Guest Post: I Wanna Marry Harry – or – A group of desperate delusional American girls look for Royal Love!
Gidgit Von La Rue continues her romance with trashy dating reality TV shows and gives a thorough preview of the episode. Network TEN have seen sense and have now moved it to 8.30pm Friday night and if they are lucky it could become their Sharknado.
Over to Gidgit:
Let’s kick this off with…although this show has not aired here yet in Australia, in America it flopped like a sex tape of Oprah Winfrey. My personal theory after watching is the yanks think the British are taking the piss out of them and how stupid they are for falling for this massive hoax. Let’s not forget America itself have done ‘practical joke’ type reality shows (The Joe Schmo Show etc) but that involved all Americans – not some snotty British colony having a chuckle at the expense of American morons thus the American’s did not find the ‘comedy’ – just a theory of course. It will be interesting to see how it does here in Australia where we can laugh at pretty much anything – pretty much.
I will say straight out of the gate Ch 10 are making a MASSIVE mistake putting this at a 6.30pm timeslot. It’s not a ‘family’ show, it is trash TV and should be at 9.30pm and not against ratings thunder show House Rules. Are you listening Ch 10 – yes I SHOULD be program manager! I’m available! (Editor’s note: Scheduling change to 8.30pm Friday night’s)
So the show begins with 12 delusional…I mean single… American early 20’s type gals flying to England to meet their mate. They seriously have no idea who they are going to meet or how big his dick is – so they are in the dark and it’s very smart to do that. (The show doesn’t want these wenches googling ‘Prince Harry’ in case they realise it’s really not him!) Now straight away you might say ‘how do they not know who Prince Harry is or what he looks like and why am I watching this crap’ but let me stop you now – hammer time. No really it’s easy as these girls would have probably only have seen Harry’s naked butt in Vegas in Entertainment Weekly so it’s all good. Plus I will say the way the show does the ‘reveal’ is very smart – but more of that later.
You get my drift.
We are given a montage of what we are to expect from this show including Dudley Fuddpucker (not his real name) – the guy playing Prince Harry, actually saying he’s hoping to actually find a girl. Dude, you are lying about being beyond rich, a Prince and probably the most eligible bachelor on earth – yeah I’m sure they’ll be fine with knowing you borrow a mates bike to go to work because you are so poor you can’t afford a car or bike of your own!! Not a problem! Good luck with that. We see Dudley crying about revealing the truth so guessing it does not all go to plan regarding lying about who you are! Gosh!
Now unlike When Love Comes to Town, we see ‘Harry’ pashing pretty much every girl in sight which means the British and Americans are all skanks. Go Australia – all class! We see all the women turn up to a huge grand castle/manor in Britain yelling out ‘Downton Abbey’ etc and guessing ‘he’s British? No, he’s an Eskimo from Canada living in a grand manor in the countryside of Britain! Prince Harry/Dudley turns out to be Matt & he’s just a regular guy that looks like Captain James Hewitt – sorry I mean Prince Harry. Matt cleans up oil spills for a job (ok). You might also well say – well how does Dudley/Matt/Prince Harry carry this off? I did too. Turns out Dudley has been through shit loads of Prince Harry training including knowing a fork is not a knife, fencing, shooting innocent creatures that happy to wonder onto one’s grand property and polo. Turns out after 3 years of training Dudley finally is ready to be Prince Harry – hoorah! Bring on the yank slags! We get a rather long review of the 12 women with a nice buffet of stupid, vein, kind of sweet and slutty. Excellent casting! I like Leah immediately. She’s SO not the type you see on these shows. The rest are all standard dating type show typicals! I do find it entertaining they all say they are smart, where in which case if that was true they would know a British royal would NEVER do this type of show EVER! So lets just say they are all dumb as stumps and get on with it.
Dudley Harry Matt is loaded onto a helicopter in casual attire as the yank skanks are given high tea which freaks them out as turns out most of them are alcoholics & don’t know what tea is. Kelley is a Southern Bell who is love with romance (they are the worst) and Chelsea is just going to be a wild cat. As they devour scones and cucumber sandwiches henchmen emerge as the chopper swoops in (Get to the chopper!). The girls are freaking out and the show smartly lands the chopper far enough away that you can only JUST see Dudley Harry get out of the chopper and to be honest I’d think it was Prince Harry too from that distance. Dud Harry is taken straight from the chopper to the four wheel drive to his room & is sweating like Robert Hughes at a children’s party. Hope his faux butler has some deodorant handy!
‘Just throw some martini’s under your armpits Sir, should do the trick’.
The girls are all having ‘tea time’ as Dud Harry freaks out upstairs. They are informed by faux butler there will be a masquerade party with frocks and masks supplied. They are also informed one will be picked to be in the room across from ‘sir’ so she can sneak across the hall for a quickie, and then another that has realised it’s not really Prince Harry will be booted stat! Kelley reveals she does not know what sentences or words mean. The girls are bonding while a couple of down to earth girls are freaking out a bit because they don’t think their shit smells like Channel No 5. Vein girl reveals she doesn’t care if this guy is Prince Harry or Harry Potter meaning she has no idea who Prince Harry is – or she wants a magic character to make her a more humble person? Not sure.
‘I’m just in it for the loot and a root!’
The girls are getting ready for the masquerade party and ragging on Leah who is probably the most normal girl there. We also meet Rose who is a pre school teacher and floozy and guessing after seeing this, the dads will be volunteering to pick up little Billy & Emily from pre-school from now on! The party beings and there are live flame performers everywhere because ummmm that’s what happens at masquerade balls? Dud Harry is in a mask & waiting the girls outside who meet him in pairs. Drunky – sorry Maggie – pretty much falls for it (let’s face it they all do) Carley is sucked in straight away declaring she’s highly intelligent because she is pre-med studying solar molecular biology course in college in America – which is equal to passing art class in year 9 here in Australia but I digress… thinks she can definitely nab Faux Harry. Elisa is more excited about the fire performers than the guy. Kelley is confused. Meghan is doubting the whole charade but thinks she’s awesome and Kimberley is a typical New York chick who I do kind of like. Leah I love. Corina is pretty but we don’t know much about her. Andrea is 25 & had no luck with men which seriously ladies goes to show these girls might be young, attractive, hot bodies – but doesn’t mean they meet men that treat them well! Don’t lose hope! The outer layer of the banana may look fresh but the inside the fruit can be rotten!
Faux Harry is grilled by the vixens about who he is but the producers obviously told him to reveal nothing so instead he does private chats and dances REALLY AWKWARDLY with the women to fill in time. Faux Harry is finding it all very full on as these American women are very loud and vocal and just not British – surprise! Not like Britain can boast having a bevy of tasteful well behaved women across the country. It’s slag city.
Yes because British women are just SO classy!
Rose gets dragged off because she’s kind of drunk, giggles a lot and is a mess. She nearly falls over on the gravel path but Faux Harry rescues her. As he chats to her he drops a subtle hint she’s REALLY loud but Rose doesn’t get the hint. Also Faux Harry has obviously never watched Ladettes to Ladies! Next he dances with Leah who can’t dance but neither can he so it’s like a total mess but kind of sweet as Leah wears completely the wrong shoes for the dress and I love her. Turns out Faux Harry actually fancies her quite a lot (bad news for the show – can’t have him fall for one lady on the first night) and Maggie is a completely and absolute drunk! You go girl!
When I pass out like that I just have written on my leg ‘nightmare – avoid’
Can I say now I like New Yorker Kimberley a lot (go New York) She’s not the most gorgeous but she’s down to earth and quite adorable which MAKES her gorgeous god damn it! Let’s face it – Matt faux Harry is a 20 something single horny young man. He’s not an actor so of course he’s going to fancy some girls over others – but rest assured the producers have Faux Harry as their puppet and he vill do vat zay vant him to do! It hits midnight and everyone turns into a pumpkin – ok not really but the girls must take off their masks (check out pre-school chick facial mask lines – must admit I did burst out laughing because she has no idea!). After the women reveal their ‘true selves’ Faux Harry must reveal his true – oh hang on, it’s not really him but it is and gah, this is confusing! The fact faux Harry says they are all gorgeous and out of his league means he’s up for anything probably! (Plus he comes across quite likeable and humble) The minute Faux takes off his mask all the girls are all ‘it IS him, it’s Prince Harry, oh my god’. Get these girls to spec savers stat! Ok ok he does look quite like him.
Geez there isn’t much sex action in this book!
Faux Harry is now being grilled by faux butler about the women. Two were kind of slutty which turns out to be VERY appealing, but he really seriously likes Leah as he finds her very attractive.
I’ll cut it off now as it’s yet to air and I don’t want to ruin anything. Let’s just say this show is corny fun & is going to get very interesting!
Signing off – Gidgit VonLarue (@gidgitvonlarue)