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Posts from — August 2015

Guest Post: The Hot Plate – So The Restaurants Get A Renovation

Now I think we can all agree that Auntie Rosie did herself a wee bit too much swearing in the recap of last night’s show. Okay, way too much swearing. But here’s the deal: tonight there will be NO SWEARING at all. None. I swear. Bother, I just swore, although that sort of swearing should be okay, shouldn’t it? I’m confused. On with the show!

Tonight we are at Aron and Vanessa’s. They have 72 hours to renovate the restaurant. Tom says there were a few things that looked a bit tattered. Scott thinks the light coloured seats were a mistake.

So we see Aron and Vanessa talking about paint and wallpaper – yeah that’s great and all, but I don’t watch reno shows for a reason. I find them boring. Isn’t this supposed to be a bloody cooking show? Get on with the fucking cooking! Oops, that didn’t last long. Slaps self – hard. Sigh.

Scott says the first time they came to Aron and Vanessa’s restaurant, they gave them fairly beige food. He visits them with the food for Round 2.

For entreé he expects a sophisticated version of the classic Aussie meat pie, but made with chicken.

For the main course, surf and turf, using bugs and fillet.

And for dessert, they will need to jazz up the lamington.

Aron immediately decides to makes single chicken pies with Asian flavours, and his main will be Italian style. He will deconstruct the lamington making a chocolate panna cotta, a coconut sorbet, a sponge and some strawberry jam.

They have 90 minutes to prepare the meal.

Vanessa says she’s gotta change her stress to productive excitement. She asks Aron should she leave the hairy bits on the spring onions, making me giggle insanely.

Aron has some sort of cramp. Who the fuck cares. Now that’s not worthy of a slap, is it? I ask the world and the world says no. Thank you, world.

Christina says Aron’s a threat. Yeah, everyone a threat to you, bitch.

Scott says he has grown up on lamingtons and they are iconic.

Aron is making little pies that he admits look like boobs.

The judges arrive.  They think the place now looks fantastic. The soul of the old restaurant is here but it’s more modern and more contemporary. They note that the leopard skin barstool covers have gone. They joke about where the leopard skin has gone to. Cue shot of Christina and Tania walking along the footpath, with Tania wearing a lowcut animal print top. Christina says the makeover is to her palate. I do not vomit. Feel free to applaud.

Aron is worried that he put raw chicken into the pie, so cuts one open a few minutes before they are ready. It is only a wee bit pink so he puts them back in the oven until full time.

The chicken and shiitake pies are served with tamarind sauce.

Lauren is used to pies. But with tomato sauce.

Christina says Aron looks worried. She sounds pretty happy to say so.

Nola says it’s a dry pie. So put some sauce on it, ya berk.

Philippe says it looks like a small boob.

Christina, being another ten year old also mentions the small boob, but does say her palate liked it. Her palate likes small boobs?

Emi liked it. Lauren says that pie is not a pretty enough word.

Scott says the pastry is perfectly cooked and the tamarind sauce is packed full of flavour. Tom says you nailed the three “Ts”: taste, technique and something else that starts with T that escapes my imperfect memory.

They cook, cook, cook the mains.

Nola expects more than just steak and a bug on the plate.

Oh, he’s overcooking some of the steak for Nola. He’s covering it in gravy. That’s actually nice of him.

It does all look a bit boring though. Just steak, bug and polenta with some jus poured around the side, or over the steak if you are Nola. I suppose the polenta makes it Italian? Hmm.

Emi is not sure ½ bug is enough.

Pascal says it’s very safe.

Tom tells them they were instructed to take it up a notch. The steak was good but what was the jus doing on the plate? The garlic butter went well with the bug, but the jus overpowered it all. It was a bit of a come down. Scott asks where was the wow factor. He expected perfect steak and they did that. But he tells them this shows a chink in their armour and the table agreed.

Philippe tells the table he has never had a lamington in his life. Much surprise.

Christina isn’t into deconstructive…deconstrict… deconst… she can’t even say it. Idiot.

Vanessa doesn’t even know if the panna cottas will be set. If they are not, she will be going home. Sorry, thought I was back on Masterchef for a minute there. No, she says they will be fucked, I mean rooted, I mean screwed. Oh dear. Smacked meself again, on the other side of the poor old face. Maybe the smacking is good for the circulation and will do something about these pesky wrinkles that I am pretending don’t exist? And of course they are fine. (The panna cottas, not my wrinkles.) As Aron says, they liked the tits for their entreé, so he hopes they’ll like ’em for their dessert too. He makes the sponges in the microwave.

They serve the dessert.

Christina says it’s a big mess  all over the plate. She gets it, but she was hoping for more of a lamington. Oh fuck off. No smacks for that.

Tania thinks the idea was amazing. And it’s not often Tania gets to have an opinion of her own.

Philippe says his first lamington experience was amazing.

Tom says it looked attractive, but he could have done without the smear. If you can’t eat it, don’t put it on the plate. The panna cotta is great. He wanted more sponge, but the jam is great and the whole thing was full of wit and imagination. Scott says that when he found out the lamington would be deconstructed, alarm bells began to ring. But he would come back to Rocksalt again and again for this.

Time to score. There will be no secret scoring. Their scores will be given direct to the host team. Ha ha ha ha. It should be ever thus. The teams will each score out of 10, and the judges out of 30.

Philippe and Pascal – 7/10

Emi and Marie – 7/10

Christina and Tania – 7/10

Lauren and Nola – 9/10

Total – 30/40

Tom – 24/30

Scott – 23/30

Grand total – 77/100

Aron thinks they have a 100% chance of winning this. Can my eyes roll any further around?

Lauren and Nola are next.

I’d apologize for breaking my word on the swearing, but I’m just not sorry. 😆


August 12, 2015   421 Comments

Guest Post: The Hot Plate – Is The Show Rigged?

Rosie is on fire with The Hot Plate – and she is not happy with last nights outcome. Over to Rosie:

So it’s Plate versus Plate and State versus State! Well, except for tonight, when it’s WA against WA. Sigh. We lose either the hideous but highly entertaining Christina and her massively mammaried daughter, Tania, or the charmingly bitchy gay couple, Liam and Conrad. Neither chef coped too well in their own (alleged) kitchen, so how they’ll cope in a strange kitchen (of one of Scott’s restaurants) should provide entertainment of the highest water.

Trouble is, my palate and I have really had enough of Christina, her palate and Tania. So I shall come out right now and declare my allegiance lies with the boys. I have even gone so far as to pray they be touched by the noodly appendages of the FSM. And I don’t do that for everyone.

Oh Christ, could Tania’s skirt be any shorter? At least it will shortly (see what I did there 😉 ) be covered by an apron. When asked if he’s nervous, Liam says he has pterodactyls, not butterflies in his tummy. Guillaume Brahimi will be a guest judge tonight. He will be looking for great Italian traditional cuisine as well as Asian fusion.

They have three hours to make three dishes, and each dish must feature at least one from finger limes, kingfish or chillies.

Liam and Conrad’s entreé will be seared scallops with chilli jam. Christina and Tania are making kingfish carpaccio with limes for their entreé.

The other guests arrive. Someone says come on girls. Do they mean all four of them ;)?

Christina’s word of the day today seems to be “honey” spoken or yelled at Tania. At least it makes a change from “palate”, I suppose.

Liam is making a lime posset for dessert. Last time I attempted a posset it didn’t set. I wish him more luck. Oops, he fucks it up. Or is it the curd he fucks up? Oh dear.

Fuck, we see Christina crying, does that mean the fucking producers are fucking with us and she’ll be safe? I hope the fuck not. Sorry about all the fucking bad fucking language, gice. Okay, Rosie, clean up your language, stat! Yes’m, I’ll try. *whimpers a little* *realises self is very near to cracking up* *gives self a severe talking to* *takes deep breath* Okay, I’m feeling a bit better now.

Tania is making a lime cake with passionfruit syrup and mascarpone. Christina says she brought her nana’s spatula to add not luck, but a bit of love to the dish. So she uses it to give the mixture an extra stir.

Christina and Tania serve their carpaccio with chilli, capers and finger lime to the judges, and Christina tells them it’s been cooked with love. I swallow down the vomit. Ick.

Guillaume is impressed with the dish. After their dish at Christina’s. this is in the next stratosphere says one of the other judges.

Nola actually enjoys the kingfish carpaccio to her own amazement. I’m really impressed she tried it. She says it’s going on their menu.

Conrad admits his chilli jam is chilli slop. He keeps fretting over it, wasting precious time until it’s too late to cook some of the scallops. Sigh. Two plates have no scallops at all, and one has only two instead of three.

Aron and Vanessa get none, so they share with the others at the table, and Emi and Marie got ½ each. Liam, to his credit, says it is a crime against food.

Tom says the scallops are cooked beautifiully, but the chilli jam is not good

Christina and Tania’s main is a chilli king prawn pasta. Christina is using store bought pasta. She puts the prawns in with the tomatoes. Christina throws more chilli onto the pasta. It just looks like the sort of meal you’d serve your kids during the week, but with more chilli.

They serve it to the judges.

Aron says the pasta is a little overcooked.

Scott says it is stunning and the prawns are perfectly cooked. It is a bowl of love. I run for a bowl for my puke. Guillaume loves it too. Once again my eyes do their spinnity spin thing.

Liam says the curing, that they have never done before, is a success. He says if Britney Spears could make it through 2007, they can make it through this. Hmm.

Their plates look good. Christina says their’s are rustic. I roll my eyes again.

Conrad and Liam serve their cured kingfish with Asian salad and Asian hot and sour broth.

Pascal says the broth is amazing, so does Marie. I think?

Scott loves the broth Tom says it’s beautiful, and so does Guillaume. Scott says both teams gave them great mains.

They have 30 minutes to produce their desserts.

The boys serve their lime posset with a lime curd, pistachio nut crumble and candied lime zest.

Guillaume loves the candied zest. Scott says the posset is not quite set enough.

Christina and Tania serve their dessert: a lime cake with passionfruit syrup and mascarpone, and once again Christina gets my gorge rising by adding that it was cooked with love. Apparently the main course was not cooked with love?

Tom says the lime should be the hero (insert screaming from your recapper), but he could detect no lime flavour. It seems to be a passionfruit dessert. I cross my fingers tightly and dare to hope. I think about holding my breath, but remember how badly that turned out last time. I remind myself to keep breathing. In and out, in and out…

All teams are gathered together for the news. Scott says the improvement in both teams is remarkable. Conrad and Liam showed a real art in their cooking of the scallops, but the chilli jam was more of a sauce.

The kingfish carpaccio was perfect. (Poo. And boo.)

Conrad and Liam’s broth was wonderful.

Christina and Tania’s prawn chilli pasta was a bowl of Italian love. Christina cries. So do I, but not for the same reason.

Conrad and Liam’s crumble was fantastic and the curd was wonderful but the posset was a bit runny.

He tells Christina her dessert had no lime flavour.

Scott says it was very close, but there were two standout dishes and they were both Christina’s. Fuck.

Conrad and Liam have been eliminated. Conrad gets weepy. Liam says where’s your snot rag, in an evident attempt to keep him from getting too emotional on camera.

They tell us that the next round will be called the Makeover Round. Each team will be given 20k to make over their restaurant. What? Since when did this show morph into Restaurant Revolution? They will give them 3 dishes to make for the next dinner to be held there (at Scott’s restaurant. I forget its name, so sue me. 😀 )

I know we all know this show is a direct copy of MKR (and now, Rest. Rev. – yeah, my eyes are rolling again.) but it seems it’s taking a leaf from MKR and also Masterchef with TPTB masterminding the result. Because how can it be that the one team whose dish didn’t even feature the fuckin’ “hero” gets to win? And their main is a bowl of bought pasta? Bloody rigged.


August 11, 2015   28 Comments

Guest Post: Dancing With The Stars Were The Judges Too Harsh?

Rosie is back with a recap of Dancing With The Stars and do you agree with what the judges were saying about the contestants? Over to Rosie:

So two of our “stars” will leave tonight. And my darling Bruno has already left. We knew he was only here temporarily, but I was secretly hoping he could stay for at least another week. It just looks odd with only three judges. Todd has moved into the middle – God knows why. Producers and their little whims, I suppose.

Shane tells us Josh Groban will perform for us later.

First up is Emma and Aric and they are doing the cha cha. She’s pretty good.

Helen agrees, saying she’s on track.

Todd says she is hard to fault.

Kym thinks she is dynamite.

They each score her a 9.

Mat and Ash-Leigh are next. Apparently he strained a groin during the week, but hey, he’s a former (rugby league) footy player, and tough as old boots. They dance the fox trot. And dance it well, by my humble standards.

Todd loved it.

So did Kym. Said it was a game changer; he was a debonair Fred Astaire.

Helen loved the music (Mack the knife) and loved them.

Helen: 9

Todd: 10

Kym: 10

Next is Samantha, doing the tango with her partner, Joshua. She has certainly improved, I’ll give her that.

Kym thinks she is sultry and sensual, but needs more confidence.

Helen says she is running out of time. She has been trained for the catwalk to show no emotion, but needs more pizzazz.

Todd agrees. She needs to show more personality. (I see her going tonight…)

Helen: 6

Todd: 6

Kym: 7

The sweetie pie Matt Mitcham is next. He and Masha are dancing the Viennese waltz. He looks just fine to me.

Helen tells him he’s a master at role playing – he looks as though he’s in love. (Their song is “I can’t help falling in love with you.)

Todd says his feet were turned out a bit.

Kym agrees it was a beautiful performance, but also agrees with the nitpicky stuff.

Helen: 9

Todd: 7

Kym: 9

Larry and Alana will do the paso doble. He makes a good attempt, but IMO, we’ve seen better.

Todd is content but says it’s a little light on.

Kym thinks it’s lacking in a little content also.

Helen says you sexy brute. It’s an unusual interpretation.

They each give him 7.

Next, Lynette and Carmelo are dancing the foxtrot. Did I ever tell you I think Carmelo is super hot? Oh, I’m supposed to watch Lynette? *pouts*

Kym says she looks gorgeous, but should cut the action short a bit. She suggests Carmelo record her because she’s not quite getting it.

Helen thinks she’s trying to sell it better, but the dancing is not much better.

Todd says her kids can be proud of her (we saw her 3 year old daughter at rehearsal), but her core collapses and she buckles in the middle.

They each give her 6.

Jude and Dianne are doing the tango this week. Dianne is worried about the elimination. His dancing is okay, but nothing to write home about, for mine.

Helen says his dances are a bit aggressive, and she’s worried he’ll break Dianne.

Todd liked that he got smiley and cheesy now and then, but thinks there’s an issue with his being bendy legged.

Kym says she’s not sure about his commitment, but good job.

Helen: 7

Todd: 8

Kym: 8

Next up are Kelly and Damian to dance the quickstep. I think she does a fine job.

Todd said the confidence she is giving to others with similar challenges is huge, but she has risen to the challenge.

Kym was blown away. Says she is flying around the floor.

Helen says she will be Australia’s sweetheart. Incredible.

Helen: 7

Todd: 7

Kym: 9

And last but not least are Ash and Jarryd. They are dancing the Viennese waltz. And doing a great job of it IMHO.

Kym liked it, mostly. Thinks it gets a bit choppy.

Helen says when she dances solo she’s great but not so good partnering. Partnering skills are difficult to learn, but great job on the whole.

Todd hated it. She showed too much ambition. It should have been romantic rather than ambitious. She needs to chill out.

Helen: 7

Todd: 5

Kym: 9

Sing it Mouseketeers: Now it’s time to say goodbye to… no, no, Rosie, this is not the original Mickey Mouse Club. Boy, is my age showing here. 😀

Speaking of singing, Josh Groban did sing earlier, and I must say that the boy has a pretty voice.

Shane and Edwina tells us that the following couples, in no particular order, are safe:

Mat and Ash-Leigh

Emma and Aric

Jude and Dianne

Matt and Masha

Kelly and Damian

Ash and Jarryd

Unsafe are:

Samantha and Josh

Larry and Alana

Lynette and Carmelo (sob)

Next couple to be safe:

Larry and and Alana. Whew!




August 10, 2015   42 Comments

Guest Post: Restaurant Revolution – The Food Review Are In

We are supposed to get the results of all the critic’s visits tonight, which I find distinctly odd. I certainly don’t remember seeing any visits from Prune Faced Missie (hereafter referred to as PFM) nor from John Lethlean. Presumably one or ‘tother of them visited Adelaide or Perth last time, but if it was shown on my TV I must have been blinking. Or the visits were blinking fast. Maybe they’ll show them at the beginning of tonight’s show? But they showed the end of everybody’s service, so that wouldn’t make sense either.


Puzzled, of Brisbane.

The previews also hint – okay, make it pretty clear – that the top two will be Sydney and Melbourne, which would puzzle and bother me. I quite like young Dom, but Erez told us his food and service was generally less than good. And Melbourne! They can just fuck right off. So I hope that is just so much hokum, and dear little Adelaide will be near the top.

Onwards. (Why do I give such long intros when I am recapping a 2 hour show? Because I’m an idiot? Probably.)

They immediately tell us two teams will be visited and reviewed.Yes!

Tonight PFM goes to Perth, John to Adelaide and the secret critic, to Melbourne (I thought he or she was there the other night?).

John from Brisbane says they didn’t leave until left 3 or 4 am so are pretty tired. Neil’s advice was that it will get easier. Maggie says they are on a learning curve. Well since they started with zero experience, of course they are on a learning curve. But she’s so sweet, I can forgive her for stating the bleeding obvious.

Dom is bleary eyed after only 2 hours sleep. He tells his mum (and us) that the review will be given on TV in the middle of the restaurant while it is full.

The teams are opening for lunch again today.

Melbourne are told that the secret critic either came last night or will visit today. Aha!

Adelaide are told that they will be reviewed by John.

PFM will go to Perth.

In Adelaide, Reine’s husband phones to say their baby daughter has to go to hospital. He says she’s okay – it’s just precautionary. But naturally she’s worried.

Maz wants to take a video of Nathan working in the kitchen for Facebook.

Carmole explains to the waitresses about the ingredients in the dishes.

Everyone opens their doors right on midday, although we are not told yet how many people Carmole is permitted by the chef to seat at once.

But Melbourne’s supplies are not there yet, so Nathan is chucking a tanty. Understandable, but being Nathan, he’s very good at it.

John Lethlean arrives in Adelaide with a friend. He hopes Asa is in control in the kitchen, as he is the head chef.

In Perth PFM arrives with a friend. She hopes the chef is working with the sisters and not overworking them. Sounds as though she knows exactly what to expect. 😉 She comments to her friend that the waitress says everything is cooked fresh and says well so it should be.

Reine kisses John and he says he doesn’t usually kiss people at the front of house. She is embarrassed, but comments to us that she now thinks of him as a friend. Um, no, he’s now your critic, lovey. He notices the waiter puts his wine bottle down on the table but doesn’t bother to even open the bottle.

In Melbourne, Maz is still intent on videoing Nathan for social media. He is not happy with “Marilyn”,  telling her to just do her job.

PFM is over ordering to see what they will do. Her croquettes are still tepid in the middle.

In Adelaide, John is not overwhelmed by the heirloom vegetable garden he has for entreé. But his friend’s bacon broth and rabbit tortellini is much better.

In Brisbane there’s a hair in someone’s food. He discovers it when he’s nearly finished the dish. Oowaa. Consternation in the kitchen.

PFM has octopus and is disappointed with the dish. The reason she over ordered was to see if they would stagger the dishes, but they pretty much all came at once. She says it’s evident that Carmole has no idea what she’s doing at the pass, just standing there looking at the dockets.

John is disappointed with his main course. He says it’s a pleasant seafood soup, but not bouillabaisse. Reine is still worrying about her daughter. She is trying to explain the Athena (their sister) chocolate plate but she is blanking out. She should tell him her baby girl has just been taken to hospital! But I suppose that would be unprofessional. John says the dessert is pleasant. The service is not polished but okay.

PFM’s general opinion is that the menu is greatest hits of Spanish food. She is underwhelmed.

Carmole is expecting a call from Jock and not expecting it to be good.

Nathan is just hoping the secret critic says he is more than a D grade chef.

In Brisbane they listen to what Neil Perry said about them. We pretty much heard this the other night. On the whole he says their first night was not too bad.

Jock asks Carmole were they looking forward to the visit from PFM. They say they always look forward to seeing Jess. Hearty laughter from everybody else. She found it strange to see empty tables with crowds outside. She explains that she deliberately over ordered dishes to see what would happen and too many came out at once. The croquettes were a sad mushy paste.

Sydney. Erez says that basically Dom fell short of the mark.

In Adelaide, John says Reine made them feel welcome. We hear again about the waiter forgetting about the wine.

Melbourne. Jock can’t reveal the identity of the secret critic, so Jock will read his critique. The SC likes the feel of the restaurant. They also have spelling mistakes including parmigiana, which is unforgiveable in an Italian restaurant.

The lamb whatevery isn’t sticky as promised and the dessert something or other has a chemical taste. For front of house, Maz’ role as greeter is awkward. She hovers in annoying manner. Nathan thinks Maz is doing a great job so far. (Is that why he criticizes her so much?)

The scores:

6.5 to Brisbane (Cut to sour faced Nathan) John says he thinks their menu was spelled correctly too. 😆

Two teams each scored 6:

Adelaide and Melbourne.

Maz thinks some people just don’t like human contact. You stupid Oxford punt, there is a time and place for human contact. Arriving at a restaurant for dinner isn’t it.

Perth are 4th. My mouth hangs open. 5.5. How can those stupid bints beat sweet Dom? Yes, he’s made mistakes, but they are completely hopeless!

He gets 5. He takes it on the chin because he’s a gentleman.

Now Jock tells them that they can also score points from how profitable their restaurant is. So they need to push for profit.

Maz is still harping on about the critique. She is changing the furniture, so she’ll be on the other side of the desk. If it means she won’t be so in your face with the customers, that sounds useful.

Dom tells his staff he’s still proud of them. Such a nice boy.

In Brisbane they check their dishes and ask the staff to push the ones with higher profit margins. Meanwhile Maggie is pushing for better deals from their dealers.

Nathan has a meeting with his staff and as usual is rude.  He childishly plays the Danger fucking Zone as they begin their next service.

La Linea is out of gas. Ha ha ha ha. Bad Rosie. The delivery man points out that they’re not really out of gas at all. I think he is saying they’ve hooked up the doowicky to the dooverlackie, or it’s just plain in the wrong spot. I laugh some more. Much more. Chef Chad accepts the blame like a man. That we see.

Adelaide has problems with the oven. I don’t understand how or why, but they seem to keep cooking.

Dom welcomes his crowd. He is upset he can only seat 60 at a time, when there are so many people waiting out there. He is trying to push drinks and side dishes.

The Adelaide restaurant is only half full, so Reine goes out on the street and offers 10% off to people and manages to find some custom.

Maggie saves a table for her family but they are running late. With long queues, Justine gives the table away. Maggie walks away in tears. Looks like stress and lack of sleep to me. She soon comes back and mother and daughter are at peace once more.

In Melbourne, Nathan is furious with Kerryn or Karen. Or Kirrin. He wants her fired. Apparently she is not cool under pressure. Just like you then, huh? He tells Maz it’s her job to do the firing, since she is in charge of front of house. I hope for the sake of this girl’s dignity, we don’t see the firing on TV.

Time for more scoring.

Dom doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle last place again.

Adelaide is worried they’ll be last.

Dom reminds his staff to not complain and to take it on the chin. He’s a gentleman I tells ya, my boy’s a gentleman.  The top team will gain a table and the losing team will lose a table. Well that can hardly affect Perth, now, can it?

Jock asks Dom how it feels to be at the bottom. He replies pretty average.

An extra table means extra cash.

Carmole nods. I chuckle, because, well, how can it possible affect her?

5th place, with 1 point goes to Melbourne. Ha ha!

4th, with 2 points: Brisbane. *shrug*

3rd place, with 3 pts: Adelaide.

What the…? I cannot believe Perth is beating Adelaide and Brisbane. Imagine how well they’d do if they had another chef and actually let more hungry punters in at once. The mind boggles.

2nd, with 4 points is Perth.

Most profitable is Sydney. He’s thrilled.

Sydney is now on top with 10

Perth: 9.5 (grr)

Adelaide: 9

Brisbane: 8.5

Melbourne: 7

I’m pretty happy with everyone’s results, except for Perth, which seems ludicrous. Unless Chef Chad knew what he was doing all along? Except for hooking up gas bottles, that is.

Dom thanks his staff for their hard work. Next week, the teams will judge each other. Naturally, they’ll be ridiculously hard on each other, a la Christina on The Hotplate. Although they will be better dressed than her. And have better palates. (Sorry, couldn’t resist that one.)

August 10, 2015   115 Comments

Guest Post: The Hot Plate – Who Do You Want To Go Home?

The Hot Plate is heating up with the first elimination coming. If you want to know who is up for elimination then read the darling Rosie’s recap:

Lauren – [Dearest readers, I know you’re going to find the following difficult to believe, but I swear to you that it really happened. As I began typing “Lozz” (and I am typing this a bit later on the PC) my tablet leapt out of my hands and ran around the room before jumping back into my lap! Now, not having legs, it didn’t run so much as waddle, but man, that thing sure could waddle fast. I’m not sure I could have caught it, but being that I was sitting in a kind of stupor, I didn’t even try. So. I typed in Lozz again, but this time I was ready with the delete button and I was holding it with a grip of iron, and just as well I used that delete button smartish, because that tablet of mine can buck like you wouldn’t believe. Seriously, you wouldn’t believe. 😀 So my thinking is that my tablet believes, as I do, that the name Lauren is a pretty one and it should and will be used from now on instead of the nasty bogan alternative. I didn’t test the clearly intelligent machine on Nola’s alternative…] Now where were we? Oh yes, Lauren tells us that they serve the freshest seafood in Australia, and crayfish is their specialty. And their menu mentions chicken and the fuckin’ crayfish, or maybe the crayfish have both wings and fins? I’m not totally sure, but it’s something like that. That’s why they call the restaurant Wings and Fins.

Once again we hear the tired old nonsense that they have to prep the whole menu because they don’t know what the judges will order. Well they do not prep the entire fucking menu, as they never do, they only prep the exact dishes that the judges order. Isn’t that fucking amazing? I am fucking amazed. I hope you are too. Christ, these producers must take us for fools. Then again, we are watching this A-grade garbage, so I guess they are right.

Tom will be surprised to see fusion food on their menu. He spies salmon tacos. Hang about, that’s fusion! Of course Nola rabbiting on about not having any fusion dishes on their menu means nothing, because poor old Nola is, how can I put this, the girl is pretty thick.

One of the mains dishes is called chicken Nolsie. Kill me now. It is stuffed chicken breast resting on mashed potato. Thank you little machine for letting me type “Nolsie”. Nola peels the potatoes in no time flat. Lauren is surprised she gets it done so quickly, but it’s because she used a knife and removed as much potato as skin.

Scott says the lemon tart needs to be zingy and tart, but the pastry also needs to just right. Tom notices the peanut butter parfait on the menu. Oh golly I wonder if these will be the two desserts… What a load of crap. My eyes, my eyes…

The girls hear a plane comin’ in. The judges are here. Tom says it piques the appetite in a wonderful way to fly in for dinner. After being greeted by Lauren and Nola, they look around the restaurant. They love the view, but feel the room doesn’t make full use of it. The guests arrive soon after, and, brace yourselves, TANIA’S TITS ARE NOT COVERED BY ANY ANIMAL PRINT, BUT BY SOBER BLACK! The top is still extremely low cut though.

Vanessa says she gets why they call the restaurant Wings and Fins because it’s at the end of the runway, so wings for the planes and fins would be in the ocean. Her husband disagrees.

Conrad doesn’t like being greeted by two bald eagles as they walk in. They take them to see the crayfish.

Liam says if he gets too far from the CBD he hears banjos and gets panicky.

For Christina’s sainted palate, this will be wonderful.

Scott orders the coconut prawns for his entreé and Tom the salmon tacos. For mains Scott asks for the crayfish platter and Tom orders chicken Nolsie. For dessert, Scott orders the lemon tart and Tom the peanut butter parfait. Well colour me surprised! And colour my forehead purple from being banged on the desk.

Marie mentions the fusion despite Nola saying they don’t have any fusion.

Conrad and Liam hope the prawns won’t be too thickly battered, as we see Lauren telling Nola to make sure the batter is good and thick, and then they hope there won’t be too much coconut. We cut straight back to Lauren making sure Nola is putting loads and loads of shredded coconut on each prawn. We then move to the issue of deep frying. Both Conrad and Marie hope they won’t be deep fried, so of course they are deep fried. Most amusing. They are served with lime aoli.

The salmon tacos are huge in size which pleases Christina.

Liam says the prawns look like biscuits at the CWA sale

Aron says the salmon taco is boring in flavour.

Christina says it doesn’t zing zang in her mouth. She adds salt.

Liam says the prawn itself is beautiful but it’s wearing a big scary Halloween mask.

When they come in for their critique, Scott asks who cooked the prawns. Nola admits to the cooking of the prawns. He tells her there is only a small window between raw and overcooked when it comes to deep fried prawns, but his were cooked perfectly. However there was a problem. There was too much coconut, and the flavour overpowered the prawns. Tom says he had the salmon taco. The salmon was cooked beautifully, but you want salsa to be a fiesta in your mouth, and that was simply not there. It was like a face without a smile.

The crayfish platter is served half mornay and half natural.

Nola says if we muck these crays up after talking them up, I’m going to look really stupid. I cough quietly to myself. They are washing the ookity inside bits from the crays under the tap when Scott comes into the kitchen. He asks them are they washing it using fresh water Nola says yes that’s what they do. He tells the camera that washing them under fresh water is washing that lovely flavour of the ocean away. I remember this happening with some poor bugger using prawns on MKR.

Christina tells us she has always been true to her palate. She wishes the girls well, but can’t help hoping something goes wrong.

They bring out the main dishes.

Liam says it’s really hard sitting here with his chicken Nolsie looking at Conrad’s tray of decadence.

Christina is in crayfish heaven. I suspect her much vaunted palate doesn’t actually exist. Just give her lots and lots of tucker and Miss Piggy is happy. Oh, did you see the news? Miss Piggy and Kermit have broken up! I am devastated. I think that’s the right word.

Conrad says it tastes like they rinsed it under tap water. The crayfish flavour was missing.

Marie says her chicken breast was dry.

Tom says these are the two dishes they are known for. He says he’s not a fan of chicken breast. The chicken was cooked perfectly. But not a fan. He wanted something more. Scott doesn’t agree with rinsing the crays under the tap. He wanted something that tastes of the sea. But for him it was cooked perfectly. Lauren is teary.

Christina says after the mains they don’t have a chance. She is another teary deary.

Liam is concerned that the desserts will be too sweet.

In the kitchen, Lauren realises the pastry is too thick and probably needs longer in the oven. Uh oh, too late now. They bring them out.

The serve of lemon tart is very large which suits Christina. She mentions how zingy it is, but doesn’t seems to have noticed that the pastry is too thick and undercooked as she shovels it into her mouth.

Liam notices the pastry is undercooked which he says is a shame because the curd is great.

Aron says the parfait is far too sweet.

The girls come out to be critiques on their desserts.

Scott says he ordered the lemon tart for dessert. It has the foundations to be a wonderful dessert.  The curd itself was great, but the pastry was a little underdone. Tom says the parfait reminded him of a popular chocolate bar with nuts. It was sweet on sweet on sweet. Also the gelatine hadn’t quite melted through and it was also too salty.

Time to score:

Aron and Vanessa – 5/10

Philippe and Pascal – 5/10

Emi and Marie – 4/10

Conrad and Liam – 6/10

Christina and Tania – 5/10

Total – 25/50

They go to the hangar for the final scores (I suppose to add a little drama? Or because MKR went to the MKR kitchen for theirs perhaps. Stop it, eyes. I would smack you if it were possible and it wouldn’t hurt like blazes):


Food – 6/10

Restaurant experience – 7/10

Total – 13/20

(Liam comments here that he is standing next to Christina and he can feel that she is wound up tighter than Nicole Kidman’s forehead)


Food – 6/10

Restaurant experience – 8/10

Total – 14/20

Grand total – 52/90

So they are safe from elimination.

Christina is gutted that they are in the final 2.

Next up: the Elimination dinner. Should be interesting! I don’t really want to lose either of those couples. Yes Christina is revolting, but she sure is entertaining. 😉


August 6, 2015   80 Comments