Guest Post – Survivor Cagayan – Drop You Buffs MF!
Good by J’Tia. See ya. Don’t let the bark hut door hit your useless arse on the way out! Phew, she’s gone. Smartest thing the ‘brains’ tribe has done the entire season. So now 3 of them left – lawyer red head Kass (who by the way again has the arrogance or delusion to rip on how dumb her team are when SHE herself saved J’Tia over a player who could have done well in challenges a few ep’s ago! You might be a lawyer Kass, but you have an awful memory!) Thank god poor Spencer was saved as he was the only useful one in the whole team, and of course little miss uppity Tasha who is now ‘all that’ even though she tried her hardest to save J’Tia. At least some intelligence has hit her & she now knows J’Tia was as use full as a chocolate teapot. Or this guy:
‘You know you want me – I’m your kitty’
So at ‘brains’ camp they suddenly become self-aware that probably if they booted off J’Tia as the first eliminated they might have just won some immunity challenges – ok they don’t say that. I lie. That is just ME thinking that! Kass fesses up back at camp after elimination they are ‘not the brains tribe, they are the crap for brains tribe’. Guess what Kass – that includes you honey!
‘I object – I think. Hell I don’t know. I’m not very smart’
So the clue for the next challenge from tree mail is ‘craving the taste…’ and that is all it takes for all of them to drool down their chins like Homer Simpson. Lets face it – days of flavourless rice and beans would have me eating the head off those fucking snakes the editors constantly show in the the intrem clips – or maybe I’d just, oh I don’t know – GO FISHING!!!
Even Putin fishes and he’s very busy being a dick – look how fun it is!
So as expected when ‘brains’, brawn and beauty all meet in front of Jeff – drop the buffs! For a minute I thought it was the old ‘every man for himself’ but Jeff is tricky and has a nice hairy chest, so instead he hands out new buffs (yes I know it’s been done many a time) to form TWO new tribes. Shit Danglers and Smut Peddlers. Ok that’s not the names they give them – but it’s the names I give them because they are silly and make me laugh.
I do love how when they all get their new buffs they smell them like it’s the first clean thing they’ve smelt since – well starting the show. Jesus that was not even witty or clever. I need more wine.
Brain tribe all stick together – most of brawn tribe stick together apart from cop ‘I knew you were a cop’ Sarah who is with brains and beauty. All I care about to be honest is where my American boyfriend who doesn’t know he’s my boyfriend L.J is. Looks like he has a good team, aside from skeletor – sorry I mean Trish.
‘I live in your eyes’
The first challenge for the newly formed teams is the old (and if you have watched it as long as I have – it’s old – trust me) one person grips to a large post while two people from the other team have to tear them off and drag them over the finish line like a six year old being dragged into a vegan restaurant. It’s never pretty!
Even THIS is prettier! (I think I might be now semi drunk)
I will say I’m ALWAYS amazed there are hardly ever any broken bones or twisted necks or dislodged penis shafts in this challenge. Things get really rough and people will do ANYTHING for a cinnamon roll with icing! The temptation for winning team is coffee (pass), and cakes and pastries. For me I’d rather the stuff THEY ARE NOT GETTING from the sea like fish, lobster, crabs, mussels, oysters etc. Yeah get used to it – I’m never getting over the lack of fishing skills bit. IT’S AN OBSESSION! I’ve been to Bruny Island in Tassie – there was more free seafood just washed up on the beach than you can pay through the nose at the Sydney fish markets! (Oh Tassie still sucks by the way – pretty & historical – but damn expensive if you want to sleep in a bed! Oh don’t get me started!) I digress…
Tasha is clinging to the pole for the orange team (I never take notice of the official names of teams) like a kid on a lollypop – Lindsay is clinging to the pole for the purple team. Straight off I know Tasha will hang on like a kitten on a clothes line and she does. Lindsay is being ‘grabbed’ by Tit’s MgGee and Sarah the cop. Now being that Sarah IS a cop I would think she has plenty of ‘wrestle to the ground & beat the shit out them before people with camera phones show up’ skills and yep, she does. Hippy Lindsay tries to fight – but it’s like a vegan up against a grizzly bear – no fucking chance.
‘Yo – I’ll kick your ass! Oh hi mum!’
Lindsay does lose but at least gets a hard leg twist on Tit’s Mcgee’s throat…and still no broken bones or necks? This show sucks.
Sarah the cop and Tit’s get hippie over the finishing line, while Tasha is hanging in, making up for the future swimming challenges where she’ll sink like a brick. Purple win that round then next is the boys…oh and Skeletor …what the fuck? Why her? She’s probably the weakest woman on the….oh they have to pull off the pole Alexis from original beauty tribe? Why even put old bag up there? L.J could do this on his own and he does! Pretty sure skeletor just cheers & claps & breaks a hip from the side lines as L.J rips Alexis’ off the pole like a rag doll. MEANWHILE Spencer and Jerimiah (was a bullfrog) have to TRY and wrench huge tall strong athletic fit Cliff the ex-professional basketball player from his pole. I bet his real pole is probably about the same size as the actua….ok tasteless. But once you go black!
(I was going to put a picture of an African American porn actor’s naked photo here but I’d hate to get Emma in trouble and at end of the day there were too many to choose from. Google it. It’s awesome!)
They are playing for two wins out of three rounds – so instantly you know Cliff is NEVER coming off that pole. To be honest I think Alexis got off with L.J dragging her – I know I would. ‘Oh gosh, I lost hold of the pole – drag me honey – drag me’. *fans self like ye old Southern woman*
Yeah – that’s not what I meant.
So third round the purple team put Cliff up again to hold onto his pole (giggles). Smart move. Sarah the cop is picked for the orange team but damn that chick puts up a HUGE fight when she has the ‘I’m not a cop’ muscle dude as well as hippy dippy tugging on her. She may have lost, orange may have lost – but it wasn’t immunity, just reward and again my admiration for Sarah the cop goes up. Love her. She fights like I’d fight. Good luck dragging ME into a car you rapist type serial killers. Your eyes would be plucked out and sitting on the dashboard! Ok back to Survivor. I’ll do my ‘how to survive as a woman’ article later when reality raver does another blog called ‘Fuck you, I am woman’.
Back at the new purple tribe Skeletor (sorry Trish) finds out L.J is from Boston just like her. I’m hurt by knowing this as Boston sucked and the people were horrible, but I’ll forgive L.J living there. He must live out of town? Instantly a bond is made as L.J being the brilliant amazing man that he is, not only fesses up he’s single (my phone number is 0011 61 02 9484…..) Yeah like I’d publish that (email me J.T), but he knows he’s in a majority of brawn with just him and blonde airhead from original beauty so he needs to scramble. Turns out he’s good at – well anything – and wins over skeletor by charming her. Seems big old Cliff has never even spoken to Trish and Lindsay the hippy chick hates her guts – so Trish instantly is all ‘I love me some L.J ‘ – and who can blame her? Trish is literally having a semi old lady spooge over L.J and he admits to knowing she fancies him and he’ll use it. Damn he’s smart as well as hot. Oh, and just listen to Trish’s laugh. It makes puppies cry and kittens commit suicide.
So Cliff, Woo and Hippy are in a tight clique – Trish has fallen into L.J’s pants like – well like I would. ‘I’m not a cop’ is kind of just wandering around the beach still thinking he’s ‘playing the game’ but is really just delusional and has a wanky ass tattoo!
Over on orange tribe, Sarah the cop fesses up about the first day when the ones sent off first day had the option to pick another bag of rice or try to find immunity idol, which buggers up Tit’s McGee’s lie that she picked survival gear and was just looking for crabs (bet she’s found them before and not near the beach). Instantly the beauty tribe all turn on each other like mothers on Toddlers and Tiara’s. Finally the brains (no inverted comas as they are coming good) are actually on top – and everyone else on the orange tribe is struggling.
Thus finally brains just ‘sit back’ and let the beauty tribe self destruct. I will say Alexis coming out of the water in the black bikini makes me rethink my sexuality – but I just think of L.J and back on track.
Back at purple Trish and Blonde airhead (Jefra) go off for water and Trish is very happy to fess up Lindsay is a ‘line to clear’ which is an expression I’m VERY familiar with as my late dad used it all the time (thank god not about me). I really thought Jefra and L.J were absolute goners but they now definitely have Trish who is swanning over L.J like a fat kid over a cheeseburger.
Now comes to immunity challenge – Jeff questions the sexuality of the immunity idol he chooses to keep – getting rid of little brother immunity idol. Oh Jeff, you lark. So cute you did not research as to the local cheap tourist faux idols at a market shop in a pacific country crap. Bless.
It’s an immunity challenge. Each team has to sit someone out as – well I guess they just do. Actually there are only six ropes to grab to on the log they have to manoeuvre to bash through some walls and work out a puzzle and bang a gong – so yep someone sits out per team. Orange team are so muddled they have to do rock, paper, scissors to work out who sits out. I think back to if J’Tia was still in this – she probably would have made a thumbs up Fonzie style instead. Ah bless.
Oh shut up Fonz – you are a 30 something guy living above a family’s house cracking onto teen girls & hanging out in the boys toilets with late teen boys. Yeah – so cool!
Now instant bad planning as orange go with two chicks (yeah I’m sexist – so what) at the front of the log. Purple team had two dudes at the front, just kind of using the log but mostly kicking the shit out of the barricades. Orange then swap around and put Spencer and Bullfrog at the front which seems to be working. Both teams are through the two barricades and onto the puzzle. L.J is doing awesome but the rest of his new team suck (ok tad bias) and finally the nerd – I mean brains tribe with their new team mates seem to be doing better! What? Seriously?? The old brains tribe go off like a dog on a dead pigeon carcass and purple are stunned they lost it. Oh no – first thing they are saying is get rid of L.J. Nooooooooooooooooooo!
Piss off squirrel – I did it better!
Purple team are SCRAMBLING like eggs at a bed and breakfast (jesus that was lame). Trish is definitely in L.J’s jock strap – I mean side. Dumb useless blonde from beauty is just – well – there. There she is. She’s doing nothing. Will probably win this whole thing. Oh god Trish is laughing again. My cat just ran into the wall to kill itself rather than hear that again. Time to get a dog I guess!
Trish is trying to talk ‘I’m not a cop’ Tony into getting rid of Cliff. Tony really only wants to get rid of L.J because he’s taller, has more hair, is a billion times more handsome and has a better body than Tony. Simple as that. Oh god, L.J is a goner. But he has a hidden immunity idol. He’s really going to have to use it. Just having blonde dumb sheila and skeletor on your side is not enough. I would definitely play the immunity idol. That’s what they are for. All the votes for you are veto and the other person goes – even if it’s just one vote against them. So L.J is going to play his immunity idol because he’d be a fucking idiot if he didn’t because Tony is not a lock. You are only trusting Trish who is thinking through her va jay jay.
So it’s pissing down at immunity kick off – yet again – welcome to those lovely tropical islands folks. Jeff knows all the right questions to ask (as he’s watched all the footage filmed for that episode before hosting tribal council) so he know who to ask, and what to ask them.
‘I’ll set your torch on fire baby!’
With the banter back and forth at tribal council, J.T should literally have his immunity idol in the palm of his hand ready to hurl at Jeff’s face like a comedy cream pie right? RIGHT?
Everyone toddles off to vote – Jeff comes back and asks the question that naturally J.T would jump on ‘if anyone has the immunity idol, now is the time to use it’ right? Because he would use it because from what we saw ‘I’m not a cop’ was on the fence and who takes chances like that? MANY a player has gone home with an immunity idol in their pocket – once a player went home with two. Yep – two! Use the fucking thing then find the new one. Easy!
Jeff reads out the vote off’s. Cliff….J.T….Cliff…J.T….Cliff ARUGH OH GOD. Why didn’t J.T use the immunity idol?????? Hang on – hold the phone – wait a minute…final vote off: CLIFF! Holy tap dancing Jesus in a nightclub!
‘Yo yo yo’
L.J must have had some ‘private’ dealings with Tony ‘I’m not a cop’ because I really thought when he didn’t use his immunity idol he was a goner!? Please tell me I was not the only one chewing my toe nai…I mean my finger nails with tension?
L.J might just be up there with Boston Rob for smarts and how to play this game! He’s safe! Woot! Now hippy dippy and Woo man choo are fucked! Unless they can scramble (doubt it) L.J just turned that team on their head! Huge relief and massive shock. Major blindside. And THIS is how you play Survivor! I’m happy – maybe more happy than Pharell or what ever his damn name is. Take that silly hat off. You look like a tool.
See you next week and don’t forget to follow me on the tweet machine: GidgitVonLarue
We’ll have a razzle of a time!