ages (so has table tennis :P) and you have to remember it is still a somewhat dangerous for the competitors. However I agree that more weapons proficiencies should be allowed, especially with the new technologies coming out.

Rubber swords are being popular wherever there are LARPers, or you could use the wooden alternative like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cFGPCTMp2cw&feature=related

Or just go for the not-so real steel:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x4_2EFIpA24&feature=related

Don’t think they should be using this though (combat ready blades):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hfLZozBVpM

Lastly, because I like women twirling swords… here you go 😛

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MOEBCEMLJLw&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ZuQpRcAvf8&feature=fvwrel

18 Nike Air Force 1 Mid { 08.08.13 at 1:43 am }

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