Guest Post: House Rules – Garden Time!
Over to Annajjj to her funny recap of the latest House Rules episode:
Tonight it’s the gardens and in NSW the Cappers and Madllo (sorry but it’s the best I can do) assemble in front of Ryandy’s house. All teams have just 3 and a half days to completely makeover the gardens and exteriors. The first lot of House Rules are:
Sleek and modern
Animate (not anime) our entry with lights and water
Shades of green but no flowers
Timber, stone and metal accents
Choose either front or back zone – as if there was a danger that one team might try and hog both zones.
There is a box in the front yard that looks a lot like the one in Seven but instead of Gwyneth’s head it contains a fishbowl. Madllo look like they would have preferred the head. In the backyard there is a coffin which contains sleepers that the Cappers now have to use in their zone.
In WA Ryandy and Lisadz arrive at the Cappers and the House Rules are:
Bali inspired bush haven
Safe for the grandkids
Light up nights with a tropical vibe
Choose one zone each
Lisadz choose the front which has a big crate containing Stonehenge and Ryandy find a massive crate which contains…Grandpa’s Chair! Good to see you again Grandpa’s chair, although it seems you’ve had a Balinese makeover. You’re going to get your own tranquil setting thereby smashing two rules with one chair. Back in the front Lisa and Adam steal my Stonehenge line.
There is a quick team meeting about the WA house colour where everyone happily overrules Ryan just for the sake of it and back in NSW the two teams have decided to bag the house. Once more three people are happy with the colour but this time Gapper is not. The Cappers can’t decide on anything ever, Lloyd tells us. The Cappers are to teamwork what the iceberg was to the Titanic.
Gapper then floods the lawnmower prompting Carole to snigger at him. ‘Have we got an axe?’ asks Gapper under his breath. Go for it Gapper, there’s not a court in the land who won’t think you’ve been unreasonably provoked.
Over in WA Lisa giggles that she is pretty much useless (and this chick then wonders why she gets slammed on social media). Adam is rolling huge rocks around which is good for the female viewers but probably not good for his back. His excavator hits the sewage pipe and does this warrant an F-Bomb? No apparently not although he is looking a bit hot and bothered.
Several teams take a break to go shopping and Candy tells us she hates shopping with Ryan and whatever you think of Candy you’d have to agree with her here. Meanwhile Madllo think a fish water feature is a terrible idea so they are shopping for a pond with about as much enthusiasm as a teenaged boy shopping for his mother’s tampons.
Back in NSW the railway sleepers are being installed…..vertically. Oh come on. That’s ridiculous. Gapper agrees. It looks like sticks stuck in the ground he says but we are quickly overruled by the artistic director who insists they are fabulous. I’ll use one as a spear in a minute threatens Gapper but as we’ve seen before, sadly these are empty threats.
Heeeeres McFlurry! Of course you’d prefer not to have a sunken deck and a low ceiling she rudely informs the Cappers, brushing aside their excuses of budget constraints. Carole stands firm for about 3 seconds and then seems to change her mind purely to fuck with Gapper’s. She changes her mind about six times this episode simply because she can. Pass me a spear.
Ryandy head out shopping for massive Balinese heads for the Cappers. So yeah the backyard might technically be safe for the grandkids but I’m betting these monstrosities will scare the living shit out of them.
Chester! turns up to pull a McFlurry, inspecting and criticizing Lloyd’s entrance. ‘I see you’ve had a good crack at having a go’ he tells him. Whatever the hell that means.
Then McTiresome comes back and this time she has Candy in her sights. She hassles her about the house colour. ‘Does that house colour make you think bush retreat?’ she asks and ‘ooh ooh pick me!’ cries Ryan because he knows the answer. It’s beachy! ‘Exactly’ states Dawn French* and for some reason Candy thinks that means she must change it all. No. No. No. How about bugger off McFrenchy and Ryan. Go take a long dive into a shallow fish pond.
Ryan can hardly keep the told-ya-so! smirk off his face and bad news dickhead, you just lost the viewer vote.
In NSW they are having Subway for dinner accompanied by the sounds of the Cappers bitching at each other. In WA Ryan is busy building a man-cave. He’s never done one before but he’s bound to be extremely good at it.
It’s football night again tomorrow so no House Rules. We’ll be back on Sunday for the first of the reveals.
*Kudos to the poster whose name I’ve forgotten who came up with this!