Annajjj is back to cover House Rules. Yippee. And her first recap is a cracker:
We’re baaaaack! Welcome to the new season of House Rules where viewers are really hoping this program doesn’t go the way of the scripted (ruined) MKR.
We kick off with a few tantalising scenes of the drama coming up in the next few weeks and then suddenly we are at House Rules headquarters (??) where teams assemble briefly for a brief from Jo. Last season’s stylist has been sacked and Jo appears in a nice top and jacket to advise the new teams that the ultimate prize is to have their “entire mortgage paid off…….for good.” The ‘for good’ part seems a bit redundant as no one really expected to have to pay the money back after six months.
We get a quick look at the teams and frankly there’s not a whole lot of diversity this year, in fact several of the teams look very similar. Two teams of long haired blonde babes with olive skinned babe boyfriends, two older fair couples and two brunettes with matching smiley-faced husbands.
Jo announces the first team to have their house made over and it’s Candy and Ryan Gosling*
We get the first of the brief introductions to the teams and Candy and the Gosling tell us they don’t have a hope in hell of affording a reno; they can barely manage the mortgage repayments but really it’s a bit early to wheel out the sob stories as we’re still trying to work out who the hell is who. I suspect the Lloyd/Adam Lisa/Maddi thing will bring me undone in upcoming recaps.
Candy and Ryan head off on holiday while the remaining teams rush into their house to try and uncover the couple’s style. We get another cutaway, this time to Joanne and Warwick Capper who have moved to WA and are now calling themselves Carole and Russell. We watch them doing a bit of a workout where Russell drops forty kilos on to his chest much to Carole’s amusement then cut over to Mel and Bomber who think Candy and the Gos are probably a brand new couple. And Team Bomb would know, potkettleblack, having been together for only a few weeks themselves.
Time for zone allocation and house rules. The Cappers get the kitchen and dining room. Team Bomb get the bathroom and guest room, the Tassie couple, Brooke and Grant, get the master bedroom, ensuite and walk in robe. Adam and Lisa (I think) get the entry, study and family room and Maddi and Lloyd have (bizarrely) the living room, laundry and pantry.
How is this actually decided? Expect later seasons will have this decided by some sort of draw for the teams. Pull aprons out of a hat, knives out of each others backs etc…
Before we get to the house rules Jo points out the countdown clock and warns teams that “this is your worst enemy” but truthfully Caroline McCrave Burns is your worst enemy and she’ll be along shortly to point out your shortcomings and undermine your confidence.
Ad break and last year’s winners Carly and Leighton are pimping Subway and WTF is with Leighton’s hair? Clearly someone thinks Bert Newton’s toupee is a good look.
We’re back and House Rules are revealed:
> Style our home edgy and arty (god did these people learn nothing from last season?)
> Deliver one off pieces and graphic pieces
> Showcase the bath in the master suite
> Dish up Citrus and concrete in our kitchen
> Give Candy crazy colour in a fun laundry
Brooke and Grant tell us they have 7 very good little reasons for winning and we catch quick glimpses of Sneezy, Doc and Happy before we cut to the teams retiring for the night to the Adtura Hotel and in case you missed that we get another shot of the hotel sign. Adtura.
One third the way through and not a lot of reno yet.
1st proper day and demolition begins. Walls come down, carpet comes up and we are left in no doubt that the Cappers don’t like each other much. They’re also a bit stymied by the whole ‘citrus concrete’ rule. It’s yellow cement gice, how hard can that be? Meanwhile Maddi and Lloyd have a cunning winning strategy which is to refuse to engage anyone else in conversation. By doing this they hope to establish themselves as an unknown quantity, fly under the radar, be the underdogs. Either that or come across as complete weirdos.
Team Bomb have made a pact not to fight which is already being tested. Elsewhere Lisa fluffs around with tools and skirting boards and then manages to prise off a plank which falls on her head. According to her bio, Lisa graduated with honours and one of the years top grades, undertaking a double degree in commerce and business as well as being an accomplished sportswoman but she seems determined to cast herself in the role of resident House Rules ditz.
After a few action shots and a bit of blood we interrupt Candy and Ryan on holiday. These home owners eyeballed the competition for approximately 18 seconds at the start of the show but that was enough for them to decide Brooke and Grant don’t showcase themselves well and probably don’t have a compatible style with the kool kids. In other words Mr and Mrs McFrump are just not going to cut it. Harsh.
Back at the house demo continues and oh here we go, McCrave Burger and Chester! have shown up. McCrave, in monochrome and ignoring her own pop-of-color advice, trots over to question Maddi and Lloyd’s decision to forgo a television in favour of a piece of artwork the owners can sit and stare at each evening. McCrave suggests a fireplace and for once I agree with her. Chester and McCrave exit stage left.
The Cappers are getting hassled by their tradies, we get our first F-bomb and did anyone else notice George Columbaris sneaking on to set pretending to be a tradie? Meanwhile Team Bomb are stressing about their stupid wardrobe not fitting in their space and Mel sensibly suggests they remove the doors, sides, back and shelves. Back to the Cappers and how are they still married? Carole seems to actively hate her husband.
A bit of light relief as the boy babes try to teach their respective girl babes how to drive stick shift cars. Maddi gives up early in the piece so by default Adam takes out the My Girlfriend Rules title. Then back to the grumpy Cappers and if they are going to go the strops with each other every ten minutes this is going to get boring fast. Even Michelle gave Kel the odd bit of positive encouragement.
Lisa puts a bit more effort into establishing her ditziness, then back to Team Bomb getting cranky, more Capper strops, more demolition, then Bomber deciding the best solution for dealing with the wardrobe from hell is to bury it in the wall cavity.
Adam drives Lisa to the shops (are there no buses? Taxis?) and then in a stunning display of sexism we then get all the blokes staying at the house doing the heavy work while the girlies go shopping. Pfffft.
More demo, bedlam, Mel needs to pee but so does Bomber and she kindly offers to fetch him a bottle to wee in and he refuses and really it’s not the sort of thing you want your girlfriend of 8 months to do is it? Hold the bottle while you wee in it? Mind you these two were living together 90 days after meeting so who knows.
A quick stoush between Adam and Grant where Grant behaves like a dick and that’s it! We’re done. Any favourites emerging at this stage? Adam is a bit of a babe and I think Mel could be good fun. No one else is really shining at this early stage. It’s a bit boring so far but that’s possibly because we are still at the demolition stage. Once the rooms start coming together expect a bit more fun.
*thank you Georgie for pointing out Ryan is the dead spit of Ryan Gosling; I initially thought Shannon Ponton’s younger brother but babe you nailed it!