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Category — When Love Comes To Town

Guest Post: When Love Comes…All Over A Reunion! Awkward!

So the girls are finally back where they feel most comfortable – in the big smoke! Leaving 60% of single fellas standing around playing with their livestock or grapes! Never the mind, the girls are in the hotel bathroom duding themselves up for TV.  Natalie Grizzledick warms herself up for some ‘hard core’ pawning over the girls and guys like some match maker guru. Where are the tough questions like on the American shows? You are not their mother! And time for a fringe Nat, just saying!

The girls all meet each other again over some bubblies and I’m guessing – down at the docks near Pyrmont Sydney. I know my city bi-atches! All the girls are beyond happy from meeting each other again more than meeting the guys aside from a few. Hey, free holiday! Plus like all reality shows they get paid. Hell I did jury duty and got paid more than my salary! I was only too happy it was dragged on for 6 months! I was Henry Fonda in 12 Angry Men god damn it!

First interview is Zoe and she thinks she’s in love with Doug because he looks like he could be her brother…and how is staying or going SUCH a ‘hard decision’?  Hell back in my 20’s I’d hang around anyone anywhere for a new experience! Oh Kangaroo Island, Airlie Beach etc – yes please! So Zoe’s caveman shows up meaning they are still a thing? Nat makes sure to kiss the guys on the cheek so she doesn’t seem like a slut wench – smart move. Turns out, on the shows budget, Ugg has been taking Zoe out on romantic thingies around the Barrier Reef.  Back to the studio and Nattie is all a gush (what’s new?) and predicts they’ll ‘go the distance’ – that obviously arouses them and bring on uncomfortable kiss. I stand by my twitter statement – chicks kissing each other is SO much sexier!

Next is Shelley – sorry Renee – who got REALLY lucky with Mitch! Renee is picky, a lot pickier than she really should be (what’s with that??). Know your limits ladies. So Mitch shows up and it’s all kind of awkward and weird. The more he compliments Renee the more she does stink face. Tip – ALL the guys mention sense of humour girls! Time to start watching Monty Python movies! Really – test their ‘sense of humour’ scale. ANOTHER awkward kiss….STOP IT! It’s now 4.42am (seriously) & my bitch of a cat is freaking out over the wind but I’ll continue like a soldier in the ditches! Sail/Sale in Victoria turned out to one of the more successful ‘scrag drop offs’ leaving two scrags behind which I think is BINGO! Renee hit herself in the face then had Reggie make her sick – so romantical! Then which I think is the best connection Abbey falls for Leigh the not gay hairdresser. They will make gorgeous babies. Take it from me ladies, everyone has faults, even you (shock horror) so stick with it, work it out! Abbey is all ‘he’s hot, love him’. Renee is all ‘yeah ok, he’s fine I guess’. Who will last – I wonder? So both guys of course are there. In comes Leigh and Reggie. Leigh is Abbey’s ‘smitten kitten fitten for some rootin’ and Reggie is….there.  Leigh and Abbey live on opposite sides of the country so guess it’s time for both of them to move to Alice Springs!  Nat Guzzlefuck asks Leigh to tell Abbey he loves her, but he doesn’t so there is that.

Reggie is a sweet guy and really quite sexy in that quaint way. Renee can’t see that really and doesn’t seem happy! Nat tries to talk this up but really doesn’t get the hint that Renee is really insulting Reggie in a round-about way!

Robukka/Repucca/Rycucca/Raapukka time! Last time I’ll have to think up crazy ways of spelling her name thank god! Rypukka tried to seduce all the guys because she’s a mega prick tease (oh get over it – did you see the footage of her in the ‘hope she shaved’ short skirt ‘going to work’ – oh please) even saying to one guy ‘I’m REALLY open to affection’ meaning ‘I’m up for anything for attention’. So she decided the girls that ‘stay’ get as much air time so stayed with Sam in Orange, the P.E teacher. No surprises Roobukkas news is a big shock (more air time) saying the evil Sam has pissed off overseas and dropped her like a hot scone to be somewhere else on a text message. Now this whole thing was set up (as it all was) as Nat gets to see this horrible text, Roopukka reads it out – and if you have ever seen Nicole Kidman in To Die For – that is Rubekka.  She plays the victim when she has really probably killed Sam and buried him in his backyard. Yes, when one cries, tears come next. Just weeping and putting your hands up over your eyes while sobbing is not crying. This whole thing is bullshit and I had people have a go at me on Twitter for saying that. Say what you will. I’ve been around long enough to know what it bullshit! Can we maybe hear from HIM? Yes every story has two sides (although seems depending on what that is about in Australia that goal post gets moved) so let’s hear from him?!? Bring on fake crying and drama – turns out the show knew she’d be perfect for that dramatic moment in the show! Well picked. Nat cannot even act well in this whole scene. Did they really need to do this?? And why was Nat not comfortable reading it out. Not like it said ‘piss off slut, you stink like poo – plus I just slept with your grandmother’.  None of this made any sense. Does anyone know Sam? Contact me if you do. Hell, I live close to Orange. Might go and do my own research. If you want me to stop Ch 9, send me ten thousand dollars in unmarked bills (not sure why that is required but sounds cool).

In Port Macquarie Shahid and Nikki go to Steph Walkers place for a party – ok not really. Nikki stayed with Shahid who was really quite hot and Nikki is…fit.  Everyone has good teeth so there is that! When Love Comes to the Dentist!  So that is it for the match ups. The rest of the failures – sorry singles – are hanging out in the Pyrmont bar while the couples kiss in front of them just to rub it in! Awe bless. And no I don’t want to see more of Roopukkieaaas heart breaking tale online. I’ll skip that thanks. And this new season of The Block Glasshouse looks SO pretentious and phoney – might have to review that if RR is ok with it! *If you want me to stop Ch 9 – employ me – it’s your only hope!*

See you on twitter!

June 25, 2014   23 Comments

Guest Post: Finale – When Love Comes – then goes – then comes again. Airlie Beach Qld. Part 1:

Australia’s answer to the Millionaire Matchmaker Gidgit Von La Rue is back with a guest post about the finale of When Love Comes To Town: 

So it’s the final kiddies. I’ve committed myself to doing the whole show because I should – and Masterchef predictably brought Sarah back so stuff them!

We have a lovely little recap of all the original singles on a bus and all the desperate male ruuuuural singles out there in the non-city areas of Australia. All the blokes want a sheila, and all the girls – well mixed reviews on why some of them got on the bus! We see for many romance has blossomed (eh they’ll do) and for most of the blokes who were crazy enough to sign up for this they were left in the dust of the bus, and many girls just went ‘nuh’ (pretty sure that’s what they said) and got back on the bus not happy with any of the options. Guessing it will come out that many of them DID like the guy but were not picked by him – lets see shall we?

Oh, and then there is a reunion! Sweet! It’s where Natalie Gruzzyerduds can put her top journalistic skills – oh, I mean asking the bleedin’ obvious and patronising every couple that stuck it out – in a thrilling interview of obvious questions, reactions and her ‘oh poor you’ and ‘goodness that’s sexy’ face – way. Look out Liz Hayes!

So there is still one final destination to Airlie Beach. I’ve been there. It’s hot, humid and I got my bag stolen from a Barrier Reef cruise – so it can get stuffed!  On the bus Nat asks Tash are men still a mystery. Actually no they are not. Men are simple, women are hard. Women don’t seem to get this. And yes, I’m a woman – well last time I checked.  You want to understand men, here you go. Tone down the analysing, tone down the complex thinking and reactions to everything – and just live, love, have fun and stop over thinking things. He’s not, trust me! (you are all welcome by the way!)  Next Natty talks to Jen the drink driver and talking of drivers they just showed the bus driver and pretty sure I saw him wearing ear plugs & rolling his eyes. Can we blame him?

Jen the drunk wants a ‘hairless gorilla’ which turns out spot on as in the next town there are two of them! Funny that. And funny how all the girls get a date – not like every guy in every town has picked the same girl over and over. Well done show – well done! Next Rat Nat talks to Ainslie who has left her job to do a study on ‘what it’s like being on a bus’ for her media course. Turns out all the girls love Airlie Beach because yet again it’s a gorgeous spot and I kinda miss the harshness of Farmer Wants a Wife. This was all a bit too plush and posh. Where are the dead cow bones & dust bowl remoteness?

We meet Kendell and Doug. Jen Sloshy tells us Doug better not have any hair on his chest or it’s a deal breaker (shallow) –  but forgets about the hair on her top lip she has to wax religiously every day! That could be a ‘deal breaker’ for him? Amy tells us something about hips but no worries there Amy – your hips are wide enough! Kendell gave up life as a chef to be an electrician in Airlie Beach. He likes to jet ski and fix wires. Doug has a bit of a cave man vibe about him and likes to fish and weld things. Is every ‘country’ guy blokey? Where are all the rural IT nerdy movie addict non-sporty types?? Oh that’s right, I’m dating one!

J.J makes a rather unsuitable sexual reference about pipes being unclean (we believe you) and all the girls choose either guy for the last time. Let me take some time here to remember – yes, I remember in my early 20’s when muscles and eye colour and how he dressed all really seemed to matter. Funny now, knowing it’s all so not important and that being attracted to your lover and best friend is vital. Why do all these famous guys play around on women like Beyonce, Elizabeth Hurley, Heidi Klum etc?  You know why. Because that shit all gets tired after a while. Like a view of the ocean. One day you wake up and say ‘eh, it’s just water – I’d like a snow capped mountain view now’.

For their group date Kendell is taking his chicks around the Whitsundays on a ship type thing. He fills them with some booze first and Tash is falling for the area (who wouldn’t?). Ainslie bonds with Kendell over age but Ainslie likes dating 15 year olds so doubt she’s going to stay. Next after the break Doug is taking his ladies out to feed them to man eating crocodiles! Should be good fun for us viewers, eh!

So Chardonnay Jen gets a seat next to Ugg on the crocodile feeding boat while Zoe from behind is pulling in her best moves about mud crabs (can’t blame her – I love them) and they are all pissed there are only small croc’s (sadly half the girls though they were going shoe shopping).  Doug’s a dag & makes a joke about god being spelt backwards or some shit but moron doesn’t bother Drunky Jen as he has muscles and tanned skin so that will do!

Back on a much nicer boat in much nicer water, Tash is wearing earrings that she could put her legs into so that appeals to Kendell as he takes her on a one on one (what do the other girls do when this goes on? Guess I’ll know once their TV contracts run out!) So Kendell and Tash are hitting it off, they high five (weird) and Kendell reveals he’s read a lot of relationship books which is where I’d throw myself overboard and take my chances with the reef sharks! But for Tash this turns her on. Ok I guess.

Back at croc city and Doug is feeding the girls food which is going down well. Urgh, just salad – I’d throw myself overboa…oh, not on the boat anymore. Zoe bonds with Doug over footy which works well. The other girls are pissed but not necessarily because Zoe is doing well with Doug – but salad!?!

Over on the reef and Kendell has done a runner in an outboard boat with the most popular girl with the boys even though she’s a picky bitch, wants some kind of magician type fella and just has a fetish for bus rides – Jess. I think a few of these girls are just in it for the experience for sure. Funny – all the guys go for the hot blonde – she knows it, we know it – damn prick tease. Next is Caitlin with Doug and he likes Princess Leia (tip Doug – she’s not looking so hot these days dude). I think if this show has proved anything is – whether natural, older, younger, glammed up – if you have a vagina they want you!

And we are back and it’s decision time for Kendell (still don’t think I’m spelling his name correctly) and seriously these guys would take all the girls if they could! Are these guys told who to choose? I have so many questions! Kendell harps on about magic man again and no wonder she’s single. At least J.J is a bit more down to earth about finding a guy! Tash and Ainslie are chosen. Over to Doug and he decides to hit a woman on the head with a log and drag her off to his cave. Ok not really. He chooses Jen and Zoe without giving any compliment to Amy. Alright maybe it was editing – but if he didn’t – what a goose! Girls – there is no ‘Mr Right’ – there are Mr Righte O’s. Date a lot. Be adventurous. Try the whole buffet before just saying you are only going to eat the satay meat skewers!

I think I missed my calling…

Over with Kendell and its overcast which is a bummer and they are on wave runners which are a heap of fun! Tash rocks onto the beach taking off her floaty vest looking all ‘bond girl’,  while Ainslie is naked??? Tradie Doug is off to Whitehaven beach with Zoe and Piss pot. Sadly there is a huge storm because, well it IS the tropics and all those gorgeous photos of sunshine and clear water are taken at a certain time of the year! They all play frisbee for some reason and Jen’s not happy with Doug not being built like Wolverine and Doug is not happy about Jen having a REALLY bad boob job (ok he didn’t really say that  – but I think they are awful) and god these guys are pushovers! Zoe is now just sitting and seething watching them draw in the sand like children but at least her tits don’t look like Candy Spellings!

Back to Ains, Tash & Ken doll and I think Ainslie is just in love with Airlie Beach, not the guy. (sorry Ainslie – I call it as I see it)  Tip Ainslie – I’m 43 and probably more immature and childish then you! Don’t think age matures people honey! It must be a looks thing. My tradie was 23 and more mature than most guys my age are now! I’m here to help!

At Doug city he’s chatting to Zoe on the beach while Tipsy Jen is playing with a stick in the ocean because….. ummmm….the producers told her to? Either that or she just lost her contact?  I will say Zoe and Doug could be brother and sister – no insult, just saying I can see EXACTLEY what their kids will look like! Sheesh pisspot – get out of the ocean. The salt water is melting your implants!

Kendell and Tash walk upon the beach past boob and nipple island (I shit you not, if you recorded it go back and look) Tash has been a few dates and reminds us that if she is going to stay it’s ‘carefully considered’ which means the producers tell the girls whether it’s worth staying or not – hey it’s the final – lets call a spade a spade! It’s all worked out a bit too ‘controlled’ (well it is channel 9) and lets break this down now as to what could go ‘wrong’ ok. What if:

2 girls end up staying with the one guy?

No girls want either guy and get back on the bus?

The guys find all the girls repulsive and don’t want any of them?

The guy just wants one girl and refuses to pick another?

One guy actually likes a girl that went with the other guy and says ‘can I have her instead?’

One of the guy roots one of the girls on the first night?

What if all the girls fancy just one of the guys and go to him, leaving the other with no one?

The list could go on as to the ‘natural’ things that could happen but as we all know it’s carefully controlled so they have a show and some girls stay, some go, there is drama, and both guys get nearly equal girls that go with them!

Back to the action! Kendell thinks he’s in like Flynn with Tash but I think Tash wanted Abby’s guy, plus she fesses up she loves her job, doesn’t want to move and WHY AGAIN DID THESE GIRLS GET ON THIS BUS??? It’s a holiday right?  Someone uses the word ‘romantical’ (sigh) and Kendell takes Tash and Ainslie out to sit at a table while the tide is moving in. Romantical!  Kendell has a pretty nice damn house (best one so far) and STILL not sure why some of these guys AND girls (ok just the guys) are single??? Over at Spa city (euw) Doug is bathing Zoe and Sloshy. Douggells is hot on Zoe as Jen is out of his league and less chance of Jen staying over Zoe (yeah I know you guys).  Coming up final decision then re-union which I’m going to break up to another article! Kendell tells Tash she is the one as she cuts the hell out of capsicum. She seems less than thrilled to be honest. I’m seriously starting to think these poor guys are being f*cked over a LOT more than the girls who knew what they were in for. Choice time and Ainslie and Tash leave Kendell in the mud and Jen rejects Doug – Zoe stays because she has to. Ainslie and Tash were not willing to ‘play ball’ it seems!  Girls – it’s an extended holiday in that area with a personal tour guide. Not like you have to root them! Roobukka got it! J.J got it! Seriously can Ch 9 do a show with all the ‘rejected guys’ to find them a girl? Do it! I’d watch! We know them now. We are invested. Make me program manager! At least program developer! I worked for Prime – it’s not THAT hard!

So the girls are on their way to the city for the reunion. Check up next article. I’ll leave RR to choose when to post them. Bring on The Bachelor! Meeoowwww.

 

June 25, 2014   9 Comments

Guest Post: When Love Comes To Town – Port Macquarie: J.J Returns (Why?

Apologies to Gidgit VonLaRue she sent this to me yesterday and I cut and paste it but forgot to press publish! For those who are still watching When Love Comes To Town you are going to love this recap:

This might be all over the place as my recording failed and just got the last end of the Big Bang Theory – the most confusingly unfunny show that continues to be really successful! Each to their own! So I’m watching it online, but hey, I’m doing it!

So the flange bus is off to beautiful Port Maquarie and Nat Gruzzwacker chats to Nikki who says she is pumped which is convenient seeing she’s a personal trainer. We also see that some past chick has escaped her capture and is now hitch hiking on the very road the bus is travelling on.  To be honest I thought it was going to be Rupucka but it’s J.J – the loud mouthed harlot from the very first episode. Not surprised the original girls are ok with her return while the new girls are all stink face. Turns out J.J. got sick of building chook sheds and riding on tractors….and Adam!

Seems the show has now disposed of the cheering locals as the girls get off the bus because lets face it – it was lame. The fresh meat are Stu, a keen golfer, and Shahid, a keen vet. I did like him saying ‘my day often revolves around animals’. Umm, you are a vet dude, I would HOPE that’s the case! Shahid is probably the most handsome guy they’ve had so far which is good because he’s a bit of a short arse.  Stu is actually a restaurant manager with aspirations of being a professional golfer. Yeah good luck with that. I want to be Miss Universe personally! Stu loves golf so much I suggest he put a dress on his 9 iron and marry that!

Shahid’s mob are taken to the beach for a camel ride and self confessed ‘animal lover’ J.J is the most terrified of the camels. So in other words when she says ‘animal lover’ she means dogs and cats – but anything else is just useless and scary? Why is she back again? But turns out the VET likes the girl that is the most scared of animals. *Note: the girls look like absolute nuffies with those spaz helmets on*  Shahid takes drink driver – sorry Jennifer – off for a walk for about 2 minutes thus resulting in her gushing over having the best date ever (was that even a date??) Next he wanders off to kick a ball around with J.J and turns out guys like girls with fun personalities (I’ve relied on that fact since I was 17 & it’s served me well)

Tash and Ainslie I think pretty much have tapped out so just hang on the beach looking at the waves. Nikki manages to get Shahid to take his shirt off & go for a swim so it’s looking like a 3 girl race. Over at Port Macquarie golf course and Stu is drooling over any woman who has a great golf swing. If that’s the case plenty of blue haired oldies looking for love here at Blackheath Golf Course, Stu! You’re welcome! Stu already had his peepers set on Caitlin from the get go so she’s a shoe in! Also turns out Amy doesn’t want to be a cat lady (which I would think is an expression getting very tired by women that own cats!)  Back at the beach and Shahid picks Nikki and J.J – much to the ‘what the’ of the other rejected girls – well Jennifer anyway. Tash & Ainslie just want to kick back at the hotel drinking cocktails and cracking onto the hot young bar tender.

Stu ends up picking Caitlin and Amy. Meanwhile in Orange Mitch and RENEE are still bonding even though he liked both his choices (awkward) then they pash in a vineyard and it’s over to Rybucca & Sam & Rupukka is amazed at the fact Orange isn’t just 3 pubs and a petrol station. Sam takes her to see his mum & his little step sister and I just can’t get around the fact Ruubikka just seems like she’s constantly putting on an ‘act’. It seems to work as Sam’s mum approves (cute looking grandkids she’s thinking – plus look at those breeder hips) & his step sister is covered in sand.

Back to PM and Amy thinks a romantic date is water – so Stu could have saved some dosh on renting the Chinese junk boat & just sat her next to a full bathtub. They do a ‘king of the world’ on the front of the boat and the solo dolphin rolls its eyes.  Meanwhile Nikki is jogging with Caitlin then over to Nikki’s date with Shahid where they go paddle boarding. He pushes her off because men never grow up then back on shore she makes him do push-ups to get a kiss when really he should be making HER do the push-ups in order to get a kiss from him! I’m really starting to see why so many of these sheila’s are single! Over at Stu city and he’s taken Caitlin to his family property of…trees?  Also what is with Caitlin and her desire to wear clothes the same colour as safety uniforms for road night workers?? They then go 4-wheel-driving in a converted golf cart and Stu has a stiffy. Then off swimming in a lake and I do like Caitlin’s swim suit. It’s sweet & nice not seeing ‘sexy bikini’ yet again. They both seem to be hitting it off and turns out Stu likes getting big ugly body tattoos.

In Orange Mitch and Renee head up to a field where some half rate opera singer appears like Jason in the Halloween movies to serenade Mitch, and scare the shit out of Renee. Mitch thinks its romantic and it sure is – if Renee was 70. After the scary opera encounter Renee still seems ‘eh’ about Mitch where I think she really needs to stop being so picky – seriously! She is so rude about the opera chick. Did your parents not teach you manners young lady? (yeah I know, pot calling kettle but I’m doing a review – she was there in front of the opera singer with the guy that organised it!)

Back in Port Dolphin and it’s back to Shahid’s pad and he fesses up he tongue snogged Nikki thus throwing fickle J.J into a spin where she just quits because how dare someone have a better date than her! At Stu’s pad he’s confused because neither Amy or Caitlin are golf clubs.  AGAIN the man cooks and are mum’s not teaching their daughters to cook anymore?? I’m fast forwarding this because well, there is another hour to review – which I’ll do in my 2nd part separate from this so reality ravings can beef out her blog! So J.J had piked (not on the show though obviously) and Natalie Grzzzzzzzzzzz shows up on the edge of a cliff to ask who wants to stay with who. Only two towns to go so these bitches better be staying! Result! Nikki stays with Vet boy and Caitlin stays with Tiger Macquarie.  Next town, same bitches, new boys…. See you there!

 

June 20, 2014   29 Comments

Guest Post: When Love Comes to Town – There is a sale on in Sale!

Since the Wednesday night episode of When Love Comes To Town was so good Gidgit is here with a belated recap:

We are informed straight out of the gate five new sheila’s are joining the pack – nice twist! Numbers were getting low and the piss up on the bus was getting pathetic I hear! So off to Sale which I’ve never heard of but is a few clicks from Melbourne it appears. Seems pretty! Where is the remote dust bowl town from hell? Still waiting!  Natalie Gruzzleduck hits the girls up in the bus as to what they are expecting. A bloke Nat, a damn bloke! That’s the whole reason for the show! Turns out the girls are onto the show’s ploy of ‘something happening’ as Jess fesses up ‘yeah, we know shit is going down’ or something along those lines. Oh, and god Australia is beautiful. We are so lucky!

Another ‘rent a crowd’ is rolled out for the girls stepping off the bus like it’s returned gold medallist Olympians on the bus. Time to ‘mix things up’ and bring out the next lot of single ladies – wham! Golf claps all around. Jennifer is pointed out as hot as hell (the others – eh) and turns out she’s there to meet a man – not take over driving the bus it seems. Shock! At this moment it’s like a short skirt hot girl face off – and don’t the residents of Sale love it! (Turns out there was not much else to do in Sale that day).  Rubuccie is not happy and says ‘anyone that beautiful obviously has an ugly personality that counter acts that’. Paging pot calling kettle, pot calling kettle – there is a phone call for you.

Out comes Leigh and Reggie. Leigh is a rural hipster grubby musician type and Reggie is just rural. It turns out Leigh is a hairdresser which means he has a salary – and is in a band which means he makes no salary.  Tash pips up with interest which seems to eventually work. Reggie is 25 and owns a gym & has a twin brother – threesome! Has anyone noticed ALL these guys have dogs?  Reggie is REALLY ‘rural speaking’ so it’s going to all be ‘you’s’ and ‘fair dinkum’ crap. New girl Amy is ‘healthy’, Nikki is a personal trainer so there’s that, Caitlin doesn’t want a tosser so goes to the musician (?), Zoe has thighs that could crush a skull and Jennifer is….how is she single? She must be one mental case or just ultimately picky – seriously! Leigh is immediately smitten with Abbey so why waste all this time?  He says ‘her’ – she says ‘him’ – cut this show down to half an hour and my review back to one paragraph! Please!

So being an avid gambler, Reggie takes his ladies to the Sale Turf Club & brings the girls out booze. That’s when Renee comes out with, about Nikki, ‘resting bitch face’. Brilliant!  Reggie is meeting all the girls solo while the others howl and woot at the horse race.  Reggie can see himself with new girl Zoe – but lets face it none of them have said ‘well I can’t see myself with them’. It’s just do you pick the chocolate éclair or chocolate sundae?  Leigh takes his chicks to the local bowls club which scares the oldies who race inside out of fear. Girls are a tad dolled up for the local oldies bowls club – pair of jeans and a nice top would do but I’m guessing the producers of this show are all ‘dress up bitches’. I like to think they talk like that for my amusement.  Rippikka every so often slips into a bad American accent – anyone else notice that?  New girl Jennifer has an amazing body. She’s 24 and is studying something – who cares. She’s a fitness freak so that more eyes are on her body!  Tash flashes her gash trying to compete and the old blokes have suddenly all emerged from the bowls club back on the greens! Tash is already smitten. Greasy hair styling muso’s are her type it seems.

Back at the race track and god this is a long episode. Jess REALLY likes Reggie who ends nearly everything he says with ‘aye’ and has a snaggle tooth. I just call it as I see it folks.

We see Amy is a property manager and wants to meet the man of her dreams (who doesn’t exist) and doesn’t want to be a crazy cat lady (start buying your first kitten honey). On her date with Reggie she’s really not enjoying it basically saying she’s sick of dating country boys so again not sure why she signed up for this show?  She should have faked needing to poop to get out of it – but she hangs in there. Shelley is doing better by not hating Reggie which helps! ‘His’ horse was last and it was a ‘shockin’ ride’.

Over at the thrilling bowls club Leigh is cooking up a BBQ and Ainslie likes him because he looks like he’s 19 – and there are sausages on the grill. First in – first served! We don’t see anyone eating the BBQ because now it’s time for Leigh to call bingo with Abbey which is just weird, awkward and the mobile old people are now wishing they were locked up in a retirement home rather than put up with this rubbish! Leigh is smitten by Abbey and Abbey hates facial hair but seeing she’s single she better lower her standards regarding facial hair. Maybe he hates Halloween sexy secretary looks Abbey – ever thought about THAT!

Reggie’s women are about to be chosen and Jess has a real thing for him – unfortunately.  Reggie is struggling saying ‘I can’s only pick two of yous’ – and picks Shelley (go girl – ok you asked me to be nice) and Zoe. Jess is crushed as she really thought ‘he was the one’ but plenty more rrrrural guys being carted out in your future!

Leigh has to choose and pretends it’s hard but Abbey has made him feel all funny in his fender Stratocaster so he picks her.

He also picks Tash who is honoured, but Ainslie is burnt yet again and has a bit of a cry and maybe she should put her attention back to city boys. The country boys suck! Just go hang out at some high schools! As long as they are 18 & over it’s all legal – I think?

It’s Leigh’s date with Abbey and he takes her to his hairdressing saloon where she is scared he is going to wet her hair as if he does she’ll melt ala Wicked Witch from The Wizard of Oz?? Seeing Abbey likes the ‘side hair’ style (I don’t get that look at all) he decides to be kind and just do corn rows – later they go to pick a bale of cotton and eat some watermelon. Abbey says ‘I’m worried about him washing and blow drying my hair and still being manly’ = ‘I hope he’s not a poof’. She does ask him that in a really awkward way. Why not just say ‘are you gay?’ If he turns and bitch slaps you and says ‘girl, I’m SO not’ – then yes he is. Problem solved. Abbey tells us she won’t be getting back on the bus because she doesn’t have to pay $450 to get her hair done anymore!

Reggie is showing off to Renee he can play tennis, which really is pointless and would be better showing off on a rug on the beach having a shag! It’s not try outs for the Grand Slam but it’s obviously show filler!  Renee smartly injures herself to get out of playing tennis by smacking herself in the head so it’s all good!  And why are there peacocks standing around the court – is this Downton Abbey? Are they in the botanical gardens? Where are they? Peacocks everywhere! And Renee you are being a bit bitchy hon – what do you want me to say? Send options to: What a bitch Renee is to 00985 731 or Renee has every right to be protective of the man she now loves to 00985 732. (These phone numbers don’t exist so don’t even try – I did – they didn’t work. I think they were a sex line for ‘I love grannies’)

Over at music central Leigh is showing off to Tash how cool he is. Male hair dresser that isn’t gay – isn’t that showing off enough? But no, he is in a band and plays electric guitar and is all cool and shit. Tip – musicians are great to have woo you and one night stand – but unless they are in AC/DC – yeah, one night stand girls. *although turns out being married to drummer in Silverchair has it’s pro’s!*  Turns out Tash is falling for not-gay hairdresser as he does seem rather cool if he just washed HIS OWN HAIR! Brush would not hurt either. Leigh shows he can play guitar, Tash throws her hair around.

At new girl central Zoe is being taken for a drive by Reggie to a pub – because it’s the country & there are twenty pubs to each town (I did variety club bash – I know this for a fact!)  So they get to the pub and have….coffee? What the? Then Reggie hits the piano and he can’t play for shit and Zoe has earrings on so she can communicate with aliens?

Over to Leigh and Tash the dancer is teaching him to dance and I’ve noticed even though I write this review they won’t put my tweets on screen. They are gold twitter picker – GOLD! Now Leigh is…singing? Stick to the hair and guitar dude. Tash also fesses up she won’t get on the bus so this should get interesting!  First time this has happened so Leigh must have a huge dong.

Meanwhile we are over to Charlie and Jemma walking down a pier. Jemma fesses up she adores her son and again why leave him for so long? No single local blokes where you live? And why is it always the guys cooking? I’d be taking over that kitchen like Gordon Ramsay on speed! So Jemma and Charlie smooch but no doubt she’s kissing thinking about her 7 year old son – euwww.

Back to Leigh’s love pad where both girls adore him and don’t want to get back on the bus because they are sick of the movie ‘The Notebook’. At Reggie’s place he brings his ladies to his family home where he said he told his family to buzz off but of course they are all there because the show told them to be there. AWKWARD! Off to the caravan family. Turns out Reggie’s mum is happy with her son having a threesome. Reggie’s dad has a horn for both girls and thinks he’s in with a chance. Kinky family! Spa time in hot murky water (I don’t get the spa thing – would you get in a hot bath after someone else has bathed? Yeah, it’s the same thing!) Zoe makes her get away as she has an itch, leaving Renee with Reggie to bond and get infected. Reggie does have a lovely hairy chest – I like that.

At Leigh’s place he’s fucking around with the fire outside for no reason while Tash and Abbey sit inside trying to figure out who would win in a fist fight. Shit is getting complicated!  Back from break and Leigh win’s me over simply by not wasting champagne while opening it. Good boy. Leigh dances which makes things more awkward it seems.  It was pretty crap let’s be honest.  Abbey makes a bee line to the loo (I guess) saying ‘may the best woman win’ which, well, I like her style. No one likes two people exactly the same – they are always going to fancy one more than the other – fact! He even admits he likes one more than the other. That’s life.

Over at Reggie’s place and AWE he has such a cute dog! Well enough of that, back at Leigh’s and he’s pretending to find both girls even because producers told him to say that to make it more tense. Leigh takes Abbey for a walk on the beach and literally says ‘stay – oh please stay’. And boy that’s a nasty rip but enough of Bondi Rescue! Another ‘lame’ kiss and where do the other girls go that are not picked? And what if all four girls choose to stay? Where does Natalie Gruzzpatch stay? Alright now over to who stays and who goes. Leigh has still not brushed his hair. Tash is up first and looks like she’s going to stay (awkward) but Tash is no dumb dumb and decides to get back on the bus. Can I say Tash is ROCKING that tight white dress! Yowza! I love how all these girls harp on about a sense of humour but show no sense of it what so ever! Abbey stays and has horrible back tattoo’s and next is Reggie.  Thunder thighs decides to leave as well as she’s new and plenty more men out there to crush with her thighs – and amaze balls, ANOTHER girl stays! Renee stays with Reggie and turns out when the men are out bowling and gambling on horses – Abbey & Renee can go out for cocktails together! Sweet.

Next week the new girls take on the ‘old’ girls, Leigh is falling for Abbey and vice versa and there is a steam boat thingie. Bring it on!

Signing out (and sorry for the late read but better late than never) – Gidgit Von LaRue.

 

June 6, 2014   68 Comments

Guest Post: When Love Comes To Town – All Roads Lead To Robe!

Gidgit VonLaRue is this sites reality dating show specialist and she continues to turn her acerbic wit to When Love Comes To Town.

Over to Gidgit:

The bus is off to Robe on South Australia’s lime stone coast.  It’s Ainslie’s 36th birthday and we are yet reminded again she’s the eldest girl on the bus (aside from Natalie Grizzledock I guess) and I hope they got Ainslie a walking frame and some depends. We are also reminded Tash has not been picked yet to go on a date so let’s all point and laugh? I’ve also noticed they are not really going to any remote dust patch middle of no-where end of the earth places. They all seem rather quite pleasant! Robe is populated by 1000 people who are carted out to greet the girls again looking confused, but hey the kids got free balloons!

We are told there are a lot of dogs…I’ll leave that one alone. Jemma reminds us YET again she has a son (quick someone give her a trophy) and I really hope she stays with one of the guys as I’m over hearing it. If you love him so much why trolly your booty on some show that keeps you away from him for so long?

Bill and Charlie are presented – eh. I’d be back on the bus asking the driver to put on The Notebook dvd. Charlie is a surf coach (and a bit wiry for a man) and owns/runs – hell I don’t know – some multi million dollar cow ranch set up.  He doesn’t like ‘showing that off’ but seeing he’s desperate enough to come on this show, he might want to use the ‘I’m rich’ as the first words out of his mouth! Bill is a balding 33 year old fisherman. He likes to sit on the beach on his own watching Charlie surf? (I’m seeing a pattern in these men) Natalie Grudgematch asks Bill about a life at sea and getting lonely, but you do know he goes out in the morning and comes back that same day Nat? It’s not Deadliest Catch!

Jessica goes with Bill saying about Charlie she ‘doesn’t like jeans with thongs’. Bet she’s regretting judging money bags on that. He could buy her all the magic tricks she wants! The girls again evenly spread their ‘love’ to either man. For Bill’s herd he takes them out on his fishing boat to go cray cray fishing. He’s the first to give all the girls individual roses which means he REALLY wants to make this work – hell these guys are rural – they all do!  Riibukka slides into the driving seat to get closer to the camera – I mean Bill – and I’m sure she’s familiar with a speed controller stick! She again acts all flirty & cheeky knowing full well she’s taking this damn bus to the end! But the attention is nice all the same! Prick tease.

Over on the beach Charlie is teaching his ladies how to surf. Renee fesses up she’s crap at sport but she’s not there to compete in the Olympics, she’s there to find a bloke! Renee comes from rural blood which impresses Charlie who not only has multi millions – but multi coloured teeth I’ve noticed. Renee doesn’t like a man too smart it turns out so she should really be hunting for guys on Bogan Hunters!

On the cray boat Abbey catches Bill’s eyes but she’s been picked before so producers would be in his ear telling him who to choose no doubt. Abbey is scared of lobsters because she’s a city girl and we don’t get lobsters in the city?? Has she never picked one from the tank in a Chinese restaurant? It’s the best fun! God I hate this ‘oooh I’m scared’ girls. Bucker up. It’s a lobster, not a tiger shark!

Back to the beach and Ainslie knows how to put a wet suit on and Renee doesn’t. Jemma is on the surf board screaming ‘I have a 7 year old son!’  Ainslie whisks Charlie away and it’s all going smoothly and really well and this could really – oh how old is she? 36? Sorry Ainslie, Charlie wants a prolific breeder plus he is really shallow seeing he looks like a muppet. Pssst Charlie – ‘older girls’ are better in bed dude. Your loss.

On the love boat Bill has cooked up some lobster and is serving it with champagne. Hell, I’LL marry you dude! Tash has never had lobster before but she has had crabs so there’s that! Tash finally gets ‘Bill time’ and is just down to earth and not phoney at all. All you guys that passed on her missed out!

Charlie takes the chicks back to his beach hut right on the beach. Ainslie can see herself raising rugrats there and Jemma gets some Charlie time. I thought she was an art teacher, but now she’s a yoga teacher and high school teacher – leaving off the ‘art’ bit. She reveals a big shock – she has a 7 year old son! Wha what?? Charlie scampers. Ok not really but the ‘kid card’ always shocks dudes that have not already had kids – just a tip! Still Charlie is feeling her vibe it seems. What’s with the ‘older’ chicks always picking the younger guys, and the younger chicks picking the older guys??

So time for Bill to pick and he picks ‘me me me’ Ruubukka and FINALLY Tash gets picked. Phoney Vs Genuine. Lets see who wins!? FIGHT! Abbey comments Bill will have his ‘hands full’ really meaning Ripukkia is high maintenance so good luck dude!  Back at Charlie Cove he picks Renee who really needs to buy some mascara  and ‘I have a 7 year old son’. Ainslie is upset as she really liked Charlie (not sure why – maybe she knew he was rich?)

Meanwhile we return to Minderella (bwahahahaha) with Andy the wine maker in the Barossa Pissup. Andy surprises Mindy with a hot air balloon ride, obviously hoping it will make her ride something hot later on. He says it’s cold and needs a cuddle and Mindy reacts like she’s being felt up by someone with leprosy! Back on the ground Andy pandy is trying to make Mindy poo’s drunk with wine while touching up her leg and again she can’t even look him in the eyes while faking ‘boy I’ll be sad to go’ while literally packing her bags in her mind.  She’s on the verge of saying ‘look bud, I got no television time, they told me to stay here as one girl ALWAYS has to stay behind – get your fucking hand off my leg you leech’.

Charlie is busy taking Jemma and Renee back to his cattle farm to do shit crap farming work because lets face it, he’s such a romantic! Charlie reveals he has lots of cows and lots of farms. Turns out the 1000 cows everywhere was no alert to Jemma as she asks what type of farm it is. It’s a walnut farm Jemma – the cows are wild! Next Renee drives the yute while Jemma climbs onto the back to ‘hand feed’ the cows the hay. This seriously cracked me up. Rather than push the bails off the back of the truck like anyone with a GOD DAMN BRAIN IN THEIR HEAD WOULD DO – she pulls off little bits of hay like she’s feeding a mouse. I had to watch this a few times as it did hit my funny bone! As I tweeted ‘I’m a city girl born and bred and even I know how to do all this farming stuff’! Have they never watched movies or TV shows or been to the country?? My dad took me to El Cabballo Blanco when I was 12 god damn it (yep that’s how old I am!) It never really DID feel like you were living in Spain – but the horses were nice.

Back in town Roobeeka gets taken four wheel driving by Bill who just does it to see her tit’s juggle up and down constantly and DUDE stop looking at them. You are on camera! We can ALL see. I’m amazed he didn’t crash he was perving so much. They get to the most beautiful bay I think I’ve seen and it reminds me Colonel and I must really eventually drive around Australia. Promise I’ll film it. Should be amusing!  On the beach Bill asks Rubbukka if she’d move for love and she pretty much replied ‘nope’. Then he calls it quits and she reveals she’s been fucked over before by a guy. Welcome to life honey! Now jiggle your way back to town because you are OUT! Over with Charlie Brown and he’s making ‘I have a son’ clean out a shitty cow drinking trough. Oh you smooth operator. Jemma gets sludgy cow shit all over her hand then it’s time for lunch! Jemma reminds us AGAIN she likes yoga yadda yadda and turns out her son is actually a hobby of hers – like painting or collecting fingernail cuttings? That’s just weird.  10 more years and he’ll be dropping you like a turd from giraffe’s ass to run off with some girl called Mindy (or boy called Mike – lets face it – single mum – no other kids!)  And why do none of the girls play with the dogs? I love dogs. I’d be spending more time with them than the guy!

Back from break and I’ve run out of my favourite wine so have to drink the slosh someone gave me for Christmas that tastes like cow piss. Eh, it’s booze.  Tash is duding herself up to go out on a solo date. Bill is taking Tash for a ‘stroll’ – where’s the jiggle mobile Bill? Bill and Tash grab some fish and chips and just feed the damn seagulls already! It’s turning into Hitchcock’s The Birds!  Tash fesses she could and would move (unlike Roopukka) & Bill is stoked!

Charlie is still working his girls and I’m starting to think some of these guys just need some farm work done for free! Charlie & Renee have a water fight which should have been sexy but was more like 6 year olds playing with hoses in the back yard. Charlie soaks Renee with his love hose.  Over at Bill’s place and he’s taken the girls to some faux Mexican cantina to meet family & friends. Tash fits in like she’s the bell of the ball while Bill’s friends stare at Roobukka’s tits. Ribbukka is not comfortable at this get-together as there are now too many people stealing her spotlight. And I’m not sure what she was doing with that curly blonde headed toddler but he’s running away from her pretty damn quick!

Charlie is having dinner with his girls. Yeah that’s about it really. Let’s get back to the action at Bill’s place and turns out Bill paints like a kinky kid! Now it gets good – Bill is all over Tash and Ribukka is ‘just not used to not having everyone’s attention on her all the damn time’ – oh plus she’s vegetarian so the dish of abalone is not making her happy, oh and the shit painting Bill painted looks like Tash he thinks (poor Tash). Reminder Bukka – you clearly told Billy boy you would NOT move to be with any man away from home. You were OUT the minute you said that, no matter how much you jiggle your fun bags! He wants a keeper, not a teaser!

Meanwhile Charlie is on the beach with Jemma sitting in front of an open fire and where can you keep doing this? I know you can’t go light an open fire on NSW beaches!! I can’t even light a fire in my damn backyard!

Over at drama central and Bill’s attention to Tash is freaking Roopuka out because she’s not being drooled all over. She’s literally having an ego melt down. It’s not water she needs Bill – it’s more air time and a mirror. Reepugga ends up going to bed and crying and we just see a door handle crying which is weird.  In the Barossa Drunk Hub Mindy is being driven around in a sporty convertible by Andy. Mindy does have her hand on his leg but I think she just wants to keep it close to the hand break because he’s driving like a tool.  So Mindy is off – cue awkward closed mouth, not even really on each other’s lips – kiss.  Seriously don’t bother Andy. Move on dude. She’s a no go.

FINALLY decision day!!  One girl stays – guessing it now. Natalie Grossplonk shows up to go through the ritual.  Bill’s left holding the crayfish when both girls turn him down. I’m pissed they didn’t show Roopukas face while Bill was basically saying ‘I want Tash’. Bad editor – very bad editor! We swim in the misery of others – didn’t you watch Australian Story the other night? Sheesh.

I will say Tash really had to think about whether to plonk herself back on the bus or not, but Bill’s bald so bus city it is! Next is Charlie and guessing Jemma will stay but they ‘threw me’ a bit as she was 3rd girl to decide, and she does stay. Leaving Renee to – well say she’s off because why would she stay? Like she’s going to be the third wheel? And yes you do need to get over being picky Renee. If you saw the chart of guys I’ve dated etc, none of them looked the same! It’s about finding your best friend you want to fuck. *Quote from the bible.*

Tonight the show brings in some more slappers and it’s old bus girls Vs new bus girls and some long haired hippie dude. This is going to get good! See you then.

Gidget Von Larue signing off.

 

June 4, 2014   36 Comments