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Guest Post: Survivor Cagayan Recap – J’Tia is as useful as a wax oven.

Gidget Von La Rue is back giving her take on Survivor Cagayan:

I cannot even hide my absolute…ok hate…for J’Tia. Someone like her should never be allowed to play the game of Survivor or even be allowed near any sharp things. I can easily say, and this is after over 20 seasons of Survivor, she is possibly the most useless person I’ve ever seen on this show. And that is saying something!

Let’s remember she says she’s a Nuclear Scientist.  Now you might be saying I’m being unfair. She’s just smart but not athletic. It’s not just that. She is literally not only useless physically, but she’s a moron. I’m pretty sure she says she’s a nuclear scientist like a five year old kid says they are an astronaut.

jtia

Yep. (Thanks to Colonel Kickhead for doing that for me)

Now before I break down the episode just a reminder the ‘brains’ tribe has lost every challenge ASIDE from when J’Tia had nothing to do with working out the puzzle. Hope they have short buses on the island!

Ok back to the action!  Recap shows Beauty lost last episode, pointing out Jeremiah (was a bullfrog) switched sides to send Brice home, leaving Tit’s McGee not happy Jan! After returning to camp Tit’s confronts Bullfrog. It’s a bit like Dumb and Dumber without the comedy… or Jim Carrey. My new boyfriend L.J still turns out to be the smartest of the group – but I’ll explain why later (aside from the fact I want to ride him like a rodeo cowboy rides a bull)

So we see the ‘brains’ tribe reading out the clue for the first challenge. The ONLY smart thing J’Tia says is ‘it’s just a rewards challenge’. Oh god you are brilliant! Quick sign her up to Mensa! I was crossing my fingers it was a swimming challenge but Survivor never lets me down and that comes later. Still J’Tia is delusional as she tests being blind folded and not only looks like a 90 year old woman with back problems – but does not know her left from right. I often struggle with that too – but I’M NOT A FUCKING NUCLEAR SCIENTIST!

Jtia puzzle

“I don’t know what things are or what they do. My brain hurts”

So the reward challenge is the blind folded Survivor challenge where you just know people are going to smack into things, hurt themselves – and we laugh. Awesome! Most important thing is to pick a good ‘caller’ so you can hear them and they tell you direct instructions. The reward is three egg laying hens and a rooster. 2nd tribe to finish are 6 eggs. Losers are losers. So turns out two team members are tied together to get about nine items blindfolded while the instructions person yells directions. LJ gets smacked in the balls more often than a dad with a 4 year old and has a picture of the dentist on his crouch. Never mind. It’s ok LJ. I can’t have kids. As long as you can get it up honey – all good.

Shock horror – turns out J’Tia, even given the simplest job of standing by the hoist and pulling a string – cannot do that either. How this reward challenge actually unfolds is so mind blowing you really have to watch it because I cannot think of enough words to sum up how absolutely hopeless and moronic J’Tia is. So yeah, watch it. Tasha for ‘brains’ is doing what she does – be loud, and it’s working. Brawn are way behind as ‘brains’ and Beauty lead. Wow, brawns might lose this. ‘Brains’ would REALLY have to fuck up now to lose this. No way. They are way in the lead. Brawn are so losing thi…wait what? Yep, turns out J’Tia does not only not know how to pull a rope, but how to position a flag on a platform. You really seriously need to watch J’Tia trying to position the final item – the flag – onto the platform to be raised up. I’ve never seen anything like it. A drunk 3 year old would be able to do a better job than J’Tia.

So ‘brains’ lose – with J’Tia saying ‘It’s ok – we did a good job’. Is she on drugs? Did she recently have a lobotomy?  Is she just a store mannequin that they can move around like Weekend at Bernies? I have no idea but it is mind blowing.

So Beauty win. They get a pen full of live chooks (one they kill pretty much straight off because STILL even with full on fishing equipment no one has even attempted to fish – just – wow). Jeramiah breaks the neck of the chook like he’s cracking celery. Of course the girls of the beauty tribe cannot work out why there is a rooster, and how if there isn’t a rooster the female chickens can lay eggs and how do they give birth to young when some eggs are for eating. It’s most entertaining in the kind of ‘watching a skate boarder try a stunt and slam his nuts into an iron fence post’ kind of way.

skateboard

“I know this won’t be cool when I’m over 20 – and who needs nuts anyway?”

Even my new boyfriend L.J calls them on how they are the ‘predicted beauty team’ and basically calling the rest of his team thick as shit. It’s ok L.J – you are all still not as dumb as the ‘brains’ tribe, and big bonus, more attractive. Win and win.

So there is an immunity note clue in pretty much every bag – but the beauty team all read it out together. Still the whole chicken confusion continues to the point you want to hit your own head against a brick wall. I did, it hurt – but not as much as listening to the beauty tribe trying to work out how eggs are laid.

So chicken death ensues which America do not want to show because they don’t want to show the morbidly obese take away food eaters of America actually where their food comes from. Guess what is in chicken nuggets Yanks – yep – chicken. It once lived once you know! Tit’s McGee raves on about how ugly Jeramiah is, forgetting her mate Brice looked like a gay Sammy Davis Jnr and Jeramiah is a male model – but resentment runs deep – as we are just about to see.

sammy d jr

“Yo bitch – I’m a damn fine looking man!”

Back to Brawns and turns out basketball dude and tattoos & dreadlock chick are bonding. Due to this it helps reinforce Tony’s lie,  so Sarah goes on a huge ‘let’s get Cliff out’ rampage – to the point she’s hinting to ‘throw’ the immunity challenge JUST so she can get rid of Cliff. She goes to Woo first and it seems to work. Even though Woo is a Cliff fan, Sarah pulls the ‘Cliff is a famous basketball player – he’s really rich. He doesn’t need the money, we do’. Seems to work a charm, but then Tony gets paranoid AGAIN and continues to think he’s Boston Rob. You are not Tony. You are a dickhead.

So the next challenge is kind of a diving, fetching and basketball kind of challenge kind of thing. Oh wow, Cliff is a famous basketball player. Boy that works out well. Plus we ALL know J’Tia cannot swim. Turns out she’s not the only one on the ‘brains’ team that cannot swim or hold their breath or do anything that is of any use to anyone ever.

Back at Brawn,  Sarah is thinking of throwing the challenge. It’s worked out well once and that was 3rd season of Survivor in Africa. If you know Survivor like I do, you’ll know what I mean. It was the perfect ‘throw a challenge’ ever. It’s never worked since then. Don’t do it, don’t try it. Keep the numbers.

The immunity challenge up next is indeed swimming, diving, fetching and throwing. The ‘brains’ tribe send J’Tia off first as even THEY know she is as useful as a truck load of dead rats in a tampon factory. Still she cannot do it (shock horror) and paddles back like a drowning chicken. So next up – surely the other members of the ‘brains’ tribe can…oh no. They are all useless except the chess dude who pretty much does the ENTIRE challenge for the ‘brains’ tribe. Seriously this tribe should never exist aside from poor Spencer. He’s a chess nerd and he comes out like superman for the useless damn women on the ‘brains’ tribe. Even with Spencer’s amazing work, he has to throw it into a net with someone at the net side throwing the lost balls back – oh wait. The retriever is J’Tia and lawyer chick? Neither are any use at all it turns out. Right now I’m so feeling for Spencer it’s hurting. Spencer literally does EVERYTHING for the brain tribe even though there are four of them. I honestly hope he wins this whole game now.

What a surprise – Cliff (Brawn tribe) the basketball professional nails his tosses – Beauty have won – and Spencer is trying to nail the throws while J’Tia is drowning (I wish) Ok that is harsh I know. But I would never apply for Amazing Race because I KNOW I am no good at heights, cannot eat nasty food and I don’t do running. Don’t sign up for any of these shows if you are no good at what they require. Capish?

dude in bad trackie

I only dress to run – with a ciggie.

So Sarah on the Brawn side is just gob smacked  even with them trying to ‘throw’ the challenge really hard, the ‘brain’s’ tribe were SO shit the Brawn could not even pretend to lose. THAT is how shit the ‘brains’ tribe are. I agree with her. They deserve to lose.

So back at ‘brains’ central they are scrambling. With only four left of course they would have to boot J’Tia. Hang on. Sister in race Tasha is suddenly thinking of keeping J’Tia in over Spencer who did the ENTIRE challenge while the three useless chicks stood around like scarecrows in a field. Seriously? The only reason Tasha wants to keep J’Tia is because it’s that whole ‘black sisterhood’ crap  and yet Tasha was the one whinging earlier about ‘playing the game’ etc. So if you do not want your entire tribe demolished like old casinos in Vegas, how about keeping the people winning challenges!?!

I’ll say I was nervous about what was going to happen in elimination and really thought these daft broads were going to boot poor Spencer, but bless Jeff – he could not downplay just saying ‘for fuck sake just get rid of J’Tia’. Thank god they did. You could not wipe the smile off Jeff’s face. But still the only person I feel for is Spencer. He’s now in a team of two dumb women rather than three dumb women.

J’Tia is gone. Who the hell am I going to rag on now? Let’s find out next week shall we? (Oh and watch Jeff snub out J’Tia’s flame. He cannot even HIDE his distaste for her. He hardly even looks at her. It’s awesome)

Next week buffs are dropped. No teams – individual game. This is when things get REALLY fun – so if you are not watching on Go or d’load – watch it! It’s going to get good. I’m just off to do my nuclear scientist 4 day course at TAFE. Wish me luck!

quiz

…and a pineapple is smaller than a flea. I win!

 

 

39 comments

1 Andrea { 03.14.14 at 10:21 am }

Very funny recap Gidgit, you said everything I was thinking.
There has definitely been no one worse than J’Tia ever, and she is so delusional thinking it wasn’t all her fault they kept losing.

She looked pathetic trying to place that flag on the platform, they might have won if she had done that properly, stupid woman.
What does her job entail as a Nuclear Scientist?

I was so worried at the end that they would keep her and get rid of poor Spencer, luckily common sense prevailed over the sisterhood.
Lucky for him the buffs are off next week or those two silly girls would have voted him off next.

2 daisy { 03.14.14 at 10:30 am }

I waited before throwing around my compliments but GVL, dang, you are good at this. Putting stupid TJ at Homer’s helm was RR gold.

Why have I been opposite barracking; barrackng for brainless to lose every challenge. I wonder if they will be loyal now. I would want to distance myself from them if I was the guy on brainless.

RIP brainless, I will miss your bungling.

And that rookie cop girl is being a fool with her the uniform is thicker than water fairytale.

I am really enjoying this season. Yes there is a really hot, no spunky guy on beauty. And I thought it was funny when Morgan said,”He shouldn’t even be here. He’s not even beautiful”. Or something to that effect.

3 emp { 03.14.14 at 10:35 am }

is it individual time already? i thought they were mixing up da tribes

4 daisy { 03.14.14 at 10:39 am }

New saying : instead of ‘shit for brains’. T’jia for brains.

If I am ever shipwrecked on a deserted island, I will be hoping it is with beautiful, strong people now.

5 Ali { 03.14.14 at 1:07 pm }

I’m really glad the Crap for Brains Tribe (as self-styled by Kass) didn’t win the chickens because J’Tia would have sacrificed them all in a bloody voodoo ritual then whinged every morning about wanting eggs for breakfast.

6 brain dead dave { 03.14.14 at 1:44 pm }

Sadly, there are Australians out there who are just as confused as Americans about roosters, hens,chickens and eggs. I wish I could forget the spirited argument that erupted in the Big Brother ‘o7 Aus (Aleisha’s year) spa about whether roosters were required to produce chickens. Some fools are convinced that immaculate conception extends to poultry. Nothing to crow about that kind of stupidity.

We all know roosters are a football team,right?

7 Sioux Denim { 03.14.14 at 5:57 pm }

Brilliant recap Gidgit…I share your love too for LJ…hot dang!

God, I was worried too that they were going to boot Spencer, what a complete bunch of idiots that tribe is….god help them on the merge.

Thats quite early in the piece too for Individual merge…could they be forming different teams?

Cant stand that Sarah cop, hope she gets a good blindside…..

8 daisy { 03.14.14 at 6:18 pm }

Yeah she needs a kick up the blind side.

9 Gidgitvonlarue { 03.14.14 at 7:57 pm }

I producers called an early merge because they know the ‘brains’ tribe is just going to be demolished. At least it gives Spencer a chance to spread his wings!

10 Izobel2 { 03.14.14 at 8:30 pm }

I’ve just watched the reward challenge, and I didn’t realise that the losers weren’t going to Tribal Council, and I’m catching up on work so I look up and see J’Tia messing with the bloody flag on the mat and I’m thinking – this must be where she’s trying to throw the challenge, and I’m thinking – you’re WAY too obvious, stop doing that! And she was actually TRYING!! I’m in shock.

Will keep watching. Also, how fantabulous would it be to win chickens on Survivor. And a big shout out to Shambo!

11 Rosie { 03.14.14 at 8:32 pm }

Thanks again for the recap, Gidgit.

And yes, just every other time they have won chooks, there is this ridiculous discussion about roosters and hens. So they wind up killing a hen and leaving a non-laying rooster alive because…because, they want to start a breeding programme? And sad to say, as BDD pointed out we have Aussies who are ever bit as stupid. Sigh.

But at least they got rid of the ridiculously fucking stupid J’Tia! Finally!

12 Reality Raver { 03.14.14 at 9:34 pm }

Agree the female cop is really really stupid when it comes to strategy she will have to be an early casualty. It seem strange that the let’s throw the challenge to get rid of him now came from nowhere. These thoughts must be what comes into your head after you have not eaten for three days. Isn’t Cliff the perfect person to take to the final three as no one is going to vote to give him the million dollars because he already has lots of money?

13 Ari { 03.14.14 at 9:43 pm }

Um, what is this? I thought L.J. was MY boyfriend?!

Glad the brains made the right choice voting for J’Tia. Gotta love Spencer. Was still painful watching the brains lose again.

14 Izobel2 { 03.14.14 at 10:58 pm }

I agree Raver, I’d take Cliff to the final 3 too, because no-one likes to give loads of cash to someone who’s played more games than Jordan!
I’d like to hang with Cliff anyway as he seems like a nice bloke.
Special Agent Phil on the other hand….

And finally Brains used their brains and got rid of J’Tia!

15 daisy { 03.14.14 at 11:00 pm }

I hope Spencer realises he owes those stupid girls nothing. They kept him for their own benefit not to do him any favours.

And are bent cops everywhere laughing at the naïve rookie. “Oh no, shot in the back by my partner. How could …cough cough, spit up blood…..you?”

16 Maddie { 03.15.14 at 1:39 am }

They’ll be even more confused about the whole ‘where do eggs come from’ if they keep killing off their hens instead of the rooster.

17 Carole { 03.15.14 at 9:26 am }

Great recap Gidgit, I felt like I was reading my own thoughts. Love the blindfolded challenges when they keep walking into things. They were very conveniently placed right on groin level, which makes it even funnier. But how hilarious, even when they tried to throw the challenge, the Brains still couldn’t win.

I wonder what Sarah’s thinking, watching it back seeing how she is being played by Tony. She must be feeling like a right fool. The reunion show should be interesting.

But thank God they finally got rid of J’tia.

18 emp { 03.15.14 at 10:28 am }

The merge is coming at a good time. I couldn’t stand the current beauty team anymore, very bland tribe. Hopefully we get something like Cliff and Tony to Beauty and LJ and Morgan to Brawn. Spence and Tasha on one side and Kass on the other

19 Sandii { 03.15.14 at 10:56 am }

GVL I Couldn’t finish reading I am laughing so much. Frigging funniest read ever………Ever!

20 daisy { 03.15.14 at 12:20 pm }

Maddie@16 We can watch them sitting around waiting for the rooster to lay.

21 Ali { 03.15.14 at 2:13 pm }

Ari @13

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Are you Ari, the dude with ‘tude, going to smackdown Gidget for stealing yo bitch, LJ?!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Er, good luck with that one.

22 daisy { 03.15.14 at 2:57 pm }

Oh good while Ari and GVL fight over the hot guy I might sneak in and impress him with my knowledge of poultry.

23 Ali { 03.15.14 at 4:06 pm }

Daisy, LJ will awaken you with his cock crowing in the morning.

24 daisy { 03.15.14 at 4:50 pm }

Ali, if you had wanted to see crowing cocks, you should have watched SBS last night.
But to be in that group, you had to be a member.

Or at least have it mounted on your wall.

25 Juz { 03.15.14 at 11:14 pm }

The flag thing was excruciating. I wonder if J’tia currently has a job? Hope Spencer gets a better deal out of the tribal reshuffle. And some rice! I like, Woo, too. He hasn’t had much screen time, though.

26 7th Fleet { 03.16.14 at 11:56 am }

J’Tia…
Outlast….clearly not! Finally! (Could be a dream pick for final tribal since she is not capable of winning anything.)
Outwit…..maybe if the whole game only had people that do not understand how eggs are created!
Outplay…. there has not been a challenge designed that she could possibly complete successfully unless she is such a horrible cook that a food challenge would be easy.

27 Bolders { 03.17.14 at 11:42 am }

The fact that you have to use an apostrophe to spell a person’s name is enough to warrant derision- stupid is just a bonus.

What’s the apostrophe in place for anyway? Shit-for-brains?

28 d'aisy { 03.17.14 at 2:20 pm }

B’olders, I was thinking the same thing.

Imagine having to spell that all the time.

What about this name: T?Jia?

29 Izobel2 { 03.17.14 at 2:23 pm }

You’re funny Bolders!
Daisy you love calling her T’Jia!!

30 Izobel2 { 03.17.14 at 2:24 pm }

D’aisy, ha! Just noticed your new name!

31 B'Olders { 03.17.14 at 2:44 pm }

I prefer second letter capital Daisy – just like my hero the neurophysichemrocketonryebread sicentist M’Iss J’Tia.

I’Zobel fanks too.

32 brain dead dave { 03.17.14 at 2:52 pm }

I saw this on Ch 7’s AFL coverage yesterday when naming inclusions and omissions from the respective teams.

“In’s” and “Out’s”

I kid you not.

33 d***y { 03.17.14 at 3:14 pm }

And I believe you B’D

34 B'Olders { 03.17.14 at 4:37 pm }

B’DD #32 – spelling in accordance with the schould of Kochie and his ilk on Sunrise. Everything has to be reduced and nicknamed unless you are adding redundant apostrophes. Then’ it’s’ any’rules’ go.

35 daisy { 03.19.14 at 3:06 pm }

I saw another apostrophe name on telly this week. I can’t remember what it was but please no.
I have enough trouble remembering names and continually having to redo class lists for my nomadic kids as it is. This new concept will go down a treat with the bogans who are already fans of wanky names. I think the more elite are choosing great grandma names like Edna, Elsie and Doris. (Well maybe not quite that bad).

36 Izobel2 { 03.19.14 at 4:09 pm }

Oh Daisy I thought of you and Bolders when I saw it! It was Mick Jaggers now deceased girlfriend.

37 daisy { 03.19.14 at 4:13 pm }

Oh yeah, that’s right. Thanks Izobel.
Did you see Doc Phil yet? No wonder the first wife wanted to keep the kids from him. I would too in that case. And how stupid in Mrs number 2.

38 Izobel2 { 03.19.14 at 4:50 pm }

Sooo behind on my shows. Watching MKR now. Still haven’t watched BINTM or Dr Phil!

39 daisy { 03.19.14 at 4:54 pm }

Well you had better catch up on BNTM. There was a doozy of a floozie.
Don’t you just love old people’s lingo. It beat all the wtf and imo. 😆