Guest Post: Survivor Cagayan – “I’ve Got Something In My Front Pocket For You”
Another cracker recap from Gidget:
So last episode we are reminded that Alexis cried like a baby without its bottle when she was booted. Sharp move! Her tribe return to camp where they discuss her crying and Bullfrog throws himself to his tribe like Kim Kardashion at a paparazzi camera. (I did not spell Kim’s last name correctly because firstly I can’t stand her or her family, thus I could not be bothered looking her name up!)
Oh don’t cry Kim. No one cares. Curl up somewhere and – yeah you know what to do.
Now Appari have the upper hand with six- compared to five. Spencer from the original Brains tribe is all up in this own shit. He’s stoked and suddenly the remainder of brains tribe feel pretty damn solid. For now anyway…
Sarah the cop straight off starts making sure they are all solid and joined at the hip and blood brothers etc etc. In fact all of Appari are making sure none of them swap if merge happens. Well if anyone watched last week we all KNOW merge was happening. By the way – I hate Cass. Have done since her nerdy stupid ass ‘save J’Tia over a big strong man’ on her team! And now Cass throws the ‘I don’t trust you’ to Sarah – genius. Actually tonight’s show made me feel I was bi polar. I had no idea if that person was doing the right thing and that other person was doing the wrong thing. Am I right?
Yep, thought so.
So back at Solana, they are whinging about the heat – where as they were whinging about the rain three days ago. Bunch of whingers! Go play early Survivor where you got sweet F.A, no food, no comfort – nada. Back then it was HARD. Australia, Africa. This lot are a bunch of sooks. Just watch Naked and Afraid. Makes these people look like they are staying at the Four Seasons in New York!
“Those Survivor brats are pussies’ ‘Yeah tell me about it!’
So the merge happens as everyone expected. Really all they are looking forward to is food, even though I’ve been corrected in them catching seafood. Turns out the show just doesn’t show it. Well if that is true – why are they so hungry? I could live on seafood for a year! (Then I’d probably want KFC or a cheeseburger!)
‘Oh hello you naughty minx, where have you been hiding you cheeky little…nom nom nom)
So turns out not only do they all get food and booze (I’d be hitting the booze like Oliver Reed on a bender), they get a clue for a ‘super’ immunity idol with ‘powers’. Well if it’s Aquaman powers – eh! Just have a sleep in I guess. Tony ‘I’m not a cop, actually I am a cop’ is all excited about it and flexes his 40 year old muscles. Did you miss that? I’m sure you did as I just made it up as the show is pretty dull at this moment. Also the smoke monster from Lost shows up. Yep.
Spencer says to camera ‘I was on the worst tribe, I was at the bottom, I am amazed I’m still here’. Turns out he’s the smartest guy on the show (aside from L.J who can do no wrong).
Oh boo, did you hurt yourself? Let me kiss it better.
So ‘merge’ to Trish means yoga sessions and of course it’s only the girls doing it because yoga is gay. Yeah biatch! If I want to stretch and work my body I’ll go to a swingers party! Meanwhile Tony and L.J (my darling) chat around the fire being all ‘I’m a man, yep I’m a man too – fuck we are both men’ type of way. Bit like a backyard get together BBQ in an Australian backyard – but without the beer or dull conversation. L.J says he wants to go spear fishing as he’s watching Tit’s McGee bend and stretch and he’s about to ‘Benny Hill’ it around the island! In fact Tit’s ‘tits’ are so big she cannot get her head to the ground – but I’m sure she can get her head into other spots! Yeah ok she has an awesome body. Fuck her. I’m allowed to be bitter, I’m over 40 and have veins.
Only those few people that have seen this excellent comedy will get the joke. The rest of you – sorry!
Now Tony knows his side only has 5, where as the other side have 6! He must fix this so he addresses Sarah by not letting her talk what so ever and just barking orders at her like some Nazi (without the cool uniform) Oh don’t get all uptight. They had rocking uniforms.
I STILL think Woo is going to win this, but that aside, Tony feels he needs to get Sarah on side and even though Sarah had a HUGE fall out with Cass from original brains tribe, she still won’t cross over. Welp turns out that was a mega mistake given away by the show that they show Sarah CONSTANTLY during this episode of her saying ‘I’m in the best spot, I’m leading this game, I’m ruling it’. GONER! The show needs to edit it a bit better. Way back when legend Boston Rob was playing the MINUTE anyone said ‘I’m the decider, I’m the most important person etc’ – welp Boston Rob just got everyone to vote them out. Genius. Brilliant. Best player of the game ever! And turns out he was pretty spot on. Sarah the cop gets all antsy with Cass. Cass gets pissed off (to be fair Sarah’s idea was correct – get rid of the strong athletic men now, keep the weak) but for some ‘out of the sky’ reason Cass now has a HUGE problem with Trish!? Where did that come from? Did the spirit of dreadlocks drift over to Cass? Plus turns out Sarah’s idea of booting Woo was spot on as he wins the next immunity idol and is safe!
‘I’ll kung foo my way into winning this whole thing – even though that’s kind of racist’.
So Sarah and Cass get into a scragg fight and instantly hate each other. Sarah gets all big headed and thinks she’s ruling the game. Obviously she has not watched prior seasons when the person that is all ‘I own this game, I’m the deciding vote’ mostly gets voted off instantly. Ship of fools, island of morons! Not sure what Cass’s deal is either? For a lawyer she’s pretty stupid and paranoid. Turns out in America you don’t have to be able to spell your own name to be a nuclear engineer or a lawyer! Awesome! I’d be a supreme court fucking judge if I grew up in USA it turns out!
Ok I’ve aged badly, but I can put your arse in jail for life m** f***!
Tony and L.J are keeping their immunity idols close to their lovely beefy chests – oh I need some relief like stat. In a way I think if Tony had done the whole ‘look Sarah, I have an immunity idol – we are all going to vote for you if you do not join us – and if I think you will vote someone else off from my tribe, I’ll give it to them – so your call honey’ well she might have played ball but probably not. She’s a stubborn little minx who still thinks she’s running this whole shabang. (that word needs to be used more often these days!).
By now Cass and Sarah the cop are at logger heads and you just know it’s all going to end badly. But on the bright side – awesome fucking elimination round! Oh lordy! Sorry, getting ahead of myself. (it’s sooooooooooooo good).
I’m honestly watching this not sure who is the biggest moron. Cass wants to punch Sarah, Sarah thinks she’s all that, L.J is just sexy as hell – it’s chaos! If Sarah had just gone straight to Trish after Cass wanted Trish gone, and said ‘hey no lips, yeah Cass wants you gone’ I don’t then think what happened in this show would have happened. But damn these people are thick. Tasha actually says the smartest thing of the whole show ‘let’s forget this and all get together and keep tight’ but nerdy Cass gets all paranoid and geeky. Brains tribe? Really? I’m starting to really hate Cass, and kind of siding with Sarah (big mistake). But let’s not forget they are merged now so anyone ‘booted’ is on the jury who DECIDES WHO WINS! Season after season people forget this. Before merge, hell feed them to the sharks or use their bodies for fire wood, but AFTER the merge, just remember these people that are booted are bitter, very bitter. The less you have done to them, and the more you have played the game, the more they will vote for you. Lie all you like before merge, but after you need to rethink your game! Not that I’m a fan of the show or anything!
I’m no reality show nerd! How dare you!
So next is immunity challenge. Gah it’s a swimming challenge – I think. There is water. Where is J’Tia? But alas turns out it’s one of those standing on small stuff until your feet cramp up and fall off challenge. I KNOW for a fact I’d be out straight off because 1. It’s hard 2. It’s boring. Life is too short to do this crap and I’d be playing ‘the game’ socially so I’d be in that lovely water after Jeff says ‘everyone take your positions’. Straight off Colonel and I said ‘guys out first’. Only because guys have bigger feet and more body mass and chicks have smaller feet. But turns out once to the top of the balance thingie – two guys left! Well smack my arse and call me Betty!
Go Betty! 100? Go for it!
So once they hit ‘surfer’ type balance it’s only Tony and Woo left. Obviously both have surfed before. They have this balance down! Tony caves, Woo wins (he’s winning this whole thing, I’m telling you) and smug team literally now have 3 immunity idols. Pretty sure they are all safe. Oh wait – they are – booyah!
Random shot of bats for no reason what so ever – ok – fine – I guess.
The fact the show shows Sarah so much saying ‘I’m it, I’m the one, I’m solid, I’m awesome’ instantly shows she’s a goner – and yeah she is! There is a lot of back and forth, but the build up to the immunity is so nuts I was rolling my eyes so much they are stuck in the ‘looking at a bird’ position thus cannot see what I’m typing. Trouble is Sarah got way too cocky. As Han Solo said to Luke – ‘Don’t get cocky kid.’ Not that I’ve seen Star Wars 100 times or anything!
‘Hi Diane – yes she’s doing Star Wars references. Things are not looking good’
So Sarah gets SO cocky she thinks she’s sitting pretty. She should have gone with Tony – but eh, in a perfect world?! So Trish, the kind of useless skinny old chick actually makes a move and approaches Cass who is already kind of pissed at Sarah – ok really pissed. Doesn’t take much for brain tribe Cass to swing to the other side (remind me again what her profession is?) and Trish finally makes a big move other than just being damn annoying to dreadlocks hairdresser idiot and having a folding chair stomach.
Can I just say now, after watching every single episode of Survivor – this season is up there for sure. No favourites, no return players. Just old fashioned Survivor and it works.
At Tribal, well – it’s all on like Donkey Kong. Two men with hidden immunity idols, Sarah thinking she’s safe as houses – L.J is questioned by Jeff and says some pretty dumb stuff but he’s hot so all is forgiven. Shallow? Me? Bah! But that aside – this is one of the best tribal’s ever. I found myself clapping! Like, literally clapping.
Booyah! Tony admits he has an immunity idol. Spencer questions him. Tony yanks it out and threatens it’s not just for him, but for his whole team! This shit is getting real. Instantly the opposite team including Spencer is literally yelling ‘the other one, the other one’. Now I thought the ‘other one’ was L.J, as HE probably did! After voting, Tony wants his immunity idol validated by Jeff. He then GIVES IT to L.J – thinking he is the ‘other one’ – then wammo – L.J pulls out his immunity idol and gives it to Tony! This shit is getting crazy up in here! But turns out the ‘other one’ is Jeffra – not L.J. Jeffra is on the verge of tears – and I’m on the verge of tears for such an AWESOME GOD DAMN VOTE OFF! THIS is why I watch this show! Last week first crying at elimination – tonight first applause at who was booted!
Tony used his idol for L.J – L.J used his idol for Tony – Jeff was all ‘awesome, huge ratings’ and Sarah ‘I rule this game, I’m in control, I’m god’ is gone! Funniest thing is her final speech when she says ‘I’m not sure why Cass voted for me?’. Is she mental? Has she been taking drugs?? Does she not remember the three and maybe more arguments she had with Cass???? Well you are gone now Sarah you f*ck up! Key to winning this game – keep your damn mouth shut until needed. End of the day who CARES what you do or get rid of people before merge. You’ll probably never see them again until reunion. But AFTER merge, yeah be smart. People are bitter resentful pieces of crap. Trust me, I’ve worked with them! Play the game, be fair – ah fuck. There is not right way to do it. Boston Rob didn’t win his first season and he was awesome. Also been a few shit undeserving winners as well! There is no right way I guess which makes this show one of the best on TV!
Aside from Colonel and I getting married – which was fucking awesome!
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