Guest Post: When Love Comes to Town – The Skanks on the Bus Go Round & Around
Gidgit Von La Rue could not resist and is recapping When Love Comes To Town. Here is her take on the first episode.
So Farmer Wants a Wife – sorry I mean completely new concept When Love Comes to Town finally hit our screams…screens last night. Hosted by professional match maker Natalie Grizzleneck, it takes a bus full of 12 young hot bodied single lassies, shoves them in a Murrays and speeds them around Australia’s finest country areas to nab two of the town’s local hotties.
It starts off with the first single gal, I think in Brisbane, saying ALL her girlfriends struggle to find someone as does she as no one wants to make a commitment anymore (apart from all the blokes in Brisbane who are married or dating someone I guess). Then is a string of footage of all the desperado’s pleading their case as to how hot they are – but there’s just no one good enough in the big smoke so they have to go rural to snatch that perfect beau. Makes sense?
There is one lady who already has a son so guessing the first words out of her mouth every time she meets rural hottie will be ‘you like kids?’ JJ (I know her name already because she was featured so much later on) tells us she doesn’t just settle which back fires because by the end of the show she ‘just settles’ on Adam straight out of the gates so that theory went out the window.
We are informed the bus is literally going all over Australia so I hope there is a loo and lots of sick bags on the bus. We are reminded that these farmers…rural chaps… are the salt of the earth yadda yadda and that there are no women that live in rural settings (because they all move to Sydney and call themselves ‘city girls’ – I know right!) Plus we are shown things are going to get spicy when the girls turn on each other (what, a bunch of young shallow women vying for the attention of some studly buck get all antsie with each other?? Well colour me shocked).
Now the MINOR difference from Farmer wants a Root is the girls this time have a bit more power. After they are all shown off to the two farmers (this scene is familiar – can’t quit think of it…oh, a brothel!) the girls pick either guy (can they pick neither and get back on the bus?) and the two yocals wine & dine & make them build chicken sheds until the girls can choose to stay with the bloke or get back on the bus to next sleaze fest.
Remember John Paul Young – not sure why but he’s in my head right now.
So the travelling tarts are firstly off to Margaret River (not exactly Birdsville) and Natalie Grizzleguts is chatting to Kelly the nanny on the bus which the other girls behind on the bus just kinda sitting there doing nothing like mannequins – ok they are not all really travelling the whole way on that bus are they? I’m calling it now. They fly from state to state and picked up from the airport in the bus don’t they – Priscilla Queen of Bullshit!
Kelly the nanny informs us she’s over looking after other people’s kids (bet that makes her employee’s feel better) & wants to start a family of her own. Then it’s JJ who is an advertising executive by day and a dog rescue artist by night. JJ informs us she’s loud and city men don’t like that but rural guys must be desperate as hell and will put up with her constant screaming and yelling.
The bus finally arrives at its first hot and steamy destination – a farmers market with old ladies, mums & dads and kids in school uniform. Sexy! The patrons of the farmers market applaud with that ‘so they told us to clap and smile and if we do these city trollops might buy some of our fruit baskets and crochet toilet dollies?’ kind of way. Boy Natalie Thunderdaks hair is flat. You’d think she would have ‘fluffed it up’ when she first stepped on the bus a minute ago down the road!
So Nat the cat introduces the girls and they slink their way off the bus one by one, obviously trying to seduce the kiddies in the front row. I actually spot some of the dad’s ‘whooping’ – stay classy Margaret River! We finally are introduced to thunder thighs – sorry Rebeukkhuaa – who tells us she’s curvy and proud and slutty and proud and easy and proud. Oh look, arrangements of wild flowers for a real deal!
The nanny confirms she’s more of a lover and less inclined to get into wild unhinged fisty cuffs brawl – which must be a relief for the parents of the kids she’s nanny for! Then with the confirmation nanny wasn’t going to go off her nut – Nat the Tatt brings out the two first lucky single fellas – which at that point some of the girls ‘whoop’ and ‘whistle’. No surprises there. Class never got on the bus in the first place.
The first ruuuurrral chap is Adam. He’s a carpenter which means he can make things and stuff which excites one of the ladies who likes tradies because they can make things and stuff. Adam is 29 and builds bookshelves while surfing – clever lad. Oh, he also farms (you know – farmer stuff) and has nice arms. Behind them the crowd is thinning as this takes a really long time and Beryl just started up the sausage sizzle. Next young buck is Mosh. Mosh? Mosh is a country lawyer which means he handles a lot of cases of ‘ma cow ran into old man McCrutties back yard again’ type of cases I’m presuming. Mosh also likes to sit on the rocks by the beach watching Adam surf. He then also reveals he’ll take what he can get. Mosh I hear Beryl at the sausage sizzle is single!?
So now the ladies must pick either guy to throw themselves at. There’s a lot of wooting and clapping and whistling as the girls pick their guy and I’m not sure why. I’m now curious what happens if all the girls pick the same guy? Does Nat step in and slap a few of them around to go to the other chap? Back from the commercial break and just clicked over to Bogan Hunters. I see enough of that at Katoomba shops. Urgh. Ok back to Ch 9. The now two groups of girls toddle off with their chosen blokes. Turns out there isn’t enough space in Mosh’s four wheel drive so Jess and Renee are rejected to the second car which they are NOT happy about. They must be presuming there is some passionate love making already happening in car one as I’m not sure what the big deal is about? On the bright side Jess and Renee you have the freedom to pull over to the road side Macca’s and get a big Mac so stop ya whinging. *COWS!* Renee informs us she was born in the country but lives in the city but wants a country guy. She seems like a nice girl I guess. Hey! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder people!
Over in Adam land he’s excited as are the ladies because Adam has already thought up a way to get his gear off and shows them his excellent arms – building a chicken shed. Oh you old romantic Adam. Adam informs the girls he demands they build a chook house as the chooks have got lose and are harassing the cows? Naturally some of the ladies were not chuffed with Monica a shop clerk…sorry ‘retail assistant’ just calling out this total bullshit (on camera off to the side not in front of Adam) then back to the action with Adam REALLY UNCOMFORTABLY taking off his jacket thing to show the gal’s his guns. This is the conversation with producers before filming this scene ‘ok Adam, now we want you to take your jacket thingie off’…Adam ‘Ok’.
Abbey steps up wanting to nail Adam – I mean hammer the nail, then we are shown her back in the big smoke in her ‘Halloween Sexy Secretary’ outfit strolling around the CBD with no-where to go. She then reveals she’s not sure she can live any further than a taxi ride from the centre of the city so I’m not quite sure what she’s doing on this show? Oh that’s right – to be on TV. While Abbey and Adam play with wood & nails the other girls are off picking flowers or something? Then it’s over to Moshy with his ladies at the local fun fair. Oh I’m sorry are you all still in grade 9 ‘cause that’s where my boyfriend took me when we were SIXTEEN! Reibuccca has made sure to wear an outfit that can easily ‘accidentally’ fall down. Jess senses this and counter attacks with ramming Mosh in her bumper car? Turns out bumper car injuries CAN’T compete with built in air bags and Moshy moo asks Rubucca to ‘go for a stroll’ meaning a quick one around the back of the portaloo. Rybukka jumps at the chance to get him alone and the other girls are a bit miffed but they better get used to it – it’s called ‘one on one’ for a reason. Go buy yourselves a dagwood dog & some fairy floss and cheer up!
They question why Riiibeeiikka got picked. Are you lot blind? Back from the break and jeez – not even half way through? I better put skates on, which is what Rubuka is thinking, telling Moshpit that she’s ‘open to affection’ meaning she’s a slut. Is that the other girls in the background on the merry-go-round giving her the finger? Back at giant chook shed building with Uncle Adam all the ladies have stopped picking flowers and are all hard at work. Nanny uses the ‘dying from dehydration’ tactic to get Adam inside the house while the other girls pass out in the heat. Eh fuck ‘em.
Back at Freaky Funfair Mosh is showing Hertz Car Rental receptionist Jess a snotty bull. He also asks her if she likes animals – any animals will do Jess – a cute cuddly kitten perhaps? But Jess being clueless informs Mosh she’s not ‘big’ on any animals at all and to a farmer that’s like saying jeans are for girls. Let me tell you Jess, you freaking out around the bull is not endearing you to Mosh the FARMER! At Adam’s love nest he’s upping the romantic factor by showing JJ a rusty tractor. You sly fox! Adam then informs dog lover JJ that he works with old people causing JJ to pull a stink face and tell Adam she doesn’t like old people because they smell funny. Way to go JJ. Well this turns out to turn Adam on like crazy as the next moment in his piece to camera he informs us JJ really turns him on. This is all a bit uncomfortable. He then says she’s the funniest chick he’s ever met revealing he’s never met any women in his whole life. Things then turn on a dime when Adam reveals he might be too similar to JJ (I personally can’t see it unless he has boobs) and it might be a deal breaker causing her to take it personally and get all sooky around the other girls. Tip JJ, if every single guy you’ve ever dated doesn’t like your personality chances are it stinks!
At nightmare alley things are closing up but these people and this film crew just won’t bloody leave! Renee is putting in a big effort because she has a lovely personality. Things hot up at the balls in the creepy spinning clown head game when Mosh win’s Renee a 5 cent Chinese-made piece of shit banana. Ooh hot chips! Renee tries the ‘but I’m a country girl at heart’ but even Mosh has noticed the hot chips so it’s a dead loss. Back at chook central and they’ve finally finished the enormous chook pen and as the sun is going down (cue Benny Hill music) the girls are made to round up chickens which are scary!
As the fun fair packs up its tin pot rides, Mish Mosh has to pick two girls to keep with him while the rest of them are packed up with the rides. He picks Jess because she hates animals and bull snot then also picks Renee (you go girl) because she DOES like animals and bull snot it seems. Reepucka is a bit miffed as she has big tits and wears slutty clothes but puts on a tough front – ok no she doesn’t. Back at chookas central Adam picks Abbey because she can use a hammer then JJ because she’s literally a stand up comedian. Nanny is a bit upset and kicks a chook. Cheer up, plenty more rurrrrril blokes lined up! So now the lads get to take their chosen chicks on personal dates and Adam takes Abbey to the beach, using the reasoning that ‘women love long walks on the beach’. Well not THIS woman Adam. It involves walking…yuk! Adam then flashes his nob to Abbey while putting on his wet suit backwards due to being distracted by Abbey’s really quite amazing body. Can’t blame him really! They do a bit of surfing which impresses Adam when Abbey doesn’t cry. Meanwhile Moshy is showing Jess a cave pointing out stalactites and stalagmites to make himself look all smart ‘n stuff even though we all learnt that in Primary School, then pulls out the champagne and blow – ok the champagne. Shit I better get a move on or I’ll be writing this as tonight’s Love Comes to Town starts. To be fair this was 2 LONG HOURS so there is a lot to cover!
Jess physically reminds me a bit of an ‘older’ crazy Ali from The Bachelor. Hope she’s not as ‘stalky’. Back at the beach Abbey is showing us all her AMAZING body & her skills of teaching him how to sun bake. Did you go to University to learn how to do that Abbey? Abbey reveals she’s not happy Adam next is going out with JJ so she drowns him (not really). Over at the Mosh pit Renee is seducing the toy banana. After that is unsuccessful Mosh takes Renee deep into the harry carry forest or whatever it’s called. Hey Renee you know what also happens when a guy takes a girl deep into the forest? They chat about cars it turns out. Hey I’m glad she got picked because I REALLY thought she was going to have a rough time to be honest!
JJ meets Adam for her date at his local pub. The conversation is all a bit weird with her saying she only got four hours sleep then asks if he wants to make out then it all gets a bit serious when she suggests she’s slept with more guys than Madonna and Adam gets all shirty about the fact JJ has actually previously date??? She’s 30 mate – she hasn’t spent her last 15 years in a damn nunnery! Things get intense and WEIRD and I’m not sure if they are both drunk or Adam is actually a mental case?
Back after the really long ad break – I’m feeling pretty sure I have things worked out. Renee will stay with Mosh, JJ will break land speed records getting back on the bus, Abbey will probably stay with Adam and there’s another chick heading to the Murray’s bus. Yep I think I’ve nailed it!
Around the fire, Abbey gets hungry & goes to raid Adam’s fridge for left overs, giving Adam time to bond again with JJ (I’ve got this all wrong haven’t I?) Mosh brings his ladies breakfast in bed so he can see them in the nuddie, while Adam goes for a stroll in the grapefruit field. It’s time and Nat the Rat shows up again to sort out the women from the girls. Damn Abbey’s body is amaze balls! A tweet shows on screen that one of the viewers ‘already has tears in her eyes’ – I’m guessing from being absolutely dead tired because we are now into the fourth hour. Cut to the picks and poor Mosh gets rejected by Renee….seriously?!?! So he’s left on his lonesome to go play in the cave meanwhile Abbey realizes she’s too good for this crap and gets back on the bus leaving JJ. Tension builds but JJ actually ends up staying with Adam! Really! Wow. Guessing some more stuff happened between those two off camera? So Adam has the funniest woman on earth now and we have tonight’s When Trollops Come to Town to look forward to tonight. See you on Twitter kids!