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Guest Post: Survivor Cagayan – Episode 2 “So you ARE a cop, thought so!”

Gidgit VonLarue back again on behalf of Reality Raver. Looks like I’ve been employed (without pay – god damn it) to do this every week and it’s my pleasure!

So after last weeks episode where two ‘brains’ tribe members were booted, there is now just four on the ‘brains’ tribe. I’m going to keep putting ‘brains’ in coma thingies because they are all huge morons. (I don’t claim to be brainy so I can say dumb ass stuff like that!)

Now last report I did not list the Beauty tribe so here goes:

Morgan (Tits McGee): Natural boobs, great body. Yep, that’s about it so far.

LJ: Jon Hamm look-a-like. Smart too. Hot body and works with horses. I’m in love. Move over Colonel.

Brice: Token gay/black guy. He’s no Denzel Washington that’s for sure but he’s SUPER!

Alexis: Quirky, cute student. She hasn’t really done anything yet but has nice hair.

Jefra: Hot little blonde. Ex beauty queen so is going to whinge a lot and she does.

Jerimiah: …was a bullfrog. Kidding. Male model, bit daft. What a surprise!

So 16 are left, and seeing I think the ‘brain’ tribe is self-destructing it should be around 12 left pretty soon  I would think!

Poor Spencer, the kid of the ‘brains’ tribe is now on the bottom of the three useless women alliance and knows he has to beg, steal and sell his virgin body to save himself from being booted…or does he?

Over on the brawn’s tribe, Tony ‘I’m not a cop’ finally fesses up to Sarah (who is a cop and knew Tony was a cop from the first second she saw him) that he is INDEED a cop (and so is his wife it turns out). Sarah, unsurprised, instantly does that blue blood cop thing with Tony (“us cops must stick together”) but he STILL insists on telling her a lie by saying others have been talking about voting her out (which is bullshit). Why he felt the need to do this when she can easily find out is beyond me and I guess anyone else watching. She was already ‘with him’ but his major game play paranoid mind must have felt the urge to make her hate others in the team for no reason what so ever! Do that shit when you’ve lost and going up for elimination you tool!

Turns out Sarah has a ‘copdar’ – much like a gaydar, but with spotting – well yes – cops! Hope she has a ‘crimdar’ as well to spot criminals. Might help with that talent, being a cop!

(I just took a break to plant chilli seeds in my garden and came back and accidentally touched my lips before washing my hands – so if things get a bit weird from here on in – I blame the chilli’s!)

So surprise surprise – that ‘lovely remote tropical island’ starts pissing down like a typhoon on steroids (as they do – seriously folks – go to Hawaii! At least if it rains you can go shopping!) Everyone is miserable in their crappy built shelters, which always amazes me as they have 3 days before challenges of sitting around doing fuck all so why not keep working on the shelter – or I don’t know – GO FISHING!?  I’d get so bored on that island I would have built a sky scraper with bamboo, seaweed and snot – and started a fish monger business! (Well I like to think I would!)

On the brawn side the only two working through the hideous storm are the two cops. Woo makes the ‘offer’ of help but the rest of them just sulk in their shit shelter like babies. It’s only rain – not acid rain! Get out there and work! Plus I’ve heard when it’s raining it’s a great time to fish for crabs/lobsters etc. Please correct me if I’m mistaken.

lobster

Dreadlock hairdresser whinges she’s broken a toe nail. Quick phone the medics! Wha wha wha! This lot need to watch an AWESOME show called Naked & Afraid. Especially the episode where the Aussie stunt woman is put in the American crap swamps with some mirror muscle whinging sook bag American man. Seriously watch this show. All the men are pussies.

Anyhoo, everyone on Survivor are soaking wet. Over on the Beauty team Miss Beauty Queen is breaking down like a tissue in a swimming pool. It’s only bloody water. Go for a swim. The ocean water will be warmer than the rain you drongos. Oh, beauty queen is crying like a baby again. GONER! Well in my mind anyway. Get rid of the weakest, keep the strongest until the merge then boot their arses like they are a fly in a five star restaurant! Turns out the girls on the Beauty team are living up to their reputation and doing NOTHING while the boys work to repair the shelter. Again – you’ve all had LOTS of lying around time to make a pretty sound solid shelter but eh, who thinks of that crazy stuff when you are a tropical island in the rainy season! Bah humbug!

Turns out LJ on the Beauty Tribe is smart as well as DAMN HOT. GOD DAMN HE’S HOT. (or is that just the chilli seed on my lips???) LJ remembers Tits Mcgee coming back from around the rocks (she was looking for the immunity idol but made up some lie that everyone accepted – aside from – turns out – LJ) so he takes the chance while they are all moaning like a four year old not allowed to buy a Fredo Frog at the petrol station – and goes looking for it! Guess what! He finds it! Smart clever hot hot hot hot LJ. Oh and if you doubt my judgement on men – here he is:

LJ

Nomnomnomnom (hopefully reality raver can put these pictures up or I just look insane…well…MORE insane)

He’s seriously got the perfect amount of body hair – chest, some on the arms and legs – not some weird shaved freak and not a wookie! Ok I’ll stop drooling over him now (ok that again might be the chilli seeds)

So the sun finally comes up, little crabs play in the sand and the ‘brains’ team fetch their tree mail. Watching them try to work out what the purely obvious clue gives them is most amusing. J’Tia suddenly comes out with ‘I want some rice’ when just last episode she threw most of it on the fire. Just remember, this dim bitch is meant to be a Nuclear Engineer. It’s just frightening – maybe more frightening than Putin! So they all decide to practice throwing water into half coconuts. This is where we see Latasha being more delusional than J’Tia.  “I’m doing it perfect (spilling most of the water) you be doing it all wrong!” Hope you are happy living in La La land Latasha.

So it’s finally immunity challenge and Jeff cannot hide his absolute distaste for the ‘brains’ tribe – can’t blame him really. Sadly there is not swimming in this challenge and we do not get the joy of watching J’Tia drown – but we DO get to watch her completely be useless at yet ANOTHER skill set – although throwing water is done by chimps in zoo’s at each other so not sure what ‘skill set’ is required. Still, she fucks it up but low and behold – they are not sent to kick off! Due to J’Tia and Latasha not taking part in the last section of the challenge the brain tribe actually beat the Beauty tribe! Holy shit! Reward is ‘comfort’ items like tarp, pillows, mosquito net, cocaine (kidding about the cocaine bit) and turns out Brawn are really good at throwing water and working out a ball puzzle thingie (official name).  They return with comfort items and again Tony (I’m not a cop – no actually I am) finds another clue to the immunity idol, even though he has it. One would think he should give the clue to Sarah the other cop to keep her on side. Let’s see if he does.

And even due to J’Tia being the most useless person on earth aside from pretending to be a nuclear something – Kass and Spencer kill it in the ball puzzle challenge and save them from yet another vote off. And I will bet my front teeth they would have voted off Spencer if they had lost because as you have heard – they are MORONS.

So now it’s time to watch the Beauty team scramble. LJ, my new boyfriend, is safe as he has an immunity idol. Phew. Hope he remembers to being it to tribal unlike Garrett!  The majority of them want Brice off – probably because he’s all black and gay and stuff – but they devise a plan to split the votes in case he or Tit’s McGee have the immunity idol. I first thought this was the dumbest plan ever – but as it plays out it’s actually genius and the best kick off I’ve seen in a long long time.

At tribal Jeff is the master. Let’s face it – he’s watched all that’s been filmed, he knows who to ask and what to ask.  He grills Brice, who can’t help but just spill everything. Tip – when going on Survivor and at Tribal Council and Jeff asks you ANYTHING: Keep it short, don’t say much and don’t throw yourself under the bus like a big mouth dumb dumb. Well turns out Brice is a big mouth dumb dumb and after splitting the votes three ways, the people NOT voted for get to go back and vote. Guess what, the ones going to vote again on who goes home are all in an alliance so Brice is an easy kick!

By the way if you have not watched the show – here is Tit’s McGee for you boys (and lesbians – and swing hitters)

bikini shot

 

Yep they are natural.

So Brice is gone from Beauty tribe, thinking he’s ‘all that’ still. Dude you are not. You look like Jimmy Walker from Good Times (god I’m showing my age now) Look him up kids! Dy-no-mite!

Next week the big questions are: Who will next go to Tribal Council? Who is the brawn side going to throw the next challenge to get rid of? How many people get injured in the stupid challenge? And how does Jeff not age?

Finally props to Brice for saying about Jeramiah he was ‘amazed he could spell my name’. We are too Brice, we are too!

See you next week – and if you have a strong stomach feel free to follow me on twitter: @GidgitVonLarue

log woman

“Don’t do it – my log tells me she’s a real bitch!”

finger

 

27 comments

1 emp { 03.07.14 at 11:48 am }

Brice was entertaining pity he got shafted.

I swear they are setting something up for the future with the Sarah-Tony story

2 Bruiser Brody { 03.07.14 at 11:58 am }

so the only guy who employed any thought to strategy is booted from the Beauty team…shocking…

oh, and he just happened to be the only black guy…

and he just happened to be the only gay (in the village)… 😉
Team Benneton this is not :)

Swear the order of who was designated final water-catcher was organised by casting (not the team), re: Tits McGee :)

3 daisy { 03.07.14 at 12:15 pm }

Well, no surprises that TJ would be (or at least seen to be) the only one whinging about the lack of rice. That was a given.
Can she really be such a pain?

I thought last night, “Why do they always make them go in monsoon season?”. It would be so much nicer in the dry.

4 q10 { 03.07.14 at 12:41 pm }

@daisy I think the producers don’t mind the monsoon season as it makes it tougher for the contestants (even the viewers get to see less of them bathing around in the sun) and they like seeing people breakdown rather than fluff around like a holiday..

5 Jas { 03.07.14 at 2:15 pm }

Great recap Gidget, thank you.
I can’t wait for your thoughts on the hairdresser with the disgusting looking dreadlocks.

6 Ali { 03.07.14 at 2:23 pm }

GVL – thank you and remind me never to cross you.

Hot dang! I was looking forward to seeing Brice rock some more Resort Wear ensembles. How many ways can you accessorize a Survivor bandanna? Maybe he should have tied his over his mouth, cos when it starts running, not even Usain Bolt could catch it. Is this Survivor Homophobia? Because all the guys GVL intimated may have been gay in her first post, have now been eliminated first. Survivor Hillbillies, anyone?

7 Gidgitvonlarue { 03.07.14 at 2:40 pm }

Ali – haha (I’m actually a softie in real life!)

Yes I was thinking the same thing about the first three booted. Hmmm.

8 daisy { 03.07.14 at 2:52 pm }

GVL, is that your granny?. I’d never ask her for a scone or Anzac biscuit.

9 ColonelKickhead'sMum { 03.07.14 at 3:15 pm }

Very nice recap apart from all the love for that muscle bound himbo LJ who surely can’t be anywhere near as nice as someone you might already be with.

10 Gidgitvonlarue { 03.07.14 at 3:43 pm }

@ colonelkickhead’s mum – hmmm, you wouldn’t happen to wear a balaclava would you?

@daisy – yes that is my nan. She’s a cranky old coot. 😉

11 Rosie { 03.07.14 at 5:16 pm }

Thanks again, Gidgit. And I totally agree with you about LJ. *drooool*

Yes, had to laugh at the producers giving the gents among the viewers their very own wet t-shirt contest with Tits McGee. Mr Rosie , who normally barely tolerates Survivor, sat up and paid very close attention indeed. He has made a close study of such matters, and also deems hers to be either real or the product of a very skilled surgeon indeed.

Back to the completely misnamed “Brains” tribe, does Spencer remind anyone else of Milton from The Walking Dead? Probably just me then.

12 daisy { 03.07.14 at 5:19 pm }

Rosie, my hubby would rather judge a pie eating contest than a wet tee. If anyone were to steal him from me she would need to be able to cook. Littlepetal would be in with a good shot.

13 Rosie { 03.07.14 at 5:27 pm }

Daisy – he doesn’t go for wet t-shirt contests as such, he just enjoys big tits. And as mine are well, not big, he has a perv whenever he can. I am way past caring about a tit or two. Hmm, would be a bit odd if he were interested in a one titted woman, but I would have to applaud him for it.
But he sure does love me for my cooking. And I hope for a few other attributes. *giggle*

14 Carrie { 03.07.14 at 6:56 pm }

Thank you so much Gidget for your amazing recap with just the right amount of acid wit! I agree with everything you said about LJ. He is indeed very clever and I hope he doesn’t leave too early. I hope Cop Tony shoots himself in the foot….he is too clever by half and very manipulative. Gorgeous body on Morgan and no I’m not that way, just appreciate her assets. Keep up the great posts.

15 Sioux Denim { 03.08.14 at 12:26 am }

Fabo post, Jerimiah the Bullfrog just got me!

LJ is certainly me perve factor but not discounting Morgan at all…just hate all the blurred bullshit!

My god, are the Brains seriously that stoopid….think this is totally at set up.

Lookimg forward to seeing Tony go down….wanker in my books.

16 daisy { 03.08.14 at 12:42 am }

Tony is turning a little bit secret agent Phil, especially now he has snared his first rookie cop partner.

17 Izobel2 { 03.08.14 at 9:13 am }

Daisy , Phil was a SPECIAL Agent wasn’t he?!!!

Gidget, I love love love your recaps. Very much my style of thinking without being able to write like that. Agree with everything you say. Spend more time building shelter indeed!
Looking forward to next week already!

Loving this season, loving all new players, loving no redemption island. AND Brice was so from Good Times!

18 daisy { 03.08.14 at 9:35 am }

Izobel BNTM 6.30 this arvo on 11.

19 Izobel2 { 03.08.14 at 11:21 am }

Brilliant Daisy, I hadn’t checked yet. Great news.

20 brain dead dave { 03.08.14 at 12:38 pm }

I believe you, GVL. I’m a softie in real life, too. Got me pumped for the encore tomorrow with your recap.Thanks.

21 Ali { 03.08.14 at 4:27 pm }

Rosie, I hope your hubby appreciates the All Boobs Tribe fishing floats while they’re still buoyant, because once they enter deep starvation mode:

If they’re fake, Morgan will be skin and bones with two chicken fillets jutting prominently from her chest, the surrounding fat having been used up. However, if those Hooters are real, she’ll end up looking like … Trish! In Survivor Meets Hunger Games Meets Biggest Loser, whoever wins the reward challenge gets to eat a Biggest Loser contestant.

Morgan may be in for a disappointment post-Survivor. Mila Kunis complained that after she whittled her body down to the size of a twelve year old for Black Swan, Rolf Harris hit on her (not really). Mila said her body shape changed permanently because some of the regained weight bypassed her boobs and settled instead on her stomach and hips.

Re the No Brainers Tribe, on the upside, this is the only time Spencer will ever get to sleep in a communal environment with a harem wearing itty bitty next to nothings all day.

On the downside, he got landed with a Crazy Lady, her Enabler and a Straight-up Attorney who’d whup his ass if he ever tried to touch hers.

Are they divided along colour lines, or just sanity?

I love how Cop That! Tony is also a tinnie short of a six pack. It’s like watching Bruce Willis playing Spy Kids. Since he is sneakily collecting clues like a squirrel hoarding Garrett’s nuts (I heard they’re impressive) the next clue should be flown from a banner overhead so no-one can miss it, and alluding to it being the THIRD clue so they can stew about what happened to the other two.

22 cam2 { 03.08.14 at 5:52 pm }

or if there is another immunity clue, tony could show it to the tribe to be all ‘tribal unity’ etc. he knows noone will find it, and it could make people trust him more.

23 cam2 { 03.08.14 at 5:53 pm }

orrr….he could leave the clue and let someone else find it, someone who he wants to test their loyalty and see if they tell him about it or not.

24 daisy { 03.08.14 at 5:53 pm }

Ali, A++ on the comment.

25 Juz { 03.09.14 at 11:20 pm }

Brice would have gone further if it was a normal season of Survivor, with tribes of more diverse characters. I give Tony credit for being smart enough to look for idol clues, but his frenetic speech must surely make him seem shifty to the others. Those muscles can’t be natural, surely? I hope he doesn’t drag Sarah down with him. I like the Spencer and Kass duo – surely even Kass will kick crazy rice lady out come next opportunity.

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