Posts from — May 2010

Last night on Masterchef, Matt made a complete prat of himself, but we won’t be seeing that in the previews for tonight. We will, however, be seeing George bellowing about something and Jake feeling “devastated” because he wanted his seafood platter to be perfect. So, um, spoiler alert? Jake puts up a dish that isn’t perfect? Smoke ‘em if you’ve got ‘em, people. I think this could be tedious.

Post credits, Matthew reminds us why they’re here – because they messed up the pasta. Unfortunately I’m not sure why I’m still here. Jake tells us that seafood is the one thing he’s really good at, so this Rick Stein challenge should be right up his alley. Has he forgotten that the pasta challenge was also seafood? And that we have just seen his interview alerting us to a lack of perfection? Trivialities, perhaps, but my tolerance threshold is low tonight. Jimmy reiterates his food dream, and I don’t think Masterchef is really the right place for him: they’re always going to criticise him for something that he should be celebrated for and he has a strong sense of what he wants to do, anyway. If Matthew doesn’t make it through tonight, he should probably try to sort out some of those dad-approval issues.

Gary’s hurt his leg, so Matt is on hand to welcome the boys to the kitchen. The safe contestants are lined up on the balcony as usual – I really hope Aaron positions himself over Matt and drops something at his head. We get the big intro to the guest chef, but since we’ve known that it’s Rick Stein for at least 24 hours, it’s just grating, pompous blah blah blah.

The seafood platter is revealed and the “little man” beside Jimmy is, indeed, beaming. Neither Jimmy nor Matthew looks to be confident. Rick goes through all the seafood carefully, after which George says, redundantly “there’s lot of different seafoods here”. Well, yes. Fifteen elements, to be precise. Matt prompts Rick to reveal that it would be $300-$350 worth of seafood and “it would be a travesty” to mess it up. Our losers have two hours to do just that. Fireball.

Jimmy is planning not to panic, which is a damn good approach. They’re getting their nage on, or “stock” as Marion dumbs down for us. She’s concerned that Jimmy’s not onto his crab yet, as are George and Rick, particularly since he’s been a little too precise chopping his veg for the nage… I mean stock.

Jake is mixing his mayo by hand, as is Jimmy, but Matt has completed his within 30 seconds using a stick blender. He interviews that “it would be a travesty” to screw up the expensive seafood, which shows that he has potential for a career in politics, with his ability to stick to the talking points. Maybe that would satisfy his dad?

Overcooked seafood is the biggest mistake people make, according to Rick, so that’s what he’ll be looking for. Jimmy gets some advice from the peanut gallery to beard his mussels after cooking, which is not something I’ve ever considered doing. Matt is breaking open his sea urchin and Joanne observes that both he and Jake are going like steam trains, while Jimmy is falling behind. He is determined to run his own hare-and-the-tortoise race here, which is an idea with some merit if he manages to get everything done and not destroy the sea urch… oh, too late!

After the fireball, Jimmy’s sea urchin is still a mess. Just as he voices over that he hopes Rick doesn’t notice, we see Rick peering over the balcony with a look of concern. George and Matt scurry over to try to talk Jimmy through a salvage operation.

George bellows at them: “do me a favour and don’t. overcook. the. seafood”. Well, since you asked as a favour, George. Jake loses a body part from his crab and Matthew provides us with an inventory of what he still has to do. Jake feels that he’s got everything cooked at this stage so is just cruising, and Jimmy has Joanne and Adam hissing at him from the balcony to get his crab out. Peter thinks Jimmy might actually be edging ahead, since Jake has taken half an hour to pick his crab. After the crab, Jake then starts on the oysters, and seems to be taking his sweet time cleaning those, too. Matthew is getting onto his tarragon butter sauce and somebody notices that Jimmy’s is too thick. Just as Rick calls Joanne over to tell her to get Jimmy to thin it down, he pulls the head off his lobster. Bom bom BOM!

Jake, having cruised through the prep, realises that he has undercooked his blue swimmer crab. Jimmy is dealing with poo chutes as Matthew starts to plate up. George exhorts them to “boom boom”. Really?

Jake still needs to do his mayo and his crab, and Peter thinks he has forgotten about his sea urchin. He hasn’t. George promises us that for one of them it will be the last time they’ll cook in the Masterchef kitchen, so at least we’re not in for surprise comebacks.

Jake’s mussels still have their beards, Jimmy has forgotten his fingerbowl, and who knows what Matthew is doing? Plating up with ruthless efficiency, I guess. Time’s up and Jake is devastated because his seafood is far from perfect.

Tasting

Matthew
Rick smiles at Matthew, so he won’t be getting a return gig. He needs to take a crash course in snarl 101 if he’s going to cut it with this crowd. Matthew explains that he felt he was up against the seafood specialist in Jake and is then dismissed so our judges can eat. Matt declares the platter spectacular and Rick agrees. As for the cooking, Rick is happy with the mussels and clams and George is impressed with the sea urchin. Negatives? The yabby is undercooked and the bug still has a poo tube, but Rick still declares himself happy with it.

Jimmy
Matt reminds Jimmy that he should be trying to prove that he’s not just a “spice” man – is that why they’ve presented him with an almost spice free challenge? He believes he’s put every element on the plate, which is a start, I guess. Rick doesn’t necessarily disagree with this self-assessment, but thinks it looks “dropped” on the plate and George eagerly points out the urchin issues. He’s a bit of a dobber, our George.  This is why I don’t like the judges prowling during cooking.  Matt delicately spits out some crab cartilage and also finds some “intestinal tract”. He’s too sensitive for “poo chute” but will hurl somebody’s food on the floor?  I think I need some strong paper towels to mop up the mess I’ve just made.  George loves the crab dressing and they all praise the yabbies.

Jake
He starts by saying he’s not happy with his work – I guess it’s a good strategy to set the expectation low. Jake’s messy presentation is seen as “God throwing seafood on a plate”, so dropping is bad, throwing is good, but only if you’re a god. Which… Jake is?  Matt spits “gravel” out of a clam and pulls out a poo tube (he wasn’t too precious this time). The crab salad lacks capers, but the tarragon butter is good and the oysters are lovely.

Rick bows out of the judging.

Judging

Matt tells them they put up three GREAT seafood platters.

• Jimmy put up the best crab salad, but the presentation was clumsy
• Jake: best yabbies, oysters and mayonnaise, but the crab salad was insipid and not generous
• Matthew: nailed the presentation is criticised for leaving the intestinal tract in. Given that he wasn’t the only one to do so, it’s obvious that he’s safe.

Oh, what was that, Matt? Matthew is safe. Huh, who’d'a thunk it. Are you sure you don’t want to interrogate them over their “intentions” first? He’s told to phone his dad and essentially say “nerny nerny ner ner”.

Jimmy gets an eerie “time’s up” chill. And… fireball.

And he’s going home.

“The great thing about Jimmy going is that you know he’s going to be okay”, says Aaron.  This suggests that the others would be placed on 24 hour watch.

Other points

• There must be a rule where the chef can’t communicate directly with the contestants, preventing Rick from telling Jimmy about his sauce, but why was Joanne in sole charge of overseeing Jimmy’s progress
• Was there any mention of the quality of Jimmy’s sauce in the judging?
• As discussed with EricG, why does the chef join in with eating and commenting on the dishes and then recuse him/herself from judging? Do the judges actual remove the chef’s comments from their consciousnesses?
• I really wish they’d just tell the unsuccessful contestant that the decision’s been made and what it is, rather than have that totally useless “I wanna be here 110%” session.
• Matt’s credibility for me is so low that I wouldn’t be surprised if he kept a poo tube up his sleeve for judging. Not that it would be SCRIPTED, you understand, just – you know – teed up with a couple of cameramen.
• Tomorrow? Maggie Beer. I typed “Maggie Bear” first, which would be great if Ruth Cracknell was still with us. Can you imagine?  She’s call Aaron “Arthur” and compare him unfavourably to Robbie.  Still, even given how much I love Maggie Beer, how is that going to be a challenge of a similar calibre to, say, Philippa Sibley? Aaron could have a shot.

In a surprise announcement (ok for me )today Matthew Newton will get the much sought after role of host of The X Factor. Actors across Australia will be gnashing their teeth and debating whether this is a sign that reality TV is taking over the space where “real” acting drama’s used to be.

Personally I think people can dabble in both genres, but I must say I would not have picked Matt Newton to be one of actors to cross to the reality dark side. But it might be a great role to improve his confidence after a stint in rehab for alcohol and drug issues.

I am glad that Fremantle Media, and Seven have given us a “fresh” face for the series.

Newton will be front and centre as hopefuls take the stage to perform in front of judges and mentors Kyle Sandilands, Natalie Imbruglia, Guy Sebastian and Ronan Keating.

“I’m extremely honoured to be given this opportunity,” Newton said today. “This is a massive show and a massive opportunity. I’m a huge fan of the UK version and can’t wait to get started.”

I am starting to think this show is going to kick butt.

We start the week with a look back on Aaron’s rollercoaster ride from last week. He reminds us that he missed his anniversary and we see a clip of him being bollocked by George over his tardiness with the oysters. All this doom and gloom is about to be brightened, though, as Peter accepts a delivery for him and it’s a “care package” from the fiancee. He weeps happily.

Once our contestants reach the kitchen, Matt tells them that they “came of age” as cooks in Melbourne. Gary repeats the fiction that winning the mystery box is a massive advantage for the invention test. Fiona won last week, right? And now? She’s… gone. Yup.

Mystery box

Brains, pears, white anchovies, bacon, paprika, hazelnuts, sugar-snap peas and a bread roll. The contestants look pretty unhappy about this turn of events. They are quite possibly pre-emptively nauseous about the barrage of brain-related jokes Gary is about to make.

“Show some heart! And use your brains!”

Callum blanches his brains and is in the process of getting ready for the deep-frying when the Gs approach to ask what he’s cooking. Um, brains? Aaron’s doing deep fried anchovies and is thinking about slicing his brains and deep frying them, a process which the Gs are not at all convinced by. Marion is pulling her fried brains out of the pot as the Gs approach and they look very impressed with her effort. Peter has also crumbed his brains and is crisping up some bacon and grilling the pears. And I’ve now typed “brains” more frequently than if I’d gone ahead and cashed in on the zombie craze with a hasty novel.

Gary reminds us that they’re only tasting the three best and I don’t get to moan about is this week, since Mr Injera gets in first with the “how do they know they’re tasting the best if they’re only tasting three?”.

Tasting

• Marion: Matt tells her that her brains are mushy, but the vinaigrette is lovely. George thinks the whole dish is gorgeous and well-balanced. He’s loyal to the girl who wore his apron!
• Peter: He interviews that he’s happy to be called up, but that Marion is a tough act to follow. He’s wrapped his brains in bacon, which is how I’l like to go. Gary likes the caramelisation of the pear – good that Peter took his advice on the colour – but finds the bacon a bit thick.
• Callum: Matt tells him that his brains are perfectly cooked, but undermines the compliment by suggesting that it might have been pure luck.

“We’ve tasted the top three dishes!” Oh, shut up, Gary.

Marion wins.

Invention test

Joanne wins my heart a little when she interrupts Gary’s portentous, drawn-out lead up to what the challenge is by whispering “pasta” before he gets to the “exciting” reveal. That’ll teach you, Gary.

Aaron reminds us that he’d love to open a pasta restaurant, so realises that the pressure will be on him today.

15 ingredients per contestant, 2 minutes in the pantry and 45 minutes to cook, which is NOT enough time to rest a pasta dough, is it?

Marion decides to choose the ingredient that’s best for her, rather than one that will stymie her competitors. She has a choice of seafood, beef and mushrooms. She loves mushrooms! She goes mushrooming! She chooses… seafood. Aaron will be happy.

Sharnee spills her salmon roe on the floor as she leaves the pantry, giving Matt the opportunity to come to the rescue with his ever-ready Handee Ultra. Bleagh.

• Joanne is making fennel and prawn mousse ravioli.
• Jake was planning on a gorgonzola and smoked salmon pasta with smoked mussels but he forgot the gorgonzola and the smoke mix.
• The Gs get together to moan about overly creamy pasta and then head over to see what Jimmy’s making. It’s a pasta with a creamy sauce. And he cops to never having made pasta before. Oh, Jimmy.
• Aaron has thrown a lot at his dish, including truffle oil and chipotle.
• Matthew is making something he’s done before, which surprises me. It seems to surprise the Gs as well, who remember his solid ravioli from the Yarra Valley.
• Marion is making scorched prawn and ricotta tortellini, which Jonathan thinks will be foul. He obviously hasn’t read the memo telling him that Marion has a YOOGE advantage due to her mystery box win. Her scorching makes for the perfect fireball segue.
• Alvin is first up after the ads and is making a ravioli in a brodo, the details of which I miss as I’m violently gagging over the salmon roe Handee Ultra ad at the end of the break.
• Sharnee is making fettucine with garlic prawns which could be okay if she manages to get her water on in time.
• Jonathan is doing prawn canneloni with a prawn and saffron bisque sauce. George is impressed by the number of processes he’ll be undertaking.

Tasting

• Sharnee: She’s not “overly confident” with her dish. Matt decrees that it is “wonderful” pasta. Gary likes the lemon zest flavour and admires how well she’s laminated, cut and cooked the pasta.
• Matthew: His ravioli with the sage butter is let down by the leathery pasta. Redemption is out of reach.
• Jimmy: Matt says it looks like two-minute noodles and Jimmy agrees.
• Alvin: His tortellini with prawn and celery brodo earns him a “welcome back” from Matt, who praises the way he’s lifted a “shop bought” stock.
• Jake: Dog’s breakfast, says Gary.
• Aaron: Gary reminds him that he cooks pasta four to five times a week and wants to open a pasta restaurant. Should Aaron give up on his dream? Not yet – Gary LOVES it. LOVES IT! Aaron looks really relieved, but he’s really worried about what Matt will think. He flings it on the floor telling Aaron that it’s disgusting. What a prick. And what does that say of his opinion of Gary’s palate? I guess he’s giving himself another chance to shill those paper towels – I wonder if they’re strong enough to protect against piercing shards of broken porcelain?

Fireball.

Just in case we missed it, we get to see Matt’s disrespectful arrogance again.

And then… the reveal. It’s a fakeout! He was going on to say “disgustingly good!”. The shark? It has been jumped.

• Marion’s dish is apparently brilliant, but I don’t care anymore.
• Jonathan’s dish: commended for being clever and interesting but doesn’t quite work.

Judging

Top six

Alvin, Jonathan, Marion, Aaron, Sharnee, Joanne
Joanne? Did we even SEE her dish? Apparently it was great?

Winner
Aaron. Hopefully it was worth the stress.

Bottom Three
Jimmy, Jake, Matthew

The rest are told to breathe a sigh of relief and go home. I wonder if they are going to spend their down-time wondering whether they want to continue participating in this ritualised bullying-only-joking! Hahahahaha! It’s all about the food, no really!

Other points

• Once the judges have announced the first two of the top three for the Mystery Box challenge, how is it exciting that there is one spot left? There’s only one winner and no advantage for the other two.
• Tortured alliterative wordplay of the evening: “Pasta perfection or past it’s use-by date”
• I have to go back to that fakeout on Aaron. The guy seems to have been having a rough time. We began the episode seeing how fragile he was and how much the parcel from his partner cheered him up, but he was clearly feeling the pressure given that the expectation was so high for him with pasta. Matt’s comment was not one that could be spotted from a distance as a typical fakeout (and I’ve seen some fakeouts in my time of watching reality TV): he said “That’s disgusting”. It wasn’t sneaky editing that cut off the -ly – he said “that’s disgusting”. He roared. He flung the plate down. And that kind of blatant manipulation? Is disgusting.

Last year’s Masterchef Australia contestant Lucas Parson teaching private cooking lessons, with Fergie’s sister Jane Ferguson, for between $300 and $450 a head. ( Source: Sunday Telegraph)

Former Dancing On Ice contestant Lara Bingle, (OK and former WAG) is currently in New York looking for work and wearing impossibly high heels. (Source: Sunday Telegraph)

Australian Idol songstress Paulini will be seen on TV in Sisters of War. Also in the same column Richard Clunes muses what Aaron Harvie has done on Masterchef Australia to be picked last in the team challenges. Again I find it strange as they then gave him the responsibility for the main course. Was this a tactic to get him put up for elimination? (Source: Sunday Telegraph)

Former Australian on American Idol, Michael Johns has been signed to Sony Japan for a second album. He has currently been touring with Brooke White. (Source: Sunday Telegraph)

It Takes Two winner Ericka Heynatz has filmed the video for her second single bullet. Her album will be released later this year, two years after she appeared on the show. (Source: Sunday Telegraph)

Guy Sebastian has said he will be the nice judge on The X Factor (Source: Herald Sun)

Former Project Runway Australia host Kristy Hinze denies trying IVF with her husband Jim Clark (Source: Herald Sun). UPDATE: I should add Kristy is keen to host the show if it goes ahead this year, rumour has it they are having a hard time finding designer talent. To early for a best of?

After the lowest ever ratings for a American Idol finale, Variety gives it critique of the season.

@laura_valerie informed me that Season One So You Think You Can Dance Australia contestant Henry Byalikov has auditioned for the US version is is through to Las Vegas.

Project Runway host Heidi Klum and her husband Seal will be starring in a new show on Lifetime where they counsel other couples about their problems. (Source: Huffington Post). I think I will be avoiding that show.

Latest Masterchef Australia contestant to be eliminated Fiona Inglis has found a job in a school working with Stephanie Alexander’s Kitchen Garden Project. (Source: Herald Sun)

This year’s American Idol runner up Crystal Bowersox (Lee DeWyze ended up winning it), has broken up with her boyfriend Big Tony.

According to the New York Post, the singer broke up with him last Tuesday morning right before her finale performance.

The article said:

“Big Tony went home,” Bowersox told Ryan Seacrest during his morning radio show. “it was a mutual thing. We’re both logical adults.”

“He’s a small-town guy – that’s fine. I’m a small-town girl, but I want this more than anything.

“I want this career, this lifestyle,” she said. “and I didn’t think he was up for it.

“And he didn’t think he was up for it.”

She went on to say that she was “a little sad he did it on performance day,” but that she used the emotion during her performance of Patty Griffin’s “Up To The Mountain.”

Still Bowersox said that she’s “the happiest girl in the world right now.”

Also according to MSJ Big Blog Crystal is yet to sign a record contract, but there are company’s interested.

Get your pens and paper ready, kids, because the Masterclass is about to kick off and you’ll kick yourselves if you miss out on how to make mud pies (and how to effect an appropriate wine match).  Who knows when you’ll be called on to enlighten others as to which is the best egg to suck, and the best way in which to suck it? And if these questions aren’t answered, no doubt others will be.  It’s not Lost, after all.

Paul’s odds on the Masterchef Australia market generated a lot of comment last week, here is the market for this week. Joanne is looking shaky, and Marion is still the favourite.

$3.00 : Marion
$6.00 : Skye
$10.00 : Peter
$11.00 : Matthew
$13.00 : Jonathan
$17.00 : Adam
$22.00 : Jimmy
$24.00 : Alvin & Callum
$34.00 : Aaron
$67.00 : Jake
$101.00 : Joanne & Sharnee

Gary reminds the blue team that they lost at The Press Club, which is probably just as well, since last night George seemed intent on telling them that they were all winners. Jimmy decides it was the food that let them down, which is lucky for him, since he was on the floor. Of course, they’re all equals, now, in the elimination. The team is sent out into the fresh air to clear their heads.

Marion leads the red team off towards their lunch, while Claire and Jake get into their chopper. They rejoin the team for a wine-food matching tutorial, which is something the blues are going to have to learn through trial and – most probably – error. Alvin is today’s designated “our joy is tempered by thoughts of the blues” line today.

Back in the cellar, the blues are confronted by a mystery box and Joanne feels unprepared. They have “an array of fantastic local Yarra Valley produce”. Red onions, baby radishes and zucchini flowers are some of the things Jonathan notes. Gary gives them the “sting in the tail”: they have to make a bew-ti-ful dish and match it to a zesty sparkling wine. I’d like to see a whole raft of them eliminated for failing the “bew-ti-ful” requirement.

Cooking – 30 minutes

Fiona would like to do something sweet, but doesn’t see enough in the box to achieve this, so chooses the steak instead. Aaron is trying to make pasta. Good on him, if he can make a decent pasta in the time.  I doubt that even Lindelof and Cuse have a plot device that would make this work.  Jimmy is doing a simple fish, but Matthew is being a bit more ambitious with a lasagne with ceviche of the fish. Joanne’s doing a tartare, which the Gs think is courageous. Matthew is not exaggerating when he says that his pasta dough is a disaster. He interviews that you need to rest a dough, so if he knows this, why did he choose to make it? He becomes the latest victim of the fireball.

Joanne is smearing her tartare over the plate and she seems to have made a paste, rather than chopping it. I’m a bit suspicious of her garnishes. Matthew has managed to pull together something like a pasta – an unsealed ravioli, by the looks of things. Joanne is convinced that she’s done enough to impress the judges.  As for the others? What others…

Tasting

I hope that George saying “we would like to taste…” doesn’t mean that they’re not going to taste them all. There are only seven of them, aren’t there?

• Jimmy’s pan fried trout: Gary notes that the trout is dry and the wine is needed to get it down.
• Fiona’s steak: It’s a lot of meal and she starts to weep when George asks if she’s out of her depth. He tells her she’s one of the country’s top 15 cooks and if I was typing this on my old PC it would be out the window by now. The verdict is that the beef and the wine don’t work, but the accompaniments would have been good.
• Joanne’s steak tartare: Gary’s face says some ugly things, but I fear he’s using the fireball to do a Ryan Seacrest level fakeout. I hope not.  Back from the ads, we rejoin Gary as he completes his statement: “I’m afraid to say… that’s beautiful”. Looks like she’ll be going through! Fiona looks a bit pissed off that cooking the beef took the dish away from a match.
• Matthew’s open trout lasagne: Gary knocks on the plate with the pasta. Not a good look. In fact, Gary says the pasta is terrible, but he likes the combination of the fish, tomatoes and roe.

Okay, so they have tasted all the dishes. Thanks for telling us, Gary.

Bottom three

Jimmy, Matthew and Fiona. The only surprise there is that it took so long to make the announcement.

In case they didn’t know why they were there, Gary reminds them that they were the least impressive in the challenge. A Vangelis impersonator is busy behind the scenes, but fortunately is taken by a fireball.

Fiona is going home. But first she has to talk about the journey ahead. She would like to get involved in the Kitchen Garden program, which is a noble goal and one she would be well placed achieving as a teacher. Unfortunately George has to take it into fantasy land by predicting she could be the next Stephanie Alexander.

She’s going to miss Jono, so obviously she’s forgiven him for leaving her on the shelf a couple of weeks ago.

Adam’s sad that Fiona’s not there, but has high hopes for her future. And with that, our wannabes are on the plane back to Sydney.

Other thoughts

• We have a Stephanie Alexander – why would we need another one?
• Did the wine matching play a big enough part in the decision making today?
• I wonder if any of the dishes we didn’t see were bew-ti-ful, or were they just adequate?

We’re at the Langham, where Skye and Alvin are wheeling a trolley of champagne into the Presidential Suite. Marion interviews that her win is still a bit surreal – possibly because she still doesn’t quite know what it means. Gary and George crash the party, not to offer canapes, but to summon them to the ballroom.

Aaron interviews that he’s knackered and Marion indicates that they all just want to go to bed. Matt tells them that the day is not finished, as tomorrow (which is not today, right?) is a team challenge. It’s all “one of the city’s most prestigious” this and “most talented” that. George announces that the restaurant is The Press Club, and looks a little embarrassed by the hyperbole. Gary tells us that this is a very important occasion, which raises the old “why put it in the hands of rank amatas then, you turkey?” question. It is said every week, but this is apparently the toughest challenge to date.

George tells the group that he trusts them and believes in them. Fine, but surely he has a professional brigade back there who would do this better. Alvin seems to take it all seriously, though, so the mojo is working.

For the winners? Lunch at Domaine Chandon. For the losers? “Dire consequences”, one of which is letting George down. Hrmph.

Marion is called forward and is looking forward to finding out what her super duper reward is. It is… working as George’s right hand, so it means she’s able to wear George’s apron. The others seem awed. More impressive is the fact that she won’t be up for elimination and STILL has this mysterious immunity.

Captains: Claire for the reds and Jimmy for the blues.

Teams:
Red: Peter, Adam, Skye, Sharnee, Alvin, Jake
Blue: Matthew, Callum, Jonathan, Fiona, Joanne, Aaron

As Aaron and Jake wait to find out which one is tonight’s biggest loser, Aaron interviews that it clearly shows what the others think of him. Jake seems bemused, as he thought they liked him. I hate this part of the show. To make it worse for Aaron, he is left on the shelf, again, and reveals that it’s his 11th anniversary and he was already feeling a bit sad. Now he’s also blue.

“It’s not about red and blue team. It’s about one team” says George, nonsensically.

Yesterday, Marion had to walk to Mo Vida. Today? They get vans to take them a block east of that where George introduces front-of-house manager Angie and the head chef, Joe.

The food

Four courses

• First: Oysters with taramosalata, chips and olive oil cous cous
• Second: Smoked yoghurt soup with chicken oysters, cucumber and loukimi
• Third: Roast lamb with miso moussaka and candied feta
• Dessert: Aphrodite rose dessert with white chocolate and berries with a rose and soil perfume

Our contestants tuck in. Skye finds the dessert “decadent, refined and the yummiest” she’s ever had.

Prep

Claire has put Alvin, Peter and Sharnee in front of house, Jake on the oysters (yes, he fishes, but he is accident prone!), she’s taking on the second course, Adam’s on main and Skye’s on dessert.

Jimmy has decided that he should be out on the floor with Joanne and Fiona, which seems an odd choice. Aaron’s on first course, Jonathan’s on main, Matt’s on dessert and Callum is doing the chicken oysters.

Claire interviews that it’s hard to “compete” with somebody she’s used to working with. She does know that this whole thing is a competition, right? Callum discovers that there’s no white pepper so George sends him to the shop. Seriously.

Jimmy has chosen Fiona and Joanne as eye candy. Angie’s keeping an eagle eye on them as they set up the tables.

Callum returns to the kitchen with his white pepper, which is rejected by the chef. George tells him it’s “like sawdust”. Well, stock your bloody kitchen better if you don’t want IGA groceries, then, you duffer!

In the front of house team for the reds, Peter is saying that he is the “sommelier” for his team. He cops to not having a very good understanding of wine, so why on earth are they putting him up as “sommelier”? This kind of thing is truly moronic.

Callum tastes his yoghurt and realises it’s too smoky. The chefs confirm it, and he’s told to start again. Instead of doing that, he thinks he can effect a workable hack. Given that we’ve seen George screaming at him in previews, I think we all know how well that’s going to end. He gets Paul to try the “improved” yoghurt and he’s told he really needs to start again. Unfortunately he is now out of cucumber juice and low on cucumbers. Back to the supermarket.

Jake is struggling with the oysters, and Callum is now out of yoghurt. Jimmy’s advice to “crack on” is probably not all that helpful. Will the IGA have George’s special yoghurt? Skye reports that Claire is on top of everything, so she feels confident that the reds are travelling well. For the blue team, Matthew has split his cream, so needs to start his dessert again. Jimmy jumps in to help the eye-candy finalise set up.

Briefing

And the first time we’ve seen Marion. George reiterates all the “we’re going to nail it” stuff, blah blah blah and then the team captains rev their teams. Matt is checking crockery and stemware for blemishes. When will this end?

Fireball, and the somewhat unwelcome realisation that this is a 90 minute episode. RSI.

Guests arrive. Is Luke Mangan chewing gum? Matt makes a big speech and I feel my energy draining.  Finally, he shuts up and the floor staff can work their magic.

George is getting antsy about the fact that no orders are coming. The waiters appear to be schmoozing, rather than getting the dockets in.

“I’m a bit worried about Aaron because he’s shucking oysters and he’s got a lotta shucking to do!” Joanne’s concern seems less than heartfelt.

Jake starts shucking when the red orders start coming in. Adam is impressed.  George is screaming for service and the reds seem to be a bit confused. Donna would like to complain, but she doesn’t want to stress George. The directors are complaining, though, as they have no wine, water or bread. Well done, red.

Claire and Callum are working together – she acknowdges that he’s had a horror day. It’s not over yet, as George is blowing a gasket out there. There needs to be a “best actor in a reality show” award next year – this is scenery chewing the likes of which I haven’t seen in a very long while. Makes Al Pacino’s turn in “Scent of a Woman” look restrained. This is starting to feel increasingly pointless – I’m assuming all the screaming is meant to indicate tension, but as it’s a completely manufactured scenario I have absolutely no investment in how it works out. Plus the customers look smug.

George is asking for the food to come quicker, but will bollock whoever gives him food that isn’t prepared properly. Meanwhile Marion is popping garnishes on dishes and Claire and Jake are out in front serving customers. And I am a little bit in love with the self-deprecating Jake: “I’m a good looking bloke, so I think George wanted me out there”.

Mid-game assessment

Jono’s lamb is lovely and Claire’s soup is bew-ti-ful.

Claire decides to switch up her service team and puts Sharnee in charge. Peter suddenly finds his schtick with the wines and it just makes me think that I will have trouble trusting a “sommelier” now, given how easily he blags it. Alvin believes that nobody can get angry with a waiter who brings dessert. He is a showman – I’d be happy with that kind of service.

Gary interrupts proceedings to explain to the guests what their judging role is. Are they really being “serviced” by either the red or blue team?

Scoring

I hope the team who loses didn’t do so because Lynne Scully gave them a bad score! There are some impressive chefs there, but Neighbours alumni? And The Circle? Oh, Ten, you are shameless.

Bonding

There are group hugs and George gives a speech about how they were all amazing “and all won tonight, for me”.

Domaine Chandon

I thought this was only for the winning team, but clearly I zoned out when Matt was gravelling that part of the challenge. Oh, I see, they all have to go out to the cellar, and only one team emerges for lunch? Harsh.

“Let’s recap the challenge last night,” says Gary. Oh, let’s not. Matt tells them they “saved George’s reputation” which makes it sound as though he was in need of rehab.

Matt recaps the prize and reveals that there’s an additional bonus for the winning captain. He or she will get a helicopter ride with a team-mate of their choice. So, tonights episode has Survivor elements in reward. Lame.

Results

They are in, but of course we have to have a chat about how the kitchen worked. Please, just give us the results!

Reds: Blah blah blah solid, blah blah, Jake good, blah blah dessert bew-ti-ful “like you” Skye. Sorry, I can’t blah anymore. I’ve just bleaghed.

Matt reports that the front-of-house team lacked cohesion and talks about how the directors were left high and dry. Adam backs Claire as captain and Skye is named Claire’s pick as team-member of the day.

Blues: Callum had a horror start and some of Aaron’s oysters were badly shucked. Disasterous (sic) says George of Callum. Main and dessert were fantastic. Enough to make up for the start?

Gary says that the front of house took a long time to get orders in, but they caught on to their roles as the evening progessed. Jimmy nominates Matthew as the best performer and Callum as the weakest link, which is not something Claire had to answer. Angie gave the blues the nod as the best FOH team, which should be worth something, but is not. Instead, Lynne Scully’s opinion gets to count.

Scores (finally)

Gary’s dragging it out and making pointless gestures. Claire looks sad.
And now happy! The reds win! And it’s all Callum’s fault! But Skye could knock off that head-jiggling American accented celebrating.

As Claire says “I couldn’t be happier” we cut to the saddest group of people in this little Masterchef world. George tries to make them feel better by telling them he’s proud of them, and then tells Callum “he’s a star”. George has a bit of a weakness for the young guys who screw up. Gary asks if Aaron’s okay, which is nice, but then he should probably back off since the guy is really isolated in this group.

And Claire asks Jake to take the helicopter ride.

This is all a bit fake really, isn’t it? Pick him last, and then give the big “quiet achiever” boost; make a big deal about losing meaning you’ll let George down, and then have George reassuring them that they didn’t let him down.

Tomorrow? I hope Joanne goes, I guess.