House Rules – The Double Episode
Annajjj must be exhausted after last nights double episode. Fantastic effort and over to her:
Double episode tonight for NSW and QLD and we get all the rest of the SA renovation; apart from the last frantic hours or as Kel calls it “the curse of day 7” and the actual reveal which is on Monday.
Leighton and Reese are still over at Couples Counselling Camp where they seem to be tolerating each other quite well. So far they’ve successfully completed the Driving Long Distances Together and Boring Walks Along A Beach modules. Over the next four days they attempt the Repeatedly Wearing A Shirt The Other Person Hates unit and really these two will be ready for marriage before you know it.
Michelle and Kel are up before dawn to go on a road trip in search of pudding face sandstone bricks. They are worried about both being away from the house and how about just one of you go then?
Bossy Jane brings everyone together for a meeting so they can all be on the same page with the flow plan. It’s actually a good idea but she slightly spoils it with arm waving dramatics. I don’t know anything about renovating but I know about meetings she declares. The camera gets right up close and under Jane’s nostrils which isn’t necessary but is enjoyable as it makes her look completely mad.
Kelma and Louise are still on their road trip and they are still labouring under the illusion that they have a chance of being at the top of the leader board this week. They find sandstone but it’s wrong and then the quarry guy scratches the surface and no it’s actually perfect. They muck around a bit in delight and it’s Romancing the Stone in Adelaide. We love Kel and Michelle.
The boys are building a fireplace from scratch and Nick sends the feminine part of the team off to the shops while he demonstrates his own manliness by knocking down the lounge room walls.
Kel arrives back to find Barry has stooged him with measurements. Kel puts his foot down. He needs his water feature and he tries to reason with Barry Jnr who is pushing back. I badly want him to say “listen Baz you prick, it’s my goddam hallway and you’re not making it narrower and how about eff off” but instead Kel calls his supplier and gets him to reduce the width of the water feature. Pushy Barry Jnr gives him one of his special teamwork hugs.
Next up we get Plinth still banging on again about the doorway positioning with Seamy. Even though it’s nothing to do with them, Barry and Jemma get in on the action and have a grizzle to yard cam about the inflexibility of Seamy which upsets everyone on Facebook. Word of advice gice; don’t f**k with Australia’s sweethearts m’kay?
Jemma, Jane and Amy go shopping together for flooring and they share a bonding moment talking about how hard men are to live with. Jane, who is surely married to Australia’s most tolerant man, tries to threaten a salesman with Plinth’s possible mafia connections. Even she can’t keep a straight face at the image that invokes.
Back at the house Jemma and Barry have a disaster. The stone benchtop they want is out of budget. Barry won’t take no for an answer and its becoming clear that Barry’s modis operandi is to irritate other people to the point where they agree with what he wants just to get him to STFU.
McCrave-Burger is getting quite a lot of screen time this week. She’s over at Seamy’s zone today to grind down any confidence they might have developed. She doesn’t think they can fit everything into their ensuite but offers absolutely nothing in the way of advice or assistance. Thanks McCrave.
Nick is under pressure. He lends Kel his ladder then ramps up his unlikeability factor by bitching about Kel going over his 10 second allocation. In Leighton’s absence we have a new alpha dickhead in town. Nick declares he is the only person in this whole house who actually knows exactly what he is doing, and there are audible cheers from Adelaide when the plumber later tells him his fireplace won’t work.
Chris(tine) is back out shopping for couches and he is under pressure to get it right this time. A quick reminder of how wrong he got it at Jane and Plinth’s but to be fair there were minimal choices and a Danish art deco constraint in Tassie. Chris is still uncertain about his choices though. I’m a bloke he titters nervously to car cam, and I don’t know anything about cushions and lights etc.
Someone who does know design is Michelle. She’s remembered a tip from design school and has created a mood board. She goes off shopping, mood board in hand and she can’t believe it has taken her four renos to remember to make a mood board. I can’t either. Think of all the fun we could have had with that.
Jemma and Barry arrange to meet with the owner of the kitchen company to try and bully him into giving them for rock bottom prices. He agrees if Barry helps to install the kitchen but we aren’t given any idea of what rock bottom actually means.
Voiceover announces the hero of the lounge room has arrived and no. Just no. Don’t start introducing MKR catch phrases into this program, we’re doing fine without more wank-speak thanks. It’s a broken fireplace. Nick decides to upset his brother and enlists everyone else to play along that it can’t be replaced. It’s a pretty lame stitch up but we do get to see Chris break out in a cold sweat of panic so there’s that.
Over to Seamy and McCrave is back in the outfit she was wearing last episode and happily pointing out a few more issues. She tells them their toilet is in the wrong place but the plumbing and tiling is already done and frankly it’s a bit late in the piece for these criticisms helpful design hints McCravey. She moves off, her evil work done here and leaves Amy sobbing in her wake.
That night teams get some relaxation as Michelle and Kel are hosting a Hawaiian themed party and everyone seems to be really enjoying themselves. They are treated to Acoustic Kel: Live and Raw. He throws everything he has into his performance and, possibly because they are tanked up on wine, everyone loves it.
Next morning and it’s good to see Jane has recovered well from her crippling back injury. She leaps energetically from the car then trots up the driveway. Thanks Panadol®.
For some reason there is only one tiler in Adelaide who is allowed to set foot in this house and as he arrives the brothers grab him for their bathroom. Sean tries unsuccessfully to bribe him and why, when they only get 7 days to do the whole house, do we have to have these stupid constraints as well?
Jemma and Barry still have budget issues and it looks like they can’t have their bench top but baboumb it’s already done. Suck it up gice.
The rest of the country joins us at this point and we continue the House Rules marathon.
First off it seems Kel has killed the flow of the house by having his wall too short or too narrow. He gets told off by the young guys but says he doesn’t need anyone beating him up. He’s quite capable of beating himself thanks. Kel makes the painful decision to tear down the wall and rebuild it.
Over to Team Plinth and they are making the laundry in a cupboard which is a clever idea for a small space. Jane struggles with Tradie language. Cornice, plasterboard, powerpoint; its all a bit baffling really.
Sean is waiting for the tilers and doing a bit of measuring and Nick comes in to tease him. Nick reminds us that he knows everything about renovating and Sean is just an amateur. Three words Nick. Self. Levelling. Concrete.
Jemma is shopping with no money. For most people this is called window shopping but on House Rules apparently you can buy things even when you are completely broke. Wish they would tell us what the individual zone budgets are. She finds stools she likes and the saleswoman even throws in some mismatched red cushions.
Jane has learnt a new Tradie term – overflow. She tells us all about it in detail but she doesn’t have a clue what it looks like. There is a bit of hounding of Plinth about whether or not he ordered a sink with an overflow and it is patently obvious he didn’t but he tries to cover up.
Ad break which shows us the new judges for X-factor and that guy who sang Sexy and I Know It is apparently one of the judges. Kyle Sandilands, Guy Sebastien and now this guy. X-factor talent judge table is a talent vacuum.
New day breaks and Kel threatens to. He’s having major issues and fears he won’t finish in time. This revelation make Chris very happy because you always feel better when someone else is in trouble don’t you and tv remotes across Australia are flung with force at his head.
Nick has an old picture of Plinth printed on to a singlet with the words ‘In Like Plin’ on the back. Absolutely brilliant. Jane is delighted but Plinth is embarrassed and says it is the worst picture of him ever taken. Really Plinth? You look young, gorgeous and, as Kel pointed out, a bit Axl and it’s obviously taken well before marriage, age and life in general has sucked the very soul from you. Surely any picture taken in the last fifteen years is worse than this one.
Plinth has his moment of popularity cut short as his Big Mistake is discovered. He hasn’t checked the measurements of the down lights when they arrived and they are too small. Everyone goes into down light panic mode and makes simultaneous frantic calls to the same supplier which doesn’t help at all.
Next we get quick shots of people working hard and as much as I don’t want to pick on her* has anyone noticed there never any footage of Jane doing anything resembling hard work?
Kel notes that Seamy have abandoned their hairdryer and hired a blower heater. He orders one as well – it’s about 8 times quicker than using a hairdryer he tells us. And about 16 times quicker than using the diffuser attachment on your hairdryer Kel.
Back to Leighton and Reese who are still in zebra and lumberjack but they don’t add anything of value so moving on. Michelle’s water feature has arrived and oh dear I can’t look. It is…well ok it’s not the Crown Casino Fountain I was expecting but it is still a bit OTT for a little two bedroomed house.
Around the house mistakes are being noticed and rectified. Chris has tiled too far down and the floating floor won’t fit. Fortunately know it all Nick is able to fix it. Then the 90ml lights arrive and Plinth is forgiven. Amy’s sliding mirror feature goes in and let’s hope Reese doesn’t mind cleaning off fingerprints as there don’t appear to be any handles for sliding it open and closed.
Night falls and teams are still working and Jane is painting something so there. Nick coordinates a little Harlem shake with everyone and Amy is standing on her platform and looking way too practised at this. Everyone leaves but Kel who is determined to finish his entry tonight.
A new day and poor Kel is still asleep in the tent. Meanwhile Michelle assess what needs to be done in the guest room, everything, and mood boards aren’t helping now as she bravely unwraps a paint brush and makes a start.
Seamy arrive early to get the tilers before the boys arrive. Guess the roster system is not in play anymore? The brothers get unreasonably annoyed that Sean is doing the same mean trick they usually delight in.
Kel is now up but his eyes are red and he still looks exhausted. He has a coffee and a little think, starts getting upset and his wife comes out to see what is wrong. Just thinking about the kids he tells her. Well don’t, Michelle advises. Think of happier things. Like um your motorbike? We’ve still got five hours he reassures himself. Five hours and we can do it. But probably not if you keep sitting there having breakfast.
And that’s it. Two hours shot past and we’re back down to the last few hours before reveal. The previews show Leighton and Reese walking into the hallway and I’m not liking the expression on Reese’s face as she sees the Splash in the Entrance for the first time.
*Not true, I’m completely falling for the creative editing and I really like picking on Jane.