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Survivor Cagayan: Tony – Would You Like To Try On This Straitjacket?

Turns out Tony ‘I’m not a cop’ doesn’t like being voted for, even if he’s not eliminated. Guess he takes it personally as once they return to base camp he kind of freaks out over his name being written down. Has he never watched Survivor before? End of the day everyone’s name is going to be written down at some point! Plus he’s in the majority so why stir up shit? Well he’s only just beginning because turns out Tony has taken on the spirit of Russell Hantz. I’ll explain that a bit later.

russell hantz

So I take it even YOU didn’t vote for me huh!?

So Tony’s unreasoning back at camp flows out like he’s taken a bag of delusional crazy pills. He actually says to Spencer and the alliance with the least numbers ‘You should have come to me, because you all should have voted for Tits – I mean Morgan’. Spencer, as confused as the rest of us, says ‘well why didn’t you come to us?’ to which Tony nut bag replies ‘we have the numbers, we don’t need your votes, but you should have voted our way’. Ummmm ok Tony you fruit cake. You didn’t need their votes to get rid of Tits, but you are pissed at them that they didn’t use their votes to write down Tit’s name??? Paging Doctor fruit loop – your next patient is ready for you!

crazy scientist

Bend over Tony – time for your med’s.

Tony ‘I’m not going to make a fool out of myself’ – too late dude, you have!  You look like a paranoid dick. I did notice with LJ’s conversation with Trish on the beach looks like my lover L.J was bitten by some nasty insect over his eyelid. Eh, he’s still hot. I see him going far in this show…..bwahahahahaha! Turns out Tony still hates L.J – perhaps because L.J is taller, more handsome, has hair (just) and has a bigger dick (I’m guessing or hoping) but Tony is still playing the ‘I’m on your side’ crap by suggesting to L.J, who seems to have lost all his cunnings, to get rid of Woo. L.J NEVER suggests it, Tony does but it’s enough (aside from Trish) to start SOME getting people on his alliance against L.J. Why? He’s jealous – simple as that. Tony is a short arse bald guy with black eyes, like Cass’s hatred for Tits – pure jealously. Yeah ok Tit’s was lazy and vein and self absorbed, but she never would have won if you took her to the final three. Seems people are forgetting by this stage EVERYTHING YOU DO, you are doing to do to a possible jury member! Yet again, Russell Hantz in TWO seasons got to final three, but had fucked over so many people as he played the ‘now’ game, not the ‘future’ game by the time booted contestants were jury members – he never got one vote! Twice to final three! Not one person wrote his name down. All your actions come back to bite you in the arse if you make it final three. Don’t be a coat tail rider, and don’t be the leader in lying and deceiving people. That shit comes back to haunt you big time!

WHAT!

I tried to open a bakery once with my criminal husband – turned out not such a great idea!

So the reward challenge is sand bags – throwing sandbags, throwing sandbags then bouncing sandbags. The remaining contestants are broken up into three groups of 3. Reward is a massage (no thanks. If I have someone touching me I want them to finish the job) some chicken wraps and a shower. As always everyone gets more excited than if Santa flew down their chimney Christmas day and gave them all oral sex. There is only one all male team. Guess what – they win. Yeah yeah sexist! Men are better athletes ok. They run faster, hit a tennis ball harder, can lift more weight, take tougher tackles, do harder skate dancing tricks….I’ll just head back to the kitchen now and keep my damn bitch mouth shut huh!?

bon ami

“Oh honey, you know what else I ‘clean up quick’ – your bank account while you are banging the hot secretary in your office! Oh yes, I watch Mad Men biatch!”

To be honest if I won this challenge – I’d be all ‘fuck the massage, fuck the chicken wraps – where is that booze!?’ Hi, my name is Gidgit and I’m a borderline alcoholic.

Yet again Cass and Tasha do absolutely fuck all in the challenge leaving it for Woo the stealth Ninja to do pretty much everything. I will say Tony KILLS it in the bouncing a sand bag off a trampoline into a net challenge. So the all boy team of Tony, Jeramiah was a bullfrog and Spencer all go to reward. Can I just say at this point (and really the whole game) hot little Jeffra is about as useful and interesting as one of the palm trees – only they provide food! If she gets to final three I’ll be blurting out a very spiteful rant about this dumb useless cu….girl she is and how she does not only not deserve to win, but should have been gone AGES ago! Sure I hate certain people but I want the nasty delusional bastards in to make it interesting. She is pointless.

connect one

Yep, more pointless than this! (Even I cracked up over this one!)

Sadly my lover L.J goes a little big delusional (let’s face it, when Tony said to him let’s get rid of Woo, LJ should have gone straight to Woo and said ‘hey, Tony wants you gone dude’ – but yet again – noooooooo) L.J is trusting Tony way too much because obviously he’s thinking of me and that can be distracting. I understand. To be honest it was that whole ‘I’ll save you, you save me’ idol business two shows ago. And ummm, if they are all sitting out in the ocean in a boat, how about try fishing?

fish on man

I make love to you, like you want me to, and I’ll hold you tight, baby all through the night.

Meanwhile at reward challenge Tony, Spencer and Bull Frog get some cocktails, their dirty feet massaged by women who have just given up, and some chicken wraps and spring rolls. Tony is just talking crap saying he’d rather keep Spencer and Bull Frog around. Bull Frog kind falls for it but Spencer is ‘da man’ and suspects Tony and is smart enough to know the old rule of Survivor – as long as it’s not me (and I don’t piss off jury members!)

Can I just say the water behind them looks absolutely gorgeous and I’d be swimming in that so much my body would look like a prune! Tip from my late step father – you have sores or infection – get in salt water. You’re welcome! Those Bondi Rescue life guards have flawless skin for a reason!

surf lifesavers

Show off’s!

So 3 person alliance against 6 person alliance huh? Easy, just pick off least amount of people alliance I would think?? Tasha tried to secretly talk to L.J but he refuses to go. Way to go L.J. Now you have pissed off Tasha. I kind of understand your reasoning because you want to ravish me, but seriously dude! At this time in Survivor and the people you boot are on the jury DECIDING if you win a million dollars – might want to play it smart. Be cunning but be smart.  Tony is still obsessed with getting rid of my new husband L.J – and now it is immunity challenge. It’s all about memory of colour tiles in the right order of how Jeff reads them out. I’ll admit I kind thought Spencer would win this, but alas – it’s Tasha. And boy is she happy! Ok it starts off easy. My partner Colonel and I tried to play this (don’t say you didn’t either) and we had to refer to each other to get it right. And we were well fed and not bug bitten!

woman and gun

And looking fucking awesome for the Royal visit! (We live in the Blue Mountains!)

Tasha wins the ‘match the right colour tiles’ challenge and Tony goes nuts! With them not knowing Spencer has an immunity idol, Tasha with immunity – their vote should have been Bull Frog.  But turns out Tony makes up some bullshit (that seems to work) and sides with smaller alliance and Woo, leaving out the women (Cass, Jeffra and Trish). Tony runs around with spinning too many plates in the air it seems. Woo falls for Tony’s bullshit. And of course the smaller alliance all hop on board as you would because you are trying to save your own ass. Turns out Tony’s mental paranoia is working on just the right amount of people to get L.J out. I SO want Spencer to win this whole thing so badly! Spencer sums it up, yet again ‘let’s just let them kill each other’. Tony tries to bribe Trish but Trish is trying to seduce L.J in that weird wacky grandmother at Christmas a bit too drunk time tries to kiss you on the lips in that icky kind of way!

granny

Pucker up, buttercup!

Tribal Council and the editors have given nothing away – aside from we pretty much know my lover L.J is a goner! Ok, so they gave everything away no matter how hard they tried! At boot out Jeff grills them all. L.J confirms he feels solid and secure – final last words. As Cass is talking she should see so far the only two people on the jury HATE HER GUTS! Let us go back a tad to Russell Hantz. For you Survivor fans you’ll know the deal – for those not so up to date – Russell Hantz was an angry little pit bull who fought hard, made deals, lied to people over and over – and had this weird way of playing – as long as I fuck over so many people possible I should be good. Lie to them, cheat, be a prick – if I get to the end they will vote for me out of admiration. Nope. That’s not how it works Russell Hantz . Russell was in TWO seasons of Survivor, got to the final three TWICE – and did not get one vote! End of the day it’s not about just getting to the end, it’s about winning over the jury who decides who gets one million dollars!  They all must forget that! So yadda yadda my new husband is gone. L.J gets voted out just as Tony planned. Spencer celebrates a bit too much. Calm it down dude. You are being viewed by the jury. Edit: The one really weird thing is when Jeff asks Tony what he does, Tony says ‘construction’. Sarah on the jury reacts like ‘are you on drugs dude?’ as we viewers do! What are you doing Tony??

L.J now third person on the jury, and looks like it’s all going to change again next week because suddenly Tony lying to Cass, Trish and what’s her name – will put them against him (and Woo) and suddenly Spencer, Tasha and Jeramiah are in power! Awesome! Win this shit Spencer. (Now you are out of Survivor L.J – want to come visit the Blue Mountains? Hell, Prince William and Kate did!)

smart ass friend

See you next week Survivor fans!

 

22 comments

1 Sandii { 04.18.14 at 1:13 pm }

“(no thanks. If I have someone touching me I want them to finish the job)”
Funniest thing I have read on this site yet.

2 Juz { 04.18.14 at 1:51 pm }

I was surprised to see Woo voted for LJ, too. Did I miss footage of Tony persuading him to target LJ? I wonder if there was an idol clue at the spa reward and the boys missed it? When’s the super special idol going to appear?

3 Gidgitvonlarue { 04.18.14 at 2:10 pm }

Always good spelling ‘straight’ wrong in the title! I need to stop drinking when writing this!!!!

4 Rosie { 04.18.14 at 2:32 pm }

Bye bye my beloved, LJ! (He’s mine, Gidgit, you hussy! Justbecause you make me cack myself laughing with your fabulous recaps every week doesn’t mean you get your mitts on MY LJ!)

And why oh why can’t Tony see past his nose? He’s entertaining as a player, I’ll give him that, but pissing off every future jury member ain’t gonna win him the money. Also, why didn’t one of the players at Tribal who knew he was a cop not pipe up and just call him on the construction malarkey there and then? In other words, prove there and then that he was a Lying McLiar who Lies? Still would have been too late – probably – for my darling LJ, but would have set things a’hopping.

Ah well. Maybe they’ll wake up to him by now and move him to the Ponderosa next week.

5 brain dead dave { 04.18.14 at 2:54 pm }

Hey, no sweat, GVL. That is a correct spelling of strait-jacket in your heading , though my dictionary hyphenates it. Have a drink for me ,I had to quit. Love your work,just don’t get to see the show very often.

6 Reality Raver { 04.18.14 at 2:58 pm }

my bad I changed in the title but not in the text

7 daisy { 04.18.14 at 2:58 pm }

Aawwwh. I love the pucker up buttercup lady.

I haven’t had time to read all yet but thanks for the recap.

And for fun in tne jungle. Someone used Woolif’s sunlonge for SEX last night. I found it pushed towrd the shrubbery, then I found a franger.
Lucky Mrs OCD travels with dettol and a dish cloth so I don’t have to lay on other people’s sweat and boogs.
I AM the only weirdo washing her sun lounge every morning. But AM I weird? I once saw a guy in Cambodia cleaning his earwax and wiping it on his sun lounge.
Back later.
GVL, condolences, but maybe RR might let you do this interview.
Yeah?

8 brain dead dave { 04.18.14 at 3:07 pm }

Coca-Cola is a very effective spermicide, daisy, if you want to be thorough with that “fun lounge”.

9 Rosie { 04.18.14 at 4:48 pm }

Ha! I just read on the “reality.tv” forums that Tony committed a premature LJaculation! :)

And it’s taken me all this time to figure out who my sweetheart (yes, LJ, of course, please keep up ;)) reminds me of: Luke Perry! And I am not now, nor have I ever been remotely interested in Mr Perry. Although I loved his turn in Oz.

10 Rosie { 04.18.14 at 4:52 pm }

If someone mentioned earlier the resemblance between LJ and LP, I apologize for not keeping up, and will retire to my corner. However should I be the first, I shall preen. Then again, if no one agrees with me, I shall shrug and um… I dunno, have another drink I guess.

11 Sioux Denim { 04.18.14 at 5:29 pm }

Think you onto something Rosie, definitely a similiarity!

Awesome recap Gidgit, very funny lady x

By god, I hope Tony gets to Final 3 and doesnt get a vote.

Im kinda liking Bullfrog, the rugged looks suits him and god dammit that drawl is sexy! Spencer too boring to win, even Tash has got more balls than him!

12 Alicia { 04.18.14 at 5:43 pm }

Great recap. I had a laugh when Tony said he nearly shit himself at tribal and he turns around and had a big wet patch on his butt.

Took me a few minutes to work out who Bullfrog was….

13 emp { 04.18.14 at 7:42 pm }

tony is da best, he’s playing a better social game then russel h did

14 Anonymous { 04.18.14 at 8:07 pm }

Thanks again Gidgit… Just love your recaps. Always very funny and entertaining. I felt for you when LJ got voted out.

15 daisy { 04.18.14 at 8:29 pm }

Thanks BDD, I sent Woolif out to get some coke.

Sioux, Spencer might have balls, but just not want to show them yet.
If you flash your balls to early, you have a target on your back. As for LJ, I think large balls were assumed.
Sioux, I like your idea of Tony getting to the end and getting zero jury votes. I would love to se him try his cops-r-us on stupid Sarah again.

16 Juz { 04.18.14 at 10:37 pm }

Rosie – I get the Luke Perry thing. Must be the furrowed brow. But LJ is ageing far better than poor Luke. Surely Trish will never forgive Tony for turfing out her cougar crush. She could perhaps convince Kass to team with her and Jefra to oust Tony. Or she could stick with Tony til the end as I don’t think he sees her as a threat, when in fact she has made some big moves of her own.

17 daisy { 04.18.14 at 11:38 pm }

That Jeffra girl is a bit boring, and only OK looking.

Go Tash, Spencer or Bullfrog. In any order.

BDD, he came back with the wrong coke.
There will only be one thing worse than them having sex on A’s sun lounge again tonight. And I think you can guess what that is.

18 Ali { 04.19.14 at 12:14 pm }

Thanks for all the hilarious recapz Gidgit. Also, it looks like you stole Duchess Kate’s hair.

I would not be surprised if Jeffra … Who? took this out. A number of others had the intention of flying under the radar but only two have successfully used it as a strategy: MH370 and Jeffra … Who?

19 daisy { 04.19.14 at 3:13 pm }

Yeah Ali, I guessed who Jeffra when GVL mentioned her because she was the one I didn’t know.

20 Carole { 04.19.14 at 8:31 pm }

I was thinking of you Gidget every time Tony said he was going to vote off LJ. I was imagining you will a voodoo doll of Tony & sticking pins in it.

The look on Sarah’s face when Tony said he was in construction was a classic. I know the jury members aren’t allowed to speak, but I would have loved her to have stood up and said ‘you’re a cop you fucking liar’. I half hope he makes it to the final 3 so she can out him.

And I’m with you Gidget, fuck the massage & chicken wraps, give me the alcohol!!!!!

21 daisy { 04.19.14 at 8:57 pm }

They get excited over peanut paste and chocolate but I think I would be hanging out forreal food; eg roats chicken and roast veggies with gravy, or a big Scotch Fillet steak with grilled veggies and grilled field mushrooms and chips or beer battered wedges.

22 Eliza { 04.25.14 at 1:38 am }

Ha, this is hilarious, thanks Gidgit. I haven’t been watching Survivor in ages but I had the catch up eps on today while I was painting and let’s just say I didn’t get much done during that time.. damn Survivor always gets me hooked!

Ok, that Tony is SO annoying. I get it, he is entertaining but my gosh he is crazy. They always have to have one sociopath who is totes ba-nay-nays. I reckon he was jealous of L.J. After watching for 2 mins I was already on Jeremiah, Spencer and Tasha’s side. I love Jeremiah’s accent, it cracks me up.

p.s Daisy, that is very unfortunate (gross) re your sun bed. Maybe you could attach a trap to it. I am not feeling very creative to come up with a funny suggestion.