Guest Post: Survivor Brawns v Beauty v Brains
Gidgit VonLarue kindly offered to recap Survivor this season, beware if you don’t like snark it might be best not to read:
Hi, Gidgit VonLarue here to report for Reality Ravings for the 2014 first episode of the new season of Survivor. After watching 27 seasons of this show I feel I’m quite well versed on the Survivor world so here we go. So this year’s new season is yet again based on a tropical island (somewhere cheap is preferred) that of course is raining 90% of the time, is covered in biting bugs and where no one can catch a fish even when they win fishing gear and are given a boat. (What is with that? From memory the only players that made use of the VERY handy fishing gear were Rupert and Yauman)
The three groups are brought in by boat, jeep thingie and chopper (get to the chopper!). The brawn are in the jeep. They are:
Trish – Pilates Instructer: Guessing mid 50’s, way too thin – but she was great as the creature in the attic in the movie REC.
Lindsay – Hairstylist: Mid 20’s, dreadlocks, hippie with tattoos. Who would go to a hairdresser that has smelly rank dreadlocks is beyond me!
Tony – Cop: Although he’s determined not to tell anyone he’s a cop because – ummm – no damn idea. Who cares? So you shoot bad guys. Not like you have an advantage unless the show gave you all guns!
Cliff Robinson – Ex pro famous basketball player: He’s going to be the ‘nice’ guy of the group so instantly Tony can’t stand him.
Yung ‘Woo’ Hwang – Martial Arts Instructor: Fit awesome Asian dude who can kick your ass. He’s winning – calling it now.
Sarah – Police Officer: I like this girl. She spotted Frank was a cop in the first second but of course he’s all ‘nah, I’m a builder’. Sarah ‘I know he’s lying – he’s a cop’. Love her!
So as someone that will always go for brain over brawn or beauty – I was excited there was a ‘nerd’ team that I could root for. Alas it turns out they are possibly the dumbest team to EVER have competed on Survivor! So much for all that study! The morons that are meant to be smart are:
David – Sports Manager: David thinks he is pwning this game the minute they come face to face with Jeff. He’s not. Far from it!
Garrett – Pro poker player: Not sure how playing poker makes you a genius – 60% of it is pure luck! Sadly Garrett has no luck as he’s a big old beefy moron – but at least he found that all important immunity idol huh! Hahahahahahahaha! (wipes tears of laughter from face)
Kass – Attorney: Kass is pretty smart, but she’s like a fish in a bowl of salt in this game. She is maybe TOO smart for this game, but seems not much common sense.
J’Tia – Nuclear Engineer: From watching this first episode, J’Tia is about equal in smarts regarding her job as Denise Richards Nuclear Scientist job in The World is Not Enough. Oh and shock, she can’t swim.
Latassha – Accountant: Must have got her degree at the school for very simple degrees to get…if that exists. Eh it’s America, I’m sure it does. An Aussie 10 year old could pass these college degrees in America it seems.
Spencer – Economic student: He’s laying low but I think I’m going to wind up feeling sorry for this kid for being on this idiot team.
So that is the ‘brain’ team – which in Survivor terms means useless morons. To give you a rough idea – the BEAUTY team made fire first day with no flint, just going back to stick rubbing basics. Brains team had to wait to get a flint. Yep. And Kass wears glasses. Hey you know what they can also be used for with a sun in the sky! We all learnt that damn process in school! What are they teaching in America? Only one person in the entire history of Survivor used their glasses with the sun to start a fire – Yauman!
“Yeah bitches, I’m smarter than everyone!”
So the third team are the beauties. They are all attractive I guess aside from Brice. Not saying he’s an ugly black man, but he’s no Denzel Washington so not sure what he’s doing on this team? But he’s camp as hell so I think I’m going to like him. There is also a dude called LJ who looks like a beefier Jon Hamm so he’s all good in my books.
The show starts with the usual ‘twist’ of picking a captain from each objective team – then the captain has to pick the weakest who are sent to the camp grounds where they are given an option – another bag of rice or clue to the immunity idol. The ‘brains’ team captain David picks the fittest looking big dude to boot out. Already they are showing they are thick as shit. But turns out big old fit Garrett is one of those ‘mirror muscles’ – looks fit but it’s all show. He squeals like a little girl and is gay gay gay. Pretty sure David is too. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!
I can’t help but think that Jeff (the best host on earth) is by now is sick of this whole thing. You do the same job for over 9 years (which is my cut off point) one has to be getting bored of it, no matter how much you are paid. Last few seasons it’s felt like he’s ‘phoning it in’. Just my view.
So the rejects are sent on their way. Brawn reject Trish is picked, as well as Garrett from Brain and Morgan from Beauty – ex cheerleader and I might say – hot body! My partner Colonel Kickhead STRONGLY agrees.
The show is quick as usual to show us all the nasty critters living in the area including a really scary looking thick necked snake – not that they really ever encounter the survivors aside from rats and bugs. But it’s good to know the big nasty things are out there I guess. I’m never sure why they don’t hunt some of the critters for food. Possum is damn good eating…I hear.
So Trish skips the immunity clue and goes with second bag of rice (dumb) and Garrett from brains goes with finding immunity (and actually finds it – wow he just might be smart) and finally beauty Morgan picks finding the immunity idol but cannot find it. To be fair she does make up the best excuse when her beauty team returns after they catch her looking out at the rocks around the beach. She uses the already supplied supplies and says she picked those, rather than shelter, and was out on the rocks looking for food. Turns out beauty is brains – and brains are just….well dumb. Beauties, as I’ve said, also start their own fire and build the best shelter. That whole judging a book by its cover – or contents it seems – is untrue.
I did notice the show blurs out Garrett’s crouch. Is his package so big it is offensive? I mean he’s not walking around wangling his doodle like a samurai sword. Ah America – will show the worst violence in the world – but hint of a big dong – BLUR IT! (Don’t get me wrong, I do love America. They say ‘you’re welcome’ all the time. It’s so cute)
Ok so it’s a long show tonight, so I’ll have to edit this down – oops too late. Anyway, both beauty and brawn do a good job at setting up camp – MEANWHILE in brains, J’Tia – being a nuclear engineer thinks due to that job she also has chippie and architecture skills and instructs her team how to build a shelter. It’s a complete disaster of course as you cannot build a 6 story complex with bamboo stumps in sand it turns out! Who would have thought? And turns out J’Tia doesn’t ‘do’ physical labor. She admits she’s bossy, but I thought this team was meant to be the smart ones. Why not question her terrible design. A 5 year old could design a better tree house than her. Oh by the way – anyone notice there is actually no bamboo growing on the island, so it must be put there by the show in piles in the shrubbery. So the brains shelter is a disaster. Where is Boston Rob when you need him? Guy built a god damn Swiss Family Robinson mansion with a god damn bamboo lift on his season! (ok slight exaggeration)
First challenge is another one of those ‘complex wagon with chests, getting over obstacles working out a puzzle’ type deals. Reward is a fancy fire making kit, second tribe to finish gets just a flint. Funny thing is beauties win and they already have fire. Oh did I spoil the end of the challenge? Of course not. You would not be reading if you did not watch it – or would you?
Anyway, turns out the brains could not work out how to take chains off a chest plus Latasha and J’Tia literally do nothing the entire challenge. Latasha looks like she’s filing her nails. So ‘brains’ lose and have to go to kick off. They blind side David, which turns out to be a HUGE mistake as next challenge turns out J’Tia not only cannot swim, but has no idea how to put puzzle pieces in a puzzle. Even with J’Tia having a major tantrum after finding out she is going to be booted and she pours the entire bag of rice into the fire, second elimination they boot Garrett because, well he’s a dickhead who cannot keep his mouth shut!
I will say it was interesting with Jeff in the first challenge saying the brains team are so far behind ‘it’s the worst performance he’s seen ever in Survivor history’. One, I doubt that very much. Plus second challenge the beauties are miles behind and his comment are ‘come on beauties, you are still in it, you can still win’etc. I think Jeff is a tad bias towards hot girls perhaps? I can’t blame him for disliking the brains team, but he’s the host. He’s meant to be fair.
So second elimination is weird to say the least! Garrett had insisted on having a ‘group forum’ on who was doing on their second defeat which was made most uncomfortable, especially with J’Tia’s new best buddy Latasha who REALLY wants to ‘play the game of Survivor’ by scheming. Now remember Garrett has the immunity idol. Just reminding you, because what happens next is reality gold! They go to meet Jeff for 2nd elimination, Garrett runs his mouth even though J’Tia has poured ALL their rice into the fire like a spoilt horrible child. Well turns out Garrett is the next to go after David is booted from the brains team. Turns out Garrett does NOT have the numbers and is also blind sided – taking his immunity idol with him because the stupid moron didn’t even BRING IT TO THE ELIMINATION! He was SO confident he had left it back at camp! Who does that? So he got to take it home with him! Guess one immunity idol for sale on Ebay?
It’s certainly going to be an interesting season. Nice having no returning players I will say. And my prediction is the brains team will get annihilated and the brawn and beauties will wallow in their dismal desolation. I would have gone into more detail with the beauty team but seriously the whole show was really the brain team and how useless and dumb they are!
And how J’Tia was kept over David & Garrett (she can’t swim, she’s bossy, she’s lazy and she cannot work out puzzles) just shows how thick they all really are! Bit of a worry when the beauty team is smarter than the ‘brainy’ team! Go my pretties – fly, fly!
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Gidgit VonlaRue @gidgetvonlarue