Guest Post: Survivor Cagayan – On Yer Bike Lindsay!
Gidget VonLaRue is back with her weekly Survivor recap:
So Lindsay does a Colton (who did it TWICE) and just threw her toys out of the pram over pretty much nothing and quits. After her alliance buddy ex basketball star Cliff was booted, she returns to camp, gets into a tiff with Skelator (Trish) then wanders off into the darkness in her undies and bra and has a big old sook.
Lindsay’s reaction after eviction ceremony
So Jeff is actually called in to ask Lindsay (who is sulking on the beach) why she even bothered entering the show knowing what it’s about, and how does she function in life or hold a job when she’s so precious – yeah ok he says none of that. He just rolls his eyes and does a basic ‘good riddance’ to her as Jeff HATES HATES HATES people that quit (unless they’ve been seriously injured) and you cannot blame him. He’s been hosting this gig since its beginning and knows how many people apply to be on it (a lot). And I agree. Douche bags like Colton who faked an injury to get off the show in his first season then they brought him back with his boyfriend, and yet again he has a tanty and walks off leaving his boyfriend to battle it out alone – sorry, do not deserve to play the game. I never thought I’d see someone top that – but Lindsay just won the ‘big sooky poo poo’ award.
This award is for you Lindsay
Now I was told (by my loving partner) I ‘raved on’ a bit too much last time – so I’ve taken a pill that will make my heart explode in half an hour so that’s the time I’ve got to write this up, find silly pictures and send it to Emma. Wish me luck.
Now you may be wondering it must have been something truly terrible to make Lindsay quit the show – like someone cut off her dreadlocks or made her shave her armpits – but no. It was so mild, so simple, so fucking stupid it’s just mind blowing. After getting back from Cliff’s eviction, Trish who swapped sides from her brawn tribe to try and Mrs Robinson my new husband L.J (bitch) voted for Cliff (her former brawn tribe member to go) AS did ‘I’m not a cop, oh wait I am a cop’ Tony. So now Woo and Lindsay have lost Cliff and turns out Lindsay cannot stop for a moment and think ‘I might be able to turn this around and win this shit’ and instead goes OFF! Yes ok Trish should have kept her skelator mouth closed after returning and just had a nanna nap – but Trish begins to speak and that’s when it all goes to hell in a basket.
Speaks for itself really!
Now before I break down what was said, on the beach later where Lindsay is sulking she tells Jeff that Trish said horrible things to her and about her and she could not be around a person like that. Hmmm, let’s remind ourselves what was said and to who, shall we?:
Trish: Well, I just want to make a few things clear on my end because Lindsay, I just…just…just
Lindsay: Trish, I….
Trish: Excuse me, I’m talking, I’m talking
Lindsay: *eye roll* You guys just screwed up majorly
Trish: And who do you think your alliances are with?
Blah blah. The only thing Trish says even SLIGHTLY insulting to Lindsay is ‘I’ll respect you due to you being in this team, but I don’t like you’. Yep that’s it. Ok now is Lindsay’s turn. It’s a ripper:
Lindsay: You disgust me. Everything about you is annoying. Your laugh, your teeth, your face – everything about you I cannot stand so how about you just back off a little bit and shut up and not talk to me for a little while’.
Trish: So you are telling us you are not on the team?
Lindsay: No I’m telling you I’m not on YOUR team. I find you terrible. You are annoying. I think you might be the most ……(something because Trish started talking over her) person I’ve ever met in my life.
Rest of tribe: AWKWARD
They squabble a bit more then FINALLY someone steps in (quietly by the way because men know not to get in the middle of women fighting) and it’s I’m not a cop Tony. To be honest the argument had already calmed down by the time he decided to step in and do the ‘let’s all calm down shall we’ crap. So NOW Lindsay walks off in a sooky huff, Jeff shows up, she quits – good riddance you useless bitch – and the show BEGINS! Yep, that all happened in the first ten minutes BEFORE the titles! And to be honest it was the most exciting part of tonights show! Can you tell?
In news to her tribe to Lindsay piking out like a piss weak coward, the rest of the tribe are not too sad and Woo sharpens up and makes his pact to his tribe (which is what Lindsay should have done!) Smart Woo. (oh dear god I just googled ‘poo’ and people seriously take photos of their poo and put it up on the internet. There goes that joke. Do NOT look it up unless – well you are into that kind of thing)
So quick titles, then reward challenge. The other tribe is SHOCKED two people are gone – shocked and happy as hell. Sarah the cop is overjoyed. Alexis is just happy she exists because she’s thick as shit. Spencer nails it. ‘Two people out of the game and I didn’t have to do a thing’. Bingo Spencer, bingo.
Reward is holding an idol thing on a platform thing each while they have to be the first to knock the other’s idol off the thing. I like to be precise when reporting. First up is Spencer against Woo. Kinda thought Woo would kung foo Spencer’s head off or something but Spencer (being brains) just rushes Woo, throws his own idol thing into the air so Woo’s lands on the ground first. Smart boy! The rest all square off and Solana win. Can I just say now – Jefra is SUCH a nothing I forget she’s there. She just ‘exists’- same with lawyer woman. I honestly forget she’s there. I hate these type of people winning Survivor. They make no moves, do nothing – just go with the flow. Pretty sure that’s why
they made it final three rather than final two in the finale. Coat tail riders do not deserve to win. Ever.
How dare you – my coat tails are spectacular! I politely say up yours!
So the ‘reward’ is two of the winning team – Tony and Woo – can go around to the opposition’s camp and are given a list of what they can take. They take pillow, cushions, mosquito net and fishing gear because they are really going to need that fishing gear seeing they all fish so much! (huge sarcasm right there)
YES OK I DON’T GET IT. Just ask Andrew Ettingshousen. He’d be fishing his pretty face off out there!
I’m still damn handsome – and I fish. Do you like my fishy? I like my fishy!
Tony ‘I’ not a cop’ pulls a fast one that seems lame but actually nearly works by getting an immunity clue then saying to the opposite tribe he needs to give it to someone. He picks out Bull frog (Jeramiah) to give the clue to. Froggie reveals the beauty tribe already were given that clue (to the cameras and his own team) while Tony and Woo skip off with cosy blankets back to their tribe.
I’d like to just say right now there is not enough L.J in this episode and editors, producers need to improve that situation. Thanks.
Now Tony think’s he is OWNING this game. My partner cannot stand him (he’s a HUGE Boston Rob is the best player ever fan) but I think Tony is doing more than most and let’s not forget – he does have a hidden immunity idol like L.J. Actually Tony’s plan really nearly works in getting Jeramiah’s team to turn against him – nearly, so really he’s playing the game quite well. None of Jeramiah’s team (I know I’m spelling his name wrong but it’s late and my cat just pissed on my foot) is believing him so yes, Tony’s plan is kinda working. When Tony and Woo return to their own tribe Tony shows off his skills of lying – THEN fesses up he’s not a construction worker but is indeed a cop. L.J sums it up privately while soaking his massive member in the cool ocean – “So to solidify Tony is trust worthy – he fesses up that he lied – hmmm different!’. So after Tony’s confession Trish, attempting to be funny I guess, says ‘I need to fess up something as well to you guys – I’m really a man’. At this point I looked at Colonel and he looked at me and both said ‘ok – is possible’!
Trish here – all glammed up to go out on the town no less!
If you ARE going to do that old joke – say you are a swordfish or Beyonce or the hadron collider. But a man – that was a bit too believable Trisha you old dear.
Back in the other tribe Alexis is scrambling to get rid of Jeramiah so badly the brains team are getting all cocky, especially Spencer who knows in normal society Alexis would not piss on him if he was on fire. To be honest all this bit is as boring as political tweets so let’s jump forward to next challenge. Immunity challenge and it’s the old ‘wooden pole staircase, bamboo maze, release machete, cut
rope to puzzle pieces, work out puzzle, flag fall down’ type of challenge. My head hurts and that tablet is starting to kick in. So my sex partner L.J sinks into the mud but remains hot (of course). Woo’s team may be behind but he flies through that obstacle course like a nimble spider monkey as does his team so they all are neck and neck. Jeff calls out the bleedin’ obvious as always but hey, what else is he going to do? That’s what most sports commentators do so yeah – kind of normal. Turns out Tony ‘I’m not a cop’ cannot open a lock. As a cop I guess he’s more used to locking them up, not letting them go?
So L.J is not just god damn handsome, great body, awesome hairy chest and smart – but he can do puzzles! He’s awesome. I wuv him. Sorry Colonel. Threesome?
Tony’s tribe win’s and in celebration he yell’s out ‘top five baby, top five’ which REALLY pisses the losing team off, making them paranoid that Tony and crew have one of their own team on Tony’s side. Have these people all been smoking the weed? The paranoia is mental. They are making ME paranoid – pretty sure there is someone staring into my lounge room window. Oh it’s ok – it’s just my reflection. All good.
To be fair my reflection is pretty scary. I really need to get to a dentist.
Brains, beauty and one brawn, Sarah – go to kick off. See this is where I’d be VERY quiet. Jeff asks me a question – yes or no. That’s it. I would be boring unless I was scrambling to save myself so I’d be very quiet. Yet again I really like Sarah the cop. I liked her the day she knew Tony was a cop and questioned him like he was in a cell under a spotlight being tortured by Jack Bauer. I like her instincts, she’s good in challenges – I want to see Sarah, L.J, Spencer and Woo at the end. Let’s see if that pans out. My first wish is to win Lotto so that may take priority over strangers I could care less about winning 1 million dollars!
I won Lotto? First order of business I want some people killed capish?
So actual SLIGHT surprise Alexis is booted, not bull frog – and pretty sure for the first time ever in Survivor history she cries as Jeff is snubbing out her flame. Then weeps like a baby walking away into the blackness – fantastic. This needs to happen more often. All this tough ‘good luck folks’ crap – no – burst out crying! How about some throwing yourself on the ground and kicking your legs around like a toddler having a tantrum? Let’s have some drama! Oh I know – Jeff says ‘the tribe has spoken, time for you to go’ and you bitch slap him across the face calling him a pig!? These are all ideas for more fun kick offs. Push all that native tiki wood in the god damn fire and set the whole place alight! DRAMA! When Jeff says you must leave reply ‘You talking to me, you talking to me? I don’t see anyone else, you talking to me?’ You may not be the winner – but honey, go out with a bang!
See you next week my lovelies! I’m melting….I’m melting….
(If you are a sicko feel free to follow me on twitter: GidgitVonLarue)