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Category — olympics

Guest Post: The Corker’s Olympics – The Opening Ceremony

Again the Corker’s are back with their take on the Opening Ceremony which very entertaining it must have been amazing to actually be there.

The Games of the XXX Olympiad  – A bit of history:

The Olympic symbol is 5 intertwined rings to represent the unity of the five inhabited continents: America, Africa, Asia, Australasia and Europe .The colours of blue, yellow, black, green and red over a white field were chosen because every nation has at least one of them on its national flag. The Olympic flag was adopted in 1914 and first flown at the 1920 Summer Olympics in Antwerp, Belgium.

The Corkers set the alarm and got up at 5:20 on Saturday morning to watch the Opening Ceremony an event that pretty much creates the atmosphere and whets the appetite for the coming competition.

Now over to Darren and Karen for their reactions to the Opening Ceremony –

D: Geez, I feel like a Redneck this morning…I’ll go and grab one, Kaz.

K: Don’t be bloody stupid Daz its 5.30am, that’s a bit early, even for you. I’ll make us both a coffee.

D: Okay then, killjoy. Make mine a black, please.

K: Here, now shut up it’s already started.

D: What’s the bet these Poms couldn’t organise a root in a brothel? These perishers need Craig Thomson to help ‘em out.

K: Oh, I just loved that camera panning down the Thames Daz – did you see Pink Floyd’s pig flying over that power station?

D: Nah, I missed it. I’m just another brick in the bloody wall, I am. I’ll rewind it later.

K: Too busy talking as usual. Wow, there’s your TDF hero Bradley Wiggins Daz and he’s gonna ring that bloody big bell!

D: Yes Kazza, he looked like an anorexic canary going like a shower of shit up those Alps. Make sure this is recording, cos later we can burn some DVD’s of this and flog ’em at work. That bell is a bit AC/DC but a good Aussie idea for ya. The grassy knoll and the tree look alright too.

K: Oh listen to those kids singing will you? Jerusalem builded here? Those words don’t sound right to me and oh now Danny Boy and look there’s Wind in the Willows, Winnie the Pooh, Edinburgh Castle, soccer. They’ve sure remembered everything and yes that tree must be the tree of knowledge I’d reckon. Oh look now, the tree’s coming up out of the big mound and there’s smoke and people coming out. That’s so spacey hey?

D: Yeah Kaz, I love Wind in the Willows. Looks like those blokes are playing cricket, it’d be before they invented Bodyline though. You can bet London to a brick they won’t be celebrating that. Haven’t seen the Queen yet. What’s goin’ on?

K: I heard the Queen wasn’t going to open the games and they talked about Charles and his dog doing the honour. I hope she does turn up; after all it’s her Gold Jubilee year isn’t it? Hey all those people coming out of the mound are pulling the village green apart and carrying it off. Talk about a different way of doing a set change, I never would have thought of that. Look, now there are chimneys and other stuff coming out of the ground for the industrial era. Love those drummers too and isn’t it good they’ve given parts in this show to all the different ethnic groups who live in Great Britain now? Good on them, it probably wouldn’t happen here.

D: What the Dickens was the Industrial Resolution they’re talking about, Kaz? Keep it simple ya Poms or we’ll switch over to ABC 24 so I can perv at their weather girls.

K: That’s when they went from farming to manufacturing you dumb arse; didn’t you pay attention at school? There’s so much going on it’s hard to take it all in Daz. Hey, that must be a tribute to The Beatles, all those Sgt Pepper’s uniforms, how cool is that and those funny button people, I forget what they’re called but they have buttons sewn all over their clothes.

D: Kaz, Sgt Pepper’s was one of my favourite records ever. They said it was great to listen to on acid but I had a real bad trip, cos I used battery acid from my old man’s car, but they’re right, you’re never the same again. There were all these clues on Sgt Pepper’s about Paul McCartney being dead. I can’t wait to see him. I heard he got a guernsey for tonight. Gee, this stuff is taking me back.

K: There now you can see what the Industrial Revolution was about, that river of red hot steel flowing through the arena and making a circle at the end. What’s the bet they do something with that circle later and make it into one of the Olympic rings?

D: No flies on these Poms, Kaz, they’re clever bastards. You’re all over this historical stuff, love…

I’m so glad your father forced me to marry you, not saying that shotgun had anything to do with it either.

K: Look Daz look, what did I tell you, the flaming ring is rising up out of the arena and it’s being joined by the other rings now and they’re all changing into colours.

D: Speaking of burning rings, Kaz, have you seen me haemorrhoid ointment? These piles are a real pain in the arse. I’ll go check in the glove box, maybe it’s in there.

K: I probably overdid the chilli powder in the tacos last night love, although I know that can still upset your piles. Why would you have your ointment in the car for God’s sake?

D: The Scouts taught me to always be prepared and that cream is bloody good for staunching shaving cuts and all kinds of small lacerations. I got used to keeping it in the car in case I copped a few nicks at footy training or in fights at the Rissole after games.

K: Hey isn’t that the James Bond actor driving in to Buck Palace? Wonder what’s going on now? Ha, he’s been taken into a room with the Queen. I bet that’s just the Pommy actress who always impersonates the Queen. See, she’s not even turning around. Whoa – hang on it is her Daz, it’s the bloody Queen and her cute little Corgis are there too. How good is that? Now they’re getting into a helicopter FFS and it’s taking off. OMG Daz look the Queen jumped out, I wonder if that’s the actress now. I don’t think the Queen would be up for a parachute jump for God’s sake.

D: That’s not the real James Bond, love. You’re talking about Sean Cannery, aren’t ya?

Those Corgis are fat as butter. Pig’s arse they’ve got a dog’s life, looks like the mongrels have got the run of the joint. They said this is Her Majesty’s first acting role, ever. You reckon that’s a stuntwoman jumping out of the chopper? Sucked in, Kazza. I’ll fire up crotch cam and see if I can get a gawk at the Royal Box as she lands.

K: Go on, you’re horrible talking about the Queen like that Daz and no I don’t mean Sean Connery – not Cannery you idiot. You’re so far behind the times you are Daz, that’s Daniel somebody. He’s been James Bond for a couple of years now. Sean Connery is so old he’s probably dead by now. Look there’s the Queen now with Prince Phillip, so you’re right Daz, it must have been her jumping out of the chopper; otherwise how would she get there that quickly?

D: Told ya Kaz. I’d do a better job of this than Eddie Maguire. I don’t believe him for a second, he’s just making up the numbers.

K: Yeah he’s an idiot for sure. Ever notice how he always turns up whenever there’s something special happening? Oh Daz, they’re singing the God Save the Queen and those kids in their pyjamas are singing it in deaf signing; how good is that? I’m tearing up I tell you Daz.

D: There darl, have a tissue; I haven’t used it – much. This is tearing me heart out, too.

K: Yuck, thanks but no thanks, I’ll pass on that offer. Who’s Mike Oldfield Daz, he’s playing Tubular Bells? I’ve heard of that but I haven’t heard of him.

D: He’s a reclusive musician/composer type, Kaz, plays every instrument known to humanity. He must be shitting concrete out there but he’s hitting some awesome licks. His music was used in The Exorcist, remember, where that demon possessed girl’s head was spinning round, chucking pea soup everywhere?

K: No I don’t remember and I didn’t like that movie anyway.

D: It was heaps better than Steel Magnolias, no risk.

K: All those poor kids are supposed to be in hospital hey and the doctors and nurses are jiving. I’d love to learn how to jive properly. I think I might go to dance classes. Would you come with me if I did Daz?

D: Sure love, but I might need a few heart starters before I start cutting any rugs. Alright to take a few Rednecks with me, otherwise I could struggle?

K: No that wouldn’t be alright, I don’t want you falling about and embarrassing me.

D: Who the f*** do you take me for? Karl Stefanovic!

K: Never mind, we’ll talk about it later. Now we’ve got all the kids story book characters coming on. Peter Pan, Charles Dickens, Alice, Harry Potter, this is excellent. Hang-on, those scary black monsters will give the kids frigging nightmares, how dumb is that?

D: You mean Alice Cooper, Kaz? Peter Pan was a bloody racehorse won a Melbourne Cup. These Poms are startin’ to stretch it a bit.

K: What are you raving about Daz, Alice in Wonderland you dick and Peter Pan wasn’t a bloody racehorse he was a story book character. Mary Poppins is poppin’ in now on a 727 brolly flight, lol.

D: The nostalgia is getting to me, Kaz, can I have that tissue back? Pity they don’t make films like that anymore, just crap like The Shire is all you get now.

K: I didn’t even touch your filthy tissue, it’s there beside you. The London Philharmonic Orchestra is going to play Chariots of Fire. I love that song. Is that Mr Bean Daz? I didn’t know he could play the piano – wow.

D: It is Mr bloody Bean!

K: Ha, he’s only playing one note, even I could do that!

D: Mr Bean hasn’t said a word but he’s a show stealer, no risk. Talk about pissing myself laughing, I think I’ve had a little accident, Kaz. I’ll go and turf these jocks in the washer.

B: Hey guys I saw your lights on. What’s happenin’?

K: Yeah come in why don’t you Baz and don’t bother knocking? It’s the Opening Ceremony, so sit down and shut up.

B: How are they hangin’, Daz? Got a beer?

D: No Baz, it’s too early even for you, ya bludger. Kaz, make Baz a coffee will ya.

K: Shh, oh wow Daz, all your favourites darl, The Stones, The Beatles, Bowie, The Kinks, The Sex Pistols, Led Zeppelin and OMG Queen, its Queen doing Bohemian Rhapsody, swoon.

B: They’re all my favourite bands Kaz, nevva mind Dazza!!  Geez, what’ve I been missin’. So it’s worth getting up at sparrow’s fart to see these legends get the accolades they deserve hey Daz. These Brits know how to get a kick arse rock and roll band together, don’t they? I can feel meself going off like a bucket of prawns in the sun. I gotta dance Kaz, this is rock and roll heaven!

K: Careful you big oaf, watch what you’re doing will you.

B: Oh shit sorry, I busted your vase Kaz.

K: Idiot. The teams are coming out now I want to see what they’re wearing. Those Albanian girl’s skirts are way too tight and too short hey? They look like a bunch of scrubbers.

B: An’ don’t those Armenian blokes look bloody scary, likely to slit your throat before ya could say “medal”.

K: You two just be quiet for a while so I can give the readers a run down on what everyone is wearing.

K: Here comes Australia. Love the blazers, very English and the return to green is sensible. The girls have a gold scarf too, nice touch. Not sure about those white daks though.

D: Man listen to that dropkick Eddie going on about every friggin’ medal Australia has ever won will you? The competition hasn’t even started for anyone else yet Eddie, ya fool.

K: I don’t like Brazil’s flag; it always reminds me of a company logo or something.

D: Yeah, it’d make a good bbq cover though.

K: Burkina – I’ve never heard of that but look how colourful their outfits are. And Burundi, very ‘baby shit yellow’ colour, not nice. Here’s Cameroon now and the kaftan is making a comeback.

D: Any fool can don a used nappy and call it a uniform these days, Kaz.

K: Cape Verde, I’ve heard of that and look there’s only about eight of them. It must be so hard in those small, poor countries to train and get a team together. Good on them.

D: Bloody hell, look at the bloke carrying China’s flag will ya? He must be 7 bloody foot tall.

B: Yeah, they’ve probably had a secret breedin’ program for basketball players up in the mountains of Sand Shoe province, lol!

K: Listen to that dick Eddie now – he said China has 14 less athletes than us at these games, so Australia have got them covered. How can anyone pay that idiot?

B: He’s Packers’ bum boy Kaz, didn’t ya know?

K: OMG look, Cook Islands and there’s only 2 of them plus the flag carrier.

D: They look as lonely as bastards on Father’s Day Kaz. They won’t win jack.

K: What was that team before Croatia? I loved the girl’s skirts!

D: Buggered if I know Kaz. Neither do Eddie and Leila.

K: Congo God bless them, some of the small African nations have had such a hard time of it for so long, it’s a wonder they can raise a team either. I’m tearing up again.

B: Look at that flag girl from Djibouti will ya Daz? What a stunner!

K: See that, Fiji and then Finland marching in one after the other, but worlds apart on the map hey?

D: FFS, Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia – is that the name of a country?

K: Georgia, go Alice!

D: Is that Alice Cooper again Kaz?

K: No Daz, Alice from Masterchef was from Georgia. Look at Germany will you, pink for the girls and blue for the boys. Those colours just don’t go with their flag one little bit.

D: Yeah, people reckon Germans have got no sense of humour but they’ve dug deep there.

K: Wow! Guyana sure stands out; yellow suits with red shirts and red suits with yellow shirts.

D: You’re all over this fashion like a dose of crabs Kaz.

K: Go Ireland yay. Don’t like that tone of green with the grey duds though.

B: Kazakhstan, where’s Borat? Lol.

K: Kiribati’s outfits look like sailor suits.

D: The poor buggers will be all at sea in this comp anyway.

K: Latvia looks very nice with cream tops and maroon bottoms. And I missed that countries name, the one before Mauritius, but they were each wearing something different.

D: Yeah, looks like they haven’t got a pot to piss in either.

K: Look at Mexico, they’re so colourful. I reckon they win the fashion comp.

D: What’s with all the super tall flag bearers? Must be the year of the basketballer, lol.

K: That dumb arse Eddie again. He has to mention apartheid when South Africa comes out. Move on Eddie that was over 20 years ago. I don’t like Sweden’s outfits either, that’s what you get for trying to dress like your flag.

B: An’ last of all the hosts. Glad that bits over. Ready for a beer yet Daz?

D: No, it’s still too early. Why don’t ya make us all another coffee loser? Here we go, now for the speeches and we’re into the home stretch.

K: What’s he on, that fella who’s the President of the Olympics? He’s very animated – NOT.

D: Yeah, looks like ‘dead man talkin’. We’ve already got Jack Farnham mate.

K: Listen to this Daz, those people carrying the Olympic flag. OMG there’s Ali, look at him Daz, I think I need a tissue again. Daz, Daz are you tearing up too?

D: Shut up Kaz, Baz will hear ya. There’s the ‘speed boat with Beckham’ again. I wonder where that’s been since we saw it an hour ago. The flame is on its way folks.

K: Oh no, there’s someone at the door, right at the vital bloody moment. Baz will you get the front door please.

B: Okay. It’s bloody JW’s Kaz. If you bastards don’t hit the frog and toad right now, your world is going to end a lot sooner than ya think.

D: What’s Eddie banging on about a ‘peloton of potential’? Those mongrels are on foot, not bikes. Get him off!

K: I reckon that’s the best torch lighting ceremony I’ve ever seen. All those little petals on that big flower must have been the funny copper cone things those girls were carrying in front of each country’s team as they marched in. I wondered what they were. So there must be a petal for each country. How good is that!

D: Yeah Kaz it’s all pretty good. Now for Sir Paul if you like, I told you he got a guernsey and he’s gonna sing Hey Jude. He made a terrible entrance though and now he’s butchering Hey Jude. Don’t like his Edelsten hair. He’s gonna ruin a bloody good show the fool. Those early albums…if we didn’t have them, you’d think this guy was the biggest fraud that has ever walked the earth.

D: Bloody hell Baz, what did you put in this coffee it tastes like shit? I reckon it’s beer time now that that’s over.

B: Bout bloody time mate. I’ll get ‘em.

K: So what did you think of that, guys? I thought overall it was excellent although I wouldn’t call it spectacular, except for that flower torch.

D: Yeah it was okay until Sir Paul f****d it up there at the end.

B: Seen one seen ‘em all I say – except for the Sex Pistols.

D: Lookin’ forward to some proper sport to start now. I’m going to Dan Murphy’s later Kaz. I’ll pick ya up a Woman’s Day and a No Idea love.


July 31, 2012   13 Comments

Guest Post: The Corkers Olympics

Most people are consumed by the Olympics so a couple of regulars offered to give a few up dates during the next two weeks to give their unique view of this fabulous sporting event.

Even though it is not reality TV it is all consuming – so it is also a place where you can talk about what you are liking or disliking about the event. Have to say after watching the Men’s 100 metre freestyle relay this morning I was wondering if James Magunsson is going to live up to his own hype.

Anyway over to The Corkers:

Corker Olympics – An Introduction

Meet Darren and Karen Corker and their children Shyanne and Jaycen. The Corkers are an average Aussie family who have agreed to share their home and their viewing experiences with us on this blog during the Olympic Games. Darren and Karen will be watching as much of the games as possible over the next two weeks and will be recapping their observations on the Opening Ceremony and a lot of the sporting action, so keep an eye out for their guest posts.

The Corkers have a wealth of experience in sport in general and a keen eye for detail when it comes to the action and the media commentators. Darren played Rugby League for 20 years from age 5, only giving it up due to continuing weight problems and injury. Karen was an A Grade netballer until she was suspended for punching a player from the opposing team, due to a misunderstanding over what constitutes ‘contact’ in a non-contact sport. For various reasons, Darren and Karen can no longer play, so they just like to watch.

Jaycen, the youngest, has never played sport and spends most of his time these days in his room, playing World of Warcraft. Shyanne is almost 16 and played netball for one season when she was 10. When she’s not out and about with her friends, she likes to keep in touch with them on Facebook and her mobile phone. Shyanne is also an avid fan of our very own X Factor winner Altiyan Childs and has all his albums and an autographed photo of him driving his forklift. Although Karen won’t admit it, she really likes Altiyan too and listens to his music when Shyanne isn’t home.

Darren, or Daz to Karen, likes to have a drink when he’s watching his favourite sports on his pride and joy – a 152 inch 3D Plasma TV. He has his own fridge on the back verandah, full of his favourite brew, Redneck ™.

Karen, or Kaz to Darren, is a doyen of fashion and prides herself on her appearance. Karen also makes a lot of her own clothes to help with the family budget and she will be giving us an in depth analysis of the team uniforms of the various nations in the Opening Ceremony recap.

The Corkers have a next door neighbour Barry or Baz as he likes to be called. Baz, who doesn’t mind a beer either, calls in occasionally to watch sport with Darren. Barry also doesn’t mind drinking Darren’s Rednecks whenever he gets the chance. Darren calls Baz ‘Barry the Bludger’ behind his back and has recently put a hasp and staple and padlock on the beer fridge because he’s pretty sure Baz has been helping himself while he and Karen are out. Darren says Baz always seems to know when he buys another slab, even if he leaves it in the boot till it gets dark.

In terms of the Olympic Games, the Corkers have a few favourite events they like to watch and controversies they like to watch out for. One of their favourite pastimes during the games is sussing out which female contestants should be competing in the men’s events – the steroid sisters Karen calls them.

Darren enhances his viewing experience on the big screen by using an imaginary electronic visual aid called Crotch Cam©, which allows him to zoom in on the athletes’ private parts among other things, much like the real cameramen do. This up close and personal view enables him to describe the twitch of every sinew; the sparkle of every bead of sweat; the glare of floodlights off waxed and oiled thighs; the dank hair; the mental anguish; in fact he even imagines he can zoom in on the odour of the athlete’s joggers.

What the Corkers will be watching:

  • The Opening Ceremony – Karen especially loves all the pomp and hoopla and the Brits are very good at this, so she’s looking forward to it. She’s also excited about seeing what the teams are wearing for the London Games.
  • Weightlifting – they love the bulging muscles and other organs, the farting, the pain and the tears.
  • Synchronised swimming – Darren is a real fan and because it’s a women only sport, his pet name for it is ‘synchronised box stretching’. Crotch Cam comes in very handy for this event.
  • Gymnastics – Crotch Cam is useful here too, to pick out the real action on the circuit.
  • Hammer throw – they love seeing it go off course and nearly brain someone.
  • Cycling – their neighbour Baz is the real fan of this sport. He always says he’d like to be peddling behind some of those sheilas. Secretly he’d like to be a volunteer and wipe their bikes down when they finish a race. He’s got a thing about bicycle seats too.
  • Diving – it’s all about the drama for the Corkers. Watching those scores go up and down as each diver triumphs then bombs out.
  • Fencing – they’d rather see the contestants go at it with real swords though and without all those guards. The first time they ever saw this on the program they were surprised fencing had been made into an Olympic sport, because Darren had done a lot of it on the farm when he was growing up.
  • Wrestling – just for the sheer embarrassment of it.
  • Judo –  grabbing blokes by the lapels and swinging them around reminds Darren of big nights out with the boys when he played rugby.
  • Rowing and kayaking – the Corkers are worried another Aussie athlete will chuck the towel in and stop rowing in London. They love it when a kayaker goes arse up, too.
  • Archery –  for some reason they have formed the impression that this competition will take place in Sherwood Forest, near Nottingham.
  • Shooting –  there have  been a few drive- bys in their neighbourhood  recently, so seeing people being responsible with guns is a novel experience for the Corkers.


July 30, 2012   18 Comments