Guest Post: House Rules – Russell Continues To Be Demasculated And Other Couples Fight Amongst The Rubble
Annajjj continues with the recaps of House Rules:
It’s episode two and our expectations are running high tonight. C’mon 7 show us you can do a reality show with resorting to contrived editing and manufactured drama.
First up we get the opening montage of contestants and this year the music is Change your Life by a British girl group, last season was Life in colour by an American pop rock group. Really would it be so hard to find an Aussie musician for the theme song? Actually scrap that idea, we’d probably end up with Guy Sebastian’s Battle scars or Tina Arena’s Reset All and then we’d really struggle with the ratings.
Three days in and the teams arrive back at the house and it’s now stripped bare. Quick cross to Candy and Gosling on a beach somewhere who hope the teams don’t misinterpret the house rules. No worries there C&R, you’ve been very specific and nothing can possibly go wrong.
Back to Team Bomb who are still wrestling with the horrible scruffy orange wardrobe (and here’s betting they wished they’d never clapped eyes on the bloody thing) and wondering how to modify it to work and then back to Ryan Gosling saying he’ll be spewin’ if the wardrobe gets changed in the slightest and oh I’m over this bit already. Just burn it.
Over to (probably) Maddi and Lloyd who are determined to bring loads of colour to the laundry/pantry…..Well Lolly and Gosling said they wanted colour so they’re getting Colour. In spades. And in laundries. Then Maddi tears strips off Lloyd but really only his singlet and only for the purpose of showing off how hot her man is. When you can’t bring the convincing sob story you bring the hot bod. Well I’m sold.
Grant and Brooke counter strike with their seven reasons to win and snore….their secret weapon for this round is their black tub but in marches McGravy Burger to point out the bleeding obvious two minutes too late. You’ve gone about this all wrong, she smirks, you’re thinking of this in 2D whereas the real world operates in 3D. Not any world I’d want to occupy with you McNegative. Is there anything we can do to fix it? asks Brooke not really understanding McGravel’s role in this show. No, no you’re basically stuffed.
Chester! calls Russell over to show him where he has stuffed up and advises him to hire a real bloke to do it properly. Ouch. Just in case Russell’s balls are still hanging on by a thread Carole grabs a hammer and completes the amputation. We then cross to Team Bomb to see how their fledgling relationship is holding up and yes they’re having a fight too. Bomber can’t see the point of ordering art before there is a wall to hang it on and Mel can’t see the point of a wall without art and it’s the whole chicken/egg conundrum. We get a bit of sad violin while Bomber tries to play the sympathy card; he’s a cook, cleaner, etc and yeah welcome to the lives of most working couples/parents Bomber.
A bit of Mel shopping and spending up big then briefly back to the Lisa/Maddi can’t drive these cars drama then more bloody McCraven who produces two automatic transmission cars and ok wtf didn’t they do this in the first place? Oh because Drama.
Next up is a quick reminder of the edgy arty brief with Mel worrying that there is a danger of the house becoming a big stupid colourful blob. Oh I don’t think you have to worry about that Mel, of course it will be. Lisa tells us her head is vacant and then trots off to buy a floating stained glass something…sculpture? House Rules editors try to make a thing out of all the bathroom tiles arriving at the same time but it doesn’t really work. Over to Candy Crush who says she won’t be happy if there is citrus anywhere but in the kitchen and you probably should have made that a bit clearer. As with last season these teams desperately seize on anything they think will help them win and if I were you I’d be expecting lemon, lime and orange from the front door to the back porch.
Lisa no Maddi no definitely Lisa has written off her (easier to drive automatic) car and valiantly tries to repair the crushed side panel with a bit of spit and thumb rubbing action. Strangely this doesn’t work and she has to fess up to the ever patient Adam who declares that she is really one of life’s winners but yeah no one is buying that. A bit more wardrobe saga, but who cares not me, and Lloyd and Maddi are still sticking with their strategy of refusing to talk to anyone making them the most boring couple and the other teams are becoming hip to your jive* gice.
Teams retire to Azture or something and Bomber hasn’t peed for 15 hours and get over the urination fixation Bomber. Grant and Brooke Skype their dwarfs and I wonder who got landed with babysitting for three months?
The following day we get a little drama as no one thought to order flooring and there’s more sookiness from Lisa. Then Brooke and Grant remind us they have 7 kids because some viewers may have forgotten this. We’re also told Grant is a raging bull (mind. blown.) and there is more Team Bomb what-shall-we-do-with-this-sodding-orange-wardrobe then over to Carole who is fretting about the whole citrus rule thing and it’s all too hard and confusing. Poor baby. Carole has a happy moment when she pressures someone to offer up their own personal artwork for her and Iggy pop (oh yes BDD!) tells us he and Carole like to smell the roses. Suspect that’s not all you’re sniffing Gapper….