Guest Post: House Rules – The Victorian Home Reveal
Thanks Annajjj for keeping us up to date on the House Rules shenanigans. Over to you:
It’s Judgement Day! Repent your sins and then join us at Adam and Lisa’s renovation reveal. Tonight we finally get to see if the owners are actually shedding ‘OMG I’m so happy’ tears or ‘WTF this is a living nightmare’ tears.
Smiley Adam and Lisa appear on screen to remind us that they left 5 very unspecific house rules and then head for home envisioning a big warm open inviting space where they can raise a family. How do you feel about lots of bits of mirrored wallpaper gice?
Jo arrives at the house and questions Ryan about the various conflicting wallpapers. Oh well every room in the house was always going to clash says Ryan cheerfully. He has a little plaster pimple on his jaw and Candy has a matching one on her nose except no that’s a piercing.
Bomber is complaining (again) that he hasn’t eaten for 12 days, hasn’t peed for 9, but no one cares Bomber. Manage your own body buddy. A final shot of the awful Snow White wallpaper and Capper bathroom tiles and Jo is struggling with the weird little gas chamber (thanks Veronicalli) toilet concept.
The final frantic hours and minutes where everyone tells us they have a million jobs left to do and can’t possibly finish and Ryan’s ego tells us he has superhuman strength. The Cappers throw some glass onto the dining room table, then five minutes to go; sweaty Ryan and panicky Bomber, time’s up, step away from the drum set.
Ryan is convinced he will win this week because he pretty much IS Superman and Mads thinks the house looks amazing but has she been in the other rooms yet?
The teams clear out and Joe and Wendy arrive and they open the front door (which is identical to the last two front doors) and the wow countdown begins. The entrance is great and they both love the sideboard and the mirror and the security guard. Into the kitchen and wow1 for Joe who likes the bench design and big fridge. He doesn’t rate the pantry but Wendy does.
Into the living room and Wendy likes the fireplace but Joe doesn’t and see how this ‘taste’ thing is so bloody individual? One mans dream design is another man’s bottle-cap wallpaper. Into the study which has a bizarrely narrow doorway and you can just tell Joe badly wants to take a seat and bash on a cymbal or two. Candy’s poor painting efforts are noticed and criticised.
Into the bathroom and Wow2 but it’s not a good wow. The judges are stumped for a bit, then decide the best thing is to ignore the elephant tiles in the room and focus on the bizarreness of the semi-private loo and narrow shower. The dining room is cold and Wendy doesn’t think the wallpaper works. Over to the deck and if it were about 4 times bigger this would be a great area.
Into the laundry cupboard which is deemed fine but not exciting and into the guest room which is better than I’d imagined but Joe thinks it is dowdy. Finally into the mooody boood-wah and wow3 but again not in a good way and Wendy thinks it looks like a circus tent. The bed-head, ensuite tiles and feature wall are great and Joe gets very excited by the vanity feature wall in the middle. There are two journeys I can take he exclaims sounding a bit drunk. Wendy is doubtful. If I’m using the loo, she says (elegantly crossing her legs in an attempt to look nothing like she is using the loo) people on the street can see me. Joe is slightly perturbed by the lack of mirrors in the WIR but look around Joe. There are about a hundred dining/hallway/pantry mirrors you can use.
Teams arrive at Home Base or whatever they’re calling this set and Jo greets them. Judges arrive and overall they are impressed as this reno contains the best, but also the worst, we’ve ever seen.
Team Bomb: Entry was good, kitchen great, 7&8 and there’s your wow!
Mad Firey’s: Wow bedroom but not a good wow. The vanity worked but, and it’s a big butt, sitting on the throne and being watched by the neighbours is not on. 7 and ad break with a ‘bonus extra’ of A&L saying they’d love to be mortgage free and retire early. Wouldn’t we all? But some of us are now working until we’re 70 and we’re back & 8.
Snow White: Stripes are out declares Wendy and Brooke is furious. Actually Wendy, she GOOGLED and stripes are DEFINITELY IN. So there. Take more risks advises Joe and Brooke gives him her best cats-bum mouth and 5 & 6 and ouch.
Ryandy: The bad paintwork is briefly mentioned and 7&6
Cappers: Here’s what I’ve been waiting for and there are no earthy tones which confuses Gapper. What does this mean? he wonders. Carole sets him straight; we didn’t use enough green she decides. The horrible tiles aren’t calming and the gas chamber toilet looks like a fish bowl. Carole is outraged. Sure you can see the silhouette of people taking a dump but it’s not like you can see their actual private parts! Scores and please oh please oh please and yes! 5&5
Lisa and Adam Goodes arrive and are oh wow-ing before they’ve even opened the front door. For someone who presents herself immaculately all the time it’s surprising Lisa hasn’t heard of waterproof mascara. They love the entrance and Team Bomb beam. The kitchen is great and they love the giant fridge and the pantry. Ryan and Candy have nailed the wallpaper and so far the homeowners love it to bits.
Not a fan of the green in the study and the crappy paint job is noticed. The bottle-top wallpaper makes Adam smile and he likes the lights in the deck. So do I but it is still too small for all that effort. Into the bathroom and hooley dooley wowee with a slap in the face from the tile wall. Lisa decides she likes it but isn’t as impressed with the laundry and doesn’t like the green. Neither of them like the guest room wallpaper.
Finally the boood-wah and immediately all the testosterone is sucked out of Adam by the too girly bedspread and white drapery. Back at Home base they get emotional and overall are very happy with the results.
Mads and Fireman: Adam Goodes thinks the whole room is a bit too feminine for a football player and he’ll have difficulty performing in there. Does love the ensuite though. Score of 7
Crush and Gos: Loved the living room and study although the painting was poor. Score 6
Snow Whites score a 5 for their guest room/laundry and Brooke is annoyed that they were only judged on their output not their effort. Perhaps you were scored on your effort Brooke.
Cappers: Adam agrees with the rest of us that the bathroom tiles and dining wallpaper are horrible although Lisa pretends to like them. Score – 6
Team Bomb: The entry was great and Adam loved…the coffee machine? Basically if you are renovating for the Adam/Lisas or Carly/Leightons or Candy/Ryans of this world and you buy big BBQs, enormous TVs or luxury coffee makers you are pretty much guaranteed to impress. Score of 8 which puts them up the top and the Cappers and Snow Whites tie for bottom. Hooray!
We are shown the overall leaderboard which is a bit stupid as some of the teams have only been scored twice so far and others three times, then it’s off to Tasmania for the next reno so stock up on alcohol, and hands up if you’re delighted with the prospect of the Cappers camping!