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Guest Post: Gidgit’s Definitive Recap Of The 2014 Eurovision Song Contest

Eurovision guru Gidgit gives the definitive wrap up for the Eurovision Song Contest.

Over to Gidgit Von La Rue:

Firstly I’m going to start with NOT calling Conchita Wurst, the Austrian winner of Eurovision 2014, a ‘bearded lady’. It’s an old timey freak show name and if Iceland with No Predjudice showed us is ‘you don’t need to call me freak’. Conchita is a drag queen with a beard (and really lovely eyes) and sang Rise like a Phoenix for the win. Yes Conchita tore that song up like it was a book on how to shave, but let’s give credit also to the AMAZING fire phoenix wings effects behind her on the giant cube. It certainly added to the drama of the entire number so well done Eurovision effect’s people (I’m sure you are reading this!)

concita

Oh there ARE huge giant fire wings behind Conchita!

Now I have watched Eurovision since I can remember (and I have a terrible memory so might have only just started watching last year!) but I can say it was one of the best shows I’ve seen. Denmark and the people responsible knew not to take it all too seriously and get on with the acts rather than eat up time. It is a shame SBS (due to time no doubt) cut out quite a funny skit on the fake ‘Eurovision Museum’ but I am glad they cut out the weirdo’s singing on the top of white ladders. That was just creepy!

I will say there were two/three acts from the semi finals I was rather sad didn’t get through to Sunday night’s final. There were also some acts I was a bit shocked got through but I’ll refrain from naming names (looking at you San Marino). From semi final 1 I had Hersi with One’s Night Anger from Albania as a BIG favourite of mine. Great song, great vocals and I have no idea why she didn’t get more votes aside from the fact everyone in Europe hates Helen Bonham Carter?? From semi final 2 Ireland and especially Mei Finegold from Israel not getting through really ground my goat – but as with every year you win some, you lose some!

girl in leotars

Sorry Mei – I tried, oh I tried.

Grand Final Eurovision started off with a James Bond style opening with, what I think were ninja’s, racing to the show on bikes & waverunners & helicopters – oh my! Once a bit of flag waving was done with they got on with the show. It’s a long night so best to hop to it. For any of us that did watch the two semi-finals it’s like an hour of déjà vu with a wee bit of variety from the Big Five thrown in so we don’t think we are going insane. And it’s not like the acts can ‘change it up’ – oh no. Every single movement (I hear even every blink) has to be exactly the same every time. It’s not like the blonde chick from the Common Linnets could just break away the 2nd time and start grinding on the piano player like a stripper. Nope. Even those tarts with the big racks from Poland doing washing and grinding butter had each head tilt and titty flash exactly the same every single time. Even with the boobs the cameramen were probably bored stiff by the grand final. Well stiff anyway.

girls heidi

Can you blame them?

I’m not going to bore you with going through every performance as there are 26 of them! I’m just going to reveal my personal highlights and disappointments and ‘what the ….’ moments. Tic tok is first, sung by Catherine Zeta Jones (and was that Michael Douglas in the hamster wheel?) Actually it’s Ukraine & not strange that they got a lot of votes. She’s hot, he’s exhausted and there is that whole Russia being bullies to Ukraine business so yeah, there’s that.  Next is cheeky Teo from Belarus with Cheesecake. Yes it was cheesy but damn catchy and it was definitely in my top ten. He copped a bit of flack being a knock off of Alan Thicke but I have no doubt Alan Thicke has ripped off someone else so not sure what is the big deal?! Iceland’s entry is another catchy likeable song with Polaponk belting out No Prejudice. (Was anyone else over the Wiggles comparison in twitter by the end of their song? I was.)

euro wiggles

We would eat the Wiggles for breakfast! No prejudice!!

Skip to No 7 with one of the big favourites – Aram MP3 Converter with You’re Not Alone. Turns out Aram Downloading Now felt up host Julia Zemiro back stage or something like that because she’s all goo goo for Aram calling him handsome?

guy with smile

Each to their own I guess!!!

Aram does his best but hits a few wobbly notes and it won’t be the last of the wobbly note hitting for the night. Jump to Italy performing for the first time this year as they are in the Big Five and it’s Emma Marone singing in Italian with La Mia Cita. As with Greece, I think Emma is more a ‘recording club singer’ or she was just nervous as her vocal performance is not good and I found myself cringing for her. It’s a bit sad because her music clip is pretty awesome and so is she – just not live it seems! Poland = boobs. UK’s big hope was Molly with Children of the Universe. No wobbly notes from her, but compare her to say Sweden and it’s like Molly phoned it in and just didn’t want to be there. Plus what was with that outfit???

girl with fur

Xena Warrior Can’t be Stuffed Princess

I have no doubt Britain got their panties in a bunch YET AGAIN using every excuse under the sun ‘they don’t like us wah wah’. Well Molly did better than you have done the last few years (40 points) so get over it. Turns out ‘they’ hate France (2 points) and Slovenia (5 points) and San Marino (14 points) a lot more if that is what you are basing it on. Look I have no doubt at all there is ‘friends and neighbours’ voting, of course there is! That is a given. But I still like to think at least 50% of the population of these countries just vote for their favourite song/performance. I’m old fashioned that way.

Oh did anyone notice the amount of inner arm tattoo’s on the performers? I like to think they were not tattoo’s and they had to scribbled the lyrics of their songs on their arms! Lyrics are hard you know, even if you’ve sung the song 49 times leading up to Eurovision. So my early favourites were Sweden, Netherlands, Armenia, Iceland, Italy and Denmark – so I didn’t do too badly really. (Don’t believe me read my tweets watching live from 5am Sunday morning! I dare you – I also raved about how crap it would be to be in the Mickey costume at Disneyland so maybe pick and choose which ones you read!)

Mickey

I’m sweating my ass off in this damn costume – but hey kids! Fun!

Hungary’s song about child abuse did well in 5th place – at times in 3rd place. Turns out New York speaking semi dark guys belting out a rather up beat song about beating your kids up works well in Europe! Ok it was a good song and he did stop the contemporary dance dad from beating up the 23 year old daughter on stage, so good for him. Turns out I personally keep on ‘Running running running’ – from the sheriff and bill collectors – but a crazy world works just as well I guess. Each to their own!

Other stand outs were Julia and Sam. Seriously let’s give it up for them. The drunker they got the funnier they got and by the end Julia was going to 11.

jess mauboy euro

Julia & Sam did well – Jess, eh not so much.

Now before you all attack me because Jessica is native Australian, end of the day we are all equal and we all need honesty. She did NOT sing well, it was NOT a good song (she co-wrote it so no excuse). I love Jessica as much as the next person but let’s not stuff around.  It was not in her key so what was with that? And her dress was hard to move around in and looked awkward. Plus what was with the astronaut? Like Australia is known for space travel? Telescopes sure – but not f*cking space men! Made no sense and I’m ashamed of the whole Australia thing. Yes I’m a proud Australian but it could have been done better and I blame the over the top Australian choreographer. Why not get the Danish choreographer that planned the grand final dance opening number to do the Australia one? Ok the first song was kind of funny, but it made us look like clowns. We all know they live in France.

dancer with a fish head on it

What the hell were they thinking?

But that was semi final 2, I’m on the grand final (just had to have a rant after seeing it) Tip to France. I know you think your language is the best in the world and it is lovely rest assured, but the fact you are now the ONLY country delivering your final scores in French when EVERY other European country (even Italy) deliver it in English – might want to rethink that whole ‘f*ck we are awesome’ stuff. End of the day the international language is now officially English. If the Russians are prepared to deliver their vote in English – well, you guys are just being arrogant pricks. Personally I’m fine with countries SINGING their songs in their language (although it does not appeal as much as English – look at the top 13 countries who sung fully in English including Spain who sometimes usually sing in their native tongue – they are all sung in English) 14th was Poland who sung half in Polish, half in English – but they had hot girls on stage with big titties on stage being all Benny Hill so hard to judge on that one! I’m probably being as arrogant as the French – but since the ‘ sing in native tongue’ business was lifted, and most European countries populations can either speak English or know some of English (just watch Julia and Sam’s interviews to contestants) it’s probably a good option to go that way FRANCE! I remember way back to when I was in Latvia and Turkey for Eurovision, the commentating was half in English, half in French. Not anymore. Get the hint! French folks it’s time to get real (although I would still like to go there even though my mum says Paris is a rip off and they are rude) I’d still like an invite. Promise I’ll be nice. I love Jean Reno!

waiter

We are not rude – we are just French!

It was a tad sad Malta was so low down on the score board as I think their song was lovely – yep, I said lovely. It was certainly better than Russia’s twin tied hair ‘see saw’ fiasco! Not a bad song but the performance was so Eurovision 1993! Another bad result was Belarus at just 43. Cheesecake was not just a catchy song, but Teo the singer was very active on social media. Then again so was Latvia with Bake a Cake in the first semi finals and they did not get through! Perhaps social media is not what we make it out to be – oh god I’m stuffed!

So Switzerland had some cool whistling, Ukraine had a giant work out wheel with a man in a suit she was obviously – having coffee with, Romania had a giant fake keyboard & ……her disappearing?  And it all finally came to an end with all the countries sending up their corniest presenters to read the results. I honestly give respect for the powers that be to organise this. It’s HUGE and a long organisation project.  (Once upon a time each country used to have to say each & every score – now it’s only top three. Yes I’ve watched it since then) so even though it seems long, it’s not, trust me. But then again I was there when it was just one night (no semi-finals just one night) to breaking it up to three nights! Tick off ‘to do list’ I must say! One more bucket list objective down.

bucket list

Few more are swim with dolphins, meet all of Monty Python and kill a python with my own hands

For the first time in a while it was very close voting. Usually the winner is a ‘given’ but this year the scoring was all over the place which to me is a lot more fun! Sweden, Netherlands, Austria, Russia, Hungary – back and forth. But once Conchita from Austria was clearly in front for the first time ever they called it before the final three countries voted. Woot! How refreshing.

scoreboard

Take that Putin!

Conchita from Austria wins! I have to say I would have been happy with Austria, Sweden or Netherlands so I was chuffed! And so another year until the next Eurovision! I hope if things go our way we’ll be there next year tweeting and reporting live from Austria. Only fair as when I went to Latvia with partner at the time & the producer to the Euro desk they gave us Austria’s media tags, not Australia’s. So rather than three, we got thirty three! Tempted to take them and sell them, but we handed them back embarrassed with the Latvian girl saying ‘Oh, Australia – why are you here?’ Well I think we’ve shown why we are now! Australia just bloody loves it!

Australia

G’day Europe!

 

 

 

 

5 comments

1 Chrissie { 05.14.14 at 2:35 pm }

Agree with Belarus and Switzerland being refreshing and cathy song choices. Austria’s power balad was pretty awesome though, showing if you do it right, it’s a kockout. His acceptance speech was brilliant. Slovenia (with her flute) was also a classy stand out, was surprised she scored so very low.

Unfortunately have to agree with you about our Aussie Jess (that key just didnt sit right) which is a shame because was very proud and love her! I didn’t mind seeing her frock up however, she looked stunning 😉

2 Ali { 05.14.14 at 5:16 pm }

Chrissie @1

“Austria’s power balad was pretty awesome though, showing if you do it right, it’s a kockout.”

WOW!!!! If I had known the winner was going to get her “kockout”, I would definitely have watched. :)

Gidgit, thanks for the recap. When you cross your inimitable entertainingly madcap style with the surreally kitsch taste of the performers, it creates the impression you’re tripping on some mighty strong drugs. Well, stronger than usual.

3 brain dead dave { 05.14.14 at 6:06 pm }

Devastated that Finland didn’t get through. Those boys flailing away at guitars with no strings were robbed.

Cornchita had too many guns.

4 Chrissie { 05.14.14 at 6:27 pm }

Bwhahaha! What a Freudian Slip! 😉

5 Zhee { 05.14.14 at 10:46 pm }

Haha, thanks Gidgit for the recap. :) Especially the part about the French is (painfully) true. Even in the Paris area, most of them can’t speak a single English word and even if they can, they don’t. Some of them are ashamed because of their accent (I can’t understand this one, I think the accent is charming… sometimes I wish us Germans would be ashamed as well because of our accent, but nehhh, we are not). Some of the French simply refuse to speak English because they hate it and think if someone comes to their country, they must speak their language. I loved it that they placed last again.^^They managed to produce a worse song than the Germans. And San Marino (even though San Marino had a German “composer”).
Oh, and I think I would invite you to France. 😉 Even though I don’t live directly in Paris.

I think it will be fun to see, how many copies of Conchita will start next year. Unfortunately a lot of countries tend to copy the winner from the year before because they hope to win themselves…