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Posts from — May 2015

Guest Post: Masterchef Australia – The Baking Challenge

Brain Dead Dave has done a great recap on the latest episode of Masterchef. A big thank you and over to BDD: 

It's an off site challenge tonight at Convent Bakery , a commercial bakery in Melbourne. We relive John's tilt at ammunity and the theme song fires up.

The contestants are woken at and we're treated to footage of them in bed attire. No problem for the dentist Matt with the early start,he's there with bells on while the younguns are slacking,he reckons. Just don't 
ask him to poach an egg at any time of the day,cos he can't.

The amatas are divided by "chance' into two groups~ it'd be a sin to call them "teams".

Ava is Captain of Blue with Billie, Rose, Ashleigh, Melita ,Stephen, Anna and Jacqui.

Sara is Captain of Red with Jessica,Matthew,John,Georgia,Reynold,Amy,
Kristina,Jessie and Jamie.

I've missed some names ~or some have been aliminated already but you get the picture. All apologies.The brief is to make a shitload of bread,pizza,pies and cakes. Feed the people,most money wins. Lose~ face the gourmet 
guillotine of alimination.

Dominic, boss cocky at the bakery cares for the joint's reputation for sourdough and many things but he must feel gutted when Gary asks the amatas whohas made bread before.

Hardly anyone in the group has. At this point, what is a viewer to watch? State Of Origin or State of Pandemonium. "We scoured the cooking schools" jabbered Jowl$y~ for people who've never cooked bread before. Amatas who haven't made bread before.These are extraordinary people indeed ,$hine.

Red decide to make 50 loaves. Wow. Amy has a tattoo on her arse the size of Texas. $hine don't mind getting a little behind in their 
work. Chicken and Bacon Pie and Reynold can make a flash choc/raspberry 
Swiss roll in his sleep.

Blue are pumped when Ava says to them "do one thing awesome" but Blue are soon bluing about the menu. Remember how too many cooks spoil the broth? What chance too many amatas who can't cook ?

Marco reminded us of the hare and the tortoise tale. The tortoise has got 
no fuckin' chance tonight,Marco.

Red get in front early and stay in front.There's a lot of sweating and wiping of brows all round. Oceans of unserved cusomers, some chanting to get their fill.

Gary tells the amatas at tools down that it's all about money in the till. ( Fingers in the till, too,Gazza)

Blue made $2,565
Red made $3,205

Nothing personal , it's just business. Donald Trump says this all the time.But this is Ma$terchef and someone's going home. Some sweaty ,crying 
bastard who can't cook.

The Thai Alimination looms large.I know one thing we won't see~ "Thai Hair Back"

May 28, 2015   307 Comments

Guest Post: House Rules – Brian Is A Douche Bag

Thank you Gidgit Von La Rue for your recaps on House Rules. Follow her on Twitter here. Over to Gidgit:

Back to 3rd day in Qld and demolishing is well under way in Danielle and Ben’s 70’s Swedish porn den.  Now being honest rather than destroying those retro tiles I know plenty of people that would want to buy them. Just saying…extra $$$! Ryan & Marlee have to do upstairs – upstairs being the key word there as they need STAIRS to get up and down from that level. Bah, who cares says Brian who decides to chop out the stairs like a pittbull dog with a toddlers arm while they are stuck up there. Doubting the show is going to let them starve to death up there, plus there are tradies up there and they all might start going cannibal so Tiana (who seems to have dropped the princess business…for now) brings them a ladder to get down. Awe.

Cassie’s having bathroom design issues and neither her or her other half Matt don’t not seem so great on deciding anything – but Cassie IS good at crying so there is that.  By now everyone is on board with Brian being a total ass-wipe douche bag . I’m really not sure if he’s purposely stirring people up or he is naturally a selfish asshole but he’s fun to hate!  Not sure if anyone noticed but later when Brian wants to put a sink in the art room he has a builder tell him it’s a no go. Yeah, THAT builder was stuck upstairs with Ryan and Marlee! Pay backs a bitch huh Brian!  Careful whose toes you tread on mate.

Marlee is off shopping and her priority is finding someone to wallpaper their ceiling. Seriously kids forget going to law school or University –  learn how to wallpaper! These people are booked through for months!? Hell I’M taking up wallpapering! Business is booming!  Cassie is also shopping at cool retro style antique store and they all end up at this place during the show so it’s the place to be!  It’s revealed they all have an off-site storage shed so makes sense where all the deliveries get stored before final day. Good to know.  It’s also obvious all the male contestants do have major tradie skills. I don’t see any Woody Allen types there not knowing how to even use a tape measure!? Ryan is installing the pink wall stuff (technical term) and lets HOPE they will also be installing an air conditioner!!  Marlee is bath shopping and has picked the one bath we are told Danielle hates – a claw foot bath. Yeah again, about that ‘what we DON’T want’ list would be helpful I think!

All the lads are out loading off the bags of cement aside from Brian who is an asshole.  He finally comes out after much pressure giving lip and he might want to remember him and his wife are the ones in the tent this week because of the god awful job they did last week!  Not sure why the women all are miffed about the boys not interested with design – it’s not like the guys are miffed about you girls not doing tradie stuff!!! Stop being such…such…girls! You would not WANT the guys doing the design – trust me.  Marlee finally strikes gold with someone to do the wallpaper on the dressing room ceiling and seriously kids – be an apprentice and do a trade! You will never be out of work.

Now Brian is being difficult with Steve’s area but we see a change in happy lovely Steve to ‘do not poke the angry dog’ Steve and good on him! You are not Brian’s bitch – his wife is.  Is it just me or does Brian come across as someone after a few too many beers would get into a physical bargie quite easily? So now lovable Steve, maybe the last person that didn’t hate Brian’s guts – hates Brian’s guts! Join the club.  I will say it is a really nice staircase douche bag is building.  Karina & Douche line up going to a professional art studio for inspiration and yeah – who needs google!? In comes Carolyn Burns McHobbit worried about the 70’s nook that Bronik and Corrine are keeping. She basically says ‘for fuck sake do something with it otherwise it’s bloody horrible’ but in a lot nicer way.  Day 3 is over and off trott Karina & Douche to art studio and get a surprise there is a naked lady being drawn (set up) and Douche acts like he’s never seen a naked woman before. Grow up.  Also a professional art studio will just be a big space, not really as ‘designed’ as what a home art studio would be. Trust me.  It was funny – Karina and Douche looked like two prudes who just walked into a swingers party. I know we had that face when we….I mean, yes it would be a shock huh.  It’s day 4 and Ryan & Marlee can finally see the space they have to work with after cutting out the top of the new stairs (which again are really nice).  I notice everyone constantly looks wet and it’s either due to sweat or every second shot it’s raining – or both!?

Isn’t building Danielle and Ben a gas fire place in Brisbane a bit like us putting in a pool up here in Blackheath – fucking pointless? Ah well looks pretty I guess. I like Bronik and Corrine’s choice of doorway and very much preppy retro looking. Marlee picks a lovely set of lights for entering the dressing room and everyone is pleasing me with choices…so far (twirls non existent moustache).  Brian and Karina are all pumped about a sink in the art studio but now here comes that builder – you know that builder you stranded upstairs by ripping down the stair case Brian! You go Bryce the builder! Sink DENIED. I do feel for Danielle though. She’s the one missing out really, not Brian. Back to the good old antique centre and Corrine picks some really nice items especially the cabinet with old store ladies wear words on it. Tick!  Bronik now has a decision to make with the LOVELY old door that has seen a few battles – but they gave it to you Bronik for a reason. They love it. Do NOT sand it for god sake.  Just pick up from the colour of it when doing your laundry!

Cassie the sook is off wood shopping and I’d want to be on this show just to go shopping with someone elses money – even if it’s not for me! Cassie is going for a leather couch…in Brisbane. I see sweaty arses losing skin getting off that thing on a humid day. Maybe I’m wrong – maybe leather is great in hot humid places? I really next season would love to see a gay or lesbian couple on the show – take care of that producers. And Brook does not count!  In rolls the storm again but doesn’t stop the kitchen cabinets from being installed, it does stop painting anything outside. We put in all new skirting board, painted them before hand – pointless! Had to repaint once they were installed. Just saying, go with painting them once up Cassie. Either that or have another cry. Up to you.

Tiana and dad Steve have a nice ‘win’ over Brian & Karina with the size of their butlers pantry being really big & eating into Brian & Karina’s kitchen! Bwahahaha!  Day over & Ryan and Marlee throw a get together, few drinks, kick back and Ryan is not just hot with beautiful skin – he’s a funny guy. Nice way to end the day, take the pressure off – and bring on hell tomo…I mean Thursday! Bloody football.  I’m off to watch RuPaul’s Drag Race…cio kiddies.

May 27, 2015   11 Comments

Guest Post: House Rules – Time To Reno Danielle and Ben’s QLD House

Gidgit Von La Rue is keeping this blog going at the moment with her House Rules posts. Over to Gidgit:

So before Sharknado hits Brisbane (oh if only) we get to see Danielle and Ben’s home. It previously was built by the owner and it’s a mish mash of rooms and wood panels. The outside of it is even worse – but that comes later once the first team are booted (crossing every finger it’s Brian and Karine) Joh rocks in to say ‘yep this is the place you lot are doing – get to it’ and the house rules are revealed! To me there should be house rules – two lists – what TO do, and what to NEVER do in a million years! Not only that the shows steps things up with letting Danielle and Ben pick an ‘inspirational item’ for each room and I like this. Reno Rumble do it and I think helps lead the renovators on what style to take things – well that and google images.

Boofhead Brian and Karina are in the tent this week and kinda pissed they did not show us them suffering in it on the night of the storm! Carolyn Burns McTwitter told me they did indeed stay in the tent – but pics or it didn’t happen.  Danielle and Ben have a mortgage over $400,000 and WHAT? And you bought that?? Jesus christ. Danielle is an artist and wants an art studio which is not that hard to achieve with so many rooms! Her style (because it’s not his, lets face it) is eclectic hip funky retro preppy etc etc.  God the outside of the house is hideous!  Matt is scared what they are going to find and turns out it’s the entire bug population of the Amazon jungle is living in the walls. I’ll get to that later. Ben admits they bought the worst house on the best street but dude – it’s Brisbane!  (kidding Queenslanders) Oh ok the reward for winning last week is buying the inspirational items. I missed that.

Off trot Ben and Danielle and the teams check out their 70’s Swedish porn house. It’s not like any ski chalet I’ve stayed in and a log cabin house has LOGS – so Swedish porn it is! For the first time (in my shady terrible memory) it’s a two story home and upstairs is like a Swedish sauna. God I watched WAY too much Eurovision this past weekend. Matt picks up straight away they have termites and bingo – give that man a point.  Why don’t they record this show in winter? Do everyone a favour! Corrine and Bronik discover Danielle is an artist and to be honest I preferred her pop wall art over her scenic art.  The house is huge so it’s going to be a big week and no doubt Brian acting like a prick.  Bronik and Corrine get entry, laundry and guest bedroom. Master bedroom, butler entry, halls and back entrance – Steve & Tiana, living room and bathroom for Cassie and Matt, kitchen, stairs and art studio for Brian and Karina and finally Ryan and Marlee get upstairs, ensuite, dressing room and downstairs dining room!

Tip – ALL the teams cannot stand Brian and Karina and join the club! So house rules time (I promise). The rules are as follows:

  1. Style our house preppy eclectic (don’t worry I had too google image it as well)
  2. Deliver us a mix of old and new one off pieces
  3. Make out entry quiet but showy
  4. Retain a hint of ski chalet in the living room
  5. Give us (in other words Danielle) a dressing room to die for

They may have also wanted to say they both HATE HATE HATE red!

So time to tag the keep items and Brian being the generous person he is tags ALL Danielle’s art so no other team can use it. What a doll. Cassie the crier and Matt are off to Masters to pick bathroom stuff. Day 2 and bring on the dramas. Time for teams to see their ‘gifts’ from Danielle…and Ben.  I like all of the things Danielle picked and she obviously loves the artist Frida Kahlo! ‘House space’ fight time! This is always not fun. Everyone wants as much space as possible and with Brian in the mix it all gets messy.  Already ‘stair-gate’ begins because the original stairs were not up to code and it messes up Ryan and Karlee’s floor plan! To be honest not sure why an ensuite is being put upstairs? Bit of a confusing design.  Tip Marlee and all women – men listen to strangers over us! It’s part of their weird make-up. Tiana manages to ‘wrangle’ Ryan re the dressing room and Steve and Tiana also have to work with Brian and Karina and god help them!

Haha – Ben and Danielle are sent to a wooden holiday house like their own house – nice one producers!  Demo time and demo is fun – get into Tiana you princess. Your dad works his ass off.  Turns out the removing of walls etc lead to bug central!  Tiana “bugs, they crawl’ – yep, they are not performing Swan Lake honey! It’s boiling hot, bugs everywhere – and THAT is why I live in the beautiful cold freezing Blue Mountains!  Why is there just ONE master copy of the plans? Oh that’s right – to cause drama.  He’s got bored talking to Ryan so goes to Steve to say a microwave needs to go somewhere – ummm, it does not have to be ON the counter! Mine is underneath next to my kitchen draws! Lovely – tucked away!  Brian and Karina go shopping for the kitchen and bee-line in on a retro looking red and black stove – cross to Danielle & Ben saying they HATE red – especially red with black! Bam!  Go for deep green in the retro stove. Oh actually it’s Brian and Karina – yeah go with red.

In rocks Carolyn Burns McSafetyHat to help out the teams and she really does have good ideas – hell, she’s a professional designer! STORM WARNING! Site is shut down, it’s all going to be like the movie Twister – run for your lives! Oh, all good -a bit of wind, heavy rain and some hail. We get that every second day up here! But turns out storm = SHOPPING! Woot!  Tiles first and I’d be in heaven! Oh and Preppy eclectic does not mean every bright colour in the world! Ryan & Marlee are off to do some dining room shopping and yet another awesome shop!  Show more shopping show so I can live through you!  Day four, the storm is now sunshine and demo continues. Hey remember that made rush you all have last day – maybe start doing that NOW!

Brian makes some lame ass kind of ‘peace offering’ to Marlee by giving her a copy of the stair plans and wow – so big of you – dickhead. Cassie is freaking out…AGAIN! This girl really does not handle pressure or decisions very well at all. She’s always a mess!  Brian and Karina have smudged soot over their faces ala Tim & Anastasia style ‘look, we are working’. Carolyn Burns McIdeas rocks in to give advice about the art studio they have to do! It needs a sink!  Bronik & Corrine are off shopping at an AWESOME antique store.  Bronik is finding pretty naff stuff while Corrine is rocking in a 70’s sex chair! Next up is Brian being Brian and rather than working on their OTHER areas – starts cutting down the stairs with Marlee, Ryan, trades and camera crew stuck upstairs now needing to them to all abseil down the outside of the house to get down? Karina did try to stop him in the most meek pathetic way rather than stepping in, slapping him and screaming ‘put that fucking jig saw down or you’ll be sleeping on the road capish?’ I kind of think she has no problem with how he behaves! Eh, water finds it’s own level.

Great thing is Brian asks Bronik for more space…guess what…SHUT DOWN BRIAN! As Bronik wisely says “if they were nice people who help out – I would have given it to him – he’s not!” Good for you Bronik.  Join now the Bronik Fan Club by applying underneath this review. Just type ‘Member of Bronik fan Club’ and lets show him some support for standing up to dick head Brian.

See you tomorrow night folks! Don’t forget the wonderful River Cottage Australia on Foxtel Lifestyle Tuesday night – new season. And do not miss The Hotel Inspector if you have Foxtel. Alex Polizzi is my other girl crush other than Danielle!

May 26, 2015   23 Comments

Guest Post House Rules – Steve and Tiana’s House Reveal

Thank you Ms Gidgit Von La Rue for another sterling recap. Over to you:

Recap of the week of teams working in Western Sydney and girls crying, Brian being a delusional asshole and everyone running around like chooks without heads.  Maybe a bit of ‘panic’ at the beginning of the renovation rather than last 2 hours of the renovation might have helped complete areas properly? Now Tiana is newly engaged/or married – so does not live in the family home anymore. Steve lives there with his new partner, 23 year old son Andrew and 5 yr old son Rory.

Brian & Karina have Steve & his partners bedroom and are truly making a right mess of it. It’s unfinished and what they have done sucks balls. They really did not have that much to do really compared to other teams. The single toilet they did was too small (even though designer Carolyn Burns McNecklace warned them it was too small) & they didn’t have to do much in there as professional tiler and plumber would have done all the work! So really all they had to do was the home owners bedroom and they fudged that up big time.

In comes Joh Griggs looking very retro glamorous and is kind of stunned at the amount of work they all need to complete and I don’t blame her. Cassie and Matt are doing Rory’s superhero bedroom and any 5 yr old would love it! Ok maybe not a girl. Ryan is getting the shits with Marlee for being out all day so Marlee cries. God these girls cry a lot. Man up…well woman up.  Love it or hate it, Bronik and Corrine’s bathroom art splatter painting is certainly…red! Turns out the art was more important than towel racks in a bathroom! Woopsie.

Danielle is obsessed with bloody LED lights and glad she just used them in Andrews bedroom and not all over their other area which is the lounge room.  Carolyn Burns McShocked is, well, shocked at Brian & Karina’s unfinished horrible main bedroom.  Brian is beyond stubborn as usual and his wife isn’t much better. So some teams get finished, others don’t and it’s back to House Rules headquarters for the judges Wendy and Joe to wipe their designer eyes over the Sydney renovation. I’m expecting a lot of ‘well it’s just not finished’ being said A LOT and it is. Now remember they all had SEVEN days to do this. And not just on their own, they have the use to trades. I know it’s hard but really no excuse. Each team is not doing the entire house! (I can hear some of you saying “Oh I bet you couldn’t do any better” – agreed! That’s why I do not apply for these shows!!! I’m not nuts!)

First areas judged are Ryan and Marlee’s and Ryan has made Marlee cry about three times this week so still less crying than Cassie! They have the kitchen, the hall and the entry. The kitchen is huge, lots of storage and the judges find it hard to fault. They DO find fault with the hallway and entry which are unfinished (drink).  Oh and Bally poster/artwork in a renovation show (drink).  Up next is Bronik and Corrine’s areas of the main bathroom and dining room. They took a big risk with their artwork ‘shot in the head’ painting for the bathroom but the judges love it. Wendy loves the square table because it’s like a round table as there is no ‘head’ of the table. Ah not too many people do have those long ass tables you see in historic grand homes with Posh Dosh sitting at the head being served on by a servant – as far as I know. They love the bathroom and miss a few issues including no towel rack! Guess they had rose coloured glasses on due to that Aunt Flo painting?

Cassie and Matt have the laundry and 5 yr old’s bedroom and DRINK – ‘unfinished laundry’! I do also think all the teams took the whole ‘red, black and white’ WAY to literally! Rory’s superhero bedroom is cool and I disagree with their comments about the bunk bed. Bet Rory will have buddies staying over plus I doubt a 5 yr old is going to say ‘hmmm, just too cluttered with AWESOME SUPERHERO STUFF!’ Asshat Brian and Karina are next with their tiny weeny toilet with stupid light/clock monstrosity and horrible unfinished main bedroom. As someone said on twitter, I don’t feel sorry for Brian & Karina – it’s lovely Steve & his partner who have to sleep in there. I feel for them!  The main bedroom is not just VERY unfinished but it’s badly designed with no taste or class. It’s bloody horrible. It’s really like Brian and Karina just phoned this week in – on their delusional no taste phone. Danielle and Ben have nailed Andrews bedroom and not just that pretty sure Danielle has not cried yet so you go girl! She’s a hard worker too so I’ll forgive she does not like shopping (weirdo). They have also nailed the lounge room with huge black leather lounge big enough for everyone in the family to sit on and what happened to Steve’s aquarium? Poor fish gone to – well, sleep with the fishes?

Time for judges scores and god damn Brian is completely delusional. Beautiful Joh welcomes the judges and the scores are: Team Tassie, Cassie & Matt = 13, Team SA, Ryan & Marlee = 12, Team QLD, Ben & Danielle = 13 (bit harsh). Team Vic next, Corrine and Bronik = 15 and finally Team WA, Boofhead & wench (sorry I mean Brian and Karina) = tent city (7). Hahaha. Now to watch Steve & his family check out their newly renovated house! This should be good.  God Steve is a lovely man. I’m so glad he’s found  a new partner. (Bet her and Tiana don’t get on!)  Rory is STOKED with his superhero room of course. “Dad, this is the best room ever” Take THAT judges!  They HATE Brian’s stupid clock/light tacky crap – can’t blame them.  Then Steve finds his bedroom and is appalled! Poor guy’s partner said “I want the old room back” OUCH!  23 yr old Andrew LOVES his room so the only people in the family that got the shit room was poor Steve & his partner. They do love the new bathroom but no towel rack, Tiana HATES the art & Steve would have preferred the outcut thing with a mirror in the shower, not the bath (guessing so he can shave).  Steve is SO appreciative and it’s touching. Ok – now score time from Steve & Tiana!  Ryan & Marlee get 7, Cassie & Matt get 7, Bronik & Corrine receive a 6 (they didn’t love the bathroom as much as the judges it turns out!) Brian & Karina now & a well deserved 3 (be funnier if it was a minus 2!) and now Ben & Danielle who lets face it pretty much the only couple that finished their areas – so they get a 9! Woot!

Leaders are Ben & Danielle and bottom are Karina & Brian – welcome to tent city! This week is Ben & Danielle’s house in Qld in the worst weather ever and again – welcome to tent city Brian & Karina! See you tomorrow night folks! Also congrates to Guy Sebastian coming fifth at Eurovision! Great performance.

May 25, 2015   22 Comments

Where Are They Now Series – Hotdog From Big Brother

Thanks to Pablo Newton-Farley and his weekly series of interviews with reality TV contestants we get to find where they are up to. And you can hear him on mornings on Spirit Radio in the Pilbara region of WA.

May 23, 2015   11 Comments