Guest Post: Survivor Cagayan Recap – J’Tia is as useful as a wax oven.
Gidget Von La Rue is back giving her take on Survivor Cagayan:
I cannot even hide my absolute…ok hate…for J’Tia. Someone like her should never be allowed to play the game of Survivor or even be allowed near any sharp things. I can easily say, and this is after over 20 seasons of Survivor, she is possibly the most useless person I’ve ever seen on this show. And that is saying something!
Let’s remember she says she’s a Nuclear Scientist. Now you might be saying I’m being unfair. She’s just smart but not athletic. It’s not just that. She is literally not only useless physically, but she’s a moron. I’m pretty sure she says she’s a nuclear scientist like a five year old kid says they are an astronaut.
Yep. (Thanks to Colonel Kickhead for doing that for me)
Now before I break down the episode just a reminder the ‘brains’ tribe has lost every challenge ASIDE from when J’Tia had nothing to do with working out the puzzle. Hope they have short buses on the island!
Ok back to the action! Recap shows Beauty lost last episode, pointing out Jeremiah (was a bullfrog) switched sides to send Brice home, leaving Tit’s McGee not happy Jan! After returning to camp Tit’s confronts Bullfrog. It’s a bit like Dumb and Dumber without the comedy… or Jim Carrey. My new boyfriend L.J still turns out to be the smartest of the group – but I’ll explain why later (aside from the fact I want to ride him like a rodeo cowboy rides a bull)
So we see the ‘brains’ tribe reading out the clue for the first challenge. The ONLY smart thing J’Tia says is ‘it’s just a rewards challenge’. Oh god you are brilliant! Quick sign her up to Mensa! I was crossing my fingers it was a swimming challenge but Survivor never lets me down and that comes later. Still J’Tia is delusional as she tests being blind folded and not only looks like a 90 year old woman with back problems – but does not know her left from right. I often struggle with that too – but I’M NOT A FUCKING NUCLEAR SCIENTIST!
“I don’t know what things are or what they do. My brain hurts”
So the reward challenge is the blind folded Survivor challenge where you just know people are going to smack into things, hurt themselves – and we laugh. Awesome! Most important thing is to pick a good ‘caller’ so you can hear them and they tell you direct instructions. The reward is three egg laying hens and a rooster. 2nd tribe to finish are 6 eggs. Losers are losers. So turns out two team members are tied together to get about nine items blindfolded while the instructions person yells directions. LJ gets smacked in the balls more often than a dad with a 4 year old and has a picture of the dentist on his crouch. Never mind. It’s ok LJ. I can’t have kids. As long as you can get it up honey – all good.
Shock horror – turns out J’Tia, even given the simplest job of standing by the hoist and pulling a string – cannot do that either. How this reward challenge actually unfolds is so mind blowing you really have to watch it because I cannot think of enough words to sum up how absolutely hopeless and moronic J’Tia is. So yeah, watch it. Tasha for ‘brains’ is doing what she does – be loud, and it’s working. Brawn are way behind as ‘brains’ and Beauty lead. Wow, brawns might lose this. ‘Brains’ would REALLY have to fuck up now to lose this. No way. They are way in the lead. Brawn are so losing thi…wait what? Yep, turns out J’Tia does not only not know how to pull a rope, but how to position a flag on a platform. You really seriously need to watch J’Tia trying to position the final item – the flag – onto the platform to be raised up. I’ve never seen anything like it. A drunk 3 year old would be able to do a better job than J’Tia.
So ‘brains’ lose – with J’Tia saying ‘It’s ok – we did a good job’. Is she on drugs? Did she recently have a lobotomy? Is she just a store mannequin that they can move around like Weekend at Bernies? I have no idea but it is mind blowing.
So Beauty win. They get a pen full of live chooks (one they kill pretty much straight off because STILL even with full on fishing equipment no one has even attempted to fish – just – wow). Jeramiah breaks the neck of the chook like he’s cracking celery. Of course the girls of the beauty tribe cannot work out why there is a rooster, and how if there isn’t a rooster the female chickens can lay eggs and how do they give birth to young when some eggs are for eating. It’s most entertaining in the kind of ‘watching a skate boarder try a stunt and slam his nuts into an iron fence post’ kind of way.
“I know this won’t be cool when I’m over 20 – and who needs nuts anyway?”
Even my new boyfriend L.J calls them on how they are the ‘predicted beauty team’ and basically calling the rest of his team thick as shit. It’s ok L.J – you are all still not as dumb as the ‘brains’ tribe, and big bonus, more attractive. Win and win.
So there is an immunity note clue in pretty much every bag – but the beauty team all read it out together. Still the whole chicken confusion continues to the point you want to hit your own head against a brick wall. I did, it hurt – but not as much as listening to the beauty tribe trying to work out how eggs are laid.
So chicken death ensues which America do not want to show because they don’t want to show the morbidly obese take away food eaters of America actually where their food comes from. Guess what is in chicken nuggets Yanks – yep – chicken. It once lived once you know! Tit’s McGee raves on about how ugly Jeramiah is, forgetting her mate Brice looked like a gay Sammy Davis Jnr and Jeramiah is a male model – but resentment runs deep – as we are just about to see.
“Yo bitch – I’m a damn fine looking man!”
Back to Brawns and turns out basketball dude and tattoos & dreadlock chick are bonding. Due to this it helps reinforce Tony’s lie, so Sarah goes on a huge ‘let’s get Cliff out’ rampage – to the point she’s hinting to ‘throw’ the immunity challenge JUST so she can get rid of Cliff. She goes to Woo first and it seems to work. Even though Woo is a Cliff fan, Sarah pulls the ‘Cliff is a famous basketball player – he’s really rich. He doesn’t need the money, we do’. Seems to work a charm, but then Tony gets paranoid AGAIN and continues to think he’s Boston Rob. You are not Tony. You are a dickhead.
So the next challenge is kind of a diving, fetching and basketball kind of challenge kind of thing. Oh wow, Cliff is a famous basketball player. Boy that works out well. Plus we ALL know J’Tia cannot swim. Turns out she’s not the only one on the ‘brains’ team that cannot swim or hold their breath or do anything that is of any use to anyone ever.
Back at Brawn, Sarah is thinking of throwing the challenge. It’s worked out well once and that was 3rd season of Survivor in Africa. If you know Survivor like I do, you’ll know what I mean. It was the perfect ‘throw a challenge’ ever. It’s never worked since then. Don’t do it, don’t try it. Keep the numbers.
The immunity challenge up next is indeed swimming, diving, fetching and throwing. The ‘brains’ tribe send J’Tia off first as even THEY know she is as useful as a truck load of dead rats in a tampon factory. Still she cannot do it (shock horror) and paddles back like a drowning chicken. So next up – surely the other members of the ‘brains’ tribe can…oh no. They are all useless except the chess dude who pretty much does the ENTIRE challenge for the ‘brains’ tribe. Seriously this tribe should never exist aside from poor Spencer. He’s a chess nerd and he comes out like superman for the useless damn women on the ‘brains’ tribe. Even with Spencer’s amazing work, he has to throw it into a net with someone at the net side throwing the lost balls back – oh wait. The retriever is J’Tia and lawyer chick? Neither are any use at all it turns out. Right now I’m so feeling for Spencer it’s hurting. Spencer literally does EVERYTHING for the brain tribe even though there are four of them. I honestly hope he wins this whole game now.
What a surprise – Cliff (Brawn tribe) the basketball professional nails his tosses – Beauty have won – and Spencer is trying to nail the throws while J’Tia is drowning (I wish) Ok that is harsh I know. But I would never apply for Amazing Race because I KNOW I am no good at heights, cannot eat nasty food and I don’t do running. Don’t sign up for any of these shows if you are no good at what they require. Capish?
I only dress to run – with a ciggie.
So Sarah on the Brawn side is just gob smacked even with them trying to ‘throw’ the challenge really hard, the ‘brain’s’ tribe were SO shit the Brawn could not even pretend to lose. THAT is how shit the ‘brains’ tribe are. I agree with her. They deserve to lose.
So back at ‘brains’ central they are scrambling. With only four left of course they would have to boot J’Tia. Hang on. Sister in race Tasha is suddenly thinking of keeping J’Tia in over Spencer who did the ENTIRE challenge while the three useless chicks stood around like scarecrows in a field. Seriously? The only reason Tasha wants to keep J’Tia is because it’s that whole ‘black sisterhood’ crap and yet Tasha was the one whinging earlier about ‘playing the game’ etc. So if you do not want your entire tribe demolished like old casinos in Vegas, how about keeping the people winning challenges!?!
I’ll say I was nervous about what was going to happen in elimination and really thought these daft broads were going to boot poor Spencer, but bless Jeff – he could not downplay just saying ‘for fuck sake just get rid of J’Tia’. Thank god they did. You could not wipe the smile off Jeff’s face. But still the only person I feel for is Spencer. He’s now in a team of two dumb women rather than three dumb women.
J’Tia is gone. Who the hell am I going to rag on now? Let’s find out next week shall we? (Oh and watch Jeff snub out J’Tia’s flame. He cannot even HIDE his distaste for her. He hardly even looks at her. It’s awesome)
Next week buffs are dropped. No teams – individual game. This is when things get REALLY fun – so if you are not watching on Go or d’load – watch it! It’s going to get good. I’m just off to do my nuclear scientist 4 day course at TAFE. Wish me luck!
…and a pineapple is smaller than a flea. I win!