Guest Post: Survivor Cagayan – Episode 2 “So you ARE a cop, thought so!”
Gidgit VonLarue back again on behalf of Reality Raver. Looks like I’ve been employed (without pay – god damn it) to do this every week and it’s my pleasure!
So after last weeks episode where two ‘brains’ tribe members were booted, there is now just four on the ‘brains’ tribe. I’m going to keep putting ‘brains’ in coma thingies because they are all huge morons. (I don’t claim to be brainy so I can say dumb ass stuff like that!)
Now last report I did not list the Beauty tribe so here goes:
Morgan (Tits McGee): Natural boobs, great body. Yep, that’s about it so far.
LJ: Jon Hamm look-a-like. Smart too. Hot body and works with horses. I’m in love. Move over Colonel.
Brice: Token gay/black guy. He’s no Denzel Washington that’s for sure but he’s SUPER!
Alexis: Quirky, cute student. She hasn’t really done anything yet but has nice hair.
Jefra: Hot little blonde. Ex beauty queen so is going to whinge a lot and she does.
Jerimiah: …was a bullfrog. Kidding. Male model, bit daft. What a surprise!
So 16 are left, and seeing I think the ‘brain’ tribe is self-destructing it should be around 12 left pretty soon I would think!
Poor Spencer, the kid of the ‘brains’ tribe is now on the bottom of the three useless women alliance and knows he has to beg, steal and sell his virgin body to save himself from being booted…or does he?
Over on the brawn’s tribe, Tony ‘I’m not a cop’ finally fesses up to Sarah (who is a cop and knew Tony was a cop from the first second she saw him) that he is INDEED a cop (and so is his wife it turns out). Sarah, unsurprised, instantly does that blue blood cop thing with Tony (“us cops must stick together”) but he STILL insists on telling her a lie by saying others have been talking about voting her out (which is bullshit). Why he felt the need to do this when she can easily find out is beyond me and I guess anyone else watching. She was already ‘with him’ but his major game play paranoid mind must have felt the urge to make her hate others in the team for no reason what so ever! Do that shit when you’ve lost and going up for elimination you tool!
Turns out Sarah has a ‘copdar’ – much like a gaydar, but with spotting – well yes – cops! Hope she has a ‘crimdar’ as well to spot criminals. Might help with that talent, being a cop!
(I just took a break to plant chilli seeds in my garden and came back and accidentally touched my lips before washing my hands – so if things get a bit weird from here on in – I blame the chilli’s!)
So surprise surprise – that ‘lovely remote tropical island’ starts pissing down like a typhoon on steroids (as they do – seriously folks – go to Hawaii! At least if it rains you can go shopping!) Everyone is miserable in their crappy built shelters, which always amazes me as they have 3 days before challenges of sitting around doing fuck all so why not keep working on the shelter – or I don’t know – GO FISHING!? I’d get so bored on that island I would have built a sky scraper with bamboo, seaweed and snot – and started a fish monger business! (Well I like to think I would!)
On the brawn side the only two working through the hideous storm are the two cops. Woo makes the ‘offer’ of help but the rest of them just sulk in their shit shelter like babies. It’s only rain – not acid rain! Get out there and work! Plus I’ve heard when it’s raining it’s a great time to fish for crabs/lobsters etc. Please correct me if I’m mistaken.
Dreadlock hairdresser whinges she’s broken a toe nail. Quick phone the medics! Wha wha wha! This lot need to watch an AWESOME show called Naked & Afraid. Especially the episode where the Aussie stunt woman is put in the American crap swamps with some mirror muscle whinging sook bag American man. Seriously watch this show. All the men are pussies.
Anyhoo, everyone on Survivor are soaking wet. Over on the Beauty team Miss Beauty Queen is breaking down like a tissue in a swimming pool. It’s only bloody water. Go for a swim. The ocean water will be warmer than the rain you drongos. Oh, beauty queen is crying like a baby again. GONER! Well in my mind anyway. Get rid of the weakest, keep the strongest until the merge then boot their arses like they are a fly in a five star restaurant! Turns out the girls on the Beauty team are living up to their reputation and doing NOTHING while the boys work to repair the shelter. Again – you’ve all had LOTS of lying around time to make a pretty sound solid shelter but eh, who thinks of that crazy stuff when you are a tropical island in the rainy season! Bah humbug!
Turns out LJ on the Beauty Tribe is smart as well as DAMN HOT. GOD DAMN HE’S HOT. (or is that just the chilli seed on my lips???) LJ remembers Tits Mcgee coming back from around the rocks (she was looking for the immunity idol but made up some lie that everyone accepted – aside from – turns out – LJ) so he takes the chance while they are all moaning like a four year old not allowed to buy a Fredo Frog at the petrol station – and goes looking for it! Guess what! He finds it! Smart clever hot hot hot hot LJ. Oh and if you doubt my judgement on men – here he is:
Nomnomnomnom (hopefully reality raver can put these pictures up or I just look insane…well…MORE insane)
He’s seriously got the perfect amount of body hair – chest, some on the arms and legs – not some weird shaved freak and not a wookie! Ok I’ll stop drooling over him now (ok that again might be the chilli seeds)
So the sun finally comes up, little crabs play in the sand and the ‘brains’ team fetch their tree mail. Watching them try to work out what the purely obvious clue gives them is most amusing. J’Tia suddenly comes out with ‘I want some rice’ when just last episode she threw most of it on the fire. Just remember, this dim bitch is meant to be a Nuclear Engineer. It’s just frightening – maybe more frightening than Putin! So they all decide to practice throwing water into half coconuts. This is where we see Latasha being more delusional than J’Tia. “I’m doing it perfect (spilling most of the water) you be doing it all wrong!” Hope you are happy living in La La land Latasha.
So it’s finally immunity challenge and Jeff cannot hide his absolute distaste for the ‘brains’ tribe – can’t blame him really. Sadly there is not swimming in this challenge and we do not get the joy of watching J’Tia drown – but we DO get to watch her completely be useless at yet ANOTHER skill set – although throwing water is done by chimps in zoo’s at each other so not sure what ‘skill set’ is required. Still, she fucks it up but low and behold – they are not sent to kick off! Due to J’Tia and Latasha not taking part in the last section of the challenge the brain tribe actually beat the Beauty tribe! Holy shit! Reward is ‘comfort’ items like tarp, pillows, mosquito net, cocaine (kidding about the cocaine bit) and turns out Brawn are really good at throwing water and working out a ball puzzle thingie (official name). They return with comfort items and again Tony (I’m not a cop – no actually I am) finds another clue to the immunity idol, even though he has it. One would think he should give the clue to Sarah the other cop to keep her on side. Let’s see if he does.
And even due to J’Tia being the most useless person on earth aside from pretending to be a nuclear something – Kass and Spencer kill it in the ball puzzle challenge and save them from yet another vote off. And I will bet my front teeth they would have voted off Spencer if they had lost because as you have heard – they are MORONS.
So now it’s time to watch the Beauty team scramble. LJ, my new boyfriend, is safe as he has an immunity idol. Phew. Hope he remembers to being it to tribal unlike Garrett! The majority of them want Brice off – probably because he’s all black and gay and stuff – but they devise a plan to split the votes in case he or Tit’s McGee have the immunity idol. I first thought this was the dumbest plan ever – but as it plays out it’s actually genius and the best kick off I’ve seen in a long long time.
At tribal Jeff is the master. Let’s face it – he’s watched all that’s been filmed, he knows who to ask and what to ask. He grills Brice, who can’t help but just spill everything. Tip – when going on Survivor and at Tribal Council and Jeff asks you ANYTHING: Keep it short, don’t say much and don’t throw yourself under the bus like a big mouth dumb dumb. Well turns out Brice is a big mouth dumb dumb and after splitting the votes three ways, the people NOT voted for get to go back and vote. Guess what, the ones going to vote again on who goes home are all in an alliance so Brice is an easy kick!
By the way if you have not watched the show – here is Tit’s McGee for you boys (and lesbians – and swing hitters)
Yep they are natural.
So Brice is gone from Beauty tribe, thinking he’s ‘all that’ still. Dude you are not. You look like Jimmy Walker from Good Times (god I’m showing my age now) Look him up kids! Dy-no-mite!
Next week the big questions are: Who will next go to Tribal Council? Who is the brawn side going to throw the next challenge to get rid of? How many people get injured in the stupid challenge? And how does Jeff not age?
Finally props to Brice for saying about Jeramiah he was ‘amazed he could spell my name’. We are too Brice, we are too!
See you next week – and if you have a strong stomach feel free to follow me on twitter: @GidgitVonLarue
“Don’t do it – my log tells me she’s a real bitch!”