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Guest Post: The Bachelor – Last Three Girls

GidgetVonLaRue has been religiously watching The Bachelor and kindly offered a recap of the penultimate episode. Over to Gidget:

Wednesday night we saw the final three girls battle their dignity to win topless waiter bachelor Tim’s heart – or at least the lame ring he was supposedly designing. So they are saying he is a chiropractor now, but I have my doubts as he has handled every woman like they are grubs on a stick.  Let us not forget the very first episode where a buffet of hot young kind of desperate women rolled out of a car and first caught his attention. He looked at them not like a guy sizing them up for some loving, but as a guy thinking ‘I hope my hair still looks awesome and they think I’m gorgeous. Plus the fame…oh the fame…I’ll be so famous’.

Now many of you that read Reality Ravers blog right now are thinking ‘who the hell is this clown?’, so let me explain.  I’m Gidget Von Larue and I follow Emma – so there it is. Now buckle your seatbelts kids. There will be no red rose given out here. You might get a daisy – if you are lucky!

So Wednesday night started with a recap of Tim meeting the girl’s families. Seems Anna’s dad had enjoyed a few vino’s over dinner, but still made Tim nervous as Anna’s dad was really smart ‘n stuff! Let’s face it, all this expertise Tim has in all these areas the shows is bullcrap. And furthermore, squeezing the teet of a cow is something Tim is probably quite good at naturally – according to all the women he has previously slept with that are coming out of the wood work.  Also turns out Anna’s dad is not just a lawyer, he’s with the mafia ‘I know where you live’. Jesus, he may as well just say I know where your nanna’s retirement home is and I know how to turn off the machine keeping her alive!’ No wonder this poor girl has never had a boyfriend!

So finally after filling a few minutes of recap, tonight show starts. Hoorah! Dani is gone (or as I called her Billie Piper) If you don’t know who that is – look up Dr Who tarts. She wasn’t too upset. She got to final four and probably enough fame to get a spread in Zoo magazine so hoorah for her – I guess.

They continue to put Tim in fast cars and expensive boats to make out he’s some secret classy millionaire James Bond – but remember girls – he’s a topless stripper in a bar for old broads who are bored with their husbands and hens parties. First time he’s driven a car with a value over $55,000 was in this show!

So he begins with claiming he’s ‘so excited to spend this week with Ali, Rochelle and Anna’ when secretly he’s thinking ‘I’ll be able to get my top off on one of these dates – surely’. Now by this stage – 2 minutes into the show – Tim saying ‘I could be spending the rest of my life with one of these women’ is rubbing me up the wrong way so bad I want to reach through the TV screen and make him fat! We all know it’s a TV show, he’s a model/actor/man whore and at the end of the show this couple will not even go on a date let alone get engaged and marry. So drop the bullshit Tim. You are a terrible actor thus why the only media you have done prior to this is a Lifestyle channel commercial where you take off your top and flex your pec’s.

(Emma can install the Lifestyle video here of Tim as a fireman)

So Tim is now telling us about the “overnight dates where we get to spend the whole day and night together’ but turns out he spends the day and HALF the night together as he suddenly found morals under his bed and does not sleep with ANY of the three women. Must have wanted to race back to his own room and look up pictures of himself!

So first ‘non sex’ date is with Ali. They delight in showing Ali making the show’s first night attempted kiss on Tim, and Tim rejecting her like she’s a piece of poop on his shoe. And her story goes downhill from there. Poor Ali is keen for love. More than keen, she’s mental for love – for Tim – for SOMEONE TO HOLD HER TIGHT! For such a pretty girl she’s really sadly gone on this show to warn any further suitors to run the other way. Ali is a keen girl on Tim – enough so that last episode she exploded the “I love you” (with no response from Dim Tim) then didn’t take the hint and continued it like an explosion of desperation.  ‘She just hurt her leg in Broome and she’s still here’. Yes Tim, Ali would ‘be here’ if she was hacked to pieces with a chainsaw buddy. It’s not you, it’s just an available guy on a TV show. Don’t think even now she won’t feel the same for the next poor sod that wins her heart in one second.

So Ali actually awakes to reality and admits it was ‘kind of’ embarrassing to say she loves him when he didn’t return it while waiting in some bar for Tim to show up in his rental car. About time, but does that stop her – oh no! She’s like a robot becoming self-aware then suddenly the creator gets the machine back to its soul objective  – love Tim, no matter what. Funny how she’s impressed with ‘his’ Porsche when it’s rented by the show, but bless, she’s so delusional.  Then they drove into the Blue Mountains (we really must get that fence up) and oh, look – apples. Absolutely not set up at all aside from the fact there was a picnic SET UP for them. I also love how Tim makes out he got up early and made the cucumber sandwiches himself.  I did notice Tim never went around to open her door?  I don’t care if you are a Princess or crazy Ali – gentlemen open a ladies door on a date (eh not when we are married or living together – stuff that s**t)  Can I just say when I was Ali’s age and not quite as hot as her – I had men desiring me. Men had to fight for my affections – not the other way around. I was never desperate, I was just happy! My mum did something right!

So hands up who is buying Ali’s book on ‘Recipes for a Perfect Marriage’? Yeah, didn’t think so. I’m not sure I want to cook up ‘Stalking Stew’ anytime soon.

Ok I’ll skip to next date: Rochelle. So Rochelle has a wall, and that ‘wall’ seems to be when Tim found out she competed in beauty pageants even though he’s a male model? Tim did not like that. How dare she keep secrets from me even though I’m bull crapping about being a chiropractor! The bitch! But he’s willing to break down that wall even though she went quiet at her family dinner. How dare she be quiet as her father was talking?! What a snake! Was Timmy not getting enough compliments about how gorgeous and awesome he is? Oh pooky. So they take a hired boat to a remote beach around Sydney Harbour and eat nothing, but then put unknown notes into plastic bottles that are not allowed to pollute Sydney Harbour – but hey, it’s the bachelor, he can do what he wants! Turns out his note in his bottle was discovered on Watson’s Bay Beach:



Bless. So he also doesn’t root Rochelle – keeping his high morals above ground and moves onto Anna – the one we ALL guessed is going to be his pick. Anna is smart, savvy, attractive and has terrible choices in lipstick. Maybe her boozy dad picks her lipstick – who knows!? So now Dim Tim is pushing Anna to show him she loves him – pushing her to compliment him and desire him like some desperate fame & attention ho. Anna, being quite on the ball, tells Tim ‘You don’t also pick me, I pick you – if I don’t want that rose I can walk out that door’. She instantly became awesome to me… and I hope if he DOES pick her, she drops him then and there, tells him he’s a dick, throws the crappy badly designed ring in his face and walks off saying ‘I can do a lot better than you, douche bag’.

So one more episode to go! I hope to see you all next week – Wednesday night – for the AMAZING reveal of who Tim picks. I have feeling none of us will be surprised.




1 brain dead dave { 11.16.13 at 12:46 pm }

Your recap exposed Tim for all he’s not worth. Enjoyable read.

Loved the Stalking Stew. Wash it down with some of Ali’s Jealous Jelly.

2 daisy { 11.16.13 at 3:21 pm }

Yeah, you got a daisy.

Great recap Gidget.

3 Georgie { 11.16.13 at 4:38 pm }

Thanks Gidget – great recap. I would have liked to read your insights into some of the earlier roseless ladies.

Poor little Timmy needs feedback, so he can wisely decide who the unfortunate winner of his dubious prize will be. He has sprogged on repeatedly, about the perceived ‘walls’ and the failure of various ladies to ‘open up’, yet he has given them absolutely nothing back, that would help them do that. Occasionally he threw a morsel of encouragement in his to-camera pieces, but the ladies he alluded to each time are now gone, as are the ones who were ‘open and honest’.

What I find interesting – according to what Tim has said, the two remaining women have both failed to give him this most important feedback? Go figure.

4 Georgie { 11.16.13 at 4:47 pm }

Outside the Wall
(Roger Waters – Pink Floyd)

All alone, or in two’s,
The ones who really love you
Walk up and down outside the wall.
Some hand in hand
And some gathered together in bands.
The bleeding hearts and artists
Make their stand.

And when they’ve given you their all
Some stagger and fall, after all it’s not easy
Banging your heart against some mad bugger’s wall.

5 lovebunny { 11.16.13 at 5:09 pm }

Never underestimate the man wanting the chase Georgie.
The harder they are to get, the more he will want them.
It’s no surprise the two that held back and remained somewhat restrained are still there.

Sorry I guess that isn’t all men.

6 Georgie { 11.16.13 at 5:18 pm }

I get you lovebunny but there were other ladies eliminated because they held back; wouldn’t open up; put up walls etc. Just saying he’s not consistent with his reasons and gives them no indication of what’s going on inside his balding pate.

7 lovebunny { 11.16.13 at 5:41 pm }

Maybe he was just fishing for compliments:
“Tell me what it is you like about me.”
He said it was so they could show that they knew who he was but maybe he just liked hearing the compliments. He had already sucked Ali dry.

I feel as if none of us got to see who Tim was, and yet in some ways we know him too intimately.

8 brain dead dave { 11.16.13 at 5:50 pm }

Tim’s had weeks to show us who he is ~ and he’s put up more walls than a bricklayer.

9 Georgie { 11.16.13 at 6:03 pm }

Yers ladies, if you want to know who I am, click-a-dick:

10 lovebunny { 11.16.13 at 8:45 pm }

Perhaps that was what he was waiting for them to mention.

Call me old fashioned but I would be confused as what to do do with three. Even the lovebunny would have to ask, “Now how are we going to do this? One at a time?”

11 Littlepetal { 11.17.13 at 9:41 am }

So they are filming The Bachelor Australia: After the Final Rose tomorrow. Hopefully some of the ladies would say the truth about Tim.

12 Ali { 11.17.13 at 11:17 am }

Forget Syria. Tim: stripper or not? That’s MY pressing question.

Anna’s lawyer dad raised the subject during the last episode when he put to Tim that there were rumours he was a stripper at a friend’s hens night. Is there any truth to that? Tim emphatically replied “No”. That’s because he wasn’t a “stripper”, he was a “topless entertainer” doing “modelling and promotional work” at hens nights, possibly as “a sailor, doctor, teacher, cop, gladiator, lifesaver; painted gold, adorned with feathers or glitter; scrawled on or daubed; in a cage, on a podium.”

So no – definitely not “stripper”.

Splitting hairs? That’s a lawyer’s bread and butter. I wondered whether Legal Dad framed the issue with that specific wording so Tim could answer No to the letter (if not the spirit) of the question. So Legal Dad appears to be talking tough, Tim dodges a (rubbery) bullet and everyone’s happy with the Charade. And Anna is able to move into the Finale.

Legal Dad was very “hammy”, which goes well with Tim’s cheesiness, but as a “grilling” it was (to quote Paul Keating), “like being flogged with a warm lettuce.” Resulting in underdone beefcake that makes me feel like spitting, not swallowing.

Legal Dad did raise an interesting point that the contestants may have been in a Stockholm Syndrome-inducing situation, forcibly ensconced in the house so that they came to see Tim as more attractive. Except they do have contact with other production/film crew during day-long shoots – and there is Osher. Is he off limits or does he get to “console” the ladies on their way out? On Osher’s website there is a picture of him bicycling with Ron Burgundy and Daft Punk ( Why wasn’t he The Bachelor? Maybe Legal Dad meant was that the women had no internet access in the house and so couldn’t Google-stalk Tim to discover his past – like a normal date would.

They could co-opt the song On The Inside (Prisoner Cell-block H Theme) (with a little rewrite):

He used to give me roses,
I wish he could again;
But that was on the INSIDE,
And things were different then.

Funny how that episode was billed as two hot-shot dads who know how to ask pertinent questions (Rochelle’s father was once WA Policeman of the Year and she said he had “maybe” already done a background check on Tim) yet the gnarly issue of all those near-naked photos floating around in cyberspace (including posing for the cover of a gay mag) has never been raised on the program. The only thing I feel I don’t know about Tim is whether he’s been circumcised – three times.

Yep, The Bachelor: putting the Un-reality into Reality TV.

13 Ali { 11.17.13 at 11:36 am }

RR – did you get my post? It has not appeared

14 Calorie Loader { 11.18.13 at 3:46 am }

Good recap Gidget :)
Lol-I knew Dani looked familiar-very good likeness to Billie Piper! Wasn’t sure about Dani, but she grew on me a lot when it was time to leave, and Tim says, ‘I’ll walk you out” and she raises her eyebrows and says, ‘yeah’….don’t

Does Tim have trouble keeping count of how many women are left? Maybe I heard wrong but I’m sure that more than once he kept referring to the three women he was dating or three other women whilst being WITH Ali on a date speaking like she’s not there, ‘because I’m dating three women I can’t let myself feel too much or tell you how I feel..but they must tell me or they’re gone…but not too strongly or they’re also gone…’

Anna was smart to answer Tim’s questions like a politician if he’s not giving anything, and she says at one point, ‘I want to be with SOMEONE at the end of this’-doesn’t say

Tim’s compliment fishing hit an all time high this episode,
‘I need you to list what you love about me to show you know who I am’..
“I need to know she’s possibly falling in love with me because of who I am.” Who is that exactly Tim? You’ve done the best job revealing’re better than the lawyer!!

After ‘designing a ring’ Tim says, ‘I never thought I’d feel the way I’m feeling right now’..which is that I can’t let myself feel anything ’cause it wouldn’t be fair to the other three girls..OTHER 3, how many girls are we up to now?

Good luck to the ring designer who was provided with very vivid imagery of what he wanted, ‘I don’t know which girl I like, if I’ll end up with any of em..but it needs to really show how we feel about each other…actually it might help if you would list the things that are amazing about me…no, it really needs to be in words!!
I would love to see the look on a shop keepers face if someone walked into a shop without cameras for a show, and started designing a ring with, ‘oh no, I haven’t met her yet…’

Funny when Tim was saying how good it was to have the one on one time with Rochelle on the boat, and they start kissing….cut to the captain right behind them with a full view.

Also I think the way gentleman Tim left the injured Ali unassisted half way up the stairs pretty much said it all…although it probably needed to be done to give the full B&theB experience to viewers

15 Andrea { 11.18.13 at 7:31 am }

Calorie loader, your comments are spot on, I also noticed how Tim kept referring to his “three girls”, and constantly was fishing for compliments from them to boost his ego.

I doubt that he is sincere about any of them and we have learnt absolutely nothing more about him, he needs to “open up more”, what an arrogant man he is.

Anna will never bow and scrape to him, wheras Ali would have done anything for him but he still broke her heart and walked away without a care in the world, the least he could have done was to help her out of the place!

16 little woodstock { 11.18.13 at 9:13 am }

Good comment Calorie Girl. It’s what Georgie has said; Tim has been very inconsistent. And yeah, “List my good qualities”. Oh dear.

I might try it on the hubby. I’ll get back to you on that one.

17 Maz { 11.18.13 at 9:44 am }
18 little woodstock { 11.18.13 at 9:58 am }

Ha ha. I thought I would just get a grunt but top two were:
You keep the house clean.
You have a sense of style.

I wish I had asked twenty years ago so I could compare.

19 little woodstock { 11.18.13 at 10:20 am }

That’s what Anna and Rochelle should have said, “YOU list what you like about me”.

20 Calorie Loader { 11.18.13 at 3:37 pm }

#15 and 16, Thanks Gice :)

He gets rid of the only girl willing to take on the world’s largest sausage…on seeing the feast Tim asks, ‘what’s this?’ and Ali replies, ‘what, you don’t recognize it?-that’s you babe..just all three of you joined together’

I just realised why he was so reluctant to go on the all night dates…nothing to do with morals, and everything to do with leaving his three pronged surprise for the lucky winner that has been recorded saying she’ll accept his rose.

In fact, Tim reminds me a bit of Ed from BB in that they are both quite hung up on keeping up moral and gentleman-like appearances, and in doing so think they get a free pass to treat their women however they see fit.

Interesting that the two girls left are those who have fathers connected to upholding the law. It didn’t matter if Tim was not truthful or forthcoming in answering Anna’s fathers questions-he made him look like a dick all the same. I’m sure he was counting on him giving those answers, and so he put forward a great case that needed no answers. Stockholm syndrome-at first seems like a bit left field, but on closer inspection quite a good analogy…just watch how he has all 3 of them begging in those final plea videos (2 of which seemed to have done a complete 180 since their dates).

Don’t think any of the parents approved, and their amazing turn around in attitude by the end of his visit would have been a result of the crew saying, ‘we are going to keep shooting this scene until you ‘accept’ him…your choice how long you want to spend with this geeza.’ If they all kicked him to the curb as they would have liked, it would have made for a short lived series and no more highly anticipated rose ceremonies…Osher really would have been the last recipient.

Rochelle’s Dad had his own more subtle way of grilling, ‘so Tim, what do you do for a crust?’ Tim-, ‘I’m a Chiropractor’
Dad, ‘no I said how do you make your money? keep in mind I have already done a PNC check and seen THAT photo’

Who will he choose in the final? Whichever father he thinks will give those dried prunes less of a wringing…

21 Littlepetal { 11.18.13 at 9:09 pm }
22 Ali { 11.19.13 at 5:47 pm }

Thanks for the link with photos. I can see that Ali’s previous “partner” Humphrey B. Bear has a shnoz that’s almost as big as Tim’s. No wonder Ali is so attracted to Tim.

23 Ali { 11.19.13 at 6:15 pm }

Humphrey B Bear Vs Tim

Humphrey’s all male – he’s proud of his hairy legs, hairy back, hairy crack. He’s no waxed metrosexual.

Tim obviously LOVES posing topless, but Humphrey goes one better – he’s trouserless. Can Tim do that?

Humphrey B Bear knows how to keep his mouth shut – he’s a great listener.

From a previous thread:

Vlad vs Tim

Even though Vlad may be “Putin it on” as a Bachelor, Tim trowels on the BS even thicker than Joan River’s makeup.

Also Vlad speaks seven languages and has appeared in as many, if not MORE topless shots than Tim. Who knew that was even possible?

Compared to ex KGB Vladimir Putin and Humphrey B Bear as The Bachelor, Tim is still found wanting.