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Guest Post: Survivor Brawns v Beauty v Brains

Gidgit VonLarue kindly offered to recap Survivor this season, beware if you don’t like snark it might be best not to read:

Hi, Gidgit VonLarue here to report for Reality Ravings for the 2014 first episode of the new season of Survivor. After watching 27 seasons of this show I feel I’m quite well versed on the Survivor world so here we go. So this year’s new season is yet again based on a tropical island (somewhere cheap is preferred) that of course is raining 90% of the time, is covered in biting bugs and where no one can catch a fish even when they win fishing gear and are given a boat. (What is with that? From memory the only players that made use of the VERY handy fishing gear were Rupert and Yauman)

The three groups are brought in by boat, jeep thingie and chopper (get to the chopper!). The brawn are in the jeep. They are:

Trish – Pilates Instructer: Guessing mid 50’s, way too thin – but she was great as the creature in the attic in the movie REC.

Lindsay – Hairstylist: Mid 20’s, dreadlocks, hippie with tattoos. Who would go to a hairdresser that has smelly rank dreadlocks is beyond me!

Tony – Cop: Although he’s determined not to tell anyone he’s a cop because – ummm – no damn idea. Who cares? So you shoot bad guys. Not like you have an advantage unless the show gave you all guns!

Cliff Robinson – Ex pro famous basketball player: He’s going to be the ‘nice’ guy of the group so instantly Tony can’t stand him.

Yung ‘Woo’ Hwang – Martial Arts Instructor: Fit awesome Asian dude who can kick your ass. He’s winning – calling it now.

Sarah – Police Officer: I like this girl. She spotted Frank was a cop in the first second but of course he’s all ‘nah, I’m a builder’. Sarah ‘I know he’s lying – he’s a cop’. Love her!

survivor

So as someone that will always go for brain over brawn or beauty – I was excited there was a ‘nerd’ team that I could root for. Alas it turns out they are possibly the dumbest team to EVER have competed on Survivor! So much for all that study!  The morons that are meant to be smart are:

David – Sports Manager: David thinks he is pwning this game the minute they come face to face with Jeff. He’s not. Far from it!

Garrett – Pro poker player: Not sure how playing poker makes you a genius – 60% of it is pure luck! Sadly Garrett has no luck as he’s a big old beefy moron – but at least he found that all important immunity idol huh! Hahahahahahahaha! (wipes tears of laughter from face)

Kass – Attorney: Kass is pretty smart, but she’s like a fish in a bowl of salt in this game. She is maybe TOO smart for this game, but seems not much common sense.

J’Tia – Nuclear Engineer: From watching this first episode, J’Tia is about equal in smarts regarding her job as Denise Richards Nuclear Scientist job in The World is Not Enough. Oh and shock, she can’t swim.

Latassha – Accountant: Must have got her degree at the school for very simple degrees to get…if that exists. Eh it’s America, I’m sure it does. An Aussie 10 year old could pass these college degrees in America it seems.

Spencer – Economic student: He’s laying low but I think I’m going to wind up feeling sorry for this kid for being on this idiot team.

So that is the ‘brain’ team – which in Survivor terms means useless morons. To give you a rough idea – the BEAUTY team made fire first day with no flint, just going back to stick rubbing basics. Brains team had to wait to get a flint. Yep. And Kass wears glasses. Hey you know what they can also be used for  with a sun in the sky! We all learnt that damn process in school! What are they teaching in America? Only one person in the entire history of Survivor used their glasses with the sun to start a fire – Yauman!

“Yeah bitches, I’m smarter than everyone!”

So the third team are the beauties. They are all attractive I guess aside from Brice. Not saying he’s an ugly black man, but he’s no Denzel Washington so not sure what he’s doing on this team? But he’s camp as hell so I think I’m going to like him. There is also a dude called LJ who looks like a beefier Jon Hamm so he’s all good in my books.

The show starts with the usual ‘twist’ of picking a captain from each objective team – then the captain has to pick the weakest who are sent to the camp grounds where they are given an option – another bag of rice or clue to the immunity idol. The ‘brains’ team captain David picks the fittest looking big dude to boot out. Already they are showing they are thick as shit. But turns out big old fit Garrett is one of those ‘mirror muscles’ – looks fit but it’s all show. He squeals like a little girl and is gay gay gay. Pretty sure David is too. Not that there’s anything wrong with that!

I can’t help but think that  Jeff (the best host on earth) is by now is sick of this whole thing. You do the same job for over 9 years (which is my cut off point) one has to be getting bored of it, no matter how much you are paid. Last few seasons it’s felt like he’s ‘phoning it in’. Just my view.

So the rejects are sent on their way. Brawn reject Trish is picked, as well as Garrett from Brain and Morgan from Beauty – ex cheerleader and I might say – hot body! My partner Colonel Kickhead STRONGLY agrees.

The show is quick as usual to show us all the nasty critters living in the area including a really scary looking thick necked snake – not that they really ever encounter the survivors aside from rats and bugs. But it’s good to know the big nasty things are out there I guess. I’m never sure why they don’t hunt some of the critters for food. Possum is damn good eating…I hear.

So Trish skips the immunity clue and goes with second bag of rice (dumb) and Garrett from brains goes with finding immunity (and actually finds it – wow he just might be smart) and finally beauty Morgan picks finding the immunity idol but cannot find it. To be fair she does make up the best excuse when her beauty team returns after they catch her looking out at the rocks around the beach. She uses the already supplied supplies and says she picked those, rather than shelter, and was out on the rocks looking for food. Turns out beauty is brains – and brains are just….well dumb. Beauties, as I’ve said, also start their own fire and build the best shelter. That whole judging a book by its cover – or contents it seems – is untrue.

I did notice the show blurs out Garrett’s crouch. Is his package so big it is offensive? I mean he’s not walking around wangling his doodle like a samurai  sword. Ah America – will show the worst violence in the world – but hint of a big dong – BLUR IT! (Don’t get me wrong, I do love America. They say ‘you’re welcome’ all the time. It’s so cute)

Ok so it’s a long show tonight, so I’ll have to edit this down – oops too late. Anyway, both beauty and brawn do a good job at setting up camp – MEANWHILE in brains, J’Tia – being a nuclear engineer thinks due to that job she also has chippie and architecture skills and instructs her team how to build a shelter. It’s a complete disaster of course as you cannot build a 6 story complex with bamboo stumps in sand it turns out! Who would have thought? And turns out J’Tia doesn’t ‘do’ physical labor. She admits she’s bossy, but I thought this team was meant to be the smart ones. Why not question her terrible design. A 5 year old could design a better tree house than her. Oh by the way – anyone notice there is actually no bamboo growing on the island, so it must be put there by the show in piles in the shrubbery.  So the brains shelter is a disaster. Where is Boston Rob when you need him? Guy built a god damn Swiss Family Robinson mansion with a god damn bamboo lift on his season! (ok slight exaggeration)

First challenge is another one of those ‘complex wagon with chests, getting over obstacles working out a puzzle’ type deals. Reward is a fancy fire making kit, second tribe to finish gets just a flint. Funny thing is beauties win and they already have fire. Oh did I spoil the end of the challenge? Of course not. You would not be reading if you did not watch it – or would you?

Anyway, turns out the brains could not work out how to take chains off a chest plus Latasha and J’Tia literally do nothing the entire challenge. Latasha looks like she’s filing her nails. So ‘brains’ lose and have to go to kick off. They blind side David, which turns out to be a HUGE mistake as next challenge turns out J’Tia not only cannot swim, but has no idea how to put puzzle pieces in a puzzle. Even with J’Tia having a major tantrum after finding out she is going to be booted and she pours the entire bag of rice into the fire, second elimination they boot Garrett because, well he’s a dickhead who cannot keep his mouth shut!

I will say it was interesting with Jeff in the first challenge saying the brains team are so far behind ‘it’s the worst performance he’s seen ever in Survivor history’. One, I doubt that very much. Plus second challenge the beauties are miles behind and his comment are ‘come on beauties, you are still in it, you can still win’etc. I think Jeff is a tad bias towards hot girls perhaps? I can’t blame him for disliking the brains team, but he’s the host. He’s meant to be fair.

So second elimination is weird to say the least! Garrett had insisted on having a ‘group forum’ on who was doing on their second defeat which was made most uncomfortable, especially with J’Tia’s new best buddy Latasha who REALLY wants to ‘play the game of Survivor’ by scheming. Now remember Garrett has the immunity idol. Just reminding you, because what happens next is reality gold! They go to meet Jeff for 2nd elimination, Garrett runs his mouth even though J’Tia has poured ALL their rice into the fire like a spoilt horrible child. Well turns out Garrett is the next to go after David is booted from the brains team. Turns out Garrett does NOT have the numbers and is also blind sided – taking his immunity idol with him because the stupid moron didn’t even BRING IT TO THE ELIMINATION! He was SO confident he had left it back at camp! Who does that? So he got to take it home with him! Guess one immunity idol for sale on Ebay?

J Tia

It’s certainly going to be an interesting season. Nice having no returning players I will say. And my prediction is the brains team will get annihilated and the brawn and beauties will wallow in their dismal desolation. I would have gone into more detail with the beauty team but seriously the whole show was really the brain team and how useless and dumb they are!

And how J’Tia was kept over David & Garrett (she can’t swim, she’s bossy, she’s lazy and she cannot work out puzzles) just shows how thick they all really are! Bit of a worry when the beauty team is smarter than the ‘brainy’ team! Go my pretties – fly, fly!

Feel free to follow me on twitter – just know I’m not very nice!

Gidgit VonlaRue @gidgetvonlarue

45 comments

1 cam2 { 02.28.14 at 2:37 pm }

looks like this will be a good season!
so far am rooting for the brawn team. tony looks like a beefier donnie wahlberg so ill happily join him in his spy shack.

garrett was total disappointment. ‘Mirror muscles’ sums it up perfectly. absolutely nothing attractive about his personality. He looked physically stronger than everyone, yet in reality he was physically and mentally weaker than everyone. looks like david got his pick right, and garrett was exactly one of those guys he described as ‘looking like they can get the job done, but put them on the plate and they can’t follow through’.

2 Georgie { 02.28.14 at 2:49 pm }

I’d love to watch this series but GO don’t bother with captions so that’s me out. What do a few hearing impaired viewers matter in the scheme of things anyway – unless you are one?

3 brain dead dave { 02.28.14 at 2:54 pm }

Lindsay the hairstylist would be packing what the original wearers of dreads call “Gucci dreads”. Rastafarians adhere to a strict hygiene regimen as part of their religion and bathe and wash their dreads often.

I recall Big Brother 2007 and the numerous complaints of the stench from the Gucci dreads of housemate Rory. Would be giving Lindsay a wide berth if I wanted to “survive”.

Thanks Gidget.Fun and well written read, even though I don’t watch the show ,usually as I’m burned out from other shows. Captions would be great as I’d mute the mindless dialogue and play music over proceedings.

4 PollyB { 02.28.14 at 3:01 pm }

Aargh I didn’t know it was on. Damn.

5 daisy { 02.28.14 at 3:22 pm }

GVL, someone I know who studied here and in the US told me degrees in the US are east to get.

Favourite line came from Kass, re wanting to see the data used to select the brains. Hillarious buffoons team.

6 Gidgitvonlarue { 02.28.14 at 3:35 pm }

Yes when Kass said that she went up in my books – plus I like her honesty but I think she’s a goner. I think they all are!

I had a friend who did her later half of high school in San Franciso and she said they were studying at a 7th grade Australian level. Gah wish I went to school in America! I’d get more than C-‘s all the time!

7 daisy { 02.28.14 at 3:38 pm }

GVL, someone I know who studied here and in the US told me degrees in the US are east to get.

Favourite line came from Kass, re wanting to see the data used to select the brains. Hillarious buffoons team.
It goes to show being smart doesn’t mean you’re always smart at everything and vv for being dumb.

8 daisy { 02.28.14 at 3:53 pm }

That’s a real bummer Georgie. It would be good to have you.
BDD, I didn’t know you watched. I hope you stay.

Start walking again today guys. Step, clump, step, clump atm. No more pram. Damn it.

9 Rosie { 02.28.14 at 4:00 pm }

Thanks for that, Gidgit!

My best laugh ( and there were many last night) came early in the show when economics student Spencer seemed to think being a chess player made him all clever an’ everyfing. He’s even shared a win in a chess tournament once, oh my golly gee gosh! Now I have been a “chess widow” for more years than I care to contemplate, and I can tell you that being able to play chess well does not necessarily fit you to do anything else. I personally know at least one former Queensland champion who was pretty much unemployable. And even my beloved My Rosie, who has won several chess tournaments and can do lots of things on his own, would never dream of trying someting like Survivor. In fact he laughed even louder than I did at Spencer.
[end rant]

10 Georgie { 02.28.14 at 4:06 pm }

Good one Daisy, hope you’re healing well. That step, clump, must sound like Captain Ahab coming! 😆

http://farm8.static.flickr.com/7076/7240704294_37de1dfdce_m.jpg

11 daisy { 02.28.14 at 4:11 pm }

Just like that, Georgie, but other eye, and hunch back. Looking for work in a bell tower. :)

12 Andrea { 02.28.14 at 5:10 pm }

very good job Gidgit, I enjoyed reading that.
Loved Survivor last night, so refreshing not having any returning players this time.
Tony probably didn’t want anyone to know he was a cop in case they thought he had good detective skills, I can’t think of any other reason that they shouldn’t know.
And J’Tia, nuclear scientist! Unbelievable, and why the others didn’t kick her out for, firstly mucking up the puzzle when they were miles ahead, and secondly, throwing all the rice on the fire should have been instant dismissal. They can’t have someone who is so spiteful she destroys the food supply!

13 emp { 02.28.14 at 5:14 pm }

I am waiting for the Brains tribe to get Matsing-ed and get absorbed by the other two. Not quite sure if they will be able to survive much longer in challenges with people like J’Tia being all crazy.

I actually didn’t mind Garrett but not a fan of his whining about not wanting to ‘play’ the game of Survivor. It’s what you signed up for mate. Also a waste of an idol.

Dude cop made a mistake by not telling chick cop the truth about his career, I reckon she”ll target him in the future. Brawn tribe look ok, except for the old lady that chose rice instead of clue. Not sure what game she is playing, does she want people to trust her? She seems the weakest link in the tribe and they’ll get rid of her first especially now she’s made and enemy of Lindsey.

Beauty tribe meh. Don’t see anyone going far apart from Brice maybe?

I think the jury will be made up Brawns and Beauties haha

14 daisy { 02.28.14 at 5:47 pm }

Please don’t let TJ be one of those horrible ones that get carried through because they ARE hated and undeserving.
Mind you that guy last night played badly too.

15 emp { 02.28.14 at 6:06 pm }

For a brainy person I’m surprised Kass didn’t question voting out the tribe’s (physically) strongest player.

16 Ari { 02.28.14 at 6:54 pm }

Omg that was such a good premiere!!! Loved watching Garrett swimming around in his trunks! UNF. I would have thought he was gay if it weren’t for him clarifying he’s straight on Twitter. :( Oh well. Such a disappointment he was a total idiot after that second challenge – as was the rest of his team who just shot themselves in the foot for voting off their strongest player (except Spencer who is a cocky cutie everyone in his tribe is probably pissing him off right now).

J’Tia is crazy as hell goodness me.

Woo is fucking hot. As well as Spencer, LJ (DILF), Jeremiah, etc.

Kass thinks she’s just turned the tables but she’s an idiot, the girls have her wrapped around their fingers.

17 Carrie { 02.28.14 at 7:57 pm }

Thanks for a great post Gidgit. Keep up the great work. I enjoyed the show last night. Survivor always manage to get a new twist into the game. Love that.

18 Fiona { 02.28.14 at 8:27 pm }

This had to of been the best premier episode of survivor in a long time. I am loving the brawns tribe atm and Sarah or the lady cop is my favourite player so far.

This is going to be a really good season, I can feel it in my waters LOL :)

I think J’Tia should of hidden the rice and said to the tribe you will get it back if I’m still here in the morning., but I guess she does not have enough brains to think of something like that.

Tony the cop was like have an orgasm when he found idol he was so excited!

19 Sandii { 02.28.14 at 10:52 pm }

GVL I wasn’t going to watch this season of survivor, but your review has me hooked. I am going to watch the catch-up on Sunday.

20 daisy { 02.28.14 at 10:58 pm }

Sandii, yes watch. :)

Re the other thread, when you marry our kids, you become our kid.
I don’t even like the word in-law. Lucky for us our kids all added really nice young people to our hoard.

No circus folk sadly, unless you count the clowns.

Fiona, my waters are saying the same.

21 Sandii { 02.28.14 at 11:04 pm }

It is so lovely! My son has a girlfriend whom we are thinking might be the “one”, I hope that she and I can have a loving friendship. I missed out on that nice relationship with my husbands mum. She always introduces me as “the wife”. She didn’t look at it like having daughters, she looked at it as competition. I always think the more people in your life, the more to love and be loved.

22 daisy { 03.01.14 at 12:46 am }

I was lucky Sandii. Woolif’s mum and I are very different but she has always been good to me. None of this $100 present for hubby and lotto ticket for me. We have grown close over the years and even though I used to find her rather humourles, we now always share a laugh and a god chat. I find her waaaaay easier than my mum. I wish you lots of great family fun Sandii. You sound like the kin of person who deerves it.

23 Sandii { 03.01.14 at 9:27 am }

It hasnt been easy Daisy that’s for sure with my mother in law. Such a shame. She has made my ( and my kids) life unbearable at times and only the love and respect for my hubby has kept me here. Ps I love that you accept your new daughter because the first thing my mil said to my shy parents on meeting them was “my son doesn’t eat any foreign rubbish”. Note my dad is Italian and my mum is dutch. My parents felt humiliated.

24 anonymous { 03.01.14 at 9:44 am }

Sandii, sometimes a MIL can only try so hard before she gives up, its not only her fault, believe me I know.
I hardly see my grandchildren, and have to beg for the privilege.

25 brain dead dave { 03.01.14 at 9:45 am }

Sounds like the same old hag that lives next door to me,Sandii. Never happy unless she’s unhappy.

Yes, I also know one poor Grandmother who’s blackmailed into actually paying to see her grandchildren by her junkie son and sadly,she does.

26 FionaM { 03.01.14 at 11:12 am }

We will probably hear J’Tia whining about how hungry she is this week since she destroyed the rice. I can’t believe that the other tribe members did not go nuts when she did that, maybe they think the show will provide them with some more…. perhaps they will have to win some in a challenge. Don’t like the cop guy, bad move not to confide in Sarah, he is just way too intense. This season has me intrigued.

27 Fiona { 03.01.14 at 12:30 pm }

@FionaM I think the tribe blamed Garrett for the rice, it was his “Open Forum” approach that got J’Tia to get angry, obviously she is someone who reacts too quickly to things before thinking, but she did have a confessional after that saying it was probably not her best moment. Well at least she has a little self awareness.

And Probst explains about the rice situation for the brains tribe.
http://insidetv.ew.com/2014/02/27/survivor-cagayan-jeff-probst-premiere/

28 Kess { 03.01.14 at 12:31 pm }

This lot look interesting, nice to have a good cast of fresh faces – just could not get into that last one crowded with stale people plus one.

Fishermen/women you forgot, the best Ozzie, 2nd best Boston Rob, and that old scraggy country lady who almost caught them in her hands. I think Hatch could fish too.

How is that giant basketballer going to survive? He would need enough food to fuel a suburb wouldn’t he?

29 daisy { 03.01.14 at 1:19 pm }

Hah! Yes FionaM, I never thought about that. I was still trying to take in their stupidity. But that chick will probably be the first to start whining about being hungry.
I reckon the producers deliberately chose dumb “smart people”.
It’s like on Hot Seat; “I’m a chemical engineer”.
Q: “What was the name of Captain Cook’s ship”
A: ” Hmmmmmmm. Pass”

30 Gidgitvonlarue { 03.01.14 at 1:32 pm }

Kess – damn yes forgot about Ozzie and Boston Rob. But still that is only around five or six people out of 27 seasons of around 15 people per show – you’d expect if you got picked to go on this show the first thing I would practice is fishing/making lobster-crab pots/making fishing nets etc. I’m not very athletic so I’d have to be the ‘feeder’!!

Thanks everyone for lovely comments! It was fun to do!

31 daisy { 03.01.14 at 1:42 pm }

GVL. Don’t forget, you’d have to practice !ying in the mirror.

32 Ali { 03.01.14 at 1:51 pm }

I enjoyed reading your update GVL – I think you may be converting some non-watchers to this season.

What intrigues me how one cop can instantly spot another cop, even when they don’t want to be recognised. Then how do they stay undercover?

Would it have been because Tony insisted on giving all the Beauties pat-down searches – in their bikinis?

Or is it more like how addicts can always spot another addict?

33 Carole { 03.01.14 at 2:15 pm }

Thanks for the great review Gidgit. Looks to be another great season.

David explained in a magazine article his reasons for picking Garrett. He took note of who the others picked, and had assumed they may have to do a challenge, so he picked someone he thought would be strong and beat them.

Can not believe they didn’t get rid of Jtai, what a psycho bitch!!! Twitter was going off when that happened. They were all saying she was a female Brandon Hantz and what a great couple they would make. I think Russell said that.

PollyB there is an encore screening tomorrow on GO.

34 Sandii { 03.01.14 at 2:24 pm }

Anonymous, no one should have to beg to see there grandchildren. I am sorry if this is how your relationship is. My heart breaks. My mil doesnt want to see my kids and never has. I know that every relationship takes a lot of work. I feel very sad for you but I also feel sad for me and my kids. There are a lot of selfish people out there.

35 Sandii { 03.01.14 at 2:35 pm }

I am really looking forward to survivor. Got my Sunday all organized so I can park my rear on the couch with some munchies. Oh happy days.

36 Sioux Denim { 03.01.14 at 2:49 pm }

Great recap….any chance of getting some exit interviews as well?

This is going to be a ripper season….got rid of 2 interesting characters to start with, lets look forward to some more crazies!

Garret was a schmuck! Loved the blurring of the big donger too,! Did you notice they must have asked him to lay on his stomach whilst having that pow wow on the beach….he looked SO uncomfortable…donger must be too big!

Roll on Thurs!

37 Sandii { 03.01.14 at 2:55 pm }

Sioux, “blurring of the big donger” , oh hurry up sunday afternoon, I can’t wait to see this. Hehe!

38 Audrey { 03.01.14 at 11:21 pm }

I really wish I could watch this – but like last season it does not have closed captions so I can’t!

39 Sioux Denim { 03.01.14 at 11:30 pm }

Maybe just take a peek Audrey….just to see the blurring of the donger…hee hee!

Love to hear ya feedback Sandii!

40 Sandii { 03.02.14 at 4:12 pm }

It’s going to be a fun season!

41 daisy { 03.02.14 at 4:27 pm }

Looking fd to your take on it Sandii.

42 brain dead dave { 03.02.14 at 6:15 pm }

I missed the blurring of the alleged big donger. I thought it was Garrett himself. A turd with big abs is still a turd.

Hats off to J Tia for chucking the rice on the fire. Don’t get mad ,get even. My kinda contestant.

43 daisy { 03.02.14 at 6:33 pm }

Yes, but it back-fired on her.
Wait until she whines, “I’m hungry”, ignoring the fact that it’s her fault.

44 Sandii { 03.02.14 at 7:14 pm }

I missed the big donger moment as well. Garrett was a dumb turd.

45 Ali { 03.06.14 at 7:09 pm }

Just watched a repeat.

So Morgan from the Big Boobs Team lives in Silicon Valley. I bet some of the No Brainers would be excited to explore her Siliconed valley.

They said the average IQ of the No Brainers Team is 130, but they don’t tell you what the IQ of the other teams’ members are. Like Brains, Brawn and Beauty are mutually exclusive. I think Garrett could’ve fitted into either of the other two teams – and wishes he had.

I’m surprised the No Brainers couldn’t win the challenge to swim to the ocean floor cos in a race to the bottom, they are blitzing the competition.

Way to go, eliminating two men from your Tribe so you have even less chance of winning any physical challenges in future.

I’m really disappointed that David never got to bond with Brice over the definition of a suit vs co-ordinated ensemble – or am I just assigning a gay stereotype assuming that Brice would like fashion? Incredulous that David would wear a blazer to play Survivor, but it did get him picked as team leader.

Lindsay says she hates how Trish “is so judgmental” – whilst she is doing an imitation of the way Trish speaks with her lip pulled back. Kettle anyone?

My favourite line is after J’Tai has a nuclear meltdown and destroys 30 days’ worth of rice, Spencer says to camera as he is voting her off “The fact that you are a Nuclear Engineer is genuinely, GENUINELY scary”.