for those who have reality tv as their guilty pleasure
Reality Ravings | Australia's leading Reality TV blog!

Category — The Hot Plate

Guest Post: The Hot Plate – So The Restaurants Get A Renovation

Now I think we can all agree that Auntie Rosie did herself a wee bit too much swearing in the recap of last night’s show. Okay, way too much swearing. But here’s the deal: tonight there will be NO SWEARING at all. None. I swear. Bother, I just swore, although that sort of swearing should be okay, shouldn’t it? I’m confused. On with the show!

Tonight we are at Aron and Vanessa’s. They have 72 hours to renovate the restaurant. Tom says there were a few things that looked a bit tattered. Scott thinks the light coloured seats were a mistake.

So we see Aron and Vanessa talking about paint and wallpaper – yeah that’s great and all, but I don’t watch reno shows for a reason. I find them boring. Isn’t this supposed to be a bloody cooking show? Get on with the fucking cooking! Oops, that didn’t last long. Slaps self – hard. Sigh.

Scott says the first time they came to Aron and Vanessa’s restaurant, they gave them fairly beige food. He visits them with the food for Round 2.

For entreé he expects a sophisticated version of the classic Aussie meat pie, but made with chicken.

For the main course, surf and turf, using bugs and fillet.

And for dessert, they will need to jazz up the lamington.

Aron immediately decides to makes single chicken pies with Asian flavours, and his main will be Italian style. He will deconstruct the lamington making a chocolate panna cotta, a coconut sorbet, a sponge and some strawberry jam.

They have 90 minutes to prepare the meal.

Vanessa says she’s gotta change her stress to productive excitement. She asks Aron should she leave the hairy bits on the spring onions, making me giggle insanely.

Aron has some sort of cramp. Who the fuck cares. Now that’s not worthy of a slap, is it? I ask the world and the world says no. Thank you, world.

Christina says Aron’s a threat. Yeah, everyone a threat to you, bitch.

Scott says he has grown up on lamingtons and they are iconic.

Aron is making little pies that he admits look like boobs.

The judges arrive.  They think the place now looks fantastic. The soul of the old restaurant is here but it’s more modern and more contemporary. They note that the leopard skin barstool covers have gone. They joke about where the leopard skin has gone to. Cue shot of Christina and Tania walking along the footpath, with Tania wearing a lowcut animal print top. Christina says the makeover is to her palate. I do not vomit. Feel free to applaud.

Aron is worried that he put raw chicken into the pie, so cuts one open a few minutes before they are ready. It is only a wee bit pink so he puts them back in the oven until full time.

The chicken and shiitake pies are served with tamarind sauce.

Lauren is used to pies. But with tomato sauce.

Christina says Aron looks worried. She sounds pretty happy to say so.

Nola says it’s a dry pie. So put some sauce on it, ya berk.

Philippe says it looks like a small boob.

Christina, being another ten year old also mentions the small boob, but does say her palate liked it. Her palate likes small boobs?

Emi liked it. Lauren says that pie is not a pretty enough word.

Scott says the pastry is perfectly cooked and the tamarind sauce is packed full of flavour. Tom says you nailed the three “Ts”: taste, technique and something else that starts with T that escapes my imperfect memory.

They cook, cook, cook the mains.

Nola expects more than just steak and a bug on the plate.

Oh, he’s overcooking some of the steak for Nola. He’s covering it in gravy. That’s actually nice of him.

It does all look a bit boring though. Just steak, bug and polenta with some jus poured around the side, or over the steak if you are Nola. I suppose the polenta makes it Italian? Hmm.

Emi is not sure ½ bug is enough.

Pascal says it’s very safe.

Tom tells them they were instructed to take it up a notch. The steak was good but what was the jus doing on the plate? The garlic butter went well with the bug, but the jus overpowered it all. It was a bit of a come down. Scott asks where was the wow factor. He expected perfect steak and they did that. But he tells them this shows a chink in their armour and the table agreed.

Philippe tells the table he has never had a lamington in his life. Much surprise.

Christina isn’t into deconstructive…deconstrict… deconst… she can’t even say it. Idiot.

Vanessa doesn’t even know if the panna cottas will be set. If they are not, she will be going home. Sorry, thought I was back on Masterchef for a minute there. No, she says they will be fucked, I mean rooted, I mean screwed. Oh dear. Smacked meself again, on the other side of the poor old face. Maybe the smacking is good for the circulation and will do something about these pesky wrinkles that I am pretending don’t exist? And of course they are fine. (The panna cottas, not my wrinkles.) As Aron says, they liked the tits for their entreé, so he hopes they’ll like ’em for their dessert too. He makes the sponges in the microwave.

They serve the dessert.

Christina says it’s a big mess  all over the plate. She gets it, but she was hoping for more of a lamington. Oh fuck off. No smacks for that.

Tania thinks the idea was amazing. And it’s not often Tania gets to have an opinion of her own.

Philippe says his first lamington experience was amazing.

Tom says it looked attractive, but he could have done without the smear. If you can’t eat it, don’t put it on the plate. The panna cotta is great. He wanted more sponge, but the jam is great and the whole thing was full of wit and imagination. Scott says that when he found out the lamington would be deconstructed, alarm bells began to ring. But he would come back to Rocksalt again and again for this.

Time to score. There will be no secret scoring. Their scores will be given direct to the host team. Ha ha ha ha. It should be ever thus. The teams will each score out of 10, and the judges out of 30.

Philippe and Pascal – 7/10

Emi and Marie – 7/10

Christina and Tania – 7/10

Lauren and Nola – 9/10

Total – 30/40

Tom – 24/30

Scott – 23/30

Grand total – 77/100

Aron thinks they have a 100% chance of winning this. Can my eyes roll any further around?

Lauren and Nola are next.

I’d apologize for breaking my word on the swearing, but I’m just not sorry. 😆


August 12, 2015   421 Comments

Guest Post: The Hot Plate – Is The Show Rigged?

Rosie is on fire with The Hot Plate – and she is not happy with last nights outcome. Over to Rosie:

So it’s Plate versus Plate and State versus State! Well, except for tonight, when it’s WA against WA. Sigh. We lose either the hideous but highly entertaining Christina and her massively mammaried daughter, Tania, or the charmingly bitchy gay couple, Liam and Conrad. Neither chef coped too well in their own (alleged) kitchen, so how they’ll cope in a strange kitchen (of one of Scott’s restaurants) should provide entertainment of the highest water.

Trouble is, my palate and I have really had enough of Christina, her palate and Tania. So I shall come out right now and declare my allegiance lies with the boys. I have even gone so far as to pray they be touched by the noodly appendages of the FSM. And I don’t do that for everyone.

Oh Christ, could Tania’s skirt be any shorter? At least it will shortly (see what I did there 😉 ) be covered by an apron. When asked if he’s nervous, Liam says he has pterodactyls, not butterflies in his tummy. Guillaume Brahimi will be a guest judge tonight. He will be looking for great Italian traditional cuisine as well as Asian fusion.

They have three hours to make three dishes, and each dish must feature at least one from finger limes, kingfish or chillies.

Liam and Conrad’s entreé will be seared scallops with chilli jam. Christina and Tania are making kingfish carpaccio with limes for their entreé.

The other guests arrive. Someone says come on girls. Do they mean all four of them ;)?

Christina’s word of the day today seems to be “honey” spoken or yelled at Tania. At least it makes a change from “palate”, I suppose.

Liam is making a lime posset for dessert. Last time I attempted a posset it didn’t set. I wish him more luck. Oops, he fucks it up. Or is it the curd he fucks up? Oh dear.

Fuck, we see Christina crying, does that mean the fucking producers are fucking with us and she’ll be safe? I hope the fuck not. Sorry about all the fucking bad fucking language, gice. Okay, Rosie, clean up your language, stat! Yes’m, I’ll try. *whimpers a little* *realises self is very near to cracking up* *gives self a severe talking to* *takes deep breath* Okay, I’m feeling a bit better now.

Tania is making a lime cake with passionfruit syrup and mascarpone. Christina says she brought her nana’s spatula to add not luck, but a bit of love to the dish. So she uses it to give the mixture an extra stir.

Christina and Tania serve their carpaccio with chilli, capers and finger lime to the judges, and Christina tells them it’s been cooked with love. I swallow down the vomit. Ick.

Guillaume is impressed with the dish. After their dish at Christina’s. this is in the next stratosphere says one of the other judges.

Nola actually enjoys the kingfish carpaccio to her own amazement. I’m really impressed she tried it. She says it’s going on their menu.

Conrad admits his chilli jam is chilli slop. He keeps fretting over it, wasting precious time until it’s too late to cook some of the scallops. Sigh. Two plates have no scallops at all, and one has only two instead of three.

Aron and Vanessa get none, so they share with the others at the table, and Emi and Marie got ½ each. Liam, to his credit, says it is a crime against food.

Tom says the scallops are cooked beautifiully, but the chilli jam is not good

Christina and Tania’s main is a chilli king prawn pasta. Christina is using store bought pasta. She puts the prawns in with the tomatoes. Christina throws more chilli onto the pasta. It just looks like the sort of meal you’d serve your kids during the week, but with more chilli.

They serve it to the judges.

Aron says the pasta is a little overcooked.

Scott says it is stunning and the prawns are perfectly cooked. It is a bowl of love. I run for a bowl for my puke. Guillaume loves it too. Once again my eyes do their spinnity spin thing.

Liam says the curing, that they have never done before, is a success. He says if Britney Spears could make it through 2007, they can make it through this. Hmm.

Their plates look good. Christina says their’s are rustic. I roll my eyes again.

Conrad and Liam serve their cured kingfish with Asian salad and Asian hot and sour broth.

Pascal says the broth is amazing, so does Marie. I think?

Scott loves the broth Tom says it’s beautiful, and so does Guillaume. Scott says both teams gave them great mains.

They have 30 minutes to produce their desserts.

The boys serve their lime posset with a lime curd, pistachio nut crumble and candied lime zest.

Guillaume loves the candied zest. Scott says the posset is not quite set enough.

Christina and Tania serve their dessert: a lime cake with passionfruit syrup and mascarpone, and once again Christina gets my gorge rising by adding that it was cooked with love. Apparently the main course was not cooked with love?

Tom says the lime should be the hero (insert screaming from your recapper), but he could detect no lime flavour. It seems to be a passionfruit dessert. I cross my fingers tightly and dare to hope. I think about holding my breath, but remember how badly that turned out last time. I remind myself to keep breathing. In and out, in and out…

All teams are gathered together for the news. Scott says the improvement in both teams is remarkable. Conrad and Liam showed a real art in their cooking of the scallops, but the chilli jam was more of a sauce.

The kingfish carpaccio was perfect. (Poo. And boo.)

Conrad and Liam’s broth was wonderful.

Christina and Tania’s prawn chilli pasta was a bowl of Italian love. Christina cries. So do I, but not for the same reason.

Conrad and Liam’s crumble was fantastic and the curd was wonderful but the posset was a bit runny.

He tells Christina her dessert had no lime flavour.

Scott says it was very close, but there were two standout dishes and they were both Christina’s. Fuck.

Conrad and Liam have been eliminated. Conrad gets weepy. Liam says where’s your snot rag, in an evident attempt to keep him from getting too emotional on camera.

They tell us that the next round will be called the Makeover Round. Each team will be given 20k to make over their restaurant. What? Since when did this show morph into Restaurant Revolution? They will give them 3 dishes to make for the next dinner to be held there (at Scott’s restaurant. I forget its name, so sue me. 😀 )

I know we all know this show is a direct copy of MKR (and now, Rest. Rev. – yeah, my eyes are rolling again.) but it seems it’s taking a leaf from MKR and also Masterchef with TPTB masterminding the result. Because how can it be that the one team whose dish didn’t even feature the fuckin’ “hero” gets to win? And their main is a bowl of bought pasta? Bloody rigged.


August 11, 2015   28 Comments

Guest Post: The Hot Plate – Who Do You Want To Go Home?

The Hot Plate is heating up with the first elimination coming. If you want to know who is up for elimination then read the darling Rosie’s recap:

Lauren – [Dearest readers, I know you’re going to find the following difficult to believe, but I swear to you that it really happened. As I began typing “Lozz” (and I am typing this a bit later on the PC) my tablet leapt out of my hands and ran around the room before jumping back into my lap! Now, not having legs, it didn’t run so much as waddle, but man, that thing sure could waddle fast. I’m not sure I could have caught it, but being that I was sitting in a kind of stupor, I didn’t even try. So. I typed in Lozz again, but this time I was ready with the delete button and I was holding it with a grip of iron, and just as well I used that delete button smartish, because that tablet of mine can buck like you wouldn’t believe. Seriously, you wouldn’t believe. 😀 So my thinking is that my tablet believes, as I do, that the name Lauren is a pretty one and it should and will be used from now on instead of the nasty bogan alternative. I didn’t test the clearly intelligent machine on Nola’s alternative…] Now where were we? Oh yes, Lauren tells us that they serve the freshest seafood in Australia, and crayfish is their specialty. And their menu mentions chicken and the fuckin’ crayfish, or maybe the crayfish have both wings and fins? I’m not totally sure, but it’s something like that. That’s why they call the restaurant Wings and Fins.

Once again we hear the tired old nonsense that they have to prep the whole menu because they don’t know what the judges will order. Well they do not prep the entire fucking menu, as they never do, they only prep the exact dishes that the judges order. Isn’t that fucking amazing? I am fucking amazed. I hope you are too. Christ, these producers must take us for fools. Then again, we are watching this A-grade garbage, so I guess they are right.

Tom will be surprised to see fusion food on their menu. He spies salmon tacos. Hang about, that’s fusion! Of course Nola rabbiting on about not having any fusion dishes on their menu means nothing, because poor old Nola is, how can I put this, the girl is pretty thick.

One of the mains dishes is called chicken Nolsie. Kill me now. It is stuffed chicken breast resting on mashed potato. Thank you little machine for letting me type “Nolsie”. Nola peels the potatoes in no time flat. Lauren is surprised she gets it done so quickly, but it’s because she used a knife and removed as much potato as skin.

Scott says the lemon tart needs to be zingy and tart, but the pastry also needs to just right. Tom notices the peanut butter parfait on the menu. Oh golly I wonder if these will be the two desserts… What a load of crap. My eyes, my eyes…

The girls hear a plane comin’ in. The judges are here. Tom says it piques the appetite in a wonderful way to fly in for dinner. After being greeted by Lauren and Nola, they look around the restaurant. They love the view, but feel the room doesn’t make full use of it. The guests arrive soon after, and, brace yourselves, TANIA’S TITS ARE NOT COVERED BY ANY ANIMAL PRINT, BUT BY SOBER BLACK! The top is still extremely low cut though.

Vanessa says she gets why they call the restaurant Wings and Fins because it’s at the end of the runway, so wings for the planes and fins would be in the ocean. Her husband disagrees.

Conrad doesn’t like being greeted by two bald eagles as they walk in. They take them to see the crayfish.

Liam says if he gets too far from the CBD he hears banjos and gets panicky.

For Christina’s sainted palate, this will be wonderful.

Scott orders the coconut prawns for his entreé and Tom the salmon tacos. For mains Scott asks for the crayfish platter and Tom orders chicken Nolsie. For dessert, Scott orders the lemon tart and Tom the peanut butter parfait. Well colour me surprised! And colour my forehead purple from being banged on the desk.

Marie mentions the fusion despite Nola saying they don’t have any fusion.

Conrad and Liam hope the prawns won’t be too thickly battered, as we see Lauren telling Nola to make sure the batter is good and thick, and then they hope there won’t be too much coconut. We cut straight back to Lauren making sure Nola is putting loads and loads of shredded coconut on each prawn. We then move to the issue of deep frying. Both Conrad and Marie hope they won’t be deep fried, so of course they are deep fried. Most amusing. They are served with lime aoli.

The salmon tacos are huge in size which pleases Christina.

Liam says the prawns look like biscuits at the CWA sale

Aron says the salmon taco is boring in flavour.

Christina says it doesn’t zing zang in her mouth. She adds salt.

Liam says the prawn itself is beautiful but it’s wearing a big scary Halloween mask.

When they come in for their critique, Scott asks who cooked the prawns. Nola admits to the cooking of the prawns. He tells her there is only a small window between raw and overcooked when it comes to deep fried prawns, but his were cooked perfectly. However there was a problem. There was too much coconut, and the flavour overpowered the prawns. Tom says he had the salmon taco. The salmon was cooked beautifully, but you want salsa to be a fiesta in your mouth, and that was simply not there. It was like a face without a smile.

The crayfish platter is served half mornay and half natural.

Nola says if we muck these crays up after talking them up, I’m going to look really stupid. I cough quietly to myself. They are washing the ookity inside bits from the crays under the tap when Scott comes into the kitchen. He asks them are they washing it using fresh water Nola says yes that’s what they do. He tells the camera that washing them under fresh water is washing that lovely flavour of the ocean away. I remember this happening with some poor bugger using prawns on MKR.

Christina tells us she has always been true to her palate. She wishes the girls well, but can’t help hoping something goes wrong.

They bring out the main dishes.

Liam says it’s really hard sitting here with his chicken Nolsie looking at Conrad’s tray of decadence.

Christina is in crayfish heaven. I suspect her much vaunted palate doesn’t actually exist. Just give her lots and lots of tucker and Miss Piggy is happy. Oh, did you see the news? Miss Piggy and Kermit have broken up! I am devastated. I think that’s the right word.

Conrad says it tastes like they rinsed it under tap water. The crayfish flavour was missing.

Marie says her chicken breast was dry.

Tom says these are the two dishes they are known for. He says he’s not a fan of chicken breast. The chicken was cooked perfectly. But not a fan. He wanted something more. Scott doesn’t agree with rinsing the crays under the tap. He wanted something that tastes of the sea. But for him it was cooked perfectly. Lauren is teary.

Christina says after the mains they don’t have a chance. She is another teary deary.

Liam is concerned that the desserts will be too sweet.

In the kitchen, Lauren realises the pastry is too thick and probably needs longer in the oven. Uh oh, too late now. They bring them out.

The serve of lemon tart is very large which suits Christina. She mentions how zingy it is, but doesn’t seems to have noticed that the pastry is too thick and undercooked as she shovels it into her mouth.

Liam notices the pastry is undercooked which he says is a shame because the curd is great.

Aron says the parfait is far too sweet.

The girls come out to be critiques on their desserts.

Scott says he ordered the lemon tart for dessert. It has the foundations to be a wonderful dessert.  The curd itself was great, but the pastry was a little underdone. Tom says the parfait reminded him of a popular chocolate bar with nuts. It was sweet on sweet on sweet. Also the gelatine hadn’t quite melted through and it was also too salty.

Time to score:

Aron and Vanessa – 5/10

Philippe and Pascal – 5/10

Emi and Marie – 4/10

Conrad and Liam – 6/10

Christina and Tania – 5/10

Total – 25/50

They go to the hangar for the final scores (I suppose to add a little drama? Or because MKR went to the MKR kitchen for theirs perhaps. Stop it, eyes. I would smack you if it were possible and it wouldn’t hurt like blazes):


Food – 6/10

Restaurant experience – 7/10

Total – 13/20

(Liam comments here that he is standing next to Christina and he can feel that she is wound up tighter than Nicole Kidman’s forehead)


Food – 6/10

Restaurant experience – 8/10

Total – 14/20

Grand total – 52/90

So they are safe from elimination.

Christina is gutted that they are in the final 2.

Next up: the Elimination dinner. Should be interesting! I don’t really want to lose either of those couples. Yes Christina is revolting, but she sure is entertaining. 😉


August 6, 2015   80 Comments

Guest Post – The Hot Plate – Brisbane Cooks

SEVEN is having to wait until the end of the week to see if they have managed to get The Hot Plate pulled of the air. Until then read Rosie’s fantastic recaps:

Whew! It seems we have survived the legal stoush, so let’s get on with finding out which one is Emi and which is Marie. Or is that just me? Probably. Oh well. I suppose I should know, seeing they come from Brisvegas, and I do know the name of every other single resident of Brisbane. 😉

On with the show. Okay, I sorta know which is which. Emi is the chef.

Liam is looking forward to innovative food.

Nols says she has an open mind but won’t try raw food. Um, that sounds more snapped shut than open to me, sweet cheeks.

One of the mains will be will be yakitori which are chicken arteries. Emi knows it’s risky serving arteries, which are the top part of chicken heart. Another of the yakitori (which just means things on sticks) will be chicken skin, another plain chicken, but sauced up somehow, and I’m not sure what the other two will be.

The desserts they are preparing (and pretending they don’t know the judges will order: eye roll) are ginger infused creme caramel. Emi curdles the egg the first time she makes it. They are fine the second time.

The judges arrive. Scott comments on West End, and it is so odd to see them in West End which is where we go for coffee all. The. Time. Their restaurant is only a wee bit past the main drag where there are so many restaurants and coffee shops. And book shops and other interesting places. I agree with Scott’s point about their putting tables on the footpath and thus gaining more custom.

The others arrive immediately after and what is Tania wearing? A skin tight leopard skin top, of course. Barely covering her chesticles.

Christina is secretly hoping they won’t do that well tonight.

Liam says if he didn’t like them that much he’d hate their guts.

Christina says (with her nose in the air) that she won’t be able to eat arteries or skin. I’m presuming her precious palate won’t like it. *smirk*

Scott selects the beef tataki as his entreé, while Tom goes for the trio of appetizers. They are a Japanese omelette, Japanese style paté and crispy chicken crackers.

For mains, Scott chooses rack of lamb with miko sauce. Tom selects five skewers. Scott has the Japanese style crème caramel for dessert and Tom goes for the tofu omelette.

Scott asks Nols will she try beef tataki. Amazingly she says she’ll give it a go. Good for her!

Christina doesn’t like sweet omelettes. Now why am I not surprised? And why are my eyes rolling out of their sockets? She says her entreé (which looks large for an entreé to me, if anything, but then she’d have to actually eat it all…) is too small. And she can’t eat omelettes that are too sweet. Poppet, did you not notice you are in a Japanese restaurant?

Nols tries on her big girl pants and eats the beef. So good on her.

Pascal prefers his dad’s omelette. Eh, he’s just being loyal.

Aron thinks it’s because they want the girls to be top of the leaderboard tonight not them.

Scott tells Emi that the beef only has a few key components. If one is wrong, it all goes wrong. He had high expectations for this dish and she did deliver. The ponzu sauce was slightly acidic and so did not need the slice of lemon on top, that was all. Tom had the trio of appetizers for his entreé. He says the crispy chicken crackers were great. He failed to see the Japanese component to the paté, but the omelette was perfect.

Nols hopes they stuff up with their main courses. Gee, thanks, Nols. Christina hopes they do too. She can’t even look at arteries or chicken skin.

Phil used to be a belly dancer. They call for a demo. He stays seated and wobbles the fat on his belly around. Not exactly edifying to look at.

Hang on, hold the phone! I’ve got the Emi/Marie names wrong. Sigh. MARIE is the chef – the one with the white headband. Sorry everyone. And if for some embarrassing reason you are reading this, Emi and/or Marie, I offer you my humble apologies.

Marie That name again: Marie! Serves the lamb medium rare for all.

Nols tries the arteries! Wow, she has come a long way! Great going, Nols!

Liam has the Indiana Jones feeling as he’s eating the arteries but wants to show the others he can eat it.

Christina says the lamb at Philippe’s was much better than this.

Liam says the lamb was the dish of competition so far.

Christina took it as a slap on the face.

The girls come for their critique.

Scott says taking the lamb and pairing it with miso is risky, while adding whole head garlic even riskier but she pulled it off. And the cooking of the lamb was perfect. Tom says the cooking was fantastic. Artery is an unattractive name, but tasted wonderful and the broth was wonderful; right up there with the best.

Christina thinks she’s on another planet, because her palate doesn’t like that food. So perhaps you should go back to the planet you came from? You know, the one where they serve mush that they call minestrone… I didn’t even slap myself for that because I didn’t think it necessary. Harrumph.

They have said desserts are their weak point so will they be?

Liam says whenever they’ve eaten Japanese, desserts are their weak point, so he believes they may well be.

The desserts are served.

Vanessa says the desserts smell weird.

Nols says the ginger is too overpowering to anythink [sic] else.

Philippe was most offended that they called the creme caramel by a French name. And his was not set.

Scott’s ginger crème caramel was cooked perfectly. At first he had a big hit of ginger, then lost it. Tom says  when you say donuts, people expect sweetness and lightness. These were heavy and stodgy, not the desserts he was hoping for.

The scores:

Aron and Vanessa – 5/10

Philippe and Pascal – 6/10

Lozz and Nols – 6/10

Liam and Conrad – 8/10

Christina and Tania – 2/10 (bitches!)

Total – 27/50



Food – 8/10

Restaurant experience – 8/10

Total – 16/20


Food – 8/10

Restaurant experience – 9/10

Total – 17/20


Grand total – 60/90

Lozz and Nols are up next with some (gitcha Aussie accents on here, fellas) good old Aussie seafood, fresh from the plane.


August 5, 2015   26 Comments

Guest Post: The Hot Plate – Do Conrad and Liam Live Up To Their Own Hype?

Rosie is wondering if this will be the last ever Hotplate, since Channel 7 is suing them and it will all come to court today. All very interesting! Meanwhile, here is the latest recap:

Tonight we will see Conrad and Liam hard at work in the kitchen of their restaurant, Duck, Duck, Moose. If the previews pan out, we may even see a delightful comeuppance for the bitchy pair. But TV editing being what it is, I have a sad feeling they’ll be sitting pretty atop the leader board by the end of the night.

And speaking of ends… I’m wondering if this is the last show we’ll ever see of The Hotplate, since Channel 7 is seeing them in court tomorrow for their blatant ripping off of MKR.

Meanwhile, we do get to see a show tonight, so let’s get on with it. I start by literally laughing out loud as the boys are in a car driving to or from somewhere (it’s never explained), and Liam says they don’t need to belittle the other teams. Really? So why did you? Liam says it’s critical that they be true to themselves.

Christina believes they will be very good.

They begin to prepare pork cheeks for entreé. The oven won’t start which is a bad sign. Dum, dum, dum. (Rip of of South Park 😉 )The stress is getting to the old man says Liam, and he’s right.

Tom looks at the menu and thinks it’s exceptionally complicated. He thinks it will all go unbelievably well or go pear shaped.

Conrad finally gets the oven lit. He has been pushing the wrong button. Shows how familiar he is with the kitchen then, doesn’t it, hmm?

Tom says pork cheeks in steamed buns sound good. He says steamed buns with pork cheeks is one of his favourite foods.

Liam brings out his inner little boy by holding up a couple of fruits (no idea what sort – something tropical?) and holding them in front of his chest and saying to Conrad, who am I? Conrad says you need to hold them up a bit. He does and all three of us have a good old giggle. He does have his redeeming features, does our Liam.

Kath, I mean Nols has never had Asian infusion. Yep, that’s what she said. Is she trying to sound stupid?

Tom’s never had broken prawn. He asks why is the prawn broken, has his wife left him? Heh, cute. We never find out! Poor wee prawns. Scott talks about the 5 spice chocolate mousse and is looking forward to it.

In the kitchen there are problems with said choccie mousse. It seems to be a bit lumpy. Liam thinks it’s not right. They might not be able to plate it up. Gee, I wonder if Conrad will have time to make more? If he does, I don’t recall seeing it on screen. Liam has to set the tables now. He says Conrad looks as though he ran here from Papua New Guinea.

The judges are here. They like the room. And the cutlery, but say the place lacks warmth. Lozz likes seeing dolphins as they walk up. What is Tania wearing? Animal print again, but at least not quite so low cut this time. She and her mum are delighted to see not just carpet, but worn down carpet.

Liam’s anxiety is growing and growing and growing.

The others are bitches about the place seeming cold. Vanessa doesn’t understand some of the words in the menu. Christina drops in their comments last night about Aron and Vanessa’s UN cafeteria menu, leaving Aron fuming. Nice work, Christina. Ya bitch.

Tom orders the steamed pork buns and Scott the won ton mushroom cups in XO sauce for entreé. Then for the mains, Scott will have the salmon smoked with green tea and coconut and turmeric risotto with kale on the side. Tom orders the squid stuffed with chorizo, mango and prawns. Tom will have the mango tapioca with panna cotta cream for dessert and Scott will have the five spice chocolate mousse.

Christina says she doesn’t like to cause trouble. My arse she doesn’t.

The steamed buns are a touch overbrowned. Not burnt! Oh no! Just well browned, when steamed buns shouldn’t be brown at all. (I don’t think?) And they can’t find the apricots because they have not been ordered.

They serve the entreés. Yep, the browning of the steamed buns is noticed as is the missing advertised apricot that is missing from the sauce. Aron smirks about the missing apricot. Nobody seems to like any of it. Emi or Marie thinks Aron is being a bit harsh especially seeing that the boys didn’t say anything bad about their place.

Scott says if you say wild mushrooms, you should provide wild mushrooms, not just a couple of basic ones. Tom says the relish didn’t thrill him, nor is he too impressed with the overcooked steamed buns. The meat is too dry and the bun is dry. Just not quite there. (Which to me seems to be his nice way of saying it’s shit.) They go back to the kitchen saying now they know how the other guys felt. They say they can dish it out so let’s bounce back.

Time to smoke the salmon. They are smoking it in green tea. The smoke alarm goes off. Christina says Oh my God they’re burning something in the kitchen, with delight in her voice, but it’s just the smoker. Conrad runs out of the kitchen to extinguish the smoke but says really, he should just keep running. Heh.

Aron hates the thought of mushroom and salmon being served together. Huh?

Liam has lost his paw paw salad. How can you lose a salad? And I wonder if he ever found it.

Emi or Marie says she can tell by the smell that the salmon will be dry dry dry. Aron tries the risotto. The flavours do not work. Christina won’t try the salmon and she can see beaks in some of the squid. If any of her chefs served this she would be so embarrassed.

Scott says coconut loves turmeric and says this dish is full of ambition but the salmon is dry and over smoked. Tom says the squid is not cleaned properly, which is a schoolboy problem. The chorizo punched everything else in the face. You were reaching for the stars but didn’t get there. They need to pare it back.

The boys return to the kitchen, saying they can only try harder. Conrad says they’re going down, but Liam says never in a million years. Dessert is their last chance.

Nols feels really sorry for them. Aron doesn’t like the tapioca, but doesn’t mind the mousse.

The boys come out to be scored.

Scott says the mousse was stunning if a bit salty. It tingled his palate and for him was the dish of the night. Tom says the tapioca needed more cooking.

Time to score:

Aron and Vanessa – 2/10

Emi and Marie – 5/10

Nols and Lozz – 3/10

Philippe and Pascal – 2/10

Christina and Tania – 1/10

Total 13/50



Food – 4/10

Restaurant experience – 8/10

Total – 12/20



Food – 4/10

Restaurant experience – 7/10

Total – 11/20


Grand total 36

They are definitely at the bottom of the leaderboard. I have to give it to the boys: they took it on the chin. Conrad even says he didn’t expect their score to be that high.

Emi and Marie are up tomorrow night. (That’s if the show is still on the air. Keep an eye on the news…) I hope it is on, because I want to figure out which one is which. :)


August 4, 2015   26 Comments