Guest Post: When Love Comes To Town – All Roads Lead To Robe!
Gidgit VonLaRue is this sites reality dating show specialist and she continues to turn her acerbic wit to When Love Comes To Town.
Over to Gidgit:
The bus is off to Robe on South Australia’s lime stone coast. It’s Ainslie’s 36th birthday and we are yet reminded again she’s the eldest girl on the bus (aside from Natalie Grizzledock I guess) and I hope they got Ainslie a walking frame and some depends. We are also reminded Tash has not been picked yet to go on a date so let’s all point and laugh? I’ve also noticed they are not really going to any remote dust patch middle of no-where end of the earth places. They all seem rather quite pleasant! Robe is populated by 1000 people who are carted out to greet the girls again looking confused, but hey the kids got free balloons!
We are told there are a lot of dogs…I’ll leave that one alone. Jemma reminds us YET again she has a son (quick someone give her a trophy) and I really hope she stays with one of the guys as I’m over hearing it. If you love him so much why trolly your booty on some show that keeps you away from him for so long?
Bill and Charlie are presented – eh. I’d be back on the bus asking the driver to put on The Notebook dvd. Charlie is a surf coach (and a bit wiry for a man) and owns/runs – hell I don’t know – some multi million dollar cow ranch set up. He doesn’t like ‘showing that off’ but seeing he’s desperate enough to come on this show, he might want to use the ‘I’m rich’ as the first words out of his mouth! Bill is a balding 33 year old fisherman. He likes to sit on the beach on his own watching Charlie surf? (I’m seeing a pattern in these men) Natalie Grudgematch asks Bill about a life at sea and getting lonely, but you do know he goes out in the morning and comes back that same day Nat? It’s not Deadliest Catch!
Jessica goes with Bill saying about Charlie she ‘doesn’t like jeans with thongs’. Bet she’s regretting judging money bags on that. He could buy her all the magic tricks she wants! The girls again evenly spread their ‘love’ to either man. For Bill’s herd he takes them out on his fishing boat to go cray cray fishing. He’s the first to give all the girls individual roses which means he REALLY wants to make this work – hell these guys are rural – they all do! Riibukka slides into the driving seat to get closer to the camera – I mean Bill – and I’m sure she’s familiar with a speed controller stick! She again acts all flirty & cheeky knowing full well she’s taking this damn bus to the end! But the attention is nice all the same! Prick tease.
Over on the beach Charlie is teaching his ladies how to surf. Renee fesses up she’s crap at sport but she’s not there to compete in the Olympics, she’s there to find a bloke! Renee comes from rural blood which impresses Charlie who not only has multi millions – but multi coloured teeth I’ve noticed. Renee doesn’t like a man too smart it turns out so she should really be hunting for guys on Bogan Hunters!
On the cray boat Abbey catches Bill’s eyes but she’s been picked before so producers would be in his ear telling him who to choose no doubt. Abbey is scared of lobsters because she’s a city girl and we don’t get lobsters in the city?? Has she never picked one from the tank in a Chinese restaurant? It’s the best fun! God I hate this ‘oooh I’m scared’ girls. Bucker up. It’s a lobster, not a tiger shark!
Back to the beach and Ainslie knows how to put a wet suit on and Renee doesn’t. Jemma is on the surf board screaming ‘I have a 7 year old son!’ Ainslie whisks Charlie away and it’s all going smoothly and really well and this could really – oh how old is she? 36? Sorry Ainslie, Charlie wants a prolific breeder plus he is really shallow seeing he looks like a muppet. Pssst Charlie – ‘older girls’ are better in bed dude. Your loss.
On the love boat Bill has cooked up some lobster and is serving it with champagne. Hell, I’LL marry you dude! Tash has never had lobster before but she has had crabs so there’s that! Tash finally gets ‘Bill time’ and is just down to earth and not phoney at all. All you guys that passed on her missed out!
Charlie takes the chicks back to his beach hut right on the beach. Ainslie can see herself raising rugrats there and Jemma gets some Charlie time. I thought she was an art teacher, but now she’s a yoga teacher and high school teacher – leaving off the ‘art’ bit. She reveals a big shock – she has a 7 year old son! Wha what?? Charlie scampers. Ok not really but the ‘kid card’ always shocks dudes that have not already had kids – just a tip! Still Charlie is feeling her vibe it seems. What’s with the ‘older’ chicks always picking the younger guys, and the younger chicks picking the older guys??
So time for Bill to pick and he picks ‘me me me’ Ruubukka and FINALLY Tash gets picked. Phoney Vs Genuine. Lets see who wins!? FIGHT! Abbey comments Bill will have his ‘hands full’ really meaning Ripukkia is high maintenance so good luck dude! Back at Charlie Cove he picks Renee who really needs to buy some mascara and ‘I have a 7 year old son’. Ainslie is upset as she really liked Charlie (not sure why – maybe she knew he was rich?)
Meanwhile we return to Minderella (bwahahahaha) with Andy the wine maker in the Barossa Pissup. Andy surprises Mindy with a hot air balloon ride, obviously hoping it will make her ride something hot later on. He says it’s cold and needs a cuddle and Mindy reacts like she’s being felt up by someone with leprosy! Back on the ground Andy pandy is trying to make Mindy poo’s drunk with wine while touching up her leg and again she can’t even look him in the eyes while faking ‘boy I’ll be sad to go’ while literally packing her bags in her mind. She’s on the verge of saying ‘look bud, I got no television time, they told me to stay here as one girl ALWAYS has to stay behind – get your fucking hand off my leg you leech’.
Charlie is busy taking Jemma and Renee back to his cattle farm to do shit crap farming work because lets face it, he’s such a romantic! Charlie reveals he has lots of cows and lots of farms. Turns out the 1000 cows everywhere was no alert to Jemma as she asks what type of farm it is. It’s a walnut farm Jemma – the cows are wild! Next Renee drives the yute while Jemma climbs onto the back to ‘hand feed’ the cows the hay. This seriously cracked me up. Rather than push the bails off the back of the truck like anyone with a GOD DAMN BRAIN IN THEIR HEAD WOULD DO – she pulls off little bits of hay like she’s feeding a mouse. I had to watch this a few times as it did hit my funny bone! As I tweeted ‘I’m a city girl born and bred and even I know how to do all this farming stuff’! Have they never watched movies or TV shows or been to the country?? My dad took me to El Cabballo Blanco when I was 12 god damn it (yep that’s how old I am!) It never really DID feel like you were living in Spain – but the horses were nice.
Back in town Roobeeka gets taken four wheel driving by Bill who just does it to see her tit’s juggle up and down constantly and DUDE stop looking at them. You are on camera! We can ALL see. I’m amazed he didn’t crash he was perving so much. They get to the most beautiful bay I think I’ve seen and it reminds me Colonel and I must really eventually drive around Australia. Promise I’ll film it. Should be amusing! On the beach Bill asks Rubbukka if she’d move for love and she pretty much replied ‘nope’. Then he calls it quits and she reveals she’s been fucked over before by a guy. Welcome to life honey! Now jiggle your way back to town because you are OUT! Over with Charlie Brown and he’s making ‘I have a son’ clean out a shitty cow drinking trough. Oh you smooth operator. Jemma gets sludgy cow shit all over her hand then it’s time for lunch! Jemma reminds us AGAIN she likes yoga yadda yadda and turns out her son is actually a hobby of hers – like painting or collecting fingernail cuttings? That’s just weird. 10 more years and he’ll be dropping you like a turd from giraffe’s ass to run off with some girl called Mindy (or boy called Mike – lets face it – single mum – no other kids!) And why do none of the girls play with the dogs? I love dogs. I’d be spending more time with them than the guy!
Back from break and I’ve run out of my favourite wine so have to drink the slosh someone gave me for Christmas that tastes like cow piss. Eh, it’s booze. Tash is duding herself up to go out on a solo date. Bill is taking Tash for a ‘stroll’ – where’s the jiggle mobile Bill? Bill and Tash grab some fish and chips and just feed the damn seagulls already! It’s turning into Hitchcock’s The Birds! Tash fesses she could and would move (unlike Roopukka) & Bill is stoked!
Charlie is still working his girls and I’m starting to think some of these guys just need some farm work done for free! Charlie & Renee have a water fight which should have been sexy but was more like 6 year olds playing with hoses in the back yard. Charlie soaks Renee with his love hose. Over at Bill’s place and he’s taken the girls to some faux Mexican cantina to meet family & friends. Tash fits in like she’s the bell of the ball while Bill’s friends stare at Roobukka’s tits. Ribbukka is not comfortable at this get-together as there are now too many people stealing her spotlight. And I’m not sure what she was doing with that curly blonde headed toddler but he’s running away from her pretty damn quick!
Charlie is having dinner with his girls. Yeah that’s about it really. Let’s get back to the action at Bill’s place and turns out Bill paints like a kinky kid! Now it gets good – Bill is all over Tash and Ribukka is ‘just not used to not having everyone’s attention on her all the damn time’ – oh plus she’s vegetarian so the dish of abalone is not making her happy, oh and the shit painting Bill painted looks like Tash he thinks (poor Tash). Reminder Bukka – you clearly told Billy boy you would NOT move to be with any man away from home. You were OUT the minute you said that, no matter how much you jiggle your fun bags! He wants a keeper, not a teaser!
Meanwhile Charlie is on the beach with Jemma sitting in front of an open fire and where can you keep doing this? I know you can’t go light an open fire on NSW beaches!! I can’t even light a fire in my damn backyard!
Over at drama central and Bill’s attention to Tash is freaking Roopuka out because she’s not being drooled all over. She’s literally having an ego melt down. It’s not water she needs Bill – it’s more air time and a mirror. Reepugga ends up going to bed and crying and we just see a door handle crying which is weird. In the Barossa Drunk Hub Mindy is being driven around in a sporty convertible by Andy. Mindy does have her hand on his leg but I think she just wants to keep it close to the hand break because he’s driving like a tool. So Mindy is off – cue awkward closed mouth, not even really on each other’s lips – kiss. Seriously don’t bother Andy. Move on dude. She’s a no go.
FINALLY decision day!! One girl stays – guessing it now. Natalie Grossplonk shows up to go through the ritual. Bill’s left holding the crayfish when both girls turn him down. I’m pissed they didn’t show Roopukas face while Bill was basically saying ‘I want Tash’. Bad editor – very bad editor! We swim in the misery of others – didn’t you watch Australian Story the other night? Sheesh.
I will say Tash really had to think about whether to plonk herself back on the bus or not, but Bill’s bald so bus city it is! Next is Charlie and guessing Jemma will stay but they ‘threw me’ a bit as she was 3rd girl to decide, and she does stay. Leaving Renee to – well say she’s off because why would she stay? Like she’s going to be the third wheel? And yes you do need to get over being picky Renee. If you saw the chart of guys I’ve dated etc, none of them looked the same! It’s about finding your best friend you want to fuck. *Quote from the bible.*
Tonight the show brings in some more slappers and it’s old bus girls Vs new bus girls and some long haired hippie dude. This is going to get good! See you then.
Gidget Von Larue signing off.