Guest Post: House Rules – Episode 3 – Bomber’s First Wife Is Watching And Thinking Thank God We Broke Up
A big thanks to Annajjj for sending in another hilarious recap of House Rules:
Sunday night House Rules and, as usual when profiling any contestants from NSW, we get the obligatory stock files shots of Sydney Harbour. Then with just two days remaining the teams arrive at the house.
Carole kicks off by informing us that Iggy-Pop-Gapper is a total stress puppy and we get a shot of Russell vaguely wondering who moved his bong before we cross to Candy Crush and Ryan Gosling drinking Crown lager® on a beach somewhere and reminding us that their main house brief is Edgy and Arty. Shame that everyone back at the house has become fixated on the Citrus Concrete Crazy Colour theme.
We cross back to Brooke and Grant who proudly demonstrate their Citrus tiles before reminding us that they are the parents of seven very-good-reasons-to-win and ok right now I’m invoking Reality Raving’s drinking game of one drink every time the dwarfs are mentioned, if only to keep some of us engaged throughout the next 90 minutes. Team Snow White confide that they have secured the ‘Last Remaining Bath In Sydney!’ which seems a bit unlikely.
Team Bomb’s tiles arrive but there is an overspending issue which means that Mel has to return the blue tooth mirror. Did I hear this right? Blue tooth mirror? Can we return the wifi toilet roll holder at the same time? Mel makes the awkward phone call to the supplier and bursts into tears while listening to the on hold music. Yeah Fleetwood Mac has that effect on me too. You can jolly well Go Your Own Way. Bomber decides their team can relieve their stresses on TFWFH*. Good idea Bomb.
It’s a bit hard to tell at this point what is actually happening and what is just previews for drama coming up after the break but there are a few shots of female team members painting and Lisa Ditz stuffing up and Bomber having a little vomit in his mouth. The medics arrive and make him drink more water but IMHO Bomber needs to drink less and pee more. There’s a build-up happening there that can’t be healthy.
Not sure about the other states but we are getting a lot of perfume ads here in Qld.
Back to Bomber and he rallies and it’s amazing what a little Panadol Rapid® and a karaoke performance of The Doors can do.
Heading over to the Capper’s kitchen now and Carole is wearing her very clean white overalls again and throws in a dig about her nemesis life partner and reminds Iggy Gapper that his balls have already been minced so he should back off and let the real men deal with the kitchen. Then over to Maddi and Lloyd who are still holding down the title of Most Boring Couple and in this field of contestants that’s quite an achievement. Team Dullsville do or say something but I’ve lost interest already and suddenly McChicken Burger pops back up on set. She’s obviously read my criticism of her monochrome outfit from last week and this time she wearing All The Colours and Mel says what good timing Caroline but no, good timing would be not showing up at all. McBrag tells Team Bomb to maybe develop a feature pattern rather than feature strips but it’s up to them and Team Bomb think this vague suggestion is amazing advice. Pity she didn’t advise them on TFWFH but Bomber has already decided he wants to glue it to the ceiling. Awesome.
Back to the Cappers and Carole apparently hates Iggy Gapper sticking his big nose in anywhere and although he’s not to blame for the floating floor cupboard stuff up he probably is and later she’s completely thrilled to discover he has stuffed up the splashback measurements and……maybe if we all chip in we can gift Carole a copy of Tammy Wynette’s Greatest Hits and this woman can get a clue about what to do next. No not Stand By Your Man. The other one.
Over to Adam who has a little bit of plaster next to his eye like a tiny metaphorical teardrop, and he is getting stressed about the 100’s and 1000’s of people marching through his renovation. Then he discovers his ‘life’s winner’ girlfriend has used the wrong paint on the skirting and architraves and his halo slips a bit as he starts screaming in frustration.
Cut to an ad which includes No Idea magazine showing a shot of Mel and voiceover “The REAL villain? WTF? Real villain? Oh please don’t start this up. No contrived villains; any drama should just evolve out of the personalities of the contestants chosen in the screening process and the pressure they are under.
Back to Adam screaming and Lisa being a ditz and it turns out that Adam labelled the paint tins wrong and Lisa really should have checked but he really should have been more careful since he knows what she’s like and the upshot of all this is that in future he should give her the For Dummies version as she shouldn’t be expected to know anything about renovations/painting/life skills. Whatever.
Over to the Cappers where Russell smoothly glosses over Carole’s fuck up by explaining that he really can’t live without stress and disorganisation. Well that clarifies one side of your marriage equation. Later he is worried to discover that he has used the wall paint on the ceiling but Bomber assures him that a bit of unnecessary sheen taking longer to dry is the really only problem he’s likely to have. Has Bomber actually met Carole??
Next up is Team Snow White and Grant tries to create a bit of one-off craft and he’s right it’s an original but he’s no Tara Dennis and oh yes waiting for that thanks Brooke…Everyone Drink again! Moving on we get a reminder that the teams got to choose what bits of Candy and Ryan’s crap gets to be salvaged. There is a Nan’s painting done by a beloved uncle back in 1980 that had the good fortune to be retained which is excellent news as C&R would be absolutely shattered if this had made its way to St Vinnies.
Ok here’s a wild idea. How about don’t leave fucking family heirlooms lying around for other people to choose or throw out. Oh well you know, we left Grandad’s ashes in a 14th Century Ming Dynasty vase on the mantelpiece so we’re really hoping the other teams don’t chuck it in the skip….
Carole takes it upon herself to order everyone around a bit because she doesn’t realise we already have Caroline McBossy for that role. Notice the conspicuous absence of Chester! tonight. With just 20 hours to go we are now up to the all-nighter episode of the show which is disappointing as it’s just a bit of Lisa Ditz and Guy Smiley painting things and telling us that they’ll likely never finish.
With only 8 hours to go Bomber is gearing up for a big finish. We’ve got bedheads to make (?), TV’s to hang and TFWFH to deconstruct. Really? We’re going all Master Chef with the deconstruction thing but I’m totally in favour on this occasion. Team Dull are throwing McColour all over the laundry as we then cross to C&R telling us that when they said Give Candy Crazy Colour in a Fun Laundry what they meant was We’d Like a Totally Functional Laundry with Lots of Shelving and no Stupidness.
Back at Team Bomb, Bomber announces that his dad was a master wallpaper hangerer. So Bomber’s related to Kel then?
Team Snow White and their secret weapon has arrived and it looks like a snow white bathtub. Brooke says there is no other black bathtub in the whole of NSW and hang on, it’s white. It’s a bloody white bathtub isn’t it? Someone please clarify – it’s entirely possible I’ve thrown myself into the 7 dwarves drinking game with too much enthusiasm this evening.
In Team Bomb’s bedroom Bomber is fretting over the wallpaper being half a millimetre out. It might as well be 50mm out according to Bomber who is trying to make that sound like much more than 5cm. But not really says Mel. Yes shrieks Bomber, the fish HAVE to line up. Again Mel tried to be the voice of reason but Bomber lurches forward and starts peeling off the fish. He’s right you know. If your fish don’t line up you might as well pack up your tools and go home. There’s a life lesson in that for all of us.
Jo shows up with just four hours to go to flirt with Adam and check in with experienced renovators, the Cappers (!). Iggy continues to challenge Lisa for house ditz by stuffing up his splashback measurements then Bomber yells a bit, the Snow Whites appear in matching pink polos, Maddi and Lloyd say something but no one takes any interest and Adam flashes his pearly whites. Bomber throws a fit and Mel and I give him the finger and in another sudden rush it’s all over for another episode.
House reveal tomorrow and frankly HR are going to have to work hard to keep viewer interest strong enough to go head to head with MC tomorrow night and come out on top. I’m not sure they can do it – thoughts?
*The Fucking Wardrobe From Hell