Masterchef – George vs Gary
Okay, so I haven’t been watching this recently, but I have been reading the recaps and I’m assuming you’re all playing an elaborate prank on me, because there’s no way Sun, Dani and Ellie are still there, right?
What is this? Ellie is still there? Dani too? They are letting these clowns into the UN? Hayden really does have a moustache? This next hour is going to be more difficult than I expected.
Michael opens a black envelope, which he won in last night’s challenge, and schemes over matching people with the dishes they will be least likely to be able to cook. If he wins tonight, does he get the evil moustache of Hayden? That is really creeping me out. As is Billy’s enthusiastic “Holy moly guacamole” – has he been reading George’s cue cards?
The challenge tonight is a cocktail party at the UN. Alana could kick-start her journalism career right now, with an exposé on the working conditions of catering staff in UN HQ, starting with using an unpaid labour force that is in bondage to a television network, kept from contact with friends and family and threatened with “lockdown” if they don’t perform.
Entering the General Assembly is like walking down a tunnel into a footy field, according to Hayden. Michael is feeling inspired and little, and Kate isn’t all that fussed since she’s from Orange and has been into the council chambers there. Heh.
Gary tells us that the Australian mission is holding a VIP event. It must be a special farewell to the Australian Mission’s Credibility. Each contestant will be making something. After three seasons, Gary still hasn’t learned the difference between finger food and a shelter. Or perhaps they really are erecting canopies. What would I know?
Preston steps up to reiterate the importance of the event. Another voice pipes up, but we can’t really see George over the top of the podium. It doesn’t matter, it’s all just babble. We are only nine minutes in and already I’m getting sick of the synonyms for BIG.
Gary reveals that Michael will be allocating the dishes. Alana thinks Michael will play it “strategic” today and is sent straight to remedial grammar class.
- Alana – Thai beef salad
- Billy – Vichysoisse
- Michael – taco
- Ellie – smoked duck
- Kate – seared tuna with wasabi pea
- Hayden – yuzu curd and meringue (what? He’s doing it to make Hayden LOOK GOOD? The man who has chosen to wear a pimp ‘stache?)
- Chocolate lollypop – Dani
Kate is daunted by the tuna. “It’s bigger than my children!” So, does that mean Kate can’t cook anything bigger than a small child? That’s a dietary requirement I was unfamiliar with. Kate is regretting not spending more time watching World’s Most Shocking Autopsies as she struggles with trying to fillet her tuna in one go.
Ellie is breaking down the ducks. I predict the ducks will be breaking her down by the end of this. George is ready to pick up the sobby, wobbling pieces when that happens.
Billy is talking in imperial measurements. Wow. He’s chopping the veg into small pieces so they cook quicker, but is losing that advantage by taking a long time with the chopping. George tells him to crack on, basically.
Alana has metric measurements for her dish and is trimming eight kilos of steak, along with prepping the other alaments.
Dani doesn’t understand why anybody would vote for chocolate on a stick, because she doesn’t understand that we are not all Dani. Man, her muppet diction scares me.
Hayden says something about portions, but I am still transfixed by his upper lip which now seems to have lost most of the ‘stache so I have no idea what point he is making.
Michael’s confidence in his taco making seems to have been misplaced. George tells him that God gave him fingers, which sends Michael into an existential quandary.
“The last time I smoked something was…” careful, Ellie, you’re on a tourist visa. She is talking about the time she smoked the octopus back in the day, which was no less of a crime, let’s be honest.
Billy says he needs to peel “about” 32 potatoes. The number 32 is repeated over and over and over and over and is only interrupted by Hayden talking about how repetitive canapes are. Perhaps all the repetition over all these weeks has been in preparation for this moment – sort of a meta commentary on what we’ve all been subjected to over the course of this show. I should have guessed when I heard that the grand master of repetition, Marco Pierre White of “where’s my crab, crab, crab, crab, Linda where’s my crab” fame was in last week.
George “helps” Dani by telling her that the squiggles are out of her league, so she should just do lumps on sticks. She cracks the shits and stomps out. Seriously, she was totally uncommitted to even the idea of chocolate on a stick from the get-go and seems to have found her way out of having to do it. Waaah, she doesn’t wanna be in lockdown. WHY IS SHE STILL HERE? WHY AM I?
Vom. George goes the hug. And then does his best “look at moi, look at moi” and then helps her. For real? Dani now hates Michael because she has a judge doing her work for her. This. Is. Ridiculous. Then George wipes her face!!111!1!!!!!
I’m going to go and hyperventilate for a bit. You lot can just chat amongst yourselves.
Kate’s never cooked TUNA before? Last night she’d never cooked lobster before. Tomorrow we’ll discover that Kate and her family had subsisted on cornflakes right up until the time she entered the Masterchef kitchen.
Final preparation shenanigans, and then they are at the UN where they remind us that seven amata chefs have never catered a function before. I would suggest that they never will again, when I see the amount of blood going into the food. Ellie tells us that she “accidentally” cut herself and the reason I’ve put that word in quotes is because that’s the emphasis she put on it. I’m wondering whether it was a strategic get-George’s-attention-stat move. Hayden is adding sugar willy nilly to his eggs, relying on Gary’s palate to decide when he should stop. Dude – check the RECIPE.
Meanwhile, in some of the world’s more troubled places, people who have more than a cut finger are wondering where their UN medic is. George leaps in to cut Ellie’s duck. Not a euphemism. Probably.
Billy is preparing “shot glasses of mush” so Gary steps in with a suggestion. These guys are the top seven? If the challenge is so difficult that most contestants can’t complete it without major assistance, then it’s a poorly designed challenge. Having said that, Hayden, Alana, Michael and Kate seem to have got by without major intervention from the Gs.
How did that waiter not slap Dani with her “they’re supposed to be heaps of fun, so make sure you smile!” comment. They were supposed to be PIPED but you’re incompetent and George pretty much made your dish, Dani.
Flirting from Ellie, frustration from Hayden. Giggle, giggle, giggle, SERVICE, giggle, giggle, VOMIT. That last bit was me.
- Ellie’s duck – George thinks she’s done a good job. Gary thinks it’s an “easy pleaser”.
- Alana’s beef – Gary thinks it’s difficult to pick up. George agrees but says it’s tasty.
- Michael’s taco – looks beautiful, according to George. Gary likes the “chipolte” (sic) but says it has no wow, despite the fact that he actually said “wow!” when he ate it.
- Kate’s tuna – easy, according to Gary. George likes it.
- Billy’s vichysoisse – needs seasoning and punch.
- Hayden’s yuzu – The G’s do annoying “BAM!” gestures. Spew.
- Dani’s chocolate – George doesn’t think she’s tempered it properly, but – guess what! – he likes poorly made desserts by sooky la las!
“Missed an episode of Masterchef?” Lucky you! Oh, wait, no – they’re suggesting you might want to catch up online.
Ellie gets into the top two. Vom.
Hayden is also in the top two.
Ellie’s duck wins. Or George’s duck. Or the flirt-your-arse-off duck. Or the this-challenge-was-really-lame duck. Whatever. She (or George?) will cook off against a Noo Yawk chef tomorrow. If she (or George?) wins, she will get ammunidy.
Dani is the the bottom two. Just as well.
Billy is also in the bottom two.
And going into lockdown with Sun is… BILLY! What? Really? Dani didn’t even make the dish she was meant to! Gary seems to think she needs to “shake off whatever’s holding her back”. Um, she’s got nothing holding her back – you’ve been pushing her forward and she still can’t cut it. Give. It. Up.
So, in summary: George made the best dish of the day and also made the second worst. Gary helped Billy, but not enough. Blerg.