Guest Post By BDD – Dinner Date – Black Caviar
Thanks again to Brain Dead Dave for taking the time to guest post this entertaining show. Now what I want to have any of these people shagged on the night away? What do you think?
Over to you BDD:
Quelle heur est il? Il est neuf heurs et trente. Ici Manu avec”Dinner Date’
Manu introduces himself and blows some sunshine about being able to tell a lot about about a person by the way they cook.Celebrity chef, MKR,judge,award winning dancer and now psychiatrist. Is there anything he can’t do? Watch yer back,Kochie.
Meet Phoebe ( Manu thinks that’s “Fibby ” or even worse “VB”).She’s a 28 yr old fitness instructor who loves cooking. She’s been single for ten years. Admires a guy who’s good at something.
Phoebe is a gorgeous blue eyed blonde. If George Calombaris were here, it’d be “Wow,I’m salivating !” All that’s missing is a snake and an apple. Phoebe looks and moves like Black Caviar.She’s way hotter than Robyn from The Renovators.
Five hopefully diamond cutting guys are going to try and feed and romance Black Caviar. A stockbroker and video game geek miss the cut as Phoebe plonks for the Asian menu, the “wanky ” quail main menu and the French menu. She’s intrigued whether the guys are going to walk the talk spieled in their menus.
First date: Ray.is a 31 yr old chef. Reckons he hasn’t been on a date for seven years. He shows us his skill good at deboning quail and there’s a link to the Dinner Date website so the whole family can learn.
Phoebe is chauffered to the date in style. She’s gone for purple shoes with big heels,blue dress and earrings. The shagadelic fox says she’s nervous as the car arrives at Ray’s. There’s crescendo of dramatic library music as we go to the first ad break.
Ray’s cooking away,looking worried in his beanie and black shirt.He’s got a plant for Phoebe as a gift. When they meet, Phoebe notices quickly that she’s a lot taller than him and Ray tries to sugar coat the issue to himself by saying he had a 6′ 4 girlfriend once.
Ray’s understating it when he considers Phoebe” absolutely smoking”. Phoebe likes his smile and the way his eyes light up.
Entree is a winner.Scallops in a citrus butter and garnished with seaweed.Takes two minutes and Phoebe smiles a she eats them .She sas she loves them. Ray’s on fire so far. Thinking he’s on a roll, he asks Phoebe to come and meet someone special….his “other missus”,he lamely proclaims.
It’s a massive juice guzzling, orange V8. Ray’s a petrolhead. His sisters there.They go for a burn with Phoebe hoping he’s not obsessed with a car/cars but the last thing we hear in that scene is Ray rabbiting on about “having a relationship’ with the car. Car or Back Caviar? It’s a no brainer.Phoebe’s glad that the car ride is over.
Phoebe loves quail and Ray’s managed to cook the “best quail’ she’s ever eaten. The euphoria from that is soon gone as Phoebe makes some enquiries about Ray’s ex. That kills the conversation and Phoebe observes that Ray is deflecting anything about love to other things ie the minutiae of baking cheesecake. Ray wonders (hopes) if she’s flirting with him.
The pannacotta and cheescake dessert went down a treat with Phoebe,too.
Phoebe declares she’s had a good night and that Ray hit a soft spot and touched her heart. Ray scores Phoebe a sensational first ever DD score of 11/10 for personality and 15/10 for looks.
Martyn,35 aerobics nut. Just before the ad break ,we hear Martyn blowing smoke about how he’s really gone out on a limb with this date and that “if he can pull it off,she won’t be able to resist me”. We’ll soon see how a Freudian psychologist would be in heaven with the gold this prawn produces.
Manu returns to praise Ray’s culinary skill but “ze car..not your best moof,buddy”.
We see Martyn peparing for the date,pumping some iron while Phoebe is excited because this was her favourite menu. Martyn thinks he’s going to wow Balck Caviar with a picnic atmosphere and he’s thrown down some blankets and cushions in to the loungeroom to that effect. What it looks like is a very desperately constructed seduction bower,complete with candles.
Words fail to convey the lameness of the appalling scene.
It’s an extremely juvenile effort for a 35 yr old. He makes a big deal out of the freshly shucked oysters with lime ,shallots and coriander. We hear that Phoebe doesn’t really like oysters and is worried about dashing Martyn’s confidence(don’t worry ,he hasn’t got any).
They meet and the Martyn is knocked out by the “blonde bombshell” Seating arrangements are a hassle for Phoebe because she’s been having cortisone injections in her knee.(years of kneeing guys in the balls will do that to you).
Phoebe and Martyn are both fitness freaks,like vegemite on toast and the colour yellow. Phoebe likes rhat at least they have that in common.
But Martyn’s going down slow. He foolishly asks Black Caviar how old she is. He guesses wrongly that she’s 30 He’s a goner. But wait,there’s more.
Marty feebly says “I feel I know you well enough to dim the lights”.
Luckily, he survives entree because surprisingly ,Phoebe like the oysters. However,the bearnaisse sauce for the salmon en croute main is causing a major problem because in true Ma$terchef tradition,Martyn’s never made it before. He’s surely seen a lot of Ma$terchef because “the eggs are faulty”,he cries. I’m watching The Bald And The Beautiful,here.
We return from an ad break with Martyn spluttering like Porky Pig about the chaos in the kitchen and Phoebe looking anxiously at her watch. It’s been an unacceptable two hour wait for the main but Phoebe’s gracious and declares she likes it. She wouldn’t have eaten at all unless she took over and helped and she was concerned about that affecting his manhood.
Moving like a sloth Martyn has taken twety minutes to scoop out the berry sorbet dessert. Phoebe’s not amused that it’s been a five and half hour date…more like an imprisonment. She’s also annoyed that Martyn went the full frontal mouth kiss,which was not her intention at all. She kindly describes Martyn’s getting “flustered ” as endearing. He scores Phoebe a 9/10,a little mean of him,imo.
Manu briefly returns to let us know that letting Phoebe stretch out on the floor for 5 1/2 hours is not ze French way. Tres bien,Manu.
Third date: Peter.(didnt get his age)
No flies on Peter .He’s dated models before. He’s just moved out of home into a bachelor pad but tonight’s date will be held back at Mum’s place.
Phoebe’s intrigued by the home made coconut sauce in Peter’s menu and is optimistic about the night. She’s in a tight blue dress and heels. She looks great.
She doesn’t know that Peter has cheated and used a can to make the coconut sauce(for “creaminess’,he says). After an ad break ,we seem them meeting at the door. There is an uncomfortable opening as Peter asks Phoebe to take off her hot shoes with the pathetically explanatory “Mum’s floorboards”.
Phoebe reckons that physically,Peter is her kind of guy and we hear some Justin Bieber music to indicate that love is in the air. Then there’s a cougar growl employed to suggest that Phoebe’s interest has been piqued by Peter being an underwear model.
Peter’s entree of a spicy seafood soup makes Phoebe cough and splutter and and Peter whips the plate away quicker than a rat up a drainpipe.
Main is going to be a Green Chicken Curry and to his credit ,Peter owns up about the can of coconut. Phoebe’s noticed the dryness of the rice and the unappetising appearance of the chicken legs..It does look bad.
Utensils are an issue here as Phoebe is trying to eat the chicken with a spoon and fork as provided. Peter hasn’t a clue and Phoebe asks if his Mum set the table. He’s embarrassed and takes the chicken away before Phoebe has finished. He’s off to plan the next disaster -the sorbet.
Peter calls for his Mum and she duly descends fro the top of the stairs. Phoebe tells us that she’s not into Mummy’s boys and that it’s intimidating to meet the m on a first date. That’s fair enough,too.. Phoebe concludes that it’s “kinda young ,but cute.” Mum takes over the sorbet problem and they have a group hug. Phoebe says that in spite of the disasters ,her and Peter had similar ideals.She liked Peter’s beautiful blue eyes.
Here’s Manu again probing with “Oo will Feeby shoes?”, suggesting that it all comes down to chemistry.
We see Phoebe packing for a night away and flashing us some sexy lingerie alledgedly “for tonight”. She chooses Ray,the chef and they fly off for a trip to the Blue Mountains.
For Phoebe ,it was shit sandwich-. the car nut, the guy with the el cheapo seduction bower that went for the tonguey or the Mamas’ boy. I think she chose the best on offer. She wears a great little black dress to dinner.
Phoebe says she had a wonderful sleep and Ray was complaining that he didn’t even get a hug.(go have relationship with your car,pal)
The final word from Manu is that they never saw each other again
“Cest la vie”