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Guest Post: House Rules – Russell Continues To Be Demasculated And Other Couples Fight Amongst The Rubble

Annajjj continues with the recaps of House Rules:

It’s episode two and our expectations are running high tonight. C’mon 7 show us you can do a reality show with resorting to contrived editing and manufactured drama.

First up we get the opening montage of contestants and this year the music is Change your Life by a British girl group, last season was Life in colour by an American pop rock group. Really would it be so hard to find an Aussie musician for the theme song? Actually scrap that idea, we’d probably end up with Guy Sebastian’s Battle scars or Tina Arena’s Reset All and then we’d really struggle with the ratings.

Three days in and the teams arrive back at the house and it’s now stripped bare. Quick cross to Candy and Gosling on a beach somewhere who hope the teams don’t misinterpret the house rules. No worries there C&R, you’ve been very specific and nothing can possibly go wrong.

Back to Team Bomb who are still wrestling with the horrible scruffy orange wardrobe (and here’s betting they wished they’d never clapped eyes on the bloody thing) and wondering how to modify it to work and then back to Ryan Gosling saying he’ll be spewin’ if the wardrobe gets changed in the slightest and oh I’m over this bit already. Just burn it.

Over to (probably) Maddi and Lloyd who are determined to bring loads of colour to the laundry/pantry…..Well Lolly and Gosling said they wanted colour so they’re getting Colour. In spades. And in laundries. Then Maddi tears strips off Lloyd but really only his singlet and only for the purpose of showing off how hot her man is. When you can’t bring the convincing sob story you bring the hot bod. Well I’m sold.

Grant and Brooke counter strike with their seven reasons to win and snore….their secret weapon for this round is their black tub but in marches McGravy Burger to point out the bleeding obvious two minutes too late. You’ve gone about this all wrong, she smirks, you’re thinking of this in 2D whereas the real world operates in 3D. Not any world I’d want to occupy with you McNegative. Is there anything we can do to fix it? asks Brooke not really understanding McGravel’s role in this show. No, no you’re basically stuffed.

Chester! calls Russell over to show him where he has stuffed up and advises him to hire a real bloke to do it properly. Ouch. Just in case Russell’s balls are still hanging on by a thread Carole grabs a hammer and completes the amputation. We then cross to Team Bomb to see how their fledgling relationship is holding up and yes they’re having a fight too. Bomber can’t see the point of ordering art before there is a wall to hang it on and Mel can’t see the point of a wall without art and it’s the whole chicken/egg conundrum. We get a bit of sad violin while Bomber tries to play the sympathy card; he’s a cook, cleaner, etc and yeah welcome to the lives of most working couples/parents Bomber.

A bit of Mel shopping and spending up big then briefly back to the Lisa/Maddi can’t drive these cars drama then more bloody McCraven who produces two automatic transmission cars and ok wtf didn’t they do this in the first place? Oh because Drama.

Next up is a quick reminder of the edgy arty brief with Mel worrying that there is a danger of the house becoming a big stupid colourful blob. Oh I don’t think you have to worry about that Mel, of course it will be. Lisa tells us her head is vacant and then trots off to buy a floating stained glass something…sculpture? House Rules editors try to make a thing out of all the bathroom tiles arriving at the same time but it doesn’t really work. Over to Candy Crush who says she won’t be happy if there is citrus anywhere but in the kitchen and you probably should have made that a bit clearer. As with last season these teams desperately seize on anything they think will help them win and if I were you I’d be expecting lemon, lime and orange from the front door to the back porch.

Lisa no Maddi no definitely Lisa has written off her (easier to drive automatic) car and valiantly tries to repair the crushed side panel with a bit of spit and thumb rubbing action. Strangely this doesn’t work and she has to fess up to the ever patient Adam who declares that she is really one of life’s winners but yeah no one is buying that. A bit more wardrobe saga, but who cares not me, and Lloyd and Maddi are still sticking with their strategy of refusing to talk to anyone making them the most boring couple and the other teams are becoming hip to your jive* gice.

Teams retire to Azture or something and Bomber hasn’t peed for 15 hours and get over the urination fixation Bomber. Grant and Brooke Skype their dwarfs and I wonder who got landed with babysitting for three months?

The following day we get a little drama as no one thought to order flooring and there’s more sookiness from Lisa. Then Brooke and Grant remind us they have 7 kids because some viewers may have forgotten this. We’re also told Grant is a raging bull (mind. blown.) and there is more Team Bomb what-shall-we-do-with-this-sodding-orange-wardrobe then over to Carole who is fretting about the whole citrus rule thing and it’s all too hard and confusing. Poor baby. Carole has a happy moment when she pressures someone to offer up their own personal artwork for her and Iggy pop (oh yes BDD!) tells us he and Carole like to smell the roses. Suspect that’s not all you’re sniffing Gapper….

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McGroan makes yet another unwelcome appearance to tell everyone to cancel their cornice orders as square set is more edgy and arty. Everyone freaks out and promptly change their visions to accommodate this insanity but I’d bet Candy Pop and Ryan Gosling don’t even notice the difference.In the last ten minutes we get several shots of Lloyd and Adam being spunks then the secret weapon black bath arrives and there is much desperation in the hiding of this weapon from the other teams. There seems to be a lot riding on this black tub although I can’t imagine the kitchen or living room teams taking any interest at all. Maddi challenges Lisa’s ditz title by staring in bafflement at the flat pack pantry and over at the Cappers a sink hole has appeared in their wall. Seems Iggy has blindly smashed into the water pipe allowing Adam to deliver the Should have gone to SpecSavers line. Iggy tries desperately to hide his mistake from the one person in the world who loves him most, his rock, his ally, his vocal supporter but Adam cheerfully dobs him in and you loser sneers Carole and suddenly it’s all over. Next episode on Sunday.

*aware

House Rules on SEVEN Sunday at 6.30pm.

16 comments

1 kick ass hacks { 05.02.14 at 12:42 pm }

This is a topic that’s near to my heart… Cheers!
Where are your contact details though?

2 jec { 05.02.14 at 12:55 pm }

During this episode I spotted a tweet by Gidget VonLaRue … not that I know her personally (I’m presuming a her?) but I’ve always wondered if I’d see one from someone I know.

I was going to give up watching after the first night’s episode, because of the “manual car” drama, so I was pleased that this problem was solved within the first 15 minutes. I want to watch House Rules, not Car Rules, and believe it was a made up drama by Channel 7, who could have (a) told them beforehand that they’d have to learn to drive a manual car or (b) provided automatic cars from the start. So I’m pleased they fixed that issue.

I still don’t understand why anyone would sign up for this show (or any other renovation show) when they have ZERO experience. Obviously they’ve been selected for the show for that very reason, but it’s added drama I don’t need to see.

As with the week-long renovations on The Block, I wonder how well these house renovations on House Rules have been done. Even for the benefit of a free renovation I don’t think I’d want my house done that quickly (and possibly shoddily).

I’ve got family in and around Penrith and I’m still reeling that Candy & Gosling’s (I truly can’t remember what his real name is now!) mortgage is $437000 for that house. My nephew & his wife bought a house in the same area and have a $325000 mortgage.

3 brain dead dave { 05.02.14 at 1:31 pm }

I like Lloyd and Maddi’s strategy of not revealing too much to the other contestants , particularly the Tasmanian rooting machines because it ‘s getting under Grant’s skin not knowing. He’s got enough problems being pussy whipped over the cornice. Not much ticker,cob.

Fun recap,look forward to Sunday and what goes down with the citrus wardrobe aka Bomber’s bummer.

I loved Iggy screwing into the water pipe, living right up to the spirit of his namesakes’ awesome song “Search And Destroy”

Thanks for the mention, annajjj must give credit where it’s due~ a lot of the inspiration for the Iggy comparison in fact came via P0Rk ChOp,who has some computer problems atm ,not to mention a dog named Iggy.

4 Georgie { 05.02.14 at 1:37 pm }

Spam man @1 – “Where are your contact details though?”

Try the menu item called ‘Contact’, Captain Obvious!

5 Gidgitvonlarue { 05.02.14 at 1:42 pm }

Oh god the ‘Russell/balls/real man’ bit had me crying laughing! Awesome write up once again. Gah that reminds me I have to do mine!

6 all happening { 05.02.14 at 1:49 pm }

I agree with you jec re why do you sign up for a show such as house rules and be a complete klutz. Even the ones that are not tradies, should have practiced screwing something up….oh they can do that, and other basic things on a reno site. The first house especially would be full of mistakes. I wonder if Chester and his crew do any fixing of dodgie work?
Are we going to see Grant and Brooke complaining to No Idea in the future about the bad way they have been edited and that they didn’t say/do anything mean?

7 Culinary Boner { 05.02.14 at 2:06 pm }
8 brain dead dave { 05.02.14 at 2:11 pm }

Yes, he’s been known to produce his legendary “power tool” on stage and let it bounce up and down on a vibrating amplifier.

You won’t see that on The Voice.

9 Culinary Boner { 05.02.14 at 4:37 pm }

Too right bdd. I remember seeing a French doco a few years ago that instead of concentrating on Iggy’s prodigious rock career and music influence decided instead to focus on his prodigious… *ahem*…

10 Georgie { 05.02.14 at 5:05 pm }

Thanks once again annajjj for a great read. I think you’re as intrinsic to HR as McGravy Burger and there’s no denying your recaps are a huge part of the overall enjoyment.

I think Lisa definitely wins in the airhead stakes – no wonder Adam spends so much time laughing. He’d be crying otherwise.

I hope Iggy Gapper still has enough connection to his last testicle to form Carole up and use her to plug the hole in the waterpipe.

I like Bomber and I’d like to see him deconstruct the orange wardrobe and turn it into a piece of artwork for the blank wall.

Mrs Brady probably ate her first husband. Mr Brady has good reason to be on edge…

11 Hoj { 05.02.14 at 6:58 pm }

Annajjj you made my day, I laughed so much I needed to take my own bathroom break, wtf is up with going into a renovating comp with no Reno experience, no decorating talent, can’t drive, can’t use a drill (without knowing when it’s on reverse) can’t do a decent job of ripping off the entire singlet!!! C’mon girls don’t step us back 100 years!

12 Zhee { 05.03.14 at 7:38 am }

Cannot believe that “what’s her name”s head was vacant for the very time in her life…

So far the bathroom designs seem horrible. Bath one will look like a German 1960’s bath (my granny still has that bath with those awful tiles like the couple chose for House Rules), bath two will look like Biene Maja (Maya the Honeybee, don’t know if it’s known in Australia) and her best friend Willi.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=99TGCKOSzTg

13 brain dead dave { 05.03.14 at 10:48 am }

Encores today at 11 am on 7 Two, gice.

14 Maz { 05.04.14 at 9:54 pm }

Great recap Annajjj but I just can’t get into this show. Every time I flick the channel it all about driving the manual, or crashing the car or waiting for someone to return with the automatic car. Zilch renovating.

Then the bogan cast- Christ, I don’t care you have seven kids between you (and this is why the baby bonus should be scraped)…nor do I care about the vacant blondes and their driving ability (or lack thereof) …

Unless it picks up Ch7 would be better off shifting Homes Under the Hammer to primetime and ditching this.

15 Twinkle { 05.16.14 at 7:52 pm }

I love your recaps! They’re very funny and right on the button.

Surely the contestants had to attend some sort of building test before they were selected? That’s what happens on The Block (NZ) anyway … not necessarily do the most talented renovators get in (they get set a range of challenges they have to complete within timeframes); they look for a combination of personality and skills. But nobody gets on the show who has zero skills … like the blondie who couldn’t work out that she was operating the drill in reverse. Maybe it’s all an act – that after this first house she’ll suddenly turn into a whizz? I bet that doesn’t happen.

Carolyn whatsherface is kind of annoying. What role does she play anyway? I know she’s the “Designer” but the contestants seem to be making all the “design” choices. Above all else though, she has a terrible haircut which I find very annoying.

I’d hate to be first house off the rank … poor old Gemma and Ben had a few catastrophies greet them last time round (yes, Amy and Sean, I’m talking about YOUR areas); I’m betting these two will as well.

By the way, I’m watching from NZ and we’re only the third episode in, hence why I’m adding comments to old posts. The show is on four nights a week here on TV3 (Mon-Fri), and ratings are not good thus far (around 130,000).

16 football { 09.18.14 at 8:59 pm }

In the end, you will have assigned 136 confidence points (16+15+14+.

Alabama will try to rebound from their loss
to the Sooners and rank fourth in the Sporting News college football
preseason rankings. During matches rush for football tickets goes
beyond any margin, and it becomes tough for
the organisers to handle that.