Beauty and the Geek – Geekiness is in the eye of the beholder
OK, full disclosure – all I’ve seen of this show so far is the final five minutes of the previous episode, so please forgive me if I comment on the obvious. I have, however, been following Corin-gate here and with only the credits down, can confidently say “you’re a fake and a phony and I wish I’d never laid eyes on you!”.
Some questions before we start:
- Toby – which three degrees is he studying and how far along is he in those? And given that he’s such a full-on student, how is it that he is also famous for always wearing suits? Did he go to the same school as Alex P. Keaton?
- Jenna – which airline is she with? I think Raver has requested this information before, but I haven’t seen it answered.
- Emma – miss congeniality? Is that even a thing? And shouldn’t there be capital letters in there somewhere?
Corin’s already annoying me and he hasn’t said anything yet.
The geeks discover that they have potentially life-changing makeovers in their very near futures. Peter feels that he is desperately in need of a transformation, but of all the guys, he’s the one with the most potential. He’s like the “ugly” lab tech who is transformed into “but Miss Jane, you’re beautiful!” once the glasses are off and the hair is shaken out of the severe bun.
Toby ponders matching his makeover with a cool identity change. Would he be more appealing as a Seth or a Conrad? The first nominee for the “no shit” award tonight goes to Jeremy, who reveals that his mum cuts his hair.
In another part of the mansion, the girls are discussing the guys. What do you think they will look like? “Hopefully better!” Squeal!
Jenna is giving Toby some counsel: “You need to get your hair shorter. Remarkably shorter. And highlights.” Toby counters with “the only highlights I have is when I’m studying”. Oh, ZING! Medic! My sides need stitching up.
“He’s so geeky! That’s all I can say!” exclaims Lisa of Corin, as he departs for his date with the stylists.
In the stylists’ studio, we discover that Toby’s never worn jeans and Xenogene is a total Harry highpants. He tells the stylists that he likes to wear his jeans above his hips so as to keep them up. One looks completely taken aback, and can only manage to gasp out a shocked “that’s what a belt is for!”. Jeremy’s being given a spray tan, which has to be a bad idea given that he’s of the ranga persuasion. Toby’s getting his eyebrows waxed, and thinks it could be painful… and then we see poor, hairy Peter.
How does Bernard manage to keep a straight face when he greets the girls as “hello beauties!”? And how have they learned so quickly to react to that greeting?
Unleashing the makeovers
- Peter is in a suit trying to pull off a douche move. He looks a little bit like Mick Molloy. A slightly campy Mick Molloy. The ladies like.
- Jeremy has a fake tan that must have been applied by Valentino’s people. He does look like a thin oompa loompa, but the girls still squeal.
- Corin looks like Pee Wee Herman, which Emma thinks is a nice improvement. Whatever. She does that hideous finger-chewing flirt. Ick.
- Toby: after the break… (although *spoiler alert!* the girls sqeal!) He comes in looking like an inflated Zac Efron. Oh, snap! He’s just described himself as “Zac Efron having let himself go”.
- Xenogene: Hadassah doesn’t know what to expect. He emerges, looking like a flaccid hairdresser from the late 80s. Well, she thinks he’s a spunky monkey. He looks really freaky, but Hadassah really does love it and is in tears.
Our contestants repair to their rooms to get a closer look at the makeovers. Seriously, Seven needs to have some sort of warning tone that sounds before they show the tanned ranga. It’s frightening. Hadassah is oohing and ah-ing over Xenogene’s waxed chest and he’s voicing over that the gurlz really do seem to value the “outside”. Peter needs to take off his jacket, as he’s still feeling a bit tender from all of that hair removal. He takes off the shirt as well. I can’t believe they didn’t wax his arms! He now looks as though he’s wearing a skin T-shirt.
Bernard greets our geeks’n’freaks at the “legendary” Channel Seven studios. As Ada Nicodemou and Luke Jacobs are introduced, Corin does his hideous little look-at-me-I’m-a-geek dance and clap… but if he were a real geek he’d be like Toby, who is all “who are these people?”.
God, the Homers actors are dreadful. Lisa “could’ve sworn they were together in real life” as she watches them snacking on all the available scenery in their little love scene. I don’t think Lisa’s acting career stands a chance if she views this performance as anything other than panto crap. Toby also thinks the two professionals are flaunting their acting skills in front of the amateurs, but I’ll give him a pass on that since he’s, you know, a geek and all.
Our geeks’n’freaks prepare for their scenes:
- Corin’s trying to convince Lisa to kiss him
- Emma’s suspicious that Jeremy’s using this as an excuse to kiss her
- Jenna tells Toby that tango and salsa are the same thing, but Toby’s not so sure.
- Xenogene is analysing the script and thinks a snog is on the cards. Hadassah, for all her tears and “Oi love him!” histrionics earlier is having none of it.
Peter and Michelle do a way better job of their scene than Ada and Luke did, however he makes the rather daring decision to pick her up as she’s coming in for a clinch and we get a sound effect that alerts us to possible knickers exposure.
Hadassah and Xenogene have no chemistry at all and then he slips into a weird accent to cover for her complete lack of ability to look like a living being. At least Xenogene has diagnosed her potentially dangerous magnesium deficiency.
Toby is “acting”, with all that the air quotes imply. There are expansive gestures, exaggerated eye-rolls, and even the hand on the heart to signify sincerity. Ada and Luke are sold. They’ll never get a call to be guest judges on the forthcoming “So You Think You Can Act”. Jenna is awkward, throwing herself violently at an unsuspecting Toby.
Corin’s of the breathing and sticking the bum out school of acting, which is how he’s been playing the whole episode to date. She really has to look into an alternative career, because she’s only marginally better than Hadassah. He thinks there’s “fire and passion” and interviews that “we have to kiss!” but they chicken out.
Jeremy sure knows how to light up a room! Or is it just the fake tan? Ada thinks Emma’s doing a good job. Will there be a kiss? “Embrace me!” cries Emma, which should have been a signal to Jeremy that a kiss was out of the question, but he perseveres and gets his first lip lock.
Like, Ada thought the geeks were, like, fantastic! But there can only be one winning couple and today it’s Corin and Lisa. Really? Really? Look out for Seth Meyers’ analysis of this on Saturday Night Live.
What will they do with the power of nomination? The other contestants contemplate the possibilities. Toby’s practiced wit really is excrutiating: “we’ve got the card three times. If we get ten we’ll get a free one”. No, I don’t understand what they might get with ten nominations, either. A ticket home?
Does Hadassah wear her name around her neck so that she doesn’t forget who she is? Perhaps she should wear it backwards so that she’s be able to read it in the mirror. She’s upset because she feels that they will be on the way out. Xenogene really is going to need to study up on that whole empathy thing – you can’t get dates on 80s hair alone.
Lisa would like to get rid of Emma, but Corin won’t hear of it. Who will they choose? Who will get the red rose?
(Does anybody else think that Toby’s looking better now that his makeover has settled in a bit?)
Tension builds. BUT! It’s a non-elimination round! Corin does his slack-jawed underbite “I’m a real geek, trust me” look. That’s not the only bombshell, though. Our contestants will have to go on a date with somebody other than their partner. Corin tries to look horrified. He just looks daft. “It’s so twisted! Like, it confuses my head!” complains Michelle. Corin and Lisa get to choose the pairings and get to take their dates out of the mansion.
The first pairing is Toby and Michelle. Toby’s “appreciative” because she’s his “favourite”. Jeremy gets Hadassah and she thinks that’s awesome. Jenna goes with Xenogene and she’s not at all gracious about it. Lisa goes with Peter and he’s happy. So that leaves… Ema and Corin. Vom.
Peter reads a note he’s found, haltingly, as though it’s in Esperanto. They are in tuxedos, which puts them into James Bond territory, according to Lisa. Certainly not Daniel Craig’s version. Or Sean Connery’s. Or Timothy Dalton’s. Or Pierce Brosnan’s. Or even George Lazenby’s.
A stretch limo pulls up at the door and Lisa is thrilled to be able to re-experience the sensation of the year twelve formal. Who doesn’t want to go through that again?
On the dates at the mansion, we see the new couples getting to know one another. “Live life and have no shame” is Michelle’s motto. Xenogene is sweet talking Jenna with Star Trek minutiae. The “exposed underwear” cuckoo sound effect comes out for this.
God, the banality of the Corin/Emma conversation is making my eyes bleed. She gives the date 8.5 out of ten, but revises that in a post date interview to a 9, or maybe even closer to 10!
So… that concludes tonight’s Beauty (ahem) and Geek festivities. Tune in next week for Corin’s love-rattiness exposed! Not the love-rattiness that’s featured in comments on previous posts, but his in-house wooing of more than one so-called beauty.